1 Happy St

Found here: Pakistani Sunni Muslims devotees return back to their homes on a packed train after attending annual religious congregation in Multan, Pakistan, Sunday, Nov 2, 2008.

I think there's an opening in the back.

To keep in the spirit of insane scientific experiments, a team of biologists are closing in on bringing non-living matter to life.

Go ahead, click that link and read the article. And try to make it all the way through without wondering what the fuck it's about AND without putting your fist through your computer monitor. A team of biologists claim that they can now form a self-replicating, evolving system that satisfies the conditions of life, but isn't anything like life on earth now, but might represent life as it began or could exist elsewhere in the universe.

The money quote in the article IMO is this one from one of the molecular biologists: "One of the things that always comes up when people talk about life and universal qualities is water. But is water really necessary? What if we could design a system that works in something else?" - Jack Szostak

Um, guys? CANCER STILL EXISTS! Please cure something!

Honestly, what's next? Even Darwin would ask that we take a step back.

When was the last time you rode the bus to work? I have a pretty graphic story here that will surely remind you to not fall asleep the next time you're on one. Just a warning, this is pretty horrific. Click HERE

via TBL

By now I'm sure you heard about the 16-year-old girl who was invited to a house of her peers and then they beat the crap out of her (and videotaped it so that they could become internet sensations). It was a pretty big story yesterday, but if you missed it, you can read about it here. I should warn you though that reading about it may make you angry. And sad.

A portion of the released video has made its way to youtube and there's some interesting info that you can find within the comments. I'm not sayin' you should do anything with the info. I'm pretty much just sayin'.

h/t TBL

The Perfect Plan - courtesy of Daniel Kuch

Daniel: "Man I don't want to go to work tomorrow."

Daniel's friend: "Why not?"

Daniel: "I don't know. It just sucks, ya know? Boss has been ridin' me. Plus I got that drug test comin' up and there's no way I'm passin' that son'bitch."

Daniel's friend: "I hear that. You could call in sick. That's what I do......Uh, you wanna pass that already?"

Daniel: "Nah, I can't call in sick again. Boss already said I do that one more time I'm outta there.......WAIT! I got it! You can shoot me in the shoulder."

Daniel's friend: "Okay now you're trippin'."

Daniel: "Trippin'? Who says trippin'? No for real, this'll work. You shoot me in the shoulder, I'll have to go to the hospital, boom! I don't have to go in."

Daniel's friend: "I ain't doin' that."

Daniel: "If you want this joint back you will."

Daniel's friend: "A'aight where's the gun?"

I think it's interesting that people have to be told that running 26 miles in 88 degree weather may not be a good idea. If you hadn't heard, 1 person died and approximately 250 people required some form of medical care during the Chicago marathon on Sunday.

I can see wanting the sense of accomplishment from having finished a marathon, but attempting it yesterday in that weather was just silly. Take my word for it; the humidity was crazy. I needed a shower after having walked to the street to get the mail.

Then again, is there really any skill that goes into running a marathon anyway? If you can run it in under 3 hours, I will admit that's pretty impressive. But for the folks in the 4-6 hour range, finishing a marathon requires no skill whatsoever outside of knowing how to jog (or is it yog?). Uh oh, I think I may have just pissed off the marathon folks. That's a rough crowd to have angry at you, what with the 85 lb women and all. But I have a plan to make this a real sport, so hear me out. I think for next year, the organizers of the Chicago Marathon should incorporate some kind of running of the bulls with it. For the first 25 miles, participants get to yog along at their own pace, share in the refreshments at each stop, and talk with the neighborhood folks. But then the last mile is roped off with angry bulls running at each participant like they do in Spain. Not only will the runners be wicked tired, but they'll have to avoid getting pummeled and horned. Now that's a sport.

