1 Happy St

Don has been down on his team since the end of Game 3 against the Dodgers (actually it's probably closer to the end of Game 1). On Sunday, his team traded the once-untouchable (and 5 tool?) prospect Felix Pie to the Orioles for a couple of young pitchers Garrett Olsen, 25 and Henry Williamson, 23. Here is the IM conversation Don and I just had.

Donald(08:31): Was Garrett Olsen like the O's 5th starter last year?
Brian(08:32): Kinda. He's one of those guys who has been good in the minors and then sucks royally when he's reached the majors. Much like Felix Pie actually.
Donald(08:32): ahhh the old crap for crap
Brian(08:32): Or....the old "you take my crap and turn it gold while I take your crap and keep it crap"
Donald(08:33): Or....the old "you take my crap and turn it gold while I take your crap and give it to San Diego to make it gold while taking their crap"
Brian(08:33): i just LOL'd

Cubs Fever! See if you can catch it!

Also, this team won 97 games last year.

Awesome. Go White Sox!

FOLLOW-UP FROM BRIAN: Where was Kenny Williams while this trade was happening? You're telling me the White Sox couldn't find a spot on their roster for a guy like Felix Pie when their current CF's are Brian Anderson and friggin' Jerry Owens? Shameful.

Ever since I came up with my no-brainer rule, I've been hearing people use that term more and more.

Do you think they'll go for it here on 4th down Johnny?
I'd say it's a no-brainer Bob.

Do you think Dusty will let his starter pitch the 9th?
Of course, that's a no-brainer.

Should I tell my boss I'm unhappy with my salary?
Oh yeah, it's a no-brainer. If you're not happy, you gotta tell him.

In other words, sometimes a no-brainer means you're not using your brain. I was reminded of this last week when I heard one of the local sports radio guys (Brian Paruch on AM670?) saying that the Cubs trading for Jake Peavy is a complete no-brainer (in the good way).

The radio host was saying that whatever the Padres want for Jake Peavy, the Cubs should give it to them, whether it be Jeff Samardzija, Ronny Cedeno, Sean Marshall, Josh Vitters, Tyler Colvin, or anybody. He didn't mention whether or not he'd include Soto (in my opinion, it would be borderline criminal for Jim Hendry to include Soto in a trade for Jake Peavy), but let's assume Soto is untouchable, I still think a trade for Peavy using those other players is the no-brained version of a no-brainer. Let's look at Jake Peavy first.

When he's healthy, Jake Peavy is one of the best pitchers in the league. He strikes out 9 per 9 (sometimes more), he doesn't give up many hits (relative to guys who do), and his ERA has been under 3.00 in four of the last five years (granted, this has been at Petco). These are all good things. But let's look at the bad.

After 2007, he was coming off three straight seasons of pitching at least 200 innings. In 2008, he only pitched in 173. Why did he pitch in fewer innings? Because he missed six or seven starts. Why did he miss six or seven starts? Because he was experiencing elbow pain in his throwing arm. Why was he experiencing elbow pain in his throwing arm? Because he throws a lot of sliders. Why does he throw a lot of sliders? Because that's his 'out' pitch. Why am I asking questions and then answering them? Shut it, nobody asked you. My point is this: the reason he has been one of baseball's best pitchers for the last five years is because he has a wicked slider to compliment his capable fastball. But if the guy is starting to show signs of elbow trouble, you can bet that he'll have to cut down on the number of sliders he'll be throwing in the future. And with a fastball that runs 92-94 mph, what does that make him? Well potentially, it makes him an average pitcher rather than the Cy Young candidate the Cubs thought they were trading for. Granted, he's still a rotation guy, and you can't have too many rotation guys. But let's talk about the guys the Cubs would have to give up to get him.

