1 Happy St

The next person that says the phrase "instant messenging" to me is getting their head amputated. It's instant MESSAGING, not MESSENGING!

On my way to lunch today, I just saw a homeless guy talking on a cell phone. Then he finished up his conversation and went back to his spot on the exit ramp holding his sign.

I couldn't see what his sign said, but I'm guessing it was something like "Brother, can you spare me some roll-over minutes?"

Embattled Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick may have outdone himself. Under pressure to leave office in the midst of a sex scandal and felony charges of misconduct of office, obstruction of justice, purgery and conspiracy (among others), Kilpatrick has so far ignored all requests to step down.

The Detroit city council recently passed a resolution urging Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm to remove him from office. Mayor Kilpatrick's response? He vetoed the resolution. Isn't that awesome?

"We vote to remove you!"
"Veto."

Since it was a non-binding resolution that simply requested the action of the Governor, it is clear that he didn't have the legal authority to veto anything, prompting Council attorney Bill Goodman to call Kilpatrick "brainless". But you have to applaud the effort. What a douche!

As reported by the Orlando Sentinel, Lou Pearlman, founder of so-called boy bands N*Sync and The Backstreet Boys, has been sentenced to 25 years in federal prison for his part in a con scheme that cheated victims out of $300 million.

You can read the entire story here. My favorite part was in the third to last paragraph...

On June 14, federal investigators tracked Pearlman down in the lush resort town of Bali, Indonesia, registered at a hotel under the name A. Incognito Johnson.

Has there ever been, in the history of the world, a worse alias than "Incognito Johnson"? I love it. In fact, I want to start a boy band called Incognito Johnson. Who's with me? Let's make this happen!

click here for video... (embed was horking up the site)

I really want the White Sox to win the World Series this year, if for no other reason than to hear to the voiceover on the championship DVD explain how the team's turn-around may have been sparked by two blowup dolls.

This comes courtesy MSN Lifestyle. Brian's got less than a year to get this all out of his system...

1. Coin his own nickname.
2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.
3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.
4. Hacky sack.
5. Name his "unit" his name plus junior.
6. Hang art with tape.
7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.
8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"
9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"
10. Skip.
11. Take a camera to a nude beach.
12. Let his father do his taxes.
13. Tap on the glass.
14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"
15. Use the word collated on his resume.
16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.
17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.
18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.
19. Give shout-outs.
20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.
21. Hug amusement-park characters.
22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.
23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."
24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."
25. Request extra sprinkles.
26. Air drum.
27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.
28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.
29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.
30. Sleep on a bare mattress.
31. End a conversation with "later skater."
32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.
33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"
34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.
35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.
36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.
37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.
38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."
39. Whine.
40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."
41. Purchase fireworks.
42. Google the word vagina.
43. Ride a pony.
44. Sport an ironic mustache.
45. Hit 13 against a 6.
46. Organize a party bus.
47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.
48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.
49. Keg stands.
50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.
51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.
52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.
53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.
54. Read The Fountainhead.
55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.
56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."
57. Own a vanity plate.
58. Whippits.
59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

They also included a list of things no man should ever do past age 1. I think those of us with kids will appreciate this list more...

Get circumcised.
Spend more than ten minutes looking at a checkerboard pattern (exception: peyote users).
Look longingly at his mother's breasts.
Urinate in his mouth.
Be terrified of Mr. Noodle on Elmo's World.
Cry at the sight of a wooden spoon.
Eat pureed Wheat Thins.
Suck on the corner of a laptop.
Go willingly into the arms of strangers.
Lose neck control.
Have a favorite Higglytown Hero.
"Make nice."
Wear a unitard.
Read The Fountainhead.

Courtesy of FoxNews.com.

Ohio police have arrested a man who was caught on tape allegedly having sex with a picnic table.

Art Price Jr., 40, of Bellevue, Ohio, was arrested after a neighbor videotaped him engaged sexually with the metal table, according to a report on FOX19.com.

Price was seen on four separate occasions, always between 10:30 a.m. and noon, having sex with the picnic table, Bellevue Police Capt. Matt Johnson told the TV station.

"The first video we had, he was completely nude," Johnson said, noting the table in question had a hole in the middle intended to hold an umbrella.

Price, a married father of three school-age kids, faces felony counts of public indecency because his house is near an elementary school, according to the report.

In fairness, he says he did have dinner with the table first.

Katrina victim sues U.S. for $3 quadrillion

NEW ORLEANS - Hurricane Katrina's victims have put a price tag on their suffering and it is staggering — including one plaintiff seeking the unlikely sum of $3 quadrillion.

The total number — $3,014,170,389,176,410 — is the dollar figure so far sought from some 489,000 claims filed against the federal government over damage from the failure of levees and flood walls following the Aug. 29, 2005, hurricane.

Of the total number of claims, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers said it has received 247 for at least $1 billion apiece, including the one for $3 quadrillion.