[Editors note: Brian is actually envious of marathon runners and hopes to be one some day. However, he has a habit of putting down people who he acknowledges are better than him]

I've read this story a couple times now and I still don't think I understand it. Can somebody please help me out here? Here's what it sounds like:

A man named John Wood is involved in a plane crash and has to have his leg amputated. He asks the doctors if he can keep the severed limb so that when he dies he can be buried with it. The doctors oblige. Fast-forward. Financial troubles cause Wood to lose his house, so he rents a storage locker for all of his possessions. To save space (perhaps?), he puts his amputated leg in a smoker (perfectly reasonable). Fast-forward again. He misses some payments on the storage locker, so the facility auctions off his possessions, including the smoker, which unbeknownst to the auctioneers, contains a severed leg inside.

Hey, maybe we should open that smoker to see if there's anything inside it.

Nah, let's start the auction.

So the smoker (and leg) gets purchased by a man named Shannon Whisnant. Whisnant gets the thing home, opens it up, and OHMYGOD THERE'S A FRIGGIN LEG IN HERE!

Here's where the story gets shady.

Right, it's not shady yet.

Whisnant calls the police, the police determine that the severed leg was not put there as a result of foul play (how the hell did they determine that?), and it is then handed over to a funeral home. However, being the entrepreneur that he is, Whisnant has a change of heart.

Is there any way to profit off of this thing? Of course there is. People will come from all over the globe to see a real severed leg on display. And I'm sure they'll pay admission too. It's almost too perfect.

Whisnant consults with an attorney to try and get the leg back so that he can charge people to view it. Of course the law sides with Wood because it's his friggin leg. So Whisnant tries to persuade Wood to share it.

C'mon Man, you can have it during the week, I'll get it on weekends and holidays. We'll make millions! Or at least hundreds.

Wood wants no part of that, saying "I don't mind having the 15 minutes of fame, but I'm not looking to really profit off this thing."

Admirable.

This column was forwarded to me by a friend of mine. I implore you to read it. It's about baseball (kind of), but even if baseball is not your thing, I'm still imploring you to read it. Please.

See if you can spot the sexism, racism, and general insanity of Andy Rooney. How is this man still alive?

Maybe he isn't.

I may have to call shenanigans on this story. The details:

A group of upscale friends are enjoying themselves in one of their backyards, eating steak, drinking wine, probably telling jokes (although this could not be confirmed), and pretty much just carrying on and celebrating the fact that they are all upscale friends who can enjoy steak and wine in a backyard. Enter the hooded gunman (whom we'll call Marty) through an open gate. Marty takes his gun and holds it up to the head of a 14 year old girl (whom we'll call Missy), who is attending the party with her parents. Marty begins to demand cash or he'll shoot poor Missy square in the head. However, party-goer Cha Cha Rowan (her name, not a name I gave her) has other plans.

"We're just finishing up dinner," says Cha Cha. "Rather than waving that gun around and frightening Missy, why don't you instead join us for some wine?"

"Funny you should mention that," says Marty. "I'm quite the wine connoisseur. You wouldn't by chance have a bottle of Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry, would you?"

"Do we?" asks Cha Cha sarcastically. "What kind of party would we be if we didn't have Chateau Malescot St-Exupéry? Here, take a sip of this."

[Marty takes a sip]

"Damn that's good," he says. "How 'bout a group hug?"

[Everybody forms a circle and hugs, Marty shares a tearful goodbye with his new friends and leaves]

"Come back Sunday," yells Cha Cha. "We're all watching Entourage."

Reading this story, I can only hope the following dialogue actually happened:

Dinner Party Host: "Can you do me a favor and put these leftovers in the freezer downstairs?"

Dinner Party Guest: "Sure. I'll take them down there right now."

Dinner Party Host's inner-monologue: "Hey Jackass, aren't you forgetting something about that freezer? Did you not just kill your wife and son and store their bodies in there?"

Dinner Party Host: "Oh crap, I forgot about killing my wife and son and storing their bodies in there."

Dinner Party Guest (in a shreiking scream from the basement): "HOLY CRAP, THERE'S TWO BODIES BEING STORED IN HERE!!!!"

Dinner Party Host's inner-monologue: "Hey Jackass. Perhaps you should have taken the leftovers down there yourself rather than sending your dinner party guest. Then maybe she wouldn't have just discovered your dead wife and son. Try to play this off like it's nothing."

Dinner Party Host: "Hey are you alright down there? Just put the leftovers in the door and come back up. I'm opening a fresh pinot."