Jeff Samardzija (who has a no-trade clause. WTF?) is replaceable I suppose. It's not like the Cubs have ever counted on him. He's a reliever with a great arm whom I suspect will always be a reliever. He's good to have around, but not completely necessary. Ronny Cedeno has similar value. He's not a good enough hitter to be their starting SS by any means, but he's a good defensive replacement in late innings and a capable spot-starter. Josh Vitters and Tyler Colvin, well there's your future right there. But who cares about the future? We need to win now! So okay, they're gone. But then we get to Sean Marshall. He sucks, right? Well not exactly. I'm willing to acknowledge that he'll never be more than a back-end rotation guy or long reliever. On the Cubs, however, the back-end rotation guy and long-reliever is extremely important. Look at their starters. You have Rich Harden, who for some reason can't pitch more than five innings a game. You have Carlos Zambrano, who for some reason can't go the entire season without missing a few starts here and there. And with this trade, you'll have Jake Peavy, the "ace" who is beginning to show signs of elbow pain in his throwing arm. Who is the guy who would fill in when Harden gets taken out in the 6th and Zambrano and Peavy miss their starts? Today it'd be Sean Marshall. If this trade were to happen, Sean Marshall would be the guy filling in nicely at the back-end of the Padres' rotation.

So is it a no-brainer for the Cubs to trade for Jake Peavy? Yeah, I'd say it is.

Follow-up note from Brian: I have confirmed that the radio host was Brian Paruch. Greg, you may remember him if I call him by his old Q101 name. He's the Whipping Boy. Yeah now he's on AM670 as a fill-in host. His voice is even more grating now that he's talking sports.

The following is an IM conversation between me and a Cubs fan friend of mine:

Me: The Cubs are hoping to bring back Dempster, closer Kerry Wood and backup catcher Henry Blanco, all of whom are free agents. The deal for Blanco is expected to get done shortly provided the Cubs agree to his demand for a no-trade clause.
Him: I think that God's got a sick sense of humor and when I die, I expect to find him laughing at me when I get there.
Me: He'll be all 'Dude I totally got you. I could have made you a White Sox fan or a Cardinals fan. I could have even made you hate sports. But I went this way instead and it couldn't have worked out better for me.'
Him: I'll show him. Let's go Tigers!

I mentioned on Friday that I'd be showing myself at Wrigley Field on Saturday to watch the Cubs clinch the division. I also mentioned that rather than blaspheming all day, in my head I'd be daydreaming that I was winning at poker in Vegas. Everything went according to plan; I caught a nice run of cards right in the beginning and was working off a tall stack the entire day. I got cold cards in the middle there, but after 3 hours or so, I was up big and was able to walk away happy.

I'm not sure what this picture is all about. Jill was in charge of the camera all day, so I'm guessing she just wanted to show that we were on Clark. The 1100 block to be exact. Why put it on this blog if it doesn't mean anything? I'm mysterious like that.

Ah, we're on Addison too. The corner of Clark and Addison. NOW it tells the whole story.

After the Cubs won, we celebrated with ZZ Top. It was a lot of fun. We reminisced about the good old days when Legs was topping the charts and Rick Sutcliffe was known for more than fawning over Erin Andrews. As Weird Al once said, "those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by but the memory stays. Those were the good old days."

He actually really did say that. I'm quoting busted Weird Al songs now. Which means I have to end this thing. But before I go, I will leave you with one more thought to ponder. The White Sox lowered their magic number to 5 over the weekend. The last time the White Sox and Cubs both made the playoffs in the same year was 1906, when an underdog Sox team dominated the Cubs in the World Series.

Just sayin'......

I have tickets to the Cubs game tomorrow. And I'm going. And they have a chance to clinch. If they do, watch for me on the field afterwards celebrating. I'm trying to outdo Jimmy Fallon in 2004 as the most ridiculous on-field celebration in baseball history.

