1 Happy St

Have you ever thought that the only thing keeping you from not being a murdering, lying, stealing criminal is that you're not an atheist? I'll be honest, if I was an atheist, I'd be in some serious [bleep] right now. I feel pretty certain about that.

It’s too bad for my resume' that companies don’t put a whole lot of stock in such skills as "makes good use of that’s what she said" or "keeps his desktop icons meticulously organized" or "always finds the cleanest bathroom stall" or "the uncanny ability to pick just the right amount of time to heat his food in the microwave". Otherwise I’d be in high demand.

Now that Candace Parker is pregnant with Shelden Williams' child, isn’t it about time that Hollywood makes a movie based on their life starring Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan? They could call it "Love & Basketball" or something.

A congressional panel overseeing the $700 billion bailout program says "it has no idea" what banks are doing with the money lawmakers approved last fall to stave off a looming financial crisis. Hmm, it’s a good thing they’re not a congressional panel in charge of oversight.

People who have never worn contact lenses don’t understand what it means to have a bad contact lense day. So allow me to explain it. Imagine someone stabbed you in the eye with a fork. Okay now imagine you have to keep the fork in your eye all day. Yeah it’s like that.

The Illinois House of Representatives voted 114-1 to impeach Hairdon’t. Good news. I look forward to the day when nothing becomes of it. Hey, aren’t there 118 representatives in Illinois? Yes there are. So who were the 3 who didn’t vote? Maybe they were busy voting on that other huge story out of Illinois.

My favorite part of Valentine’s Day: chewy red hearts. My least favorite part of Valentine’s Day: everything else.

What is the likelihood that the part of your windshield wiper that does the worst job during a snowstorm is the part that’s right in your line of sight? Is it 100%?

On that note, remember that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless the apple is tainted with poison.

I had a dream last night that I was conducting a Google search of Roger Ebert movie reviews. The odd thing though was that my searches were coming back with all of the information I was looking for. I think I may know way too much about Roger Ebert.

Don’t people realize that they can delete the "is" when changing their Facebook status? Brian is you’re an idiot.

Jill likes to set all of her clocks ahead by 4 or 5 minutes. She says it helps her to be on time for things. I’ve tried to convince her of the irony in that, but she’s sticking with it.

Congratulations Gina and Joe on your New Years Eve wedding. I had you both figured wrong. And if you don’t know why I’m bringing this up, click the label below and start from the beginning. Or don’t.

If you are part of a household that goes through milk pretty quickly, it should be your civic duty to buy the gallon with the closest expiration date to the current date while saving the newer gallons for us folks who take longer.

Requiring us to mix 2-cycle oil instead of using straight gasoline to operate a friggin’ snow blower is a scam that even Charlie Ponzi would be proud of.

I like going to the gym at the beginning of January to watch all the newbies trying equipment for the first time. Mr. Regan, you wanna get out of that painters scaffolding?

If I was ever a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, I just know there’d be a puzzle with a well-known phrase that everyone in the world has heard of except me, causing me to buy another vowel as the audience groaned. That kind of public embarrassment isn’t worth the potential for a few thousand dollars. Uh, I’d like to solve the puzzle: that’s the way the bookie stumbles.

And on that note, remember that opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and if they didn’t, it’d be tough to talk shit. Yeah you can use it.

It's really hard to convey to someone verbally that the vacuum you're using doesn't work well.

When taking a certification test, I'd rather bomb miserably than miss by a point or two. Poor Frank.

That vacuum one only works if I don't explain it. It probably doesn't work either way actually.

Companies that didn’t lose billions in the 3rd quarter but still plan to lay off employees in this type of economical environment are unpatriotic. Sometimes it would help if executives looked at the big picture. If keeping people on won’t cause them to go bankrupt in 2009, they should bite the bullet a little bit. Laying people off adds to the problem.

"The difference is drinkability" has to be the dumbest campaign slogan for a beer company in history. It’s not really saying anything, is it? Lots of things are drinkable; it doesn’t make them good. They would have been better off just flashing the words "Bud Light" on my screen for 30 seconds or so.

