1 Happy St

Joe Crede: .261, 15 HR, 47 BI, 17 errors
Jason Varitek: .218, 7 HR, 27 RBI

These two guys were the two obvious head-scratchers when the American League All-Star team was announced yesterday. While both guys have certainly been worthy in previous seasons, each of them is having an off year this year.

Joe Crede started the season strong offensively, but has seen his defense decline rapidly, already committing a career high 17 errors at third base.

Jason Varitek, hitting a meager .218, should be nowhere near Yankee Stadium next Tuesday. Both Varitek and Crede were voted onto the team by the players.

Besides wasting two roster spots that should be used for more worthy players, what else do these players have in common?

• Both of them are free agents after this season.
• Both of them are clients of super-agent Scott Boras.

Is Scott Boras gaming the system by having his clients cast All-Star votes for Crede and Varitek to help them secure more lucrative deals in the upcoming off-season?

(h/t Daryl)

I've been watching a lot of White Sox games this year. It's nothing new; I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. This year they have a new guy Alexei Ramirez. He's Cuban and he's pretty good. I guess. But one thing I've noticed about him that I'm sure will eventually creep up as a weakness for him is that he swings at every pitch. I'm not exaggerating [yes I am]. Every pitch, regardless of where it's thrown, he's up there swinging. I've seen him have at bats where he saw 8 or 9 pitches and swung at all of them. Curve ball low and away? He's swinging. Fastball way up. Swinging. Curve ball behind his head? Swing. So yesterday while I was watching the game, Jill came in the room right as Alexei was about to hit. I said to her "watch this, even if the pitch is way out of the strike zone, this guy will swing at it". She said "I really don't care". Then I said "no watch, regardless of where it's pitched, he'll swing". So she watched and the pitch ended up being a crazy breaking ball way low and way away. Alexei swung and missed and Jill said "he does that every time?" and I said "yes" and she said "so why would the pitcher ever throw him a strike?" and I said "exactly". I'm not sure what my point is except to say that Jill couldn't care less about baseball strategy, and yet Alexei's hitting coach is a millionaire and so are the pitchers he faces every day.

Just sayin'.

This is a new one.

The Tigers have placed utility man Brandon Inge on the disabled list retroactive to June 23rd with a pulled oblique muscle...Inge said he aggravated the injury moving a pillow for his three-year-old Monday night.

Uh huh. Personally I would have gone with the "I fell into a blanket of feathers" excuse.

Hey that reminds me of a stupid joke: What happened to the guy who jumped 100 feet into a bottle of root beer? Nothing, it was a soft drink.

This blog sucks. Even the title was lame. Got anything to talk about?

[h/t TBL on the Inge story]

Jill is a Cubs fan and I am a White Sox fan. If I was rude, I could attribute that to Jill being a moron and me being smart. But you see, I'm not rude. Regardless, that's the tag she gives me for being a White Sox fan. She feels that in order for me to be "typical", I have to be rude in defeat and rude in victory. Like that's our makeup as White Sox fans or something. I feel that she's painting with too broad a brush. We're not all rude.

This is the time where Cubs fans mention that I may not be rude, but I'm still probably a mullet-sporting, wife-beating, 1st base coach-attacking, white trash loser. I disagree. I shaved my mullet over a year ago.

So the Cubs swept the White Sox over the weekend. Everything is right with the world. The Cubs are going to win the World Series and the White Sox will fold and die like the scum that they are. I get it. But I want Jill to know that I was gracious in defeat and I would have been gracious in victory. I wouldn't have taken any joy in her suffering had our roles been reversed (okay maybe a little). And yet it was an unnamed Cubs fan (I think Jim) who taped pictures of broomsticks to my monitor so that I would have something to greet me as I made it into work.

Who's being rude now?

Hilarious rundown of the MLB franchises here.

Here are the Sox and Cubs for our Chicago readers.

Chicago Cubs - Derrick Zoolander -
You lovable loser you. You're devastatingly handsome, you get the hot chicks, and have yet to even unleash "Blue Steel". But, you always seem to mispronounce "Eugoogly" and embarrass yourself.



Chicago White Sox - Lucy Van Pelt -
Jealous that most people love your neighbor more than you, you claw and scratch your way to the top, only to find resentment and the fact that regardless of your accomplishments or failures, Charlie Brown will always be the favorite Peanuts character.

Not to be the guy who craps on the good story [okay, I love to be the guy who craps on the good story], but did you notice that Tiger Woods only grimaced yesterday when he shanked the ball into the rough? Every time he hit a good shot, his knee somehow gave him no pain.