I figure I have two options: I could be "that guy" and wear my White Sox gear. Or I could embrace and participate in the drunken buffoonery with my fellow Chicagoans while pretending that I'm somewhere else. I'm choosing the 2nd option. So tomorrow, in my head I'll be sitting at a poker table in Vegas or something while cocktail waitresses bring me a continuous supply of Jack Daniels/Coke concoctions. You can't beat that really. So whenever a Cubs player gets a HR and the crowd roars, in my head I will have just beaten my opponent's ace/king suited. And every time a Cubs pitcher gets a strikeout, in my head I will have just layed down a monster while avoiding my opponent's made hand. And when Vince Vaughn is singing the 7th inning stretch, in my head I'll be.....well I guess I'll be singing along with him because that's friggin cool. I mean it's Vince Vaughn. But then when the Cubs finally clinch and I'm on the infield celebrating with Mark DeRosa, in my head I'll be cashing in a stack of chips or outside lounging by the pool.

Oh it's gonna be sweet.

Pat Hughes: "Ron, does it affect a player when they know rain is coming? Do they change their approach at all?"

Ron Santo: "No, it doesn't affect a player at all. I don't remember it ever effecting guys. Sure it might be in the back of your mind that there could be a delay, so yeah I could see it effecting a player."

I'm satisfied.

Jill is a Cubs fan and I am a White Sox fan. If I was rude, I could attribute that to Jill being a moron and me being smart. But you see, I'm not rude. Regardless, that's the tag she gives me for being a White Sox fan. She feels that in order for me to be "typical", I have to be rude in defeat and rude in victory. Like that's our makeup as White Sox fans or something. I feel that she's painting with too broad a brush. We're not all rude.

This is the time where Cubs fans mention that I may not be rude, but I'm still probably a mullet-sporting, wife-beating, 1st base coach-attacking, white trash loser. I disagree. I shaved my mullet over a year ago.

So the Cubs swept the White Sox over the weekend. Everything is right with the world. The Cubs are going to win the World Series and the White Sox will fold and die like the scum that they are. I get it. But I want Jill to know that I was gracious in defeat and I would have been gracious in victory. I wouldn't have taken any joy in her suffering had our roles been reversed (okay maybe a little). And yet it was an unnamed Cubs fan (I think Jim) who taped pictures of broomsticks to my monitor so that I would have something to greet me as I made it into work.

Who's being rude now?

Hilarious rundown of the MLB franchises here.

Here are the Sox and Cubs for our Chicago readers.

Chicago Cubs - Derrick Zoolander -
You lovable loser you. You're devastatingly handsome, you get the hot chicks, and have yet to even unleash "Blue Steel". But, you always seem to mispronounce "Eugoogly" and embarrass yourself.



Chicago White Sox - Lucy Van Pelt -
Jealous that most people love your neighbor more than you, you claw and scratch your way to the top, only to find resentment and the fact that regardless of your accomplishments or failures, Charlie Brown will always be the favorite Peanuts character.

- Marty Brennaman is a jackass. His hyperbole doesn't impress me.

- The Blue Jays released DH Frank Thomas on Sunday. Today there's a poll question on the Chicago Sun-Times' on-line site that asks its readers: "Should the Sox pursue Frank Thomas?" The 2 options they give are: "Yes, he can still hit" and "No, he has a bad attitude." Uh, what about "No, they already have Jim Thome, who is also a DH and is better than Frank Thomas"? How am I smarter when it comes to sports than a major newspaper's sports department?

- By the way, May 25th is Frank Thomas bobblehead day in Toronto. That should be fun.

- Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher says the team offered him a one-year extension through 2012, believed to include at least $5 million up front and an extra $1 million added to each year remaining on his current deal. But he wants at least a two-year extension with more money up front. In other words, he has no bargaining power whatsoever and the Bears could call his bluff and tell him to go away without giving him anything, but he's still holding out. Way to be a role model to your teammates there Big Guy. By the way, would the Pillsbury Dough Boy be considered a good roll model? Get it? 'Cause he models rolls? Hey make fun of it if you'd like, but you're gonna try to use it.

- If the baseball season ended today, the White Sox and the Cubs would both make the playoffs for the first time since 1906. Also, the playoffs would be held in April for the first time ever.

