1 Happy St

Surely this web page is no match for the intellect of the 1 Happy St. readers.

- Hey did you hear what Don Imus said? I bet he gets in trouble for that.

- I went to elementary school with a kid whose last name was Semen. Even back then, we made constant fun of him and we probably didn’t even know what semen was. I can only imagine what H.S. was like for that poor guy.

- Now that Imus has been fired, I can’t wait for the next yokel to say something similar so we can repeat the process. Lather, rinse, repeat.

- I took the stairs to my desk yesterday (I work on the 6th floor) instead of the elevator, and my legs are sore today. Not a good sign.

- If you’re looking for perhaps the greatest website of all time, click here. I should rephrase. It starts out as the greatest website of all time, but after about 5 to 90 minutes, you may want to kill someone. Or yourself. Or someone and then yourself. Careful, it has sound. And enjoy.

- For the record, we switched coffee’s. You would have too. They cost $1.50 each and the store is 6 floors away.

- Hey did you hear what Don Imus said? I bet he gets in trouble for that.

- I read that Gina Glocksen’s return trip home to Illinois will be short-lived as she plans on becoming a permanent West Coaster. Oh no poor Joe, he has no girlfriend. In fairness, I really do feel bad for him. He tried his best.

- Should it be legal to punch the guy at work who decides he’s going to eat an apple at his desk?

- There are two types of people in this world. Those who hear about a sex video involving a principal and a teacher on school grounds and their first reaction is outrage, and those who hear about a sex video involving a principal and a teacher on school grounds and their first reaction is where they can get their hands on the video.

- Hey did you hear what Don Imus said? I really don’t see a problem with it. I think he’ll be fine.

Now that the three Lacrosse players from Duke have been cleared of any wrong-doing and it's pretty clear that the North Carolina prosecutor Mike Nifong brought up the charges against them without having any evidence to support the charges, attention is sure to turn now towards whether or not the players file a lawsuit against him. So far, attorneys for the three players have not said whether or not they're planning civil action, but they have also not yet ruled it out. They’re probably reviewing whether or not a case like that is even winnable since district attorney’s have certain immunities that protect them from being sued every time a defendant is found not guilty. And that makes sense. We can’t have that. But from everything I've heard on the subject, the protection of immunity for prosecutors is pretty broad unless it's ruled that they had malicious intent or that it was something close to that. I guess it's very difficult to prove intent, so it's a difficult case to win.

Question though. The justice system has been around for hundreds of years now, and I’m sure there’s been countless modifications to different rules and laws due to situations that have come up in which caveats and special circumstances surrounding those laws were overlooked. So how in the hell has something so important (or so it would seem important) as immunity for a district attorney manage to be one of those circumstances? Is this particular situation really that unprecedented? You’d think over the course of hundreds of years, there would have been more than one overzealous D.A. trying to make a name for himself by bringing up ridiculous charges.

Okay I’m done now. But please come back later to see if I’m discussing something else way over my head.

Following up on Brian's coffee cup dilemma yesterday, I just had an encounter that I'm also looking for advice on.

It seems that whenever I walk through a door and someone is behind me, they are just the wrong distance back so that if I hold the door for them, I have to stand there waiting for them to catch up and then they do that uncomfortable jog up to the door because then they feel bad that you held the door for them and they would have just preferred you hadn't because now they're running and they really weren't in that big of a hurry to begin with. But then if I decide to ignore them and not hold the door, I run the risk of them thinking, "What the hell, man? Just slam the door in my face, why don't you?!"

So the question is, what is the distance where you absolutely have to hold the door for the person behind you without look like a total tool or a total jerk?

And what did they do in Star Trek with those doors that swoosh open and closed? Did you ever just stand there in the doorway with the door swooshed open while you waited for your Vulcan friend to catch up when really all he's thinking is, "The logical thing to do would be to just walk through the room portal and just let me worry about swooshing the door myself. What, just because I've got pointy ears, I can't swoosh my own damn door? Condescending human prick!"

For the second consecutive year, the number of clergy sex abuse claims received by the nation's Roman Catholic bishops and religious orders has dropped, according to a new report on the church's child protection reforms. In fact, the headline of the article comes right out and says it: "Catholic abuse claims drop for 2nd year".

It drops. It hasn't stopped completely. But it's dropped.

Seriously, is this worthy of a celebration? Should I be encouraged by this? I'm confused.