Do you think there are any politicians in Chicago who regret going through the troublesome route of actually campaigning to be voted in? All it really takes is enough cash to buy in. Screw the commercials and buttons and lawn signs. That’s too risky. Give that campaign money to the top dog and you’re a lock.

On that note, remember that if we had no winter, the spring wouldn’t be so pleasant. Wait no, that’s not true. They’d both be pleasant. Stupid winter.

George Bush’s approval rating is 23%. You might look at that number and think "jeez, nobody likes him". I look at that number and think "jeez, who the [bleep] are these 23%?"

We’ll be back with more unfair George Bush attacks right after this [que music].

I recently changed my personal email password from something I had been using since 2003. How long do you think it'll be before I can enter it correctly on the first try? So far I’m like 0 for 25.

Google maps doesn’t know where my house is. If you type in my address, Google maps takes the liberty of changing it to a house on the other side of town. You have no idea how much trouble this has caused me.

I can’t think of anything that is more boring than watching other people play video games.

Speaking of, I can’t think of anyone who is ruder than the guy who won’t let others play Guitar Hero on the display at Best Buy. Okay maybe I can. But EF that guy anyway.

It took me until the 3rd or 4th time of going to Funny or Die that I realized it wasn’t called Funny Ordie. I kept wondering who or what ordie was.

That’s probably one of those things I should keep to myself. Screw it. You already know that I’m a moron.

On that note, remember that it’s not how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably the parent of a loser.

I read a headline that says the White Sox won’t be picking up Ken Griffey Jr’s $16 million option for 2009. In other news, my boss denied my request to stay home from work for the next few months while still getting paid.

New drinking game: take a shot every time Mike Singletary says "team" during a post-game press conference.

Hey did you know that there’s a World Series going on? I knew there was one going on last week, but apparently there still is. Yeah I was shocked too. I guess you learn something new every day.

I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. I already have bets for the reception on who will be the jealous single girl who wishes she was getting married instead as well as the over-served guy who dances too much, so really the only thing left to bet on is whether this will be the last song played, or this will be. I'm hoping for the latter.

Now that he’s becoming an elite NBA player, do you think any kids will start buying Rudy Gay’s jersey?

On that note, remember that if at first you don’t succeed, ask your manager to assign it to someone else.

If something is fun, is it off the chain or off the hook? I can never remember.

We’ve known the man for nearly two decades. So why do some people continue to spell his name "Farve"?

I saw a baby with a piece of hard candy in its hand. I tried to take it from him, but that little guy was having no part of it.

Why are brokerage firms continuing to allow newspaper photographers into their office to take their picture while they look down with their hands on their forehead? That seems counter-productive to me.

Have you ever noticed that the sentimentality over jewelry is almost always linear to its value?

Why hasn’t the light ever gone out on my desk phone that indicates I have a voice mail? And if it ever does, how would I know?

Did you notice all the different rules on balls hit in play that Tropicana Field has? If it hits here, it’s a double. If it hits here, it’s a HR. If it hits here, it’s a foul ball. If it hits here, we kill a hobo. If it hits here, Longoria gets traded to the Yankees. Jeez, if there’s one team that needs a new stadium, it’s the Rays.

Speaking of the World Series, if ever there was a time where I’d condone murdering a singer as he/she was singing our National Anthem, last night would have been that time.

There has to be a better way for me to construct that last sentence. How about this: The Backstreet Boys should be killed.

I'm keeping it short today (that's what SHE said). So on that note, remember that you should always treat strangers with kindness, because you never know if that was only a 1st impression.

- Have you ever heard anyone use the word "preposterous" in real life? I haven’t. I’ve only heard it in movies when rich white businessmen are getting fired.

- I was walking on cloud 8 earlier this morning. As I approached cloud 9, I stopped and turned around. You know, because fuck cloud 9.

- I busted out my fall jacket for the first time and there was a $10 bill in the pocket. Normally I’d be happy, but I couldn’t help but think that with the dollar value being where it is today versus last spring, this was kind of like cashing in stock options after a market crash.

