1 Happy St

Entertainment Tonight is reporting that the FBI is investigating leads that there may have been a professional hit put out on the life of Kevin Federline, ex-husband of Britney Spears. The story also reported that "the FBI [has] made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger."

Topping the list of potential suspects that could want Federline dead: His dignity.

I saw Britney Spears’ performance at the VMA’s Sunday night. To call it a train wreck would be an insult to train wrecks. Have you ever been watching a movie where a couple of guys infiltrate a women’s aerobics class as a hideout from a big guy who is chasing after them, so they desperately try to fit in and look inconspicuous while trying to keep up with the instructor and the other women in the class?

Really? You haven't? I've seen that cliche'd scene in like 5 or 6 different movies.

Well anyway, Britney’s dance moves kind of looked like they were inspired by those guys.

Just a fantastic job.

It is being reported that our favorite former pop star has checked herself out of rehab, less than one day after checking herself in. So the plot thickens. I am setting the over/under at 5 days before she's back in the news for something crazy, and I have no worries about taking the under. I think the only thing to wager on at this point that isn't a suckers bet would be the reason she'll be back in the news. My prediction is a domestic dispute with K-Fed.

Any other predictions?

With her latest incident in which she shaved her head, Britney Spears has officially joined a select list of celebrities who can no longer do anything that would surprise me (like Mike Tyson, Dennis Rodman, Michael Jackson, O.J., etc). Think about it, if you were to read later today that she went on a killing rampage, would you be surprised? I wouldn’t. It would be tragic and horrible, but not surprising. In fact, I think it’s more surprising when a day goes by for that girl without incident. The scariest part about Britney though is that there’s nobody around to stop her, so this has the opportunity to go on until she’s arrested, injured, or even lying dead somewhere.

I’m reminded of a Chris Rock joke where he said something along the lines of "remember when we used to debate about who was less crazy, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!" Eight or nine years ago, we were having a debate about who would be the bigger star, Britney or Christina. How dated does that seem now? Yesterday night, Christina was looking great while performing at the NBA All-Star game halftime show. Britney was presumably staring at herself in the mirror, crying, and looking like Demi Moore in "GI Jane". Just awful.

[Editor's note: I apologize for the lack of originality in the title of this post. Your comments with a better title are welcomed]

Ok, so either those pictures of Britney's goodies were doctored, or she's got a crooked vagiene. Earlier this week, I got an email from a friend of mine with a link that said "you have to check this out". So I clicked the link, and there it was. Britney's crooked vagiene.

"No way this is real," I thought to myself. "I mean really, it's crooked."

But since then, I haven't heard any denials from Britney or her people. I've only heard from others commenting that they saw Britney's vagiene. So was that real? If so, I may have to burn my retina's.

- Did blowing on the inside of the Nintendo cartridge actually make it work, or did that do nothing at all?

- It’s a good thing the Cubs traded away those two pitching prospects last offseason for one year of service from Juan Pierre. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have been able to suffer through those ridiculous McDonald’s commercials all summer.

- Why am I never in Vegas at the same time Britney Spears decides she’s gonna go there and take off her pants at a club?

- Did you happen to catch Michael Richards on "Late Show with David Letterman" last night? I haven’t been that uncomfortable watching television since I saw "Monsters Ball".

- I watched "Comic Relief" on Friday night. Someone should tell Tom Arnold that Chris Farley and John Belushi died doing that.

- Someone should also tell Billy Crystal that getting multiple face-lifts won’t make him taller.

- I bought a pair of gym shoes at Meijer for $14 and they’re as comfortable as any pair of shoes I’ve ever owned. I think Nike may be a scam.