This morning I got coffee for a co-worker of mine (Alex) and myself. Alex takes his with cream and sugar, I take mine with just cream. I made it a point to partially open the lid of mine just a little bit so that I could differentiate between the two as I made my way back to our desks. After all, he hates coffee without sugar and I hate coffee with it.

So I handed Alex his coffee, he took a sip, and said "no sugar huh?"

"It doesn't have it?" I asked. "That's not good. Let me try mine."

Uh oh. Mine has sugar. How the hell did that happen? I must have partially opened the lid on his by mistake.

"What do we do?" I asked. "Do we switch back?"

"I don't know," said Alex.

Tell me, what would YOU do? Can coffee be switched back? Can I get a ruling on this?

Some people enjoy Opening Day because it means summer is right around the corner. Others enjoy it because they just miss baseball. Me? I enjoy it because it means Joe Morgan will be back with his weekly chats on ESPN.com again. Today he was as good as ever. It felt like he was never gone. I know I've written ad nauseum that his chats are the "best" because he rarely answers the questions and there's only 2 or 3 teams that he actually watches. But today he took it to another level. Enjoy:
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Dave (Chicago): True or false: Cuban + Cubs = end of championship drought

Joe Morgan: I don't know if baseball wants someone like Mark Cuban, someone who's sort of a rebel. I don't know if the owners would accept someone like him. But the players love him.

Brian: But would he end the Championship drought? Eh, I guess that's a question for a different day.
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Bradford, Memphis: Hey Joe. Since A-rod is lighting up the homerun board, how do you think he will fare later on in the season with his early season stats?

Brian: Surely you can answer this question Joe. It's simple. You can say something like 'I think he will do fine later in the year; he's an excellent player'.

Joe Morgan: Pitching is the key. You can only outscore the average teams. But the Yankees need him in order to have a good year.

Brian: Or you can go that route and ignore poor Bradford altogether.
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Josh (Sheboygan, WI): Hey Joe, how many people will be at the 3 Cleveland games in Milwaukee?

Joe Morgan: To be honest with you, I haven't thought much about it.

Brian: That figures.
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John, New York, NY: Good morning, Joe. Who are you surprised about the most after the first week? It can be an individual player or an entire team. And do you think we saw the real Carl Pavano last night in Minnesota?

Brian: Please be careful here Joe, this is a two-part question and I know you normally have trouble with those.

Joe Morgan: Probably Milwaukee. I thought they would get off to a good start. If you're going to pick a dark horse, it's them.

Brian: You weren't careful.
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Rick H. (Selah, Wa.): Do you think King Felix has a shot at the AL Cy Young this season? Or, will it be another year or two?

Brian: Joe, I was hoping you'd completely ignore Rick's question and go off in an entirely different direction, almost like you didn't even read it before you start typing. Can you do that for me?

Joe Morgan: Dwight Gooden is the best young pitcher I've ever seen. He was better than all of them at a young age.

Brian: I was only kidding.
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Steve Chicago: With Lidge being removed as closer, do you think the Astros trade him, keep him in a setup role, or does he earn his spot as closer with the Astros?

Brian: C'mon Joe, this is like a 2-foot putt. Steve in Chicago has pretty much done your job for you by giving you just about every possible option the Astros have with Lidge. All you have to do is pick one. Can you do that? Please. Just answer 1 question for us. I beg of you.

Joe Morgan: It's difficult because he's tried to get back on track ever since Pujols hit that home run in the playoffs.

Brian: Is it wrong of me to be mad that he gets paid for this?

On April 5, Chicagoan Jenny Huynh forced her sister-in-law Kein Tran to open a safe in her home and stole at least $2,000 from her. Afterwards, Huynh allegedly stabbed Tran to death, and then went gambling.

Money quote within the article:
"I know she has a gambling problem, but this really surprises me," said Michelle Duong, manager of Nails Now in Mundelein, who fired [Huynh] last week for doing a poor job as a nail technician.

Future quote that I hope to see:
"I was broke and I needed to go to the boat," said Huynh. "I'm not going to apologize for that. Although I do admit the killing part was totally my bad."

1. Go to google.com
2. Click on "Maps"
3. Click on "Get directions"
4. From: New York, New York - To: Paris, France.
5. Read line #23

I absolutely love.... LOVE!!! that while trying to apologize for calling the Rutger's women's basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed hos", radio personality Don Imus actually used the phrase "you people" in his interview with Al Sharpton. Stories like that scratch me where I itch. That has to be one of the worst apologies for racism ever, but at least he didn't bring a bucket of KFC as a peace offering.