- Things are easier said than done, unless you’re an antidisestablishmentarianist.

- Someone in the neighborhood was cooking with charcoal last night. Two thoughts crossed my mind. One was "Mmm, I love that smell". The other was "who the hell still uses charcoal?" God bless them though.

- Jill and I were watching the news last week and she heard that the Bulls had lost their first preseason game. Her reaction: "wait, basketball already? Fu*king baseball just ended!" I feel for her. Really I do.

- Deep dish pizza is an insult to pizza. Nobody will convince me otherwise.

- I’m back to eating Dove ice cream bars. Oh how I missed thee. If you buy them, make sure you get them with chocolate ice cream though. I’d bathe in it if it was socially acceptable. Actually it’s just the cost that’s holding me back.

- I like Brian Billick as a football commentator, but someone needs to explain to him where the red zone is. He was attributing it to every time the offense made it past midfield.

- I could never be one of the street interviews for the E! News fact or fiction segment. When the host would say to me "Mariah Carey is trying to get pregnant, fact or fiction", I would look right into the camera and say "who gives a shit?"

- On that note, remember that crime pays if you’re good at it.

I think Bossypants would be an unfortunate last name. Especially for an unmarried female.

When predicting the World Series, anyone can pick teams that are still in it. But it takes real balls to pick teams that aren’t. That’s why I’m going out on a limb and saying this year’s World Series is gonna be Indians/Astros. Book it.

That Michigan commercial with Tim Allen makes me want to hop in a car and go there. I want to fish, hike, and see something I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I want to see….pure Michigan.

Mommy, why isn’t The Office on tonight? Well Honey, because tonight we get to watch a debate between that guy we haven’t seen in a couple weeks who admits that he may not be the right person for the job and that woman who looks like Tina Fey who answers interview questions the same way I answered essay questions back in High School when I didn’t know the answer.

Too bad the White Sox play during the day.

Go White Sox!!!

Does anybody else find it funny that the man who's asking us to trust him with $700 billion is the same man who asked us to trust him that bailing out Fannie and Freddie would stabilize the economy?

Paulson: "I need $700 billion. Trust me, I can fix this."
Senate: "You said that last time."
Paulson: "I've grown since then."
Senate: "It was a month ago."

I love the idea of more government oversight, but I hate the idea of putting "more" and "government" in the same sentence. Is there any way they don't screw this up?
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Let's talk about something else, shall we? It's Jill's and my anniversary this weekend. We're thinking about going to Lake Geneva or Galena, but are open to any other suggestions.

I think Old Guy is on to me. He hasn't called me Mike in a while and I think I know why. Neighbor Zach from 2 doors down has spent a lot of time with Old Guy the last couple weeks doing work around his house and I think he may have called me Brian a few times. I'll keep you posted if my cat is out of the bag.

What does that mean, cat out of the bag? What cat and what bag? And what sick-o is putting cats in bags to begin with? Wouldn't the phrase make more sense and be more humane if it was "let the cat out of the carry-all"?

Go White Sox!

What would it be like to be rich? I'm not talking about being a fringe millionaire. I'm talking about having hundreds of millions or even billions of dollars. What would that be like? Would I spend a lot of time contemplating pointless purchases like this one? The headline in that article says it all: Rare Islamic ewer expected to fetch over $5 million.

An ewer? What the hell is an ewer? Even after I read the article, I wasn't sure what it was. I figured I should probably look it up because what if someone brought it up to me later today and was like "hey did you see that ewer for sale for 5 mil?" and I'd be all "yes I did, but what exactly is an ewer?" and they'd be all "what's an ewer? are you serious?" and I'd be all "of course I'm not serious, I know what an ewer is. What do you think I am, some kind of moron?" and they'd be all "okay then, what is it?" Don't you just hate people who call you out like that? So I looked it up; the best I can tell is that it's some kind of pitcher. Like to pour things.

