1 Happy St

1. Jimmy Dugan
2. Apollo 13
3. Gump
4. The Terminal
5. Carl Hanratty
6. Busom Buddy
7. Joe Versus The Volcano
8. The Green Mile
9. Woody
10. Sam Baldwin
11. The Polar Express
12. Joe Fox
13. Road to Perdition
14. Ladykiller
15. Walter Fielding
16. Turner & Hooch
17. Punchline
18. Private Ryan
19. Big
20. And last but not least… That Thing You Do!

Ok. I'm officially a horrible person. This story cracked me up.

Soon after the lights went down, a source tells us, "a man in the audience started yelling, 'Don't touch me!' People looked around and shrugged. Ten minutes later, the voice yells again, 'I said don't touch me!'"

Again, people shrugged off the disturbance. But a few minutes later, says our source, "the guy stands up in the darkness and thwacks the guy behind him with a big festival binder. He hit him so hard everybody could hear it. Everyone freaked out and turned around."

Poor defenseless Roger Ebert got bitch slapped for tapping another film critic at a recent movie screening.

Apparently Ebert, who has suffered bouts of cancer that have rendered him unable to speak, was tapping the guy in front of him to move his humungus melon so Ebert could see the screen. The guy turns around and clocks Ebert with a Trapper Keeper. Dude hasn't apologized either.

Several questions...
Ebert isn't deaf. He heard the guy say "Don't touch me!" So why did he keep touching him?
Secondly, wasn't anyone else there with Ebert that could have told Big Head to move?
And why couldn't Ebert just slip the guy a note or something.. "Please move your head, I can't see the screen. Love, Roger."

"I SAID STOP WRITING ME NOTES!!!!!"

When I was in college, I met Carrot Top. This was about 12 years ago, before he started working out like a freak. If there was a Carrot Top boom, it was right at the tail end of it.

My roommate, Tim (who actually preferred to be called Spoon. Do not ask me why. I have no idea.) had a brother that went to Western Michigan University. I guess Carrot Top had some cult following there or something, and Spoon's older brother (Ladle?) worked on the committee that brought Carrot Top to perform at the school. This got us free tickets to the show and allowed us back stage.

The show was everything you'd expect from Carrot Top. Just a bunch of prop gags for the most part. One thing that was particularly different than I'd seen from Carrot Top on TV was his use of sound effects and music clips throughout the show, all of which were coordinated with his "roadie" in the soundbooth and completely improvised.

After the show, Carrot Top, his roadie, the college entertainment committee (consisting of my roommate's brother and about 5 other peoole), my roommate and myself, went to a pub for dinner.

I should mention here, in case you didn't know, that Carrot Top's real name is Scott and he prefers that you call him that. Ironically, that didn't stop my roommate, Spoon, from calling him Carrot Top all night.

Through a lucky twist of fate, Spoon and I (the tagalongs) got seats close to Carrot Top at the table where we monopolized the conversation for most of the night. We were shooting the shit with Carrot Top. It was a little surreal. He was a nice enough guy.

During the conversation, we discussed the logistics of the show, and I mentioned how a lot of what his roadie did relied on precision timing and being able to pull up each sound clip in a split second. Roadie said something about learning to anticipate where a joke was going, to which Carrot Top said, "he's seen my show so many times that they're like a team" or something like that.

I said, "How long have you guys been together?"

Now, I certainly didn't mean to imply that they were ....TOGETHER.... I was just asking because they seemed to have good comedic chemistry. Their reactions were interesting, nonetheless.

"What? Together? Dude, We're not gay!"

Kinda defensive, aren't we, Scott?

I'm sure he's just working out because it's helps him carry around his trunk full of props.

My favorite George Carlin line: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

Mike Myers and Dana Carvey reprised their roles as Wayne and Garth at the MTV Movie Awards last night. They should not have. Carvey looks effing creepy (botox much?) and Myers looks... well... embarassed.

"Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?"

As reported by the Orlando Sentinel, Lou Pearlman, founder of so-called boy bands N*Sync and The Backstreet Boys, has been sentenced to 25 years in federal prison for his part in a con scheme that cheated victims out of $300 million.

You can read the entire story here. My favorite part was in the third to last paragraph...

On June 14, federal investigators tracked Pearlman down in the lush resort town of Bali, Indonesia, registered at a hotel under the name A. Incognito Johnson.

Has there ever been, in the history of the world, a worse alias than "Incognito Johnson"? I love it. In fact, I want to start a boy band called Incognito Johnson. Who's with me? Let's make this happen!