Last night, HBO decided that they finally wanted to put some quality Sunday night programming on the air again. They must have figured that they had given their customers the old screwgie long enough and it was time to put something on that was actually good. In case you missed it, last night was the season premieres of both "The Sopranos" and "Entourage" back to back. Well it wasn’t so much a season premiere with "Entourage" since they’re calling this the 2nd half of Season 3, but it was a new episode after a long layoff nonetheless.

My reviews: SPOILER ALERT

"The Sopranos" started off with a seemingly meaningless weapons arrest of Tony at his home in New Jersey. The local D.A. quickly dropped the charge, and my first thought was that it seemed pretty pointless to arrest him in the first place for something so trivial and small. But then we learned that the charge was dropped locally so that the federal government could pursue it further. Interesting. I was reminded of how Al Capone was finally incarcerated 80 years ago; not for something major like murder, but for tax evasion. Could it be that Tony’s eventual demise this season is for something trivial as well? I guess we’ll see. The episode also focused on a quick weekend vacation for Tony and Carmela at Bobby and Janice’s lake house, Bobby inexplicably beating the crap out of Tony in an escalated Monopoly fight (who hasn’t been there before?), and Bobby killing someone for the first time, leaving behind a boatload of evidence in the process. My final grade – B+. Not great, but not bad. Then again, the first episode is always the slowest, so this bodes well for the rest of the season/series.

Immediately following "The Sopranos" was a new episode of "Entourage". The Producers are calling this episode 13 of season 3 even though episode 12 aired all the way back in August of 2006 (again, the HBO screwgie). If you remember, episode 12 ended with Vince firing Ari, and we’ve been left hanging ever since. On Sunday night, we jumped forward a little bit. Details as to how Vince found a new agent (who turned out to be that girl from "Son-In-Law" by the way) were skipped over and instead focused on Vince’s relationship with his new agent, as well as his new relationship with Ari as a friend and not a business partner. I give the girl from Son-In-Law at most five episodes before she’s brushed aside and never heard from again. It’s unfortunate really, since she still looks as good as she did back then. The episode also focused on Vince’s birthday party (kind of), but that was more of a back-drop to allow Ari and his new agent to come face-to-face in a non-frontation (I’m making up words now), all but assuring the audience that there’s no way Ari is gone for good. It’s tough to grade an episode like this since nothing really happened. But since nothing happened, I’ll give it a generic C and wait impatiently for next week.

I'm not sure which will happen first: Joe will stop sending these things or Gina will break up with him. My guess is they'll happen simultaneously.

Hello again fellow Glockstars!

I need you to save the date this coming Wednesday (April 11th). American Idol is going to be following Gina home to tape more on our favorite Idol. The city of Naperville is putting together a big HOMECOMING event for Gina to honor her accomplishments. I don't have the exact details yet other than that it will be this Wednesday. We'd like you ALL to come out and help celebrate. It will probably take place either in Downtown Naperville or at Neuqua Valley High School. I will have more details by Monday and I'll let you all know. Please do your best to be there.

Gina will be on a couple of popular daytime shows this Monday. Tune into the Ellen Show, Regis & Kelly, and the Daytime Show to catch our Gina do interviews and SING! There are also plans in the works to have a Welcome home party for all friends and family in the near future, so stay tuned. I'll keep you posted with all the exciting things going on with Gina.
Thanks! Love, Joe

That Guy that says ‘who do I look like, John Rockefeller?’ when you ask to borrow a quarter or something. The ‘what do I look like, a bank?’ guy should probably go too, so perhaps we should just retire the whole analogy and simply hand over the quarter.

That Girl who says she gets along better with guys. Yeah, you know why? Because other women hate you. And you know why they hate you? Because you’re a flirt who hits on their boyfriend.

That Guy who pees on the seat. C’Mon man, lift it or aim straight.

That Guy who takes a smoke break during the movie, then comes back to his seat wreaking like an ashtray. You couldn’t wait 2 hours?

The one-upper. You never had a car that went that fast, and you never dated that celebrity. Get over yourself.

People who say 'exclamation mark'. Although if they said 'question point', I would totally let that slide because that would just be funny.

That Girl who shows her thong. Either pull your pants all the way down, or pull them all the way up. Don’t give me none of this halfway crap.