I doubt that the person who ends up paying $5 million for this one will use it for Kool-Aid though. But wouldn't that be awesome if they did? I'd love to have something like that just sitting in my house. I'd put it in my living room on top of a stereo speaker or something. People would come over and they'd look at it and be all "what the hell is that?" and I'd be all "oh, that's my ewer" and they'd be all "what's an ewer?" and I'd be all "I know, right? I didn't know either". And then I'd tell them that I paid $5 million for it. Yeah I took out a ridiculous loan. Then they'd ask me what the point of that was since everything I own put together isn't worth 1/10th that much and I'd say "Because I wanted to have this exact conversation".

Plus I needed something for on top of my stereo speaker and I'm sick of Pottery Barn.

Follow-up to this pointlessness: it's really hard to type the word "ewer". My fingers kept wanting to start with the "w". Try it out yourself. It's really hard.

- Late last week I read a headline that said the price of oil had surged to $120/barrel and my first thought was "that ain’t shit". I’ve seen the cost reach ridiculously outrageous levels, so when it only reaches a mildly outrageous level, I’m no longer fazed by it. Perhaps I’m just tired of giving a shit.

- "I’m tired of giving a shit" should be a bumper sticker.

- There’s a guy who works for my company named Jesus Bueno. Good God, that’s funny.

- No comedy is better than going to a gay bar and asking a guy if you can help "push in his stool". Of course I can only think of 2 outcomes after doing it and neither seem pleasant.

- I wonder how many times Bristol Palin’s name has been google’d in the last 24 hours. She has to have set records, no? Too bad it’s not for political reasons. But I’d love for her mom or even John McCain to go on record saying something like "if you’re 17 and not having sex yet, you’re a friggin’ loser." That’d be awesome.

- On that note, remember that nearly every good quote has already been said. And the one’s that haven’t are probably stupid.

- I like it when NBC gives us the back-story of an Olympic athlete right before they show their event. It’s like they’re saying "here’s who we’re rooting for and you should be too."

- Headline seen on the front of ESPN.com: Favre runs penalty lap. If you want hard-hitting sports journalism, make sure you tune into ESPN.com. Word is Brett also deuced an 8-incher after lunch. Pretty impressive. Thanks ESPN!

- I leave for a mini-vacation to NYC on Thursday. I’ve never been to Yankee Stadium, but I've got tickets for the Saturday day game. I’m not saying I’m excited, but right now I’m twisting my nipples like the cajun guy from The Waterboy.

- That last one was just to get the 8-inch deuce image out of your head. I figured you’d rather picture my twisted nipples over Brett’s B.M.’s. Or maybe not.

- Tom Brady is dating Gisele Bündchen, right? So with so many celebrity couples having their names combined by the media like Bennifer and Brangelina, why haven’t we heard "The Brady Bündchen" yet? Tell me that doesn’t make sense.

- If you’ve seen that already, I apologize. But if you haven’t and you see it in the future, just remember where you saw it first.

- On that note, remember that you can't always get what you want. But if you bitch and moan the loudest, hopefully someone will punch you in the face.

- I don’t like email forwards. I usually stop reading them halfway through, if I open them at all. But I have to admit, the "FAIL" pictures make me laugh every time.

- You know those automated parking garages that give you a time-stamped ticket when you enter so that they can charge you based on how long you were parked there? Okay so what’s to stop someone from parking there all day, but then walking through the ticket line again right before they leave and helping themselves to a brand new ticket? Is this a loophole that only I have thought of? There must be something I’m missing. Maybe the ticket machine won’t work if there isn’t the weight of a car stopped there. Anybody want to test it?

- I was watching the White Sox/Tiger game over the weekend and WGN was doing that thing they do where they pan the crowd during a lull. I couldn’t help but notice that every female in the stands was good looking. And some were extraordinarily good looking. Is this a Detroit thing that I wasn’t aware of?

- I don’t mind Miracle Whip. Using it instead of real mayonnaise is okay by me. I didn’t know this said something about me as a person, but apparently it does, so there you go. If you would have asked me, Miracle Whip IS mayonnaise. Whatevah the f### evah.

- Oh and I know I mentioned this once before, but ketchup on hot dogs and brats tastes good. I am still not apologizing for it.