Wow. This is a shock. What a shame.

Steve Guttenberg now resides in rural Montana where he and his wife grow tomatoes.

T-shirts are so named because they gained popularity in the 1920's. Originally, they were known as Twenties shirts. Eventually that name was shortened to just "T-shirts".

David Duchovny enjoys spelunking.

Penny loafers were originally introduced by the Lincoln Shoe Company in Lincoln, Nebraska. The logo of the company was the silhouette of Abe Lincoln as on the penny, hence the name.

The addition symbol '+' is derived from the latin word texo, which means: to twine together, build. What we write as a plus sign is actually a lower case T.

Molly Ringwald is allergic to eggs.

Vaseline was invented as a laxative.

Christopher Columbus did not know how to swim.

Pringles chips are all the same size because they only use the parts of the potato that will make the chips that size. Proctor & Gamble sells the remaining potato pieces to the Frito-Lay company where they are used for Lays potato chips.

Blair Underwood's real name is Tootie Lowenstein.


...and that is why I'm not allowed to edit Wikipedia anymore.

In a move that seems stolen directly from SNL, heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield has decided to accept a rematch with George Foreman. This time, however, they won't be boxing. Holyfield has announced that he is throwing his hat into the ring selling grills. The "Evander Holyfield Real Deal Grill" is being touted as a direct competitor to the popular George Foreman "Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine".

Showing off his keen marketing sense, Holyfield told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "I've got a George Foreman grill. It's a good grill."

According to the manufacturer's website, the grill "comes with a deluxe stand and multiple interchangeable cooking surfaces and many other add-on items also available making it the must have grill from camping in the mountains to tailgating to grilling at home." However, there is reportedly no truth to the rumor that this grill will impregnate your daughter when you're out of the house.

World famous mime Marcel Marceau has died at the age of 84. It's unclear at this point what he died of, but I'm betting that he was choking and his friends just thought that he was just doing a bit. There are no reports on what his last words were.

Actual quote from OJ Simpson:

"I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it? What happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas."

Did OJ just hinge his defense on a Las Vegas marketing slogan?

Well now that he's behind bars, he can forget about being a spokesman for Southwest Airlines because he is no longer free to move about the country.

On the bright side, word is that he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to GEICO.

Today comes news that former Buffalo Bills star running back and film actor, O.J. Simpson is being questioned by Las Vegas police in connection with a break-in. While it seems as though each new day brings with it a new example of a celebrity in some tangle with the law, this latest example is truly shocking.

According to reports, Mr. Simpson allegedly entered the hotel room of an acquaintance and left with some sports memorabilia that may or may not have belonged to him. Some reports say that Simpson claims that the memorabilia was, in fact, his own and he was simply reclaiming it.

I for one, hope that the allegations against O.J. Simpson are found to be untrue as I would hate to see his reputation as a star athlete and movie star scarred by something as serious as robbery.

I can see where this is going. It's not good.

I absolutely love.... LOVE!!! that while trying to apologize for calling the Rutger's women's basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed hos", radio personality Don Imus actually used the phrase "you people" in his interview with Al Sharpton. Stories like that scratch me where I itch. That has to be one of the worst apologies for racism ever, but at least he didn't bring a bucket of KFC as a peace offering.

When did it become popular for celebrities to say that the media took them of context rather than simply apologizing for what they said? Every celebrity that puts his or her foot in their mouth does this now. We hear things like, "I didn't say that I hate gays, I was taken out of context" or "I didn't cheat on my wife, I was taken out of context" or "I didn't shoot that guy, I was taken out of context." Can everyone start doing this, or have celebrities cornered the market? Like if Jill overhears me complaining about her driving, can I later claim that she took me out of context?

Just for the record, Jill is a great driver and she would never hear me complaining. But even if she did, I wouldn’t use the “taken out of context” defense. Instead, I would bust out the “my bad” defense. I think that’s more appropriate.

It is being reported that our favorite former pop star has checked herself out of rehab, less than one day after checking herself in. So the plot thickens. I am setting the over/under at 5 days before she's back in the news for something crazy, and I have no worries about taking the under. I think the only thing to wager on at this point that isn't a suckers bet would be the reason she'll be back in the news. My prediction is a domestic dispute with K-Fed.

Any other predictions?