The White Sox have lost 5 of 6. I think today is the day when Crazy Bones kills someone.

Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang injured his foot in yesterday's game. Can you guess which of the following lines related to that injury were found in articles by the AP, NY Post, NY Times?
A. An injured Wang doesn't bode well
B. They need a healthy Wang if they're going to make it to October
C. The other guys will have to step it up in the absense of Wang
D. You have a superior Wang
E. All of the above

Yep, the answer is E. Nicely done.

Actually, I made up A, B, and C.

And D was from Boogie Nights.

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the day that Bull Durham was released. A lot of people will put Bull Durham on their list of favorite sports movies (or at least favorite baseball movies). Those same people will cite this line by Kevin Costner as one of its classics: Well, I believe in the soul, the bleep, the bleep, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. After that line, Susan Surandon gets a little weak in the knees and she falls in love with him. Okay fair enough. Who wouldn't fall in love with Kevin Costner after he said that? But I ask you: is there any way someone could ever give an impomptu speech like that without it being rehearsed? I don't think so. He totally used that speech once before. Or read it somewhere, liked it, and memorized it. Which means that Susan Surandon fell in love with a lie. That always bothered me about that movie.

You wanna know the best part though? Next time you catch that movie on cable, you'll think of me when Kevin Costner starts his little spiel.

MLB is talking about adding instant replay for HR calls. I guess it would be similar to what the NFL does when it looks like the referee gets a call wrong; the manager will challenge the ruling and the ump will review the video in order to get the call correct. Some people, like ESPN's Douche Morgan, feel that having instant replay in baseball is a bad idea. His argument (re-typed by me with his typos and grammatical errors removed for clarity) is as follows: I do not think you* can have replays because you** would use it too much. There has been talk of using it for HR in the 8th or 9th inning, but that is not fair because often the winning HRs are hit earlier in the game. Replay would slow the game down more, so I think we will just have to live with the decisions of the umpires.

* By "you", he means MLB.
** By "you", he means the managers of baseball teams.

Okay, so to his first point: "you" would use it too much. Brian's simple solution: "We" put a limit on how many times it can be used. And honestly, how many times per season is a HR not clearly a HR? Out of the thousand games each year, does this happen more than 10 times a season? I would be shocked if it does.

To his second point: There has been talk of using it for HR in the 8th or 9th inning, but that is not fair because often the winning HRs are hit earlier in the game. Brian's take: This is valid. Make them challengable (is that a word?) the entire game.

To his third point: Replay would slow the game down more. Brian's response: Moronic, and I will prove so with a hypothetical that actually happened, meaning it's not really a hypothetical. Let's say Joe Crede hits a HR inside the fair pole, but the umpire rules it a foul ball. Crazy Bones will be in the White Sox dugout and he will see that it was indeed a HR, so he will come out and begin to argue with the umpire that ruled it foul. He will continue to argue for 4 or 5 minutes until he gets ejected. Then he will grab ahold of 3rd base and throw it into the outfield. Now tell me, what will take more time: Crazy Bones and his arguing, or the review of a call to get it right?

To a fourth point that Joe didn't make, but I hear others making: Where will it end? If they start reviewing HR calls, what's to stop them from reviewing other things? Brian's response: Uh, they make it a rule that only HR calls are reviewable. Seems pretty straight-forward there. Or, better yet, just get rid of umpires altogether. Who needs 'em? I can play a pickup baseball game with a dozen or so of my friends without the benefit of any umpires, and we would get along just fine. MLB will have the benefit of replay if something is questionable.

Radical? Yes. Logical?

Probably not.

click here for video... (embed was horking up the site)

You may remember the last time I took issue with the poll question in the Chicago Sun-Times sports section. Well I have another issue.

Last night, White Sox pitcher Gavin Floyd had a no-hitter going after 8 innings. Going to the break between the 8th and 9th, broadcaster Hawk Harrelson said something like "call up your friends and family, Gavin Floyd is bringing a no-hitter to the 9th when we come back." I'm paraphrasing, but I think that's pretty close. I kind of smiled when he said it because it's considered bad form to mention a no-hitter during a no-hitter. But I'm also not an idiot. I realize that a broadcaster of a baseball game has no responsibility whatsoever in breaking up no-hitters. Only the players do. And really only the hitter and the pitcher. Everyone else is kind of inconsequential. Also, Hawk gets paid to call it like he sees it. You know, 'cause he's a broadcaster. Which brings us to the poll question:

Did Hawk jinx Floyd by mentioning the near no-hitter?