That Guy who talks about the gym. I get it, you’re working on your pecs. I don’t care. Push on.

That Guy who doesn’t turn down his radio when he pulls into the driveway. I’m all for jamming during the drive, but once you’ve reached your destination, turn it down. Your music sucks anyway.

Bar owners who charge cover when there’s no band playing. You’re already charging $8 a beer, now you’re gonna charge me $20 just to get in?

Joe Morgan

That Guy or Girl who puts the top down on their convertible, but the windows are up. Are you kidding me? That’s a joke, right? Please tell me somebody paid you to do that.

People who leave their food in the refrigerator at work for weeks. Heaven forbid I can find a place for my lunch that I brought in TODAY, instead I have to stack it on top of somebody’s month-old meatloaf.

That Guy who blogs his random thoughts and complaints. Nobody cares Man, nobody cares.

If you're supposed to be working right now instead of surfing the web, do not, under any circumstances, no matter how tempted you may be, regardless of how strong you believe your willpower to be... I repeat, do not click here.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

I was hoping we'd get one final email from Joe, and he did not disappoint. So without further adieux (what does that even mean, further adieux? Nevermind, back to the point), here is Joe's curtain call. If you missed his 1st and 2nd installments, click here for #1 and here for #2. And as always, enjoy.

Glockstars, G-Force, Rock the Glock-ers, Friends and Family,

How's everyone doing? I guess I knew I would have to write this e-mail eventually, but I really thought it would be a little later than today. I won't lie, it still stings a bit that our Gina got robbed last night, but we have to do our best to stay positive. We all know that she should not have gone home this early. We all know there are people still on the show less deserving than her. But we also know without a doubt that this is not the end of the road, rather just the beginning. Can you say Chris Daughtry? Every season has a couple of shockers, and this one has had more than usual, but it is reassuring to hear the public outcry for our Gina. You don't have to look or listen very hard to know that almost everybody that watches this show knows she should have stayed. Even people who were admittedly non-Gina fans have come out to show their disbelief. So although it will sting for a couple days, it will pass.

Just remember all that she has accomplished. A tour, an album, songs to download, the COVER OF PEOPLE! She made her mark and it will not be forgotten. We all know that this is just the start for our Glockstar! Keep your chins up, because you know our Gina has her chin up. How classy was her exit song? Have you ever seen anyone draw such true emotion from the fans, the contestants, and even from Ryan!?!?

I would like to thank each and everyone of you from the bottom of my heart for all of your love and support. For the endless redialing and texting. For putting up with all of my annoying e-mails. In these past two months, Gina Glocksen has become a household name. She has gained WORLD-WIDE recognition and adoration. She has seen her dream become a reality, and that would not have been possible without YOU. From the very beginning I have been amazed by all of the support and energy you have shown for our Gina.

I need to ask you for one last favor. . . Do not let this fire burn out. It will take some time for things to start happening for our Gina. The tour will be great but there is much more to come after that. Don't forget about our Gina. Let the world know how much you love her. Go to Americanidol.com and post your love for her. Show your support and let the world know that WE WANT MORE! Go to her fan sites like ROCKTHEGLOCK.COM. Her myspace page should be back up and running soon as well. Keep spreading the love for our Gina. We won't get to see her beautiful face on TV for a couple weeks, but we can't allow her momentum to slow.

With all that being said, Let me be the first to welcome our American Idol home for a much deserved break. Get your rest sweetie, because you have a long and exciting road ahead of you starting in June.

Thank you everyone. We love you so much for all of your support.
The G-Force will always be with you,
Love, -Joe (Gina's #1 fan)

On Tuesday it was reported here by Derek Zumsteg, author of a book titled "The Cheater's Guide to Baseball", that Los Angeles Angels pitcher Francisco Rodriguez is doctoring the ball before he throws it. He goes into pretty good detail (with pictures) of what he perceives to be blatant cheating, since MLB rules make it pretty clear that it's illegal for a pitcher to put a substance of any kind on the ball.

Normally, I couldn't care less about something like this. I'm the kind of person who likes cheating in baseball. I'm rooting for Barry Bonds to break Hank Aaron's HR record just so it gives the people who care (again, not me) something to cry about and me something to laugh about. But seeing as though there is now an entire book on the subject, there's no denying that it remains a hot topic for people. And I don't ignore hot topics. So my 2 cents:

I think MLB should simply remove all the 'no cheating' rules and allow these guys to do whatever they want. If they want to bulk up to 300 lbs of muscle using illegal performance enhancing drugs, so be it. If they want to dip the baseball in a jar of vaseline before they throw it, I say go right ahead. At least then every team would finally be on a level playing field. I think our biggest problem to date hasn't been with the players who continue to break the rules, but rather our inability to think outside the box for a viable solution. The powers that be will never be able to prevent cheating altogether, so they should embrace it!

