1 Happy St

I no longer deserve to live.

Someone just told me to "take the rest of the year off" and I actually chuckled... instead of beating him about the head with my keyboard.

But I swear, if one person says to me, "See you next year" on my way out of the building, I'm going to come at them like a spider monkey!

People that leave the divider in the giant tin of Christmas popcorn...

And people that we should be able to use for risky medical experiments.

Back in the day, Santa's elves used to have to make toy trucks or blocks or jacks or board games. But now they have to make cell phones and cameras and other technical gadgets. I wonder how Santa got them trained on stuff like that. Somehow I doubt Hermey's iPhone-manufacturing capabilities.

Below you will find some ideas I've had that are guaranteed money in the bank. However, I don't have the means nor motivation to bring them to fruition. They're all too good not to happen so I'm passing the ideas on to you, our readers, so that maybe one of you may run with it. Godspeed.

• Jerky-lined Ski Coats - I don't know if I'd have the insulation actually made of jerky but you have to admit that if you got stranded at the top of a mountain, it would sure be nice to have something to eat.
  
  
• Joey Greco and Roman Polanski in a wrestling match
  
  
• The jPhone - If you had your choice between an iPhone and a jPhone, wouldn't you take the higher letter? I would.
  
  
• Ceiling Fan Cozies
  
  
• Glow in the Dark Cats
  
  
• Snowmobile Racing with the Mentally Challenged - I just think that would be fun to watch.
  
  
• Home Bungee-Jumping Kits
  
  
• Seedless Pumpkins
  
  
• Seedless Sunflowers
  
  
• The Motorcycle-less Sidecar - Now you can have all the fun and excitement of riding in a sidecar without having to hang out with the douche with the motorcycle.
  
  
• Grown-up Sized Sit-n-Spin
  
  
• Celebrity Beer Pong

Wow. Words escape me.

Courtesy of Joe-Po:

Here's what you do: You make two snowballs. You throw the first one high in the air. The person who you are throwing the snowball at will, involuntarily, follow that snowball. They can't help it. Like moth to fire. Elvis to jelly doughnuts. LaRussa to pitching change. They will follow that first snowball and give you one free and clear shot. You only get one shot at this. Don't miss.

NOTE: Be careful not to watch the first snowball yourself. I’ve seen the CMST backfire on people before.

Since Festivus falls on Sunday this year, I figured I would air my grievances today.

The Airing of Grievances
To Brian...
I don't like how you post so much so I look like a slacker to our readers! WTF?

To our readers... (that means you, Jane, Molly, Maygan, Erin, Tricia, Ridgeway and Jeremy, etc.)...
If you like what you read here, go tell some other people about this site!!!!

To everyone on TV...
Stop shouting!

To the guy in the cubicle next to mine...
Stop singing!

To the guy at the mall dressed like Eminem...
You're not fooling anyone!

To the guy at the mall dressed like Santa...
Neither are you!

To White Sox General Manager, Kenny Williams...
Don't you think we're going to need a centerfielder?

To White Sox Centerfielder, Brian Anderson...
No!

To the guy that leaves 6 inches of snow on top of his car and then gets on the highway so we can all drive behind him in his wake of wind-blown snow...
You should be sterilized.

To the next person that says to me, "Cold enough for you?"...
Duck.

To the people that take their kids to JC Penney to get their pictures taken on a Saturday three weeks before Christmas and then complain that the wait is too long...
Maybe you could go outside and clean the snow off the roof of your car while you wait.

To people that claim to still watch The Simpsons...
No you don't. Nobody does.

To people that save gift bows...
Really? That thing cost about twenty cents.

That's all for this year...

Now, it's time for the Feats of Strength... Who wants to arm wrestle?

Since it's the holidays and I can't leave for the weekend on that Debbie Downer of a note, I would like to wish you all a very Merry "neither this statement, nor any other statement by Brian, should be construed as an attempt to offer or render a legal opinion. His well-wishes are provided on an "as is" basis, and Brian expressly disclaims any and all warranties, express or implied, including without limitation warranties for a particular purpose. In no event shall Brian be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, punitive, or consequential damages of any kind whatsoever with respect to these well-wishes, and if you're not Christian, he apologizes" Christmas.