- Yesterday’s headline: "Stocks plunge on consumer news, oil prices". Today’s headline: "Stocks surge on consumer news, oil prices". Fuck this shit, I give up.

- Hey, have you noticed that since the housing market crapped the bed, we haven’t heard much about Iraq or Afghanistan or Israel/Palestine? When was the last time you read about a suicide bomber? Are they not happening anymore or is it just not being reported?

- On that note, remember that a penny saved is a penny earned, but a penny earned means you need a new job.

- I think the “it’s on Wikipedia so it must be true” joke has officially replaced the “why don’t they just make the entire plane out of that stuff” joke as the most played out and unfunny. Any time we want to stop using it is okay by me.

- Would it be funny if my email address was something like HotMaledotcom@hotmail.com? It would be wicked confusing to give to people in person, but it would also perfectly describe me. No I got it; what if I spelled the underscore? Like instead of big_pimpin@gmail.com, I could go with BigUnderscorePimpin@gmail.com. Yeah, gold. I’m switching. Wait wait wait. How about BigUnderscorePimpinButSpellTheUnderscore@gmail.com? Oh hell yeah. No, better: BigUnderscorePimpinButSpellTheUnderscoreInsteadOfUsingTheSymbol@gmail.com. It’s on. That’s my new address. Update your contacts list please.

- I have the five-dollar footlong Subway jingle stuck in my head. I keep repeating it over and over. "Five-dollar foot lonnnnnnnngg". It’s driving me insane.

- I’m nervous to log in to my Fidelity Account. If I don’t open it, there’s a chance that my 401k is still worth what it was when I last opened it, right?

- I really want to like that show "My Boys". Jim Gaffigan is funny, the girl who plays PJ is hot (I guess), the show is based in Chicago; I should have no complaints. But it’s just awful. I still watch it every week hoping to laugh or hoping to like it, but the way they talk makes it impossible. Does anybody talk like that? They’re supposed to be a bunch of 20 and 30-something guys hanging out in bars in Chicago. THAT’S ME!!!! And yet I have never found myself having any of the conversations these guys have. Do you watch this show? Help me out. Do you like it? It’s horribly frustrating.

- Five-dollar foot lonnnnnnnnngg.

- On that note, remember that it's a good thing that it's who ya know instead of what ya know because you're a dumbass. Then again, all the people who know you secretly call you annoying behind your back.

- Do you know what the point is behind electronic paper towel dispensers in a public restroom? If it's a convenience thing so that I don't have to touch stuff, shouldn't there be an electronic bathroom door opener too then?

- I like when people ask to be called something not even close to their real name. There's this guy who works for my company whose name is Melvin, but he asks to be called Rick. I know he's not going by his middle name since it starts with W. I'm thinking he does it so that people who don't know him won't be able to find him in the company directory. He probably gets out of so much work doing that. Then again, if your name was Melvin, you'd probably want to be called something else too.

- How many times can someone be humbled before they give up and realize that they've always sucked?

- I've been wearing abercrombie cologne recently. You wouldn't believe how many people have come up to me and said "hey are you wearing abercrombie?" Or maybe you would believe it. The point is, this is something I could never do. Recognizing cologne smells? What the bleep?

- On my vacation, I landscaped my front yard. Apparently landscaping and gardening brings people together. I think the whole neighborhood came and introduced themselves to me. One lady told me that she was wondering what I was going to do with the dried bushes in my front yard. I was like, oh great, we were THAT house (signs we're getting old courtesy of Maegan).

- Jamie Lee Curtis freaks me out. If I have digestive issues, is yogurt really fixing that shit? Get it? Fixing that shit? I love puns.

- Why you comin' home, at five in the morn, something's goin' on, can I smell yo dick?

- Yeah, those lyrics still speak to me.

- On that note, remember that you can't be late for work if you simply don't show up.

Whenever I find myself approaching a door that swings towards me, I always anticipate that it’s just about to swing open. Because then if it ever happens to where someone bursts through right at the moment that I arrive, I find that my preparation ahead of time cuts down on the chance of having to go through that whole "whoa, sorry about that, did I scare ‘ya?" routine with the other person. And let’s face it, we all hate that routine. Try it out yourself next time you get the chance.

