1 Happy St

Via here: Hall of Fame receiver Michael Irvin was stopped at a red light Monday night when two men in a truck pulled up next to him. The driver rolled down his window, so Irvin did the same, thinking the two men recognized the radio talk show host and television commentator. The passenger flashed a gun. Then the retired NFL star heard one of them call out his name and mentioned being a "huge Cowboy fan." Irvin says he began talking with the men about the team's disappointing 9-7 season and Dallas not making it to the Super Bowl. The pair eventually drove off.

Now I'm not going to say that this story isn't true, but I will say that it's a complete lie. No I'm kidding. The same thing happened to me once. Except it wasn't a truck that pulled up next to me, it was a car. And they didn't have a gun, they were asking for directions.

The Lions finished 0-16. They're the first NFL team in history to lose 16 games in a season. Awesome. I'm not sure how you feel about that; I'm pretty indifferent. My hatred for the Vikings and Packers overshadows my feelings towards the Lions. I guess if the Bears don't win the NFC North, I'd wish for Detroit to win it. I like those guys up there.

There is one thing for Lions fans to get excited about. Quotes from their former #1 WR Roy Williams:

[Roy] Williams caught only 19 passes for 198 yards and a touchdown over 10 games after being acquired from Detroit for three draft picks, including Dallas' first-rounder (20th overall). He and [Tony] Romo never got in sync, including an interception on a ball thrown his way Sunday.

"I would love to take the blame for that one, but I can't," Williams said. "Once we get a training camp under our system, we'll be good."

I'm not sure what part of that quote I love the most. Oh wait yes I do. The part where he says he'd love to take the blame for an interception, but he can't. That's too great. Stay positive Lions fans. Hopefully your team doesn't waste their two 1st round picks on skill positions. Look on the bright side; your team finished 0-16, but all they really did was miss the playoffs, which is the same thing my team did. Of course that thought is lost on Bears CB Charles Tillman:

"Yeah, I think we're a playoff team," cornerback Charles Tillman said [after his team lost], still giving off smoke from the torching Houston's Andre Johnson gave him. "We made it this far, and we're this close. Who wouldn't think we were a playoff team? … Aren't we a playoff team?"

Apparently Charles Tillman is unaware of that silly note in the NFL rulebook that states "you can only be considered a playoff team if you actually, you know, make the playoffs. This seems obvious and almost pointless to put in an official rulebook, but hey, you never know."

Oh it's in there. You can check. It comes right after the part about overtime ties. Zing!

The playoffs better get here quick.

Whenever I watch a MNF game, I always get a kick out of the player introductions in the beginning where each starter tells me their name and the college they went to. You hear things like:

- Assante Samuel, University of Central Florida
- Victor Abiamiri, Notre Dame
- Donovan McNabb, Syracuse University

Someone who went to Ohio State will always call it "THE Ohio State University". I'm not sure what that's all about. Is there two of them? Is he making sure I know which one he went to? Yeah I don't get it, but whatever. But just once, I'd like for a player to have a little fun with it. Maybe they can make up a school. "Assante Samuel, The University for Southern Baptist Bishops". No, I know. They could use a school that doesn't even have a football team. How about this: "Assante Samuel, The University of Phoenix....on line"

Oh that's gold. It would get at least one laugh.

Before you leave for the weekend, I'd like for you to read something. Now it'll only be funny if you're a Lions fan. Wait, no. It'll only be funny if you're a football fan. If you're a Lions fan, it'll be tragic. Enjoy.

Try to pick a favorite part. Could it be where Millen says "what we're doing is the right thing to do"? Yeah that's good. But for my money, the best part is where Millen says that he believes in coach Rod Marinelli because "he's consistent". Excellent.

Matt Millen is the gift that keeps on giving. Unless you're a Lions fan. Then he's 8 straight years of getting kicked in the nuts.

- Will the Lions EVER be good? They tried selling us on Charles Rogers, they tried selling us on Mike Williams, and now they're trying to sell us on Calvin Johnson. And Calvin Johnson just may be awesome, but it'll never matter. You can't build a football team from the outside in. You can have 1988 Jerry Rice lining up next to 1995 Steve Young (I should have looked it up first to see if those two years were Rice's and Young's best), but it won't matter if your o-line sucks. And you can have the best secondary in the league, but if you can't stop Michael Turner from rushing for 418 yards, what's the point? I guess Lions' fans will just have to accept the fact that their team is good enough to win 4 or 5 in a row, but they'll never win 10. Just an odd team.