And Happy Birthday Eve to Donald, Lisa, and Maegan.

Special thanks to co-workers Dan M., Eric M., Clint C., and Kevin F. (not Federline) for their inspiration.

10. Oh man that sucks. Was your house without power this morning?

9. Do you plan on being buried in that thing? Because I have a shovel in my car if you wanted to start now.

8. Hey I like your shirt. Did it come with matching bed sheets?

7. You know you really shouldn’t steal from the Salvation Army like that.

6a. 1985 called. He wants his shirt back.

6b. 1985 called. He said you can keep that thing.

[quick aside: George popularized this joke format when he said "the jerkstore called, they're running out of you" and George Clooney raised the bar when he said to Brad Pitt, "Ted Nugent called, he wants his shirt back." I think it's safe to say that this joke format is comedy gold and should continue being used in any circumstance possible. Okay, back to this completely pointless Top 10 list]

5. Nice shirt. I can appreciate a sense of humor.

4. That thing isn’t even worth the amount of gasoline it would take to burn it.

3. Wow I really like that shirt. Except for the pattern. And the color. And the brand. And the person wearing it.

2. My goodness that shirt really sucks. <---- sometimes blunt obviousness works best.

1. Hey I got that same shirt. Of course mine was a gag gift.

1 Happy St., the website that brought you such popular games as Birdfeeder or Bong and Kazoo or Hash Pipe, introduce the new game that will soon be sweeping the nation. It's time to play Children's Book or Adult Erotica.

The rules are simple. Just guess if the actual book title listed is a children's book or adult erotica. Sounds easy, right? Good luck.

1. Hot Crossed Buns (answer)
   
2. Teaching Little Fingers to Play (answer)
3. What Do You Do With a Tail Like This? (answer)
4. Daddy's Little Girl (answer)
5. Un, Deux, Trois (answer)
6. Sweet Dreams and Happy Endings (answer)
7. Fun Is A Feeling (answer)
8. Shake, Shake, Shake (answer)
9. Bedtime Stories for Big Boys & Girls (answer)
   
10. My Favorite Tree (answer)
11. Animals At The Farm (answer)
12. I'm Going To Eat You (answer)
13. Big Girls Don't Cry (answer)
14. Where Does The Wind Blow? (answer)
15. Bedtime, Playtime (answer)
    
16. Armadillo Ray (answer)
17. I Smell Honey (answer)
18. Naughty Nautical Neighbors (answer)
19. Ten In The Bed (answer)
20. Karen's Toys (answer)

It's been my observation that black people don't like being stereotyped.

This is a brilliant Family Guy clip.

I don't care much for her sister, but that Jamie Lynn Spears is quite the positive role model.

I'm hoping I never get a surprise visit by a jockey. He might be offended by my landscaping. Same goes for a gargoyle.

I've got no use for tinsel.

Or koalas.

I haven't seen one bell ringer this Christmas. My pocket is overflowing with pennies.

.....er I mean with $10s and $20s.

And finally, do any of our readers remember these videos? Anyone who ever watched The Bozo Show on WGN growing up will surely remember this...



or this...


or this...

I was going to touch on this subject myself, but Joe Posnanski did it already and it turns out that his sentiments are pretty much mine. So take it away Joe:

OK, have you seen these reality-based commercials that Burger King is doing where they take the Whopper out of their restaurants and film people’s stunned reactions? I’m not going to lie to you, these really bother me. I admit, this is at least in part because I consider Burger King a 20-miler — meaning I’d only go there if there isn’t another fast-food restaurant within 20 miles. But more, this bothers me as a TV commercial enthusiast because it’s so freaking pointless. Yeah, we get it. People who go into Burger King will probably expect to have the opportunity to buy Whoppers. This has nothing to do with quality. Whoppers may be (and are) horrendous — but they’re ALL YOU’VE GOT.

I once went into a breakfast place in Jacksonville, and I ordered eggs and orange juice and the waitress said, “Oh, sorry, we’re out of orange juice.” Yeah. Out of orange juice. I want you to think about this for a moment.