[this message does not necessarily reflect the opinion of 1happyst, but only that of Brian, who with this post has officially killed any chances of ever being offered the job of Commissioner of MLB]

- If you really think about it, the letter "X" doesn’t really need to ecksist. I say we find a new place for helicopters to land, give Malcolm a different last name, call it a ‘zylophone’, and get rid of it altogether.

- Come to think of it, what’s with this ‘ph’ sounding like an ‘f’? I understand the rule, but has anyone ever asked why? It makes no phreakin' sense.

- What was the best invention before sliced bread came along?

- Keith Richards is reporting today that the story about him snorting his dad was just a joke. I don’t get it though. It must be more ironic funny than Ha Ha funny.

- Why do we go to all the trouble of washing our vegetables before eating them, but we don’t find it necessary to clean the top of our Coke can before popping it open?

- I think salt should be blue so that I can see how much I’ve added (courtesy of Jill).

- Is it possible to eat at Arby’s and not feel like a big loser?

- Wouldn’t it be funny if a rich White Socks fan bought the Cubs and then traded all their good players to the South Side?

- A clever Cubs fan could then ask the question, isn’t "rich White Socks fan" an ocksymoron?

- A clever White Socks fan could then ask the question, isn’t "good Cubs players" an ocksymoron?

- I’m glad baseball is back.

Goofy haircut - $8

Ridiculous white suit - $29

Not realizing that Simon was being sarcastic when he complimented your singing - Priceless

It will be interesting to see how the mere mention of SANJAYA affects our total page hits today.

I haven't been following American Idol all that closely but I do know that the Sanjaya craze is sweeping the nation. From what I've seen of Sanjaya, Sanjaya seems to be pretty average. I don't see Sanjaya winning no matter how much hype the media gives to Sanjaya but I do find it fascinating that people actually are trying to argue that Sanjaya is a good singer and they're not just pulling for Sanjaya because America loves an underdog. I could be wrong. Maybe Sanjaya could actually win. I mean, didn't Josh Blue win the last season of Last Comic Standing? If only Sanjaya were disabled too, he'd be a shoo-in!

Every once in a while, I'll read about something that will completely blow me away in its craziness. Whether it's a story about the girl from E. Michigan U. visiting the frat house or the group of people demanding that the magician return the fairy back to its resting place or the couple from Sweden who's suing their government over the right to name their child 'Metallica' <---courtesy of Maegan. But then a story like this comes along and trumps them all:

Keith Richards, the 63-year-old guitarist of the Rolling Stones, said he snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine. "The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME. "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared. It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

I don't have a joke to add, a commentary, or even a quip. I have nothing. There's absolutely nothing to add. Keith Richards is the craziest man on the planet. Well I guess that's a commentary, albeit a slight one. I think I may be done for the day.

Cincinnati Bengals left tackle Levi Jones is still sporting a gash over his left eye from an altercation in a Las Vegas casino two weeks ago. According to Jones, he was jumped from behind by six men before Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter jumped in as well. Porter was cited by police for misdemeanor battery and released. Police said the two players, who are rivals on the field, exchanged trash talk at a casino blackjack table before the fracas.

I bet Jones split 10’s. You just don’t do that.

Have you ever noticed that a lot of people answer the question 'how's it goin'?' by telling you what day of the week it is? Examples:

A: "Hey, how's it goin'?"
B: "Eh, it's Monday."
A: "Yeah, that sucks."

or

A: "Hey, how 'ya doin'?"
B: "It's Friday!"
A: "Yeah, I hear that!"

Not only did the question go completely unanswered both times, but Person A found Person B's responses to be perfectly reasonable. So next time I'm in a situation like this, I'm going to change it up a bit. If somebody asks me how I'm doing, I'm going say 'eh, it's Monday' even if it actually happens to be Tuesday. Then when they look at me like I'm crazy, I'll tell them that I feel exactly like I did the day before.