- You can tell a lot about a person based on whether or not they think the movie Beer Fest is funny.

- Have you ever thought that the meaning of "no-brainer" should be the exact opposite of how it's used?
Hey Billy, why'd you stick your finger in that light socket?
It was a no-brainer.

- I’m planning on saving one of my forever stamps for like 20 years just for spite. I’m getting my money’s worth on one of these things.

- Who am I kidding? I’ll probably lose it.

- I’m on the last sheet of paper in my notepad at work. Getting a replacement is kind of a hassle [not really], so you can bet that this last page will look pretty crazy by the end of the week. I’m sure by Wednesday I will have moved on to the cardboard backing.

- When you heard that Rachael Ray was wearing an Arab scarf in a Dunkin Donuts commercial, weren’t you expecting something different? I’ll admit, after I saw the picture, I was disappointed. Am I not allowed to wear a scarf now?

- Do you remember when $100 was a lot of money? Now if I go to any store and only spend $100, I feel like I did a good job.

- I had a moment recently where I remembered something funny from my childhood, and then I started laughing at it. The memory wasn’t really sparked by anything, so to an outsider looking on, I’m sure I looked insane.

- The moment was probably from 2nd or 3rd grade. Paul Munich was the kid in class who always picked his nose. He was chosen by the teacher to captain one of the kickball teams during recess, so the teacher said to him, “Paul, you pick first.” Then Sean Anderson, without skipping a beat, said “Paul always gets to pick first” while pretending to stick his finger in his nose. Oh that Sean Anderson. I think the teacher yelled at him for it, but afterwards in her Miss Lippy-style alone time, I bet even she had a good laugh.

- Mark Prior’s season ended over the weekend after it was revealed that he has a tear in his throwing shoulder. That’s a shame too because he was just starting to get good movement on those towels [courtesy of Donald].

- Whatever, it’s a good joke if you get it. If you don’t then I’m sorry.

- On that note, remember that if not for the last place you look, nothing would ever be found.

- I thought this blog was to be no more, at least for me. All day yesterday it was blocked at work and I'll be honest, I probably wouldn't keep it up from home. But today it's fine. I guess I'll enjoy it while it's still here because who knows how long it'll stay?

- Hey remember when it was a tossup between Mark Buehrle, Mark Mulder, and Barry Zito on who was going to be the next Tom Glavine? Ah 2002 - those were the days.

- Is there a worse feeling than a television show running a minute or two (or even 30 seconds) over it's allotted time so that your DVR cuts it off right at the end? I don't think there is. I won't tell you what I was watching (The Hills), but sonofabitch that sucks. I want to know what happened between Lauren and Audrina! Then again with MTV, it'll replay 2 hours later so it's really not a big deal. I think they do that on purpose.

- I like how Clay Aiken still isn't admitting that he's gay [not that there's anything wrong with that]. Have you seen his new haircut? Short of making out with a guy on stage, I'm not sure what more he needs to do.

- Maybe he can admit that he watches The Hills.

- Shut up, Jill makes me.

- It's really up to Interstate 290 whether or not I make it into work on time. If she's feeling like I should be on time, I'll be on time. If she's feeling like she wants me to be 20 minutes late, she'll make me 20 minutes late. She's kind of a bitch.

- ALLSTATE update - The sis' didn't get all the money she was hoping for before they told her they were going to screw her, but she did get something. It's probably enough to fix everything if she does it herself. So hey there's that. I still think ALLSTATE sucks, but that's just me. Well and my sister. And the rest of my family. And my sister's friends.

A Random from me on Monday: What would we say instead of "he'd be turning over in his grave if he saw this" if the guy we're talking about was cremated?

Paraphrased quote from Andy Bernard in tonight's episode of The Office - "My Grandfather would be turning over in his urn if he saw me playing golf with you."

Yeah that's right. I totally wrote an Office joke 3 days before it aired. And a joke for the Nard Dog on top of it.

Oompa, loompa, doompity dawsome. The Nard Dog used my joke, that's totally awesome.