1. This was a BREAKFAST PLACE — one of those places that closes down at 11:30. It only served breakfast.

2. This breakfast place was in Florida. You know. FLORIDA? Sunshine State?

3. They were out of orange juice.

Was I upset? Sure. They could have filmed me saying to the waitress, “You’re joking, right? You’re at a breakfast place in Florida — I was expecting to have Anita Bryant herself come out here to personally serve me orange juice and lecture me about whatever whacked out thing she’s into now, evils of homosexuality, saving children, whatever. No orange juice? This is a gag, right?”

Of course, I didn’t say any of that or anything else. I never do. I just THOUGHT that. But had I said that, I don’t see how that would have been an endorsement for their orange juice. I think Pizza Hut pizza is ghastly bad. But if I was in the emergency situation of having to order something from Pizza Hut, and I stopped in, and they said, “no, we don’t have pizza today,” well, yeah, I would be mad too. Doesn’t make the pizza or the Whopper any less crappy.

Well said Joe.

And since I have nothing else to add on the subject, can somebody please tell me if I'm living the high life? I went into this bar the other day and.......

Okay never mind.

We wanted to give our readers a chance to learn a little about the various presidential candidates. We'll present you with a snippet of a speech by each candidate.

The first candidate we will look at is the Democratic front-runner, Sen. Barack Obama (D, IL). The following is an excerpt of a speech Senator Obama gave in Manchester, NH on November 20, 2007.

I've visited many schools and spoken to many teachers and students throughout my two decades of ##### service, but one I'll always remember is my visit to Dodge Elementary School in Chicago just a few years ago.

I was talking with a young ##### there, and I asked her what she saw as the biggest ##### facing her students. She gave me an answer that I had never heard before. She spoke about what she called "##### Kids Syndrome" - the tendency to explain away the shortcomings and failures of our ##### system by saying that "these kids can't #####" or "these kids don't want to #####" or "these kids are just too ##### behind." And after awhile, "##### kids" become somebody else's #####.

And this ##### looked at me and said, "When I hear that ##### it drives me nuts. They're not ˜##### kids.' They're our #####. All of them."

She's absolutely right. The ##### child in Manchester or Nashua whose parents can't find or afford a quality pre-school that we know would make him more likely to #### in school, and ##### better, and ##### later in life - he is our child.

The little ##### in rural South Carolina or the South Side of Chicago whose school is ##### falling down around her, and can't afford ##### textbooks, and can't attract new teachers because it can't afford to pay them a ##### salary - she is our child.

The teenager in ##### Boston who needs more ##### and better ####ing to compete for the #### jobs as the teenager in Bangalore or Beijing - he is our child.

These ##### are our children. Their future is our future. And it's time we understood that their ##### is our responsibility. All of us.

This is a defining moment for our #####. Revolutions in communications and technology have created a ##### economy of high-tech, high-wage jobs that can be ##### anywhere there's an internet connection - an economy where the most valuable skill you can sell is your #####.

##### is now the currency of the Information Age. It's no longer just a pathway to ##### and ##### - it's a pre-requisite. There simply aren't as many jobs today that can support a family where only a high school degree is required. And if you don't have that degree, there are even fewer jobs available that can keep you out of poverty.

In this kind of economy, countries who out-#### us today will out-#### us tomorrow. Already, China is graduating eight times as many ##### as we are. By twelfth grade, our children score lower on ##### and ##### tests than most other kids in the world. And we now have one of the highest high school ##### rates of any industrialized nation in the world.

Well I do not accept this future for America. I do not accept an America where we do nothing about six million students who are ####ing below their grade level - an America where sixty percent of African-American fourth graders aren't even ####ing at the basic level.

I do not accept an America where we do nothing about the fact that half of all teenagers are unable to understand basic ##### - where nearly nine in ten African-American and Latino eighth graders are not proficient in #####. I do not accept an America where elementary school kids are only getting an average of twenty-five minutes of ##### each day when we know that over 80% of the fastest-growing jobs require a knowledge base in ##### and #####.