"That's the mother of all high numbers," said Loren Scott, a Baton Rouge-based economist.

$3 quadrillion? I guess suing for three Brazilian dollars didn't turn out quite like they expected.

As if losing in the NCAA National Championship Game two consecutive years weren't bad enough, it seems as if Ohio State's cheerleaders may need to retake remedial spelling.

If they came from one of those hard-to-spell states like Mississippi or Massachusetts, one might be more willing to forgive them, but this is ridiculous!

Yes, it's real... and it's SPECTACULAR!

Go Blue!

Wow. Words escape me.

I've read this story a couple times now and I still don't think I understand it. Can somebody please help me out here? Here's what it sounds like:

A man named John Wood is involved in a plane crash and has to have his leg amputated. He asks the doctors if he can keep the severed limb so that when he dies he can be buried with it. The doctors oblige. Fast-forward. Financial troubles cause Wood to lose his house, so he rents a storage locker for all of his possessions. To save space (perhaps?), he puts his amputated leg in a smoker (perfectly reasonable). Fast-forward again. He misses some payments on the storage locker, so the facility auctions off his possessions, including the smoker, which unbeknownst to the auctioneers, contains a severed leg inside.

Hey, maybe we should open that smoker to see if there's anything inside it.

Nah, let's start the auction.

So the smoker (and leg) gets purchased by a man named Shannon Whisnant. Whisnant gets the thing home, opens it up, and OHMYGOD THERE'S A FRIGGIN LEG IN HERE!

Here's where the story gets shady.

Right, it's not shady yet.

Whisnant calls the police, the police determine that the severed leg was not put there as a result of foul play (how the hell did they determine that?), and it is then handed over to a funeral home. However, being the entrepreneur that he is, Whisnant has a change of heart.

Is there any way to profit off of this thing? Of course there is. People will come from all over the globe to see a real severed leg on display. And I'm sure they'll pay admission too. It's almost too perfect.

Whisnant consults with an attorney to try and get the leg back so that he can charge people to view it. Of course the law sides with Wood because it's his friggin leg. So Whisnant tries to persuade Wood to share it.

C'mon Man, you can have it during the week, I'll get it on weekends and holidays. We'll make millions! Or at least hundreds.

Wood wants no part of that, saying "I don't mind having the 15 minutes of fame, but I'm not looking to really profit off this thing."

Admirable.

Actual quote from OJ Simpson:

"I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it? What happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas."

Did OJ just hinge his defense on a Las Vegas marketing slogan?

Well now that he's behind bars, he can forget about being a spokesman for Southwest Airlines because he is no longer free to move about the country.

On the bright side, word is that he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to GEICO.

This is insane.

Amanda Lynn Bailey (41) of Florida was arrested on charges of drunken driving for the second time since April. Normally this story wouldn't be worth mentioning, but she was photographed in her mugshot wearing the best T-Shirt of all time ----------------------------------->

I can see where this is going. It's not good.

Police in Florida yesterday broke up what they believe to be a "very professional" cockfighting operation.

The cockfighting operation was discovered when loud cheering was heard coming from the woods. 17 men were captured, including one man who was wearing a hat with the word "COCKFIGHTING" on it. Police also discovered $25,000 in cash, a fighting box, and a grave of dead roosters.

Let's put aside the fact that this supposedly "professional" cockfighting operation was discovered because they were cheering too loudly. What I want to know is how someone finds a cockfighting baseball cap, thinks to himself, "Hey, I like cockfighting! I'm going to buy that hat!", and then wears it TO A COCKFIGHTING MATCH!

First of all, wearing the cap to a match seems a little bit like wearing the t-shirt of the band you're going to see. It lacks imagination and it just makes you look like a cockfighting poseur. I bet he always bet on the bigger bird too.

Secondly, someone actually produced a cockfighting baseball cap, which means there's likely more of them around. If anyone sees one, buy it for me. I want that hat! I can't wait to show it off to the guys in my golf league.

Do you think he wore the hat when he wasn't cockfighting? Where is a tasteful venue to display your cockfighting baseball cap? To a job interview? At brunch with Miffy and Chester? On your Real World 27 audition tape? Church?

Kinda funny:

911 dispatcher: "9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

Mr. Shelton: "Help, I'm surrounded by Largo police officers."

911 dispatcher: "Okay, just remain calm. Are you hurt?"

Mr. Shelton: "No, but that could change, you need to send the police ASAP!"

911 dispatcher: "No problem Sir. I'm sending help right now. The Largo Police should be there in less than 4 miliseconds."

Mr. Shelton: "Okay, they're here. Thanks for your help."

If you haven't seen it yet, check out this video of a minor league manager's rapid descent into madness. This will be the standard by which all future managerial meltdowns are measured. Meet Mississippi Braves manager, Phillip Wellman.