Our choices:

-Yes, you don't mention it till it's over
-No, he did the same before Buehrle's no-hitter
-Hope he did, I'm a Cubs fan

How about: No, jinxes don't exist. I'm not a moron.

Oh well.

First, a who gives a sh## to whet your pallet (and yes, I made 'who gives a sh##' a noun). Today's version let's us know that Wayne Brady's divorce has finally gone through. Has he been relevant in the last 3 years? Oh he was in "How I met your mother?" I must have missed that episode and all the other one's before and after that one. And this is coming from someone who still watches various MTV programming.

Speaking of MTV programming, the internet-voted cast-member from the new season of The Real World is my new favorite character ever and it only took him 60 minutes to win me over. I'd look up his name, but I'm too lazy, so instead I'll just give you a description and you'll know who I'm talking about (if you watch the show, which is doubtful): tall black guy who doesn't care about anything or anyone, doesn't care what people think of him, and thinks he's God's gift to gifts from God. I cannot wait, CANNOT WAIT, for episode 2. And I'm a 29-year-old male. Also, if you can look at the ginormously armed white guy* from Chicago and not think of this youtube classic, then you're not at all like me. Before this season is over, I will need that guy to take a shower in Jagerbombs at least once.

* Seriously, how do you get your arms that big? I could quit my job and become one of those guys who spends 15 hours a day lifting weights and I still don't think my arms could do that. Would I even want them to look like that? Okay maybe. But still. If my arms looked like that, I don't think there'd be any way that somebody could have a conversation with me without them zoning off and thinking about my arms. So how does he ever have a real conversation with someone? Hmm, maybe that's the idea.

Third, is it possible to read the word 'evacuate' without immediately thinking it says something else?

Hey nobody said these thoughts would be related to each other.

If my favorite no-talent ass-clown (Joe Morgan) gets into a verbal spar with my favorite crazy-bones manager (Ozzie Guillen), for whom do I root? Because that's exactly what happened Sunday night. From the Chicago Sun-Times:

DETROIT – It was vintage Ozzie Guillen before Sunday night’s game, as he didn’t
take kindly to ESPN broadcaster Joe Morgan questioning the fact that Guillen
told reporters on Saturday that he felt Ivan Rodriguez, not Roberto Clemente,
was the greatest player to come out of Puerto Rico. Morgan told Guillen he was
"crazy," starting a series of "FU’s" from Guillen...."The problem is these old guys think that none of the players now are better than back then," Guillen said. He then sighted an example, bringing up how Babe Ruth was fat and out of shape, but yet was a dominant hitter and pitcher back in the old days. "Babe Ruth couldn’t even play now," Guillen insisted. Morgan was trying to laugh it off, but Guillen sure wasn’t.

See the problem here is that Joe Morgan is a family man. He doesn't use words like f#ck in normal conversation. So in an argument with Crazy Bones, he'll never win. If two guys are arguing and one of them says "you're wrong" while the other says "F#ck You", the F#ck You guy automatically wins. Sad to say, but it's true. Poor Joe. Let's just hope they'll continue providing us more craziness as the season goes on.

I wrote this on April 2nd of last year:

Cubs
Ace pitcher Carlos Zambrano throws hissy fit in dugout, argues with umpire,
Cubs losing 5-1. Manager Lou Piniella brings in reliever Neal Cotts to
presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League:
Lou Piniella: "Give me Cotts."
Michael Barrett: "You mean Neal Cotts?"
Lou Piniella: "I know he hasn't done much in 2 years, but I got a hunch
he's due."

Sox
Ace pitcher Jose Contreras pitches 1 inning, gives up 7 ER on 8 hits, Sox
losing 11-3. Manager Ozzie Guillen brings in rookie reliever Nick Masset to
presumably throw in the towel on Opening Day.

I'm reminded of a scene in Major League 2:
Doorman: "Hey Mr. Contreras, I thought you were starting today."
Jose Contreras: "Si, I did."
Doorman: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't turn it on until the 2nd inning."

Of course these games are still going on as I type this, but is it too late
to take a mulligan on the season so far?

As I type right now, both clubs are 0 for 2 on the season. Which begs the question: Why do I always get so excited for April?

We all remember where we were when it happened. I was sitting on my couch in my living room all by myself. Even I'll admit that I was rooting for the Cubs to close out that game. You know? Like holy sh##, the friggin' Cubs are going to the World Series. That's weird to say.

But then that happened. Over there in that small picture on the right. Busted Steve Bartman. Sticks out his moron arms and interferes with the ball, costs the Cubs an out, eventually leads to a bunch more runs being scored, a loss in Game 6, a loss in Game 7, no World Series, blah blah blah, you remember it.