This kind of America is ###### unacceptable for our children. It's economically untenable for our future. And it's not who we are as a country.

According to this website, I can take 25 of them.

One thing that Jill has learned about me since we got married is that I have a wealth of knowledge about things that are completely unnecessary to have any knowledge about whatsoever. Most of the time when I get to show it off, she'll just shake her head and think to herself, "oh my goodness, I'm stuck with you the rest of my life". I think deep down, she just hates it when I'm right, because whenever I am, I celebrate it by jumping up and down, smiling from ear to ear, and reminding her for the next hour or so until she punches me in the face.

One day about a year ago, I was flipping through the preview guide on the television and I saw that the movie "Back to School" was on. Jill was sitting next to me, saw that my eyes lit up, and immediately said "no, we're not watching that." I replied with "wait, let me just guess which part of the movie is showing right now." I was going to base my guess on where in the movie the preview guide said they were. I then said a line from the movie that I figured (hoped) would be coming up soon and turned the channel. Honest to God, within 2 seconds, the line I had just uttered was being spoken in the movie. Jill turned to me and said "oh my goodnness, I'm stuck with you the rest of my life". Needless to say, I was quite proud of myself. And also needless to say, if things like this could go on a resume', I'd have a much better resume'.

Fast-forward to last night: Jill and I were in the car driving around and finishing up some of our Christmas shopping. I told her that I was going to turn on the satellite radio to the 90's station (by the way, if you don't have satellite radio, you should get it just for the 90's station. Granted, they play a lot of late-90's crap like Third Eye Blind and Everclear, but there's also an abundance of Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, and other stuff that reminds me of Greg). Before I turned it on, I asked Jill to guess which band would be playing. Of course she wanted no part of that game. She probably realized the odds were 1 in 5000 or so to guess correctly, not to mention the game itself is really stupid. But I didn't care; I was playing. So I threw out Alice in Chains. Even now, I'm not sure why I said that because when they were popular, I never particularly cared for them. They had some songs I liked, but were never one of my favorites. But as soon as I turned on the radio, we heard this: "Heeeeeere, they come to snuff the rooster. Oh yeah. You know he ain't gonna die." Of course my face lit up like I had just won the lotto. Jill looked at me and didn't know what to say. But I think today she's filing for divorce.

Yeahhhhhhh, here come the rooster!

Yet another example of a study where I could have told them what the results would be before they wasted millions of dollars conducting it.

Apparently, young adolescent girls who hang out predominantly with young adolescent boys tend to drink more alcohol than young adolescent girls who hang out predominantly with other young adolescent girls.

Nice work Professor. And here, have this beer. No you won't get in trouble. Everyone's doing it.

In our poll from October 8th, we asked what would happen first for newlyweds Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon. It looks like the majority was correct.

NOTE: This is Pam's 2nd divorce since 1HappySt was born.

I'd add my own commentary, but my fingers hurt.

I love snow days! I'm at home with the boys today because Ann Arbor got about 14 inches of snow. We're watching a show on Nick right now called Yo Gabba Gabba. If you haven't seen it, let me just tell you that it is the greatest childrens' show EVER!!!!! I think this show is created by the same people that brought us Charlie The Unicorn. Oh, and it gave me a chance to use our ever popular "ridiculous afro" label again!

Have a look...

According to this article, insomnia runs in the family. So I can blame my mom and dad for the fact that I'm posting this at 4:10 am.

- Earlier today, this woman got off the elevator on a floor before me, and rather than saying "have a good day", she said "have a blessed day". I thought that was kind of cool. And I will.

- Were you as shocked as I was to find out that Cohutta’s grandfather is Wade Garrett? I thought Wade was killed by Wesley’s henchmen.

- In order to understand that previous Random, you’ll have to be someone who regularly watches The Real World and be familiar with the movie Road House. I realize I’m probably in the minority on that one.

- I found myself watching the movie "Lean on Me" on cable recently. That Joe Clark wasn't a good Principal at all. He was actually kind of a loon. Free Mr. Clark? I disagree. Keep that loon locked up.