So now it seems that Josh Hancock's dad is suing everyone involved with the death of his son. If you're not familiar with Josh Hancock, he was the pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals who got crazy drunk at a bar one night last month, hopped into his rented Ford Explorer (along with his gi-normous bag of weed), drove for a couple miles before slamming into the back of a tow truck that was tending to a stalled car in the left lane of the highway he was traveling on. Of course, he was also on his cell phone at the time. He died upon impact.

It's being reported today that Josh Hancock's dad is suing the owner of the bar that Josh was at because they over-served him. Also being sued is the tow truck driver because no road flares were put out. And inexplicably, his dad is even suing the poor kid whose car had broken down because he "was negligent in allowing [his] vehicle to reach the point where it stalled on the highway."

My question though is why is Josh's dad stopping there? Why not sue the makers of Jack Daniels for making a product that impairs judgment and vision? Why not sue Ford for making an SUV that can't withstand the impact of slamming into the back of a tow truck? Why not sue the state of Missouri for not making the highway wider? Or even better, why not sue God for making it dark outside?

Sometimes you just have to admit that the fault lies with the victim. I feel bad for Josh's dad that he lost his son, but I think he deserves jag-bag status for this one.

Yesterday I received an envelope in the mail that looked pretty much like junk (like an application for a credit card), but I opened it anyway just to be sure and also so that I could properly shred it afterwards. Inside, I was shocked at what I found. Apparently Visa took it upon themselves to sign me up for a Jeep Rewards Visa credit card. Included inside the envelope were 3 checks (numbered 1000, 1001, and 1002) with my full name and address already on them and an indication that these were valid and could be used at my discretion. Also included was an active PIN for immediate cash access.

Never in my life have I signed up for a credit card that wasn't directly associated with my personal bank, nor would I. So how is it legal for the credit companies to sign me up without my knowledge or consent? More importantly, how is it legal for them to send me active personalized checks through the mail? Who's to stop some yahoo from getting their hands on my mail and using it themselves?

The Federal Government has agencies that try to inform the public about identity theft, and there's countless websites that issue tips on how we can protect ourselves. So why are the credit card companies even allowed to do this? I fail to see how something this important could be overlooked by the agencies who try to thwart identity theft. Instead, we're left to protect ourselves and that's a bunch of crap.

[Editor's note: Hopefully, this is Brian's only rant of the month and he'll soon go back to posting something more juvenile and non-sensical]

If you didn't get your mom anything for Mother's Day, shame on you. But if she's mad at you for not getting her anything, tell her it could be worse.

Japanese police arrested a 17-year-old boy on Tuesday on suspicion of murdering his mother after he turned up at a police station carrying a severed human head in a bag. Police in Aizuwakamatsu, 125 miles north of Tokyo, said they arrested the teenager after officers found a beheaded body in the apartment where he lived. The boy told police he killed his mother on Monday evening while she was asleep.

Asked why he did it, he said "yeah, that was my bad, but she continued to put peas in my salad, and who likes peas? I mean c'mon."

Did you all read about this guy? Apparently he showed up piss drunk to his own wedding, so the bride-to-be's family chased him from the ceremony. But rather than canceling the day, the wedding proceeded with a different groom as Drunk Guy's lil' brother stepped up to the plate.

There's too many punchlines to use following this story, so I'll leave it up to you. Your choices are:

A. That's all he did? Isn't every groom drunk at his wedding?

B. Gives new meaning to the term 'Best Man'.

C. I'm not surprised, you don't wanna lose the deposit on the band.

Please feel free to come up with one of your own as the possibilities seem endless.

For those of you who don't know me personally, I'll let you in on a little something about myself that you probably could have gathered by now just by reading some of the nonsense I put up here; I am insane. Not in a 'I have an ax in my garage that could implicate me in crimes' kind of way, but more in an obsessive compulsive 'fear of inconsistencies or changes' kind of way. That is why today is a huge day for me.

I just threw away my check book's transaction register.