- I can't wait until all the experts start telling us later this week that Brett Favre and the Jets should have no problem against a Patriots team that'll be without Tom Brady. Did you see Brett heave that ball into the endzone for a touchdown? You think that's happening against the Patriots defense? Yeah me neither.

- I'm in a fantasy league that has 2 starting QB's. What the [bleep] is that? And yesterday evening, one of the guys in my league was able to pick up Matt Cassel off the free agency list. Yeah there's no waiver process I guess. Anybody can cherry-pick the free agency list at any time, even if a game is going on. So all you'd have to do is wait for a starter to get injured and then immediately pick up his backup, which means the loser who watches football on Sunday from the comfort of his computer will have all the advantages. Yeah this league sucks. Can I be blamed if I eventually become "that guy who doesn't pay attention to his fantasy team who ends up starting 3 or 4 injured players by Week 5"?

- Remember prior to last year when we thought Carson Palmer was good?

- What's with that Southwest Airlines commercial with the 2-faced woman? She's at the ticket counter helping a guy and offering her airline's low rates and the guy is impressed, but then her head spins around and she's got this devilish face and now she's adding all kinds of fees. It's horribly creepy and didn't get any less creepy the 9th or 10th time I saw it.

- Go Bears! It didn't take long, but I'm back on the wagon. Well at least contemplating buying a ticket for it.

This story is great. I love it when people other than me make email mistakes.

h/t AA

- That girl from American Idol looked nervous. I don’t know what she had to be scared of; it’s not like anybody was watching.

- I’m glad she pulled it off flawlessly though. I think I’ve said this before, but there are few things as uncomfortable as when the singer of our National Anthem starts to screw it up. Once she was finished, I think I was just as relieved as she was. Or maybe not.

- I’d give my right arm to stop all this hyperbole.

- I’m sure there’s a better way to construct that joke, but I couldn’t think of it. And this site is free so leave me alone.

- Do the production folks of the Super Bowl realize that there has been music released since the late 80’s? Tom Petty? It looked like he was 100 years old.

- The weird thing about Tom Petty though is that when he was 30, he looked 100. Then when he was 40, he looked 100. And now that he’s 57 he still looks 100. I guess what I’m saying is that in 43 years, he should be fine.

- Last month Greg and I set the record for most posts in 1 month with 55. Congratulations to us.

- That was Donkey Lips, wasn’t it? Upon further review, yes it was.

- I’ve taken my fair share of rain checks, but I don’t think I’ve ever given one. I think I might be interested in something like that.

- You can't tell me that the 0:16 thru 0:26 mark of the halftime show didn't have some sexual innuendo going on. Well you can, but I won't believe you.

- Before the game, people were making Eli Manning and Rex Grossman comparisons. After the game, the only comparison that still rings true is that they both still suck. Except for Eli.

- Watching football with my mom is like watching football with my mom. There is no simile quite like it. Only she can tell you who she was rooting for; I think it was the blue guys.

- Until next time…..

- Wait, we're a sports blog?

- Pointed out by hotfootblog, Eddie Murphy may have been a prophet in 'Coming to America'. Oh sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It was a most ripping victory. Weird.

- Quote from me after that Lawrence Tynes guy kicked the winning field goal after missing his previous two: "Great, now we're gonna have to put up with all those newspaper headlines tomorrow that say 'third Tynes a charm'".

- Tom Coughlin looked like his face was about to fall off.

- The Dodgers have reached a 1-year deal with relief pitcher Proctor. Hightower had no comment.

- Hey that was baseball.

- There's something great about being able to watch a football player's runny nose in HD. Wait did I say great? I mean completely horrible.

- I cannot make sense of that Subway commercial where the guy gets called into his boss's office to explain his travel expenses. I don't have any receipts, but let me turn around and show you my big ass. Yeah I don't get it. Worst. Commercial. Ever.

- Remember last year when I changed my mind and said that I'd rather have my team not make the Super Bowl than lose in the Super Bowl? I've changed my mind again. Having no rooting interest in the Super Bowl whatsoever is kind of like being a date to a wedding where you don't know anybody. Oh well. Go Giants I guess.