I wrote this on April 2nd of last year:

Cubs
Ace pitcher Carlos Zambrano throws hissy fit in dugout, argues with umpire,
Cubs losing 5-1. Manager Lou Piniella brings in reliever Neal Cotts to
presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League:
Lou Piniella: "Give me Cotts."
Michael Barrett: "You mean Neal Cotts?"
Lou Piniella: "I know he hasn't done much in 2 years, but I got a hunch
he's due."

Sox
Ace pitcher Jose Contreras pitches 1 inning, gives up 7 ER on 8 hits, Sox
losing 11-3. Manager Ozzie Guillen brings in rookie reliever Nick Masset to
presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League 2:
Doorman: "Hey Mr. Contreras, I thought you were starting today."
Jose Contreras: "Si, I did."
Doorman: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't turn it on until the 2nd inning."

Of course these games are still going on as I type this, but is it too late
to take a mulligan on the season so far?

As I type right now, both clubs are 0 for 2 on the season. Which begs the question: Why do I always get so excited for April?

We all remember where we were when it happened. I was sitting on my couch in my living room all by myself. Even I'll admit that I was rooting for the Cubs to close out that game. You know? Like holy sh##, the friggin' Cubs are going to the World Series. That's weird to say.

But then that happened. Over there in that small picture on the right. Busted Steve Bartman. Sticks out his moron arms and interferes with the ball, costs the Cubs an out, eventually leads to a bunch more runs being scored, a loss in Game 6, a loss in Game 7, no World Series, blah blah blah, you remember it.

I'm not among those people who give Steve the benefit of the doubt. Some people have said that any fan in that situation would have done the same thing. You know what? Not me. I'm not a moron. There's no way I'm going anywhere near that ball. I think we're selling ourselves short when we say we would have done the same thing. Interfering with your own team in any game is borderline retarded, let alone the 8th inning of a Game 6. Other people say that Moises Alou wouldn't have caught the ball anyway. You know what? Bull sh##. He would have caught that f#cking ball.

Or would he have?

Now Moises himself is saying he wouldn't have caught it. What an a-hole. Is he kidding us? He wouldn't have caught the ball? And he's waited 4 and a half years to say it? While letting the whole world blame Steve this whole time? What a bleeping son of a.......Man, that's lame. The part that gets me is he says it so non-chalantly, like people wouldn't make a big deal about it.

Moises Alou, you are hereby given jag-bag status.

Steve: "Boy the Cubs looked really good this weekend!"
Donald: "Yeah, that #93 guy can really play."
Steve: "Who's that?"
Donald: "I have no idea, you're talking about spring training."

Perfect.

You may remember from earlier in the season, Brian's post about the wacky Cubs pitcher, Ryan Dempster training to become a ninja. If that was enough to make you an instant Dempster fan, this story, passed along to me by my brother-in-law Daryl, may make you rush out to buy a Cubby blue Dempster jersey!

I still want the Cubs to lose, but I'll root for them whenever Dempster takes the hill. Click the image to see what Dempster wrote on the ball.

First off, let me congratulate the Chicago Cubs and their fine display this afternoon. It's displays like those that allow me (as a White Sox fan) to be able to continue reading the sports section of the newspaper without wanting to kill myself. So for that, I thank them dearly.

Secondly, I would like to thank Darin Erstad for finally putting himself out of his misery (and mine). I know Ozzie Guillen didn't mind that his leadoff man never got on base, but if I've learned anything about Darin Erstad this season, it's that he's a gamer who will do anything and everything it takes for his team to win, which is why he faked that injury on Thursday so that Ozzie would have no choice but to remove him from the lineup. Sly veteran move Darin, very sly. If only he could figure out a way to convince Juan Uribe to do the same, we'd be back in business.

- If you really think about it, the letter "X" doesn’t really need to ecksist. I say we find a new place for helicopters to land, give Malcolm a different last name, call it a ‘zylophone’, and get rid of it altogether.