- I get "Lean on Me" and "Stand by Me" confused. I always have to picture the music teacher singing in front of the whole school before I remember what the name of the movie is that I'm about to talk about.

- Some of today’s baseball players are getting awfully big. They must be hitting the gym really hard.

- When the song "Love Shack" first came out, do you think anybody thought we’d still be hearing it almost 20 years later?

- I should really stop watching my weight, because every time I do, I see it go up.

- Don’t you love it when some snow makes its way inside your pant leg and inside your boot and then drips down into your sock? Yeah me too.

- If I were to ever write a movie script, I would do everything in my power to avoid one of my characters having to give out their phone number. I hate that 555. I bet you do too.

- Whenever I order pancakes at a restaurant, I’m always excited when they arrive. But then when I’m about halfway done with them, I always kind of wish someone would take them away.

- And why is french toast from a restaurant so much worse than homemade french toast? If they made it like I make it, I’d probably order it.

- I was involved in a conversation earlier today where I was able to say “that’s what SHE said” 4 times in a row. I think that’s my new record and I’m pretty excited about it. But I promise not to get a big head over it. Ha, that’s what SHE said.

- That is all for this week. Until next time, remember that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. And the people you know really suck.

Quick note: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation will be airing on TCM (DirecTV channel 256) on 12/18 at 11:30pm CT. If you miss it that night, it will be airing again back-to-back on TBS (DirecTV channel 247) on 12/22 at 7:00pm and 8:45pm CT. Set your DVR's if you won't be home.

And if that's not enough to get you in the Christmas spirit, try this:

I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away (Baby, it’s cold outside)
The evening has been (I’ve been hopin’ that you’d drop in)
So very nice (I’ll hold your hand, they’re just like ice)

My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)
And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)
So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)
I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

I oughtta say no, no, no sir (You mind if I move in closer)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (And what’s the sense in hurting my pride)
I really can’t stay (Oh baby, don’t hold out)
Oh, but it’s cold outside

Some good news for every 15-85 year old male Jessica Simpson fan. Pay particular attention to her logic on how you gain respect in Hollywood. When did this trend start?

I "blame" Halle Berry.

Remember when you were a kid and someone would come at you with a water balloon or something and you'd bust out the "my mom said I can't get wet" defense? It probably only worked 50% of the time or so, but even with those odds, it was still worth the effort. You had a 50/50 shot of walking away from that situation completely dry. Wouldn't it be great if that same concept translated to adulthood?

Like if your wife said to you, "come to the mall with me, I need to pick up a few things", wouldn't it be great if you could respond with "oh you know what, my mom said I can't go to the mall"? Instead, if you were to say something like that, she'd call you a momma's boy and a few minutes later you'd be in the car. Well that's crap. Next time I'm a situation where somebody is asking me to do something I don't want to do, I'm busting it out.

"Mr. Brian, our records show that you're two weeks behind on your mortgage payment."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, my mom said I can't pay my mortgage."

I like it.

- Seeing two guys holding hands during the couple’s skate made me laugh every time. It was pretty simple and obvious I know, but still comedy gold as far as I was concerned.

- Boo to the guy who worked there who would always make them leave the floor, but bravo to the DJ for following that up with two Technotronic songs in a row. Pump up the jam, pump it up, while your feet are stompin'.

- By the way, if you're a DJ and you got your start at a roller rink, do you even put that on your resume'? I didn’t think so.

- If you're going to shovel snow with your stomach, you'd better be sure there are no cracks in your driveway. That's all I'm saying.

- Why does a plain hot dog cost the same as a hot dog with everything? And yet, if I order a plain hot dog and ask them to put cheese on it, they'll charge me an extra 40 cents.

- SNL has to be the greatest Tivo show ever. I can skip all the commercials, the musical guest, the opening monologue if the host sucks, and pretty much every lame sketch between Weekend Update and the last one. Basically, I can watch 90 minutes of television in about 12 or 13. You gotta love that.

- I don't have any cute buttons. At least I don't think. But I do have this zipper that's pretty hot.