The Sportsmanship Award for Week 5 in the NFL, an award that is given out by me only when I find a sarcastic and/or ironic reason for doing so, and which holds no monetary value whatsoever, goes out to Travis Johnson of the Houston Texans.

Johnson managed to give Miami quarterback Trent Green a concussion after Green tried to block him during a play in Sunday's game. Green lay still on the field for several minutes as trainers rushed the field to check on him. Dolphins players gathered near midfield to pray as medical staff took Green off the field on a stretcher. Johnson, however, began to taunt Green and his motionless body, earning a 15-yard taunting penalty.

After the game, Johnson unleashed an expletive-filled rant, calling Green a scarecrow. "My knee ain't never hurt like it hurt today,'' Johnson said. "If you want to hit me, hit me in my head, hit me in my chest, don't hit me in my knee. I'm trying to eat just like everybody else. So, to hit me like that, that showed me what type of man he was.''

Later, Johnson paid a visit to Green's house and kicked his dog in the ribs.

Okay so I made that last part up, but all of the rest is real. Travis Johnson may be my new favorite non-Bear. Simply outstanding.

Cincinnati Bengals left tackle Levi Jones is still sporting a gash over his left eye from an altercation in a Las Vegas casino two weeks ago. According to Jones, he was jumped from behind by six men before Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter jumped in as well. Porter was cited by police for misdemeanor battery and released. Police said the two players, who are rivals on the field, exchanged trash talk at a casino blackjack table before the fracas.

I bet Jones split 10’s. You just don’t do that.

- I don’t know who I was more excited to see, that guy from "Harold and Kumar", that guy from "Syriana", that woman from "Jerry Maguire", or that guy from "Good Will Hunting". This year’s choices for cameos was much better than last year’s with that guy from "Rudy".

- I wish Robbie Gould would drop the "u" from his last name so that Terry Bradshaw would pronounce it correctly.

- "24" started at 7pm, but the busted Patriots took until 7:30 to beat the Chargers. Sometimes Tivo pays for itself.

- Is there anyone outside of Boston that likes the Patriots? I was almost rooting for them to lose as much as I was rooting for the Bears to win. Okay, not exactly, but you get my point.

- If Ladainian Tomlinson would have punched someone at midfield after that game, resulting in a full-blown brawl, that would have been the greatest save on my Tivo of all time. And if it would have involved LT’s fist and Tom Brady’s face, I would have worn out the rewind button on my remote.

- Perhaps I need to get over my hatred for the Patriots.

- Watching "24" on delay is much better than watching it live. I get nervous when I fast-forward through the commercials and almost catch up.

- If you’re arrested for multiple weapons charges on multiple occasions, then your best friend is killed at a nightclub two days later and you’re a huge source of embarrassment to your team and everyone hates you, all you need to do is come up with a key sack at the end of regulation of a playoff game and all is forgiven.

- I don’t think I could ever be cold enough to where my face would get as red as Mike Holmgren’s was yesterday.

- I liked Chloe’s makeover, but her voice still makes me cringe.

- People always make fun of kickers and teams never use a high draft choice on a good one, but I never understood why. They’re always the team’s leading scorer, and there isn’t a worse feeling as a fan than knowing the team you root for has a bad one.

- I guess what I’m saying is "thank goodness for Robbie Gold". Oh, my bad, I mean Robbie Gould.

My brother-in-law Daryl and I have talked about starting a Fantasy Life league where you would assemble a "team" of celebrities and earn points based on their worth as human beings. The celebrity would earn points for things like humanitarian work, likability, or just by marrying someone above them on the celebrity ladder. They'd be deducted points for things like drunk driving arrests, making a movie with Matthew Lillard, or having a homemade sex tape "stolen" from their house.

I bring that up because in a matter of three months, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has seen his Fantasy Life value skyrocket and plummet. Tony Romo is the celebrity equivalent to Pets.com.

Romo began the season as a back-up quarterback that nobody had heard of. Following his rise to the starting position and the Cowboys success behind him, it wasn't long before he was practically the greatest quarterback that ever played the game and was rumored to be dating Jessica Simpson.

However, after flubbing a snap on a short field goal attempt that would have won the game for the Cowboys in their wildcard playoff game on Saturday, Tony Romo is arguably the biggest goat in franchise history. Talk about your 15 minutes of fame.

No other athlete springs to mind that has gone full circle so quickly. Now I just have to convince Daryl to trade me his Kevin Federline. K-Fed has nowhere to go but up.