I'm not among those people who give Steve the benefit of the doubt. Some people have said that any fan in that situation would have done the same thing. You know what? Not me. I'm not a moron. There's no way I'm going anywhere near that ball. I think we're selling ourselves short when we say we would have done the same thing. Interfering with your own team in any game is borderline retarded, let alone the 8th inning of a Game 6. Other people say that Moises Alou wouldn't have caught the ball anyway. You know what? Bull sh##. He would have caught that f#cking ball.

Or would he have?

Now Moises himself is saying he wouldn't have caught it. What an a-hole. Is he kidding us? He wouldn't have caught the ball? And he's waited 4 and a half years to say it? While letting the whole world blame Steve this whole time? What a bleeping son of a.......Man, that's lame. The part that gets me is he says it so non-chalantly, like people wouldn't make a big deal about it.

Moises Alou, you are hereby given jag-bag status.

"[He] earned it, and I feel proud for him. It's about time. The same way I throw my players under the bus, I will also say good things. Believe me, Brian made my job a little tougher for a couple of years. He forgets that there are still some people in Chicago that want to kill him.'' - Crazy Bones Guillen after Brian Anderson made the team

What's that sound? I think it's the sound of baseball season about to start. Nice.

[Editor's Note: The nickname 'Crazy Bones' comes courtesy of Ken Tremendous. I think it's brilliant, so I'm using it]

What a difference a couple of years makes. If you would have told me that I'd be reading something like this only 5 years after they lost nearly 700 games in 2003, I would have told you that the website was a fake.

By the way, that's a baseball article, so ignore it if you couldn't care less about baseball attendance. Or the Tigers.

Sometimes during the off-season of a particular sport, a sports columnist whose job it is to cover that sport will completely run out of things to write about. Usually when that happens, they'll just make up a bunk trade rumor. Other times they'll come up with a simplistic formula that determines which team has had the best off-season. Like Phil Rogers did on Monday.

I think it's safe to say that when a sports columnist is claiming to have developed a "simplistic" formula to determine something during the offseason, that should be our cue as readers to ignore that column entirely because it's going to be a complete waste of time. Unfortunately for me on Monday (and unfortunately for you now), I didn't heed that cue. Heed that cue? Who talks like that?

What is his formula for determining which team has had the best offseason? Well it goes a-little something like this: First we consider core players, or "hitters projected to be regulars and pitchers who either start or work the last two innings of games". That's our definition of a core player, what I put in quotes over there a sentence ago. We aren't concerned with how good a player is; just that they might play every day. Or in the case of a starting pitcher, every 5 days. Or in the case of a relief pitcher, who the hell knows? I don't think we're off to a good start here.

Next, we consider which teams added core players and which teams lost core players, then we do a little simple addition/subtraction. This next sentence will be our example, and I will be putting it in quotes because it's exactly how Phil stated it. "The Cubs excited their fans with the signing of Kosuke Fukudome, but that addition is offset by the departures of Jacque Jones, Cliff Floyd and Jason Kendall. That leaves the Cubs at minus-two at present." Never mind that Jacque Jones sucks. And Cliff Floyd is like 54 years old. And that Jason Kendall is maybe the worst catcher in all of baseball. Or that some people see Kosuke Fukudome as a potential all-star outfielder. Nope. Negative three plus one equals minus two. Cubs bad.

Phil goes on in his column by telling us which teams lead in his moronic system and which teams are behind. My favorite line is his last one that says "there's still time for teams to tilt these rankings. About 25 guys who can be considered core players remain unsigned." If the Cubs are smart, they'll sign each of them so they could be a plus-23. I should totally be a GM.

Did you really read this whole thing? Are you that bored? I know I am.

After my favorite baseball team finished last season by winning only 72 games (after winning 90 the year before and 99 the year before that), their General Manager Kenny Williams was quoted as saying things like "we plan on landing a Big Fish this off-season" and "2007 left a bad taste in my mouth" and "I hope Grady Sizemore is involved in a crippling car wreck some time before next April." At the time, I was on board with each of those statements as he was making them.

"Sweet, a crippling car wreck," I thought to myself. "If you can't beat 'em, break their legs."

But then Kenny missed out on his prized free agents. First came Torii Hunter (I was glad), then came a failed trade attempt for Miguel Cabrera in which Cabrera ended up on the division-rival Tigers (I was pissed), then came failed signings of Andruw Jones (pissed again) and Aaron Rowand (glad again). Needless to say, his goal of landing a "big fish" had failed miserably.