- Every day, our weather forecasters tell us what the temperature is, as well as what it "feels like" outside due to the wind-chill. But does it strike anyone else as kind of odd that a meteorologist (who uses scientific methods and data to calculate weather) would give us a number that is so unscientific when it comes to actual temperature? It strikes me as odd because temperature is a real value while wind-chill is just an abstract idea. Or is it? Do these people really know what it "feels like" outside? Better question – would I feel a difference between a wind-chilled temperature of 10 degrees versus an actual temperature of a windless 10 degrees? Even better question than that – am I the only person in the world who cares, or even thinks about things like this? Personally, I prefer a more time-honored method of checking the weather. I go outside. Yup, it's still cold.

- Speaking of the weather, have you ever noticed that 50 degrees is a lot different depending on what part of the year we're at? When it's 50 degrees in September, people are practically outside wearing snow pants. But when it's 50 degrees in February, people are outside in short-sleaves. Guys with convertibles are putting the top down. You gotta love February.

- Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan broke up three months ago. Now comes word that Bridget is three-months pregnant with Tom’s child. Talk about break-up sex gone wrong.

- Why do some drive-thru restaurants offer you free food if they forget to include a receipt with your order? That seems like an odd thing to grade their employees on. I’d much rather they concentrate on getting my order correct.

- It's gotta suck to be a woman. You put up with football for 5 months, you get a 1-month break while we catch up on what we missed in the NBA, and then before you know it, pitchers and catchers have begun to report. I think you'd all be better off if you simply started liking sports.

With her latest incident in which she shaved her head, Britney Spears has officially joined a select list of celebrities who can no longer do anything that would surprise me (like Mike Tyson, Dennis Rodman, Michael Jackson, O.J., etc). Think about it, if you were to read later today that she went on a killing rampage, would you be surprised? I wouldn’t. It would be tragic and horrible, but not surprising. In fact, I think it’s more surprising when a day goes by for that girl without incident. The scariest part about Britney though is that there’s nobody around to stop her, so this has the opportunity to go on until she’s arrested, injured, or even lying dead somewhere.

I’m reminded of a Chris Rock joke where he said something along the lines of "remember when we used to debate about who was less crazy, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!" Eight or nine years ago, we were having a debate about who would be the bigger star, Britney or Christina. How dated does that seem now? Yesterday night, Christina was looking great while performing at the NBA All-Star game halftime show. Britney was presumably staring at herself in the mirror, crying, and looking like Demi Moore in "GI Jane". Just awful.

[Editor's note: I apologize for the lack of originality in the title of this post. Your comments with a better title are welcomed]

The perennial death pool first round draft picks are dropping like flies. Steve Irwin bit it last year and now comes word that Anna Nicole Smith is dead too.

With Fidel Castro knocking on death's door, I think it's safe to say that John Goodman and Horatio Sanz are very very scared right about now.

- I could never have a cool name like Alexander the Great because I’m not all that great and "Brian the Eh" just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

- Speaking of Alexander the Great, do you think he still would have become famous if his parents would have named him Alexander the Good? Somehow I doubt it.

- I substituted dinner yesterday for a Dove ice cream bar, and I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it. I’m all for maintaining good health, but what’s the point if your life sucks as a result?

- In the game where Bump Bailey crashes through the wall, Pop Fisher should have started Bump in RF and put Roy Hobbs in LF. He should have figured that Roy was his 2nd best player and it’s silly to sit your 2nd best player just because your best player plays the same position. Pop was right, he shoulda been a farmer.

- I think it’s unfair when People Magazine puts some actor’s wife that we don’t know up against an A-Lister like Beyonce or Reese on the "Who wore it better?" page. Like that vote could ever be unbiased. The poor wife has no chance.

- "I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m just here to be positive." If I’m ever put on the stand and forced to defend myself in court, I’m totally using this.

- I just realized last week that I’ve been filling out my checking deposit slips incorrectly for like 10 years. Nobody ever told me.

- Is it possible that the QB from Ohio State was simply trying to imitate Shane Falco’s famed Sugar Bowl game? Is it possible that anyone will get this reference?

- I think the glue on the back of a Post-It should be stronger.

- We try to get clever by buying the banana’s when they’re still green, but who are we kidding? One or two of them are still going to rot.

And since I have nothing left to add, I will leave you with this: Check baby check baby one two three four, check baby check baby one two three, check baby check baby one two, check baby check baby one. It's Teddy, ready with the one-two checker, Wreckx-N-Effect is in effect but I'm the wrecker. Thankfully, that's all I remember. But hopefully, it's enough to get it stuck in your head. Oh, and by the way, all I wanna do is do my zoom zoom zoom and a poom-poom!