- I don't mind spray butter, but I hate the look I get from Jill after I spray something 20 or 30 times.

- Last Christmas I left a bottle of wine in my mailbox for my mailman, but he didn't take it. It stayed there for two days in a row before I ended up taking it back. Maybe he's a recovering alcoholic. I wonder if he was pissed.

- Every time I see the Wendy's commercial for the new Baconator sandwich, I kind of throw up in my mouth a little bit.

- It's not officially the Christmas season until cousin Eddie kidnaps Clark's boss for the first time. Hopefully TBS will be getting us there soon.

- Speaking of Christmas, how much does it suck that it falls on a Tuesday this year? One day off? Son of a bitch. How much would it affect our GDP if we all took 2 full weeks off like schools do?

- What is the proper response to a person from the south who is complaining that the temperature earlier in the week dipped into the 40's?

- I wonder why the cable companies decided that the TV should be on channel 3. Why not 2? Or 6? Or 1? Wait, is there a channel 1? I don't think there is. What the hell?

- Okay, I think I'm done here. Until next time, [generic inspirational quote that I could not think of right now].

Ok I promise I'm sitting at my computer as I type this.

i just had to say that I don't understand why there aren't any female celebrity impersonators. Certainly there has to be a woman out there who can do a good impression of Wanda Sykes or Fran Drescher, right? So why have I never seen one?

Okay, back to sitting at my computer.

Ok I promise I'm stopped at a stoplight while I type this.

i just had to say that I hate seeing upside-down 8's on gas station signs. If I see a gas station with upside-down 8's across from a station with correct 8's, I'm going to the station with the correct 8's.

Okay, back to driving.

The relationship between Lance Armstrong and Michelle Tan...., er Ashley Olsen, has reportedly hit the skids.

Whatever happened to predictability? I think we have our answer.

It's a good thing that Amerigo Vespucci's name wasn't something like "Darren".

Is there anything one can usurp other than authority?

I am habitually blaming my inclinations on my predispositions.

Every year at this time, Arby's sells glasses. They don't have a logo or advertisement on them. They're just glasses. I don't have a joke here. I just don't get it.

Often we have product names derive generic terms from the original brand. For example, geezers will often call a refigerator a "Frigidaire" regardless of the name brand.

I can understand this, but I have always wondered why you never see it the other way around. Why aren't there more brand names derived from generic terms. If I owned company that made beer, I'd call it "Cold One".

Taking this even further, products could be named after what they are. "When you're at The Store, why don't you pick up Some Eggs." You'd never have to advertise! Anyone have any other ideas?

It's hard enough coming up with good Christmas gift ideas for all the people that you have to buy for. But you know what's worse? Thinking you came up with a good idea, but then nobody has it in stock. What the [bleep] is that about?

Isn't it bad biz to have a product that's in demand, but none available to sell? Why the [bleep] don't they make enough for everybody? What the [bleep]?!? Why must we go through this every year? [Bleep].

[Bleep].

So I'm at the store last night buying for Greg actually. I have a pretty cool gift idea I think. I'm searching all over the store for this thing but I can tell that there's none there. Jill suggests that I ask somebody. Yeah that'll work. I'll ask this poor kid who's making $6 an hour the same question that he's had to answer for the past 2 hours. Here's how the conversation went (as far as I can remember):

Me: "Uh, do you have any __________ in stock?"

Him: "Honestly Man, what the [bleep] do you think?"

Me: "Do you know when you'll have any?"

Him: "Yeah. I'm making $6 an hour, so management consults with me about inventory all the time. I tell you what. Why don't you write down your name and phone number on a piece of paper for me. Then when we do get some in, I'll be sure to look at that piece of paper and have a good laugh at the fact that you thought I'd ever call you."

Me: "[Bleep]"

I think we need a better system.

Either someone had a fun time with paintbrush, or this particular KFC sign guy is way too clever to be a KFC sign guy.

You may judge for yourself whether or not you think this is funny.

I smiled a little bit.

Still looking for a gift for that hard-to-buy-for loved one? I bet he doesn't have one of THESE. Is there anything you can't buy on Amazon?