1 Happy St

I'm interested in how our readers spent April Fools day.

Here is a list of some good April Fools jokes.

- In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.

Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.

- Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the "Left-Handed Whopper," specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version.

About a year ago, a new restaurant opened up by my work called Chicago Pizza House. Ignoring the fact that it wasn't technically in Chicago, I decided to give it a try. After all, there were plenty of restaurants calling themselves Chicago or New York or Boston without technically residing in those respective cities. So as I was perusing their menu for the first time, (I hadn't realized until now that I have perused before, but I guess I have) I noticed one item inexplicably absent: friggin pizza!

"Excuse me Miss," I said to the waitress. "I don't see pizza on this menu."

"Oh we don't have pizza," she said matter-of-factly, apparently oblivious to the name of the establishment in which she worked.

"Fair enough, I'll take the chicken parmesan."

Now I'm pretty sure that at the time, I wanted to argue with her about how confusing it is to call one's self the 'Chicago Pizza House' under circumstances such as these. But I probably also figured that she was just a waitress there and wouldn't have carte blanche when it came to menu items. So on my way out, I filled out a suggestion card with the following statement: 'you should probably sell friggin pizza'

Fast-forward to today: there is a new sign on the window of the Chicago Pizza House that states in bright bold letters 'WE NOW SELL PIZZA'

Now you know who to thank for that.

A distant relative of Jill’s died late last week, so there were some extended family members in town for the funeral over the weekend. Sunday night, my brother-in-law Tommy and I were put in charge of picking up dinner for the whole family, and to our less than enthusiastic endorsement, the dinner of choice was KFC. Admittedly, I have always been a fan of their food, especially the cole slaw. Good stuff. But I absolutely hate having to go there. It’s the dirtiest restaurant there is, the service is always slow, and there’s always at least one or two customers waiting in line with you that are sure to help you lose your appetite.

So Sunday night, Tommy takes me to the local KFC in town and wouldn’t you know it, it shares a space with A&W. It’s disgusting enough being at a KFC. But being at a KFC slash A&W is twice as bad. I saw one guy sitting at a table by himself with a bucket of chicken, a cheeseburger, some mashed potatoes, an order of fries, and what I can only assume was a large rootbeer float. It took everything in my power to not throw up from looking at him. So why does a place like this even exist? Why are we even given the option of choosing between fried chicken and triple cheeseburgers?

I’ve asked myself similar questions when I’ve seen Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins Ice Cream sharing establishments. Sure, it’s convenient when I get a craving for both a cream-filled pastry and some Rocky Road, but how often does that happen? You know what, don’t answer that.

- Every day, our weather forecasters tell us what the temperature is, as well as what it "feels like" outside due to the wind-chill. But does it strike anyone else as kind of odd that a meteorologist (who uses scientific methods and data to calculate weather) would give us a number that is so unscientific when it comes to actual temperature? It strikes me as odd because temperature is a real value while wind-chill is just an abstract idea. Or is it? Do these people really know what it "feels like" outside? Better question – would I feel a difference between a wind-chilled temperature of 10 degrees versus an actual temperature of a windless 10 degrees? Even better question than that – am I the only person in the world who cares, or even thinks about things like this? Personally, I prefer a more time-honored method of checking the weather. I go outside. Yup, it's still cold.

- Speaking of the weather, have you ever noticed that 50 degrees is a lot different depending on what part of the year we're at? When it's 50 degrees in September, people are practically outside wearing snow pants. But when it's 50 degrees in February, people are outside in short-sleaves. Guys with convertibles are putting the top down. You gotta love February.

- Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan broke up three months ago. Now comes word that Bridget is three-months pregnant with Tom’s child. Talk about break-up sex gone wrong.

- Why do some drive-thru restaurants offer you free food if they forget to include a receipt with your order? That seems like an odd thing to grade their employees on. I’d much rather they concentrate on getting my order correct.

- It's gotta suck to be a woman. You put up with football for 5 months, you get a 1-month break while we catch up on what we missed in the NBA, and then before you know it, pitchers and catchers have begun to report. I think you'd all be better off if you simply started liking sports.

- I really can’t blame Kenny Rogers for making up that nonsense about not knowing what was on his hand last night. If I pooped on my hand, I wouldn’t tell people about it either.

- I can’t wait for the Redskins to give Lance Briggs a max deal this off-season, even though he is currently playing in a system that makes it nearly impossible for an outside linebacker to not have inflated tackling stats.

- Then again, this may be my way as a Bears fan to downplay the fact that the Bears will be without one of their Pro Bowlers on defense next year.

- I saw "Jarhead" on HBO over the weekend. An entertaining movie, but I can’t recommend it because there was no warning beforehand of the over-the-top use of Jake Gyllenhaal’s man-butt.

- Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem with Jake’s man-butt. But at least give me a warning beforehand so I can prepare for it.

- I’m willing to jump on board that rhythm is a dancer, but you will never convince me that it’s also my soul’s companion. I mean c’mon.

- I love it when a media guy says that a certain athlete "needs to shut up and play". Isn’t the athlete just answering a question from a different media guy?

- Yes, that was me two random’s ago referencing an awful early-90’s dance song. That was also me using the word "random" as a noun. Or was that a pronoun?

- I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel with a guy named "Obama" as President. It’s just too close. Couldn’t he change his last name to "Miller" or something?

If McDonald’s fries are cooked the same way every time, why can I differentiate between good one’s and bad one’s?

Speaking of McDonald’s, why is their fountain Coke better than everyone else’s? And why is KFC’s the worst?

I can’t think of one show on Television that I can relate to on a personal level.

Why did they stop making that big red plastic “bomb” bat?

Is it really all that impossible to find 30 people in the whole world who can consistently kick a football 50 yards and straight?

I keep hearing about Global Warming as a worldwide problem, but I haven’t heard anyone mention a solution for it yet. And no, you’re not taking away my car, so come up with something else.

Why do people say that a clock is slow when it’s actually just behind?

Wouldn’t it have been easier to put a man on the moon than it would have been to come up with a conspiracy that we put a man on the moon?

We've all been there. We're enjoying our time at a nice bar. There's good tunes, good folks; Everyone is drinking and laughing and carrying on. But then it's time to use the bathroom, and surprise surprise, there's a dude in there handing out paper towels and mints. Who is this dude, and why is he in there? And how did he get the gig? Is he an independent? Does the bar hire him? And how does that interview process go?

"So, do you have any experience handing out paper towels or mints?"
"No, but my father works for Altoids, so........"
"Really, Altoids? Interesting..........you're hired."

C'Mon bar managers, we don't need dudes handing us paper towels and mints. There's nothing in the bathroom that I haven't done by myself countless times before; I don't need help with any of it. Er, you know what I mean.

Where did waiters and waitresses get the idea that we're impressed when they try to memorize our orders? I'm not impressed. Are you? In fact, I'd much rather they didn't even try. Just write it down!!! That way I don't have to spend the next 20 minutes worrying if the doofus got it right. The stress he's causing me by just trying to remember instead of jotting my order down far outweighs how impressed I'd be if he actually manages to bring me exactly what I ordered.

Let's face it... chances are pretty good that he's going to screw it up either way, but at least if he writes it down, it gives me the idea that he's trying to get it right. Really I don't even care if he's standing there writing, "This guy is a dick! Who orders a BLT with out tomatoes?" I just want the security of thinking that he's writing down "BLT minus T". Then I can enjoy my complimentary breadsticks in peace.