For the past 10 years, I have obsessively kept track of every transaction I have ever made by check or debit card. As soon as a purchase or credit is made from my account, I feverishly race to my transaction register to mark it down. In fact, if you asked me how much I paid for that pair of black shoes I used to have back in the late 90's, not only could I tell you within 5 minutes or so, but I could produce the receipt for the damn things in just as little time. Then I would ask you how it's possible that you remember my black shoes from the late 90's. That's just weird.

But anyway, I figure that it's no longer necessary to keep track of these things the way I used to being that I've fully taken advantage of on-line banking and all. Plus I hate having physical proof of how insane I am. So today it stops.

Hopefully I make it through the day. I can tell you that I've peeked in the garbage can twice already and the transaction register continues to beg me to take it out of there and put it back where it belongs. I will stand strong, I promise. Although I may have to move it to a garbage can that's nowhere near me.

For the second consecutive year, the number of clergy sex abuse claims received by the nation's Roman Catholic bishops and religious orders has dropped, according to a new report on the church's child protection reforms. In fact, the headline of the article comes right out and says it: "Catholic abuse claims drop for 2nd year".

It drops. It hasn't stopped completely. But it's dropped.

Seriously, is this worthy of a celebration? Should I be encouraged by this? I'm confused.

On April 5, Chicagoan Jenny Huynh forced her sister-in-law Kein Tran to open a safe in her home and stole at least $2,000 from her. Afterwards, Huynh allegedly stabbed Tran to death, and then went gambling.

Money quote within the article:
"I know she has a gambling problem, but this really surprises me," said Michelle Duong, manager of Nails Now in Mundelein, who fired [Huynh] last week for doing a poor job as a nail technician.

Future quote that I hope to see:
"I was broke and I needed to go to the boat," said Huynh. "I'm not going to apologize for that. Although I do admit the killing part was totally my bad."

- If you really think about it, the letter "X" doesn’t really need to ecksist. I say we find a new place for helicopters to land, give Malcolm a different last name, call it a ‘zylophone’, and get rid of it altogether.

- Come to think of it, what’s with this ‘ph’ sounding like an ‘f’? I understand the rule, but has anyone ever asked why? It makes no phreakin' sense.

- What was the best invention before sliced bread came along?

- Keith Richards is reporting today that the story about him snorting his dad was just a joke. I don’t get it though. It must be more ironic funny than Ha Ha funny.

- Why do we go to all the trouble of washing our vegetables before eating them, but we don’t find it necessary to clean the top of our Coke can before popping it open?

- I think salt should be blue so that I can see how much I’ve added (courtesy of Jill).

- Is it possible to eat at Arby’s and not feel like a big loser?

- Wouldn’t it be funny if a rich White Socks fan bought the Cubs and then traded all their good players to the South Side?

- A clever Cubs fan could then ask the question, isn’t "rich White Socks fan" an ocksymoron?

- A clever White Socks fan could then ask the question, isn’t "good Cubs players" an ocksymoron?

- I’m glad baseball is back.

Every once in a while, I'll read about something that will completely blow me away in its craziness. Whether it's a story about the girl from E. Michigan U. visiting the frat house or the group of people demanding that the magician return the fairy back to its resting place or the couple from Sweden who's suing their government over the right to name their child 'Metallica' <---courtesy of Maegan. But then a story like this comes along and trumps them all:

Keith Richards, the 63-year-old guitarist of the Rolling Stones, said he snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine. "The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME. "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared. It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

I don't have a joke to add, a commentary, or even a quip. I have nothing. There's absolutely nothing to add. Keith Richards is the craziest man on the planet. Well I guess that's a commentary, albeit a slight one. I think I may be done for the day.

I'm fascinated by the story of the astronaut woman accused of attempting to kidnap the girlfriend of a male astronaut. U.S. Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak was arrested in Orlando after driving from Houston to confront the female companion of fellow astronaut Bill Oefelein. She reportedly wore adult diapers during the 1000 mile drive so she would not have to stop for bathroom breaks along the way.

I'm reminded of Brian's theory that the only thing better than a hot girl, is a hot girl who's kinda crazy. I think the theory hits the wall at hot girls that are so crazy they'll drive 1000 miles wearing diapers.