But then Thursday happened. If you hadn't heard (likely), or didn't care (more likely), the White Sox traded for outfielder Nick Swisher yesterday in exchange for 3 minor leaguers. Here's my grade of the trade (hey, grade of the trade...that rhymes): Obviously, they're gambling that this move, and perhaps a lesser move in the near future, will make them a playoff team in 2008. Perhaps that's a bit unrealistic, but fine. Their team will have 4 months to prove themselves one way or the other. If they prove that they're no better than a 3rd place team, then this trade just adds an asset that can be turned right back around and traded to another team who needs an OF with plus power and who gets on base 38% of the time, not to mention one who's cheap, young, and heading to a terrific hitters park. I don't see the harm in that. Where I do see the harm, however, is Kenny Williams' insistence that he's improving a team already headed to the playoffs. If he truly believes this, then as a White Sox fan, I'm quite concerned. Then again, I'd be even more concerned if my team's GM freely admitted that his team sucked.

So what's my final verdict? I give the trade a check plus. What does that mean? I don't know. What's an A? What's a B? Who cares? I like the trade. Now if only Grady can be involved in that car wreck like planned, Kenny's off-season plan will be a complete success.

[Editor's Note: Brian does not want Grady to be involved in a crippling car wreck. He'd settle for any kind of torn knee ligament regardless of how it's caused]

The World Series is here. Do you care yet? Will you ever care? Well I do so you're gonna have to put up with my baseball thoughts for the next few days. Or at least right now.

- I am looking forward to this series. I can't wait to see how the Red Sox do against Todd Helton's team.

- One thing that bothers me every year - we've beaten this "DH vs no DH" thing to death, but during interleague play and the World Series, the topic always pops back up again. For the American League teams, their DH is usually one of their best hitters. So how is it not putting them at an unfair disadvantage by taking away their DH in the games hosted by the NL team? What other sport has two different sets of rules between the two leagues? It would be like in the NBA when the Spurs make it to the finals again, the Eastern Conference decides that centers are no longer allowed to play so Tim Duncan would have to sit.

- Hmm, on second thought, that could work.

- I can't take much more of Dane Cook. What happened to that guy? Within three years or so, he has gone from being the comedian everybody loved to the guy everybody wants to punch square in the face.

- I don't like wind chimes. I guess they're supposed to have a soothing sound or something, but I find them to be pretty annoying.

- Hey, how'd that Random get in here?

- Game 7 is scheduled to be played on November 1st. In Boston. Right around the time when it's starting to get cold. Especially at night when the temperatures have been dropping into the 30's and 40's. That was pretty good thinking.

- I like when newspaper columnists and sportswriters are forced to give their predictions for how the series will turn out, and then they're forced to argue their pick. I don't want to get into a discussion about sample sizes and baseball odds, but the best team doesn't always win. Why have they not figured this out yet?

- My prediction - Red Sox in 5. And anyone who disagrees with me is obviously a moron.

If you're like me, you no longer have a rooting interest in Major League Baseball's 2007 season. You're still going to watch the remainder of the playoff games and you still love baseball, but you couldn't care less who wins because your favorite team has been eliminated.

If you're even more like me, this probably angers you. You want there to be a reason to watch these games aside from your love of baseball. You want to root for somebody. Anybody. You want to have a reason to continue putting up with commercials for "Frank TV" (whose George Bush impression is spot-on by the way). Well I think I may have one for you, and it's Indians pitcher Paul Byrd. Consider this article:

Two years ago, Byrd was pitching for the Angels when his younger son, Colby, 7, made an observation that left him reeling. Colby, as unimpressed with his father as only a son can be, told Byrd that if he was any good, he would be pitching for the Yankees.

"He would play this baseball video game and say, 'You know, dad, your stuff's not very good,''' Byrd recalled Tuesday in an interview with FOXSports.com. "He asked, 'Why are the Yankees always so good? Every video game we get, they've got the best team.' I explained to him that they spend a lot of money on players. If a player is really good, they try to trade for him. Usually, they have kind of an All-Star team. He kind of tucked that away in his memory," Byrd continued. "About two months later, I was signing autographs. He said, dead serious, 'Why would anyone want your autograph?' He said, 'You're not any good, you're just average.' I said, 'I've been pitching in the big leagues about 10 years. I've done this and that.' He said, 'Dad, if you were any good, the Yankees would have traded for you.'

Too funny. Paul Byrd may be just an average pitcher, but he's also got a son who is comedy gold. And for that, I now have a rooting interest in the ALCS. Go Byrd. Er, Go Indians!