- Come to think of it, what’s with this ‘ph’ sounding like an ‘f’? I understand the rule, but has anyone ever asked why? It makes no phreakin' sense.

- What was the best invention before sliced bread came along?

- Keith Richards is reporting today that the story about him snorting his dad was just a joke. I don’t get it though. It must be more ironic funny than Ha Ha funny.

- Why do we go to all the trouble of washing our vegetables before eating them, but we don’t find it necessary to clean the top of our Coke can before popping it open?

- I think salt should be blue so that I can see how much I’ve added (courtesy of Jill).

- Is it possible to eat at Arby’s and not feel like a big loser?

- Wouldn’t it be funny if a rich White Socks fan bought the Cubs and then traded all their good players to the South Side?

- A clever Cubs fan could then ask the question, isn’t "rich White Socks fan" an ocksymoron?

- A clever White Socks fan could then ask the question, isn’t "good Cubs players" an ocksymoron?

- I’m glad baseball is back.

Cubs
Ace pitcher Carlos Zambrano throws hissy fit in dugout, argues with umpire, Cubs losing 5-1. Manager Lou Piniella brings in reliever Neal Cotts to presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League:
Lou Piniella: "Give me Cotts."
Michael Barrett: "You mean Neal Cotts?"
Lou Piniella: "I know he hasn't done much in 2 years, but I got a hunch he's due."

Sox
Ace pitcher Jose Contreras pitches 1 inning, gives up 7 ER on 8 hits, Sox losing 11-3. Manager Ozzie Guillen brings in rookie reliever Nick Masset to presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League 2:
Doorman: "Hey Mr. Contreras, I thought you were starting today."
Jose Contreras: "Si, I did."
Doorman: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't turn it on until the 2nd inning."

Of course these games are still going on as I type this, but is it too late to take a mulligan on the season so far?

- Did blowing on the inside of the Nintendo cartridge actually make it work, or did that do nothing at all?

- It’s a good thing the Cubs traded away those two pitching prospects last offseason for one year of service from Juan Pierre. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have been able to suffer through those ridiculous McDonald’s commercials all summer.

- Why am I never in Vegas at the same time Britney Spears decides she’s gonna go there and take off her pants at a club?

- Did you happen to catch Michael Richards on "Late Show with David Letterman" last night? I haven’t been that uncomfortable watching television since I saw "Monsters Ball".

- I watched "Comic Relief" on Friday night. Someone should tell Tom Arnold that Chris Farley and John Belushi died doing that.

- Someone should also tell Billy Crystal that getting multiple face-lifts won’t make him taller.

- I bought a pair of gym shoes at Meijer for $14 and they’re as comfortable as any pair of shoes I’ve ever owned. I think Nike may be a scam.

-Paris Hilton was pulled over last night for “driving erratically”. It turns out that she was drunk (or at least over the legal driving limit), but I’d be willing to bet that she normally drives that way. So could her being pulled over be considered a form of profiling?

-I love Thursdays. But only because I’ve made it a habit to make Thursday night my “Dairy Queen Heath Bar Blizzard” night.

-Reason # 447 that I am officially getting old. I read somewhere that Heath Bar Blizzards from Dairy Queen are the #2 most popular Blizzard, but most of the sales come from people over 40.

-I don’t know what gets me more excited; a pitcher who gets a no-hitter, or his media session afterwards if he’s Venezuelan. I so happy.

-Seriously, why do they make us mix that sh##?

-My least favorite part of the last two Septembers has been when the White Sox lose a game, everyone says their season is over. Then the next day when they win, everyone starts anticipating the playoffs again. Sometimes I wish I were a Cubs fan.

-Jill and I were in discussion to have Lyle Lovett’s “Nobody Knows Me” as our wedding song, but then I remembered that this song was used in 90210 after Dylan’s girlfriend (the Noxzema girl) was killed, and we can’t have that.