Believers in fairies are up in arms over what they believe to be a cover-up of a fairy-sighting in Derbyshire, England. Remains of a supposed mummified fairy were exposed as an April Fools joke by illusianist, Dan Baines but fairy believers are not buying it. According to Baines, "One person told me to return the remains to the grave site as soon as possible or face the consequences."

And this has been the "WE'RE ALL DOOMED" for Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007.

The following is an actual email update from our favorite Glockstar's boyfriend Joe. As you will see, he may be getting desperate. Enjoy!

The G FORCE is growing stronger each week and the buzz is spreading. Looking for a place to watch and vote? JOE'S on Weed has a viewing party every week if you are close to the city, or 115 Bourbon St if your [sic] on the south side. Just make sure you watch somewhere and VOTE VOTE VOTE!

I was fortunate enough to spend all of last week with Gina and it was such an amazing experience to be a part of. To actually see her living her dream is indescribable, but I want you all to know that YOU are the reason she is getting this chance. She can't do this without you and she continues to send her love and thanks.

As always, thank you for your continued support and votes. We love you! ROCK THE GLOCK!!!

-Joe

Whenever scientists talk about discovering life on Mars, they always refer to some bacteria or plant life that may have theoretically survived millions of years ago based on a small water source that they discovered deep inside a cave or crevice. But who really cares about that? I want to hear about walking and talking creatures that communicated to one another or built civilizations. Who gives a sh## about a plant?

Donald: "Wow, it must be nice being able to leave at 3:30."

Mike: "I'm going to a wake."

Donald: "Oh."

Cubs
Ace pitcher Carlos Zambrano throws hissy fit in dugout, argues with umpire, Cubs losing 5-1. Manager Lou Piniella brings in reliever Neal Cotts to presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League:
Lou Piniella: "Give me Cotts."
Michael Barrett: "You mean Neal Cotts?"
Lou Piniella: "I know he hasn't done much in 2 years, but I got a hunch he's due."

Sox
Ace pitcher Jose Contreras pitches 1 inning, gives up 7 ER on 8 hits, Sox losing 11-3. Manager Ozzie Guillen brings in rookie reliever Nick Masset to presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League 2:
Doorman: "Hey Mr. Contreras, I thought you were starting today."
Jose Contreras: "Si, I did."
Doorman: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't turn it on until the 2nd inning."

Of course these games are still going on as I type this, but is it too late to take a mulligan on the season so far?

I'm interested in how our readers spent April Fools day.

Here is a list of some good April Fools jokes.

- In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.

Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.

- Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the "Left-Handed Whopper," specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version.

About a year ago, a new restaurant opened up by my work called Chicago Pizza House. Ignoring the fact that it wasn't technically in Chicago, I decided to give it a try. After all, there were plenty of restaurants calling themselves Chicago or New York or Boston without technically residing in those respective cities. So as I was perusing their menu for the first time, (I hadn't realized until now that I have perused before, but I guess I have) I noticed one item inexplicably absent: friggin pizza!

"Excuse me Miss," I said to the waitress. "I don't see pizza on this menu."

"Oh we don't have pizza," she said matter-of-factly, apparently oblivious to the name of the establishment in which she worked.

"Fair enough, I'll take the chicken parmesan."

Now I'm pretty sure that at the time, I wanted to argue with her about how confusing it is to call one's self the 'Chicago Pizza House' under circumstances such as these. But I probably also figured that she was just a waitress there and wouldn't have carte blanche when it came to menu items. So on my way out, I filled out a suggestion card with the following statement: 'you should probably sell friggin pizza'

Fast-forward to today: there is a new sign on the window of the Chicago Pizza House that states in bright bold letters 'WE NOW SELL PIZZA'

Now you know who to thank for that.

Did you happen to catch 'Jerry Seinfeld: The Comedian Award' on HBO last night? I did and it was awful. I can't figure out what HBO was thinking by airing this thing because it simply wasn't ready yet. You would have thought it was a live taping rather than a recording by how badly it flowed. I wish I would have counted how many times there was a botched edit where the crowd laughter didn't match what I was watching.

And who decided on that panel? Either Garry Shandling is heavy into drugs, or he's borderline insane. He kept rambling on and on and his stories had no point, nor a recognizable punchline. He kept looking around into space and moving his head side to side like Stevie Wonder. I kept waiting for him to break into 'My Cherie Amour'. What was wrong with that guy?

The whole thing would have been a much better idea if it was just Jerry or Chris Rock telling jokes for an hour.