1 Happy St

Greg
what does "shawty wanna thugg" mean?
lil wayne's lollipop... good song. :)

Brian
it either means some girl wants TO thugg or some girl wants A thugg
not sure though

Yes, it gets the "getting old" tag.

Kids who were born the year that Bobby Thigpen set the single-season saves record are starting their freshman year of college.

I remember 1990 like it was 18 years ago. It was the first summer of my lifetime that the White Sox were actually good (Follow-up note: I didn't include 1983 because I don't remember 1983, but to be fair, they were good in 1983), which meant a lot to me at the time because I was 11 years old. To an 11 year old like me, baseball is the most important part of your life outside of alcohol, cigarettes, and women. So here was my favorite team, battling a much better Oakland A's team for 1st place all summer long.

I recall only a few story lines from that season - Barry Jones being among the league leaders in wins at the All-Star break even though he wasn't even a starter (I'm sure I'm not even remembering this correctly), Carlton Fisk being their best player even though he was in his 40's, a really big guy joining the team in August who would absolutely crush the ball for 2 months (Frank Thomas), it being the last season at old Comiskey, and Bobby Thigpen saving just about every game they won. I don't remember much about Ozzie; maybe he wasn't all that crazy yet. Oh, I also remember my Uncle Joe coming over to our house one day wearing a t-shirt that had a drawing of a kid wearing a White Sox hat pissing on a Cubs hat. It was the first time I had seen this brand of humor, so I remember it going over real well. What a great shirt. Ha ha, a White Sox fan pissing on a Cubs hat. Good comedy.

Where was I? Oh yeah, alcohol and cigarettes. No wait, feeling old. Yeah so Bobby Thigpen saved 57 games that year. It was kind of a big deal I think because this was still in 1990 when people hadn't yet realized how stupid the save statistic was (and is). So 57 became the record that still stands today. Why do I bring this up? Because it's finally about to be broken. Francisco Rodriguez of the Angels, who has the dumbest nickname in all of baseball, has 54 saves as I type this with almost of month of games left. Barring a freak incident like a 29 year old White Sox fan pulling a Gillooly on his knee, he should break it some time next week or the week after, at which point a piece of my childhood will die.

But I suppose I'll look at the bright side. Right now there's an 11 year old Angels fan who is enjoying one hell of a season from his favorite team, and maybe 18 years from now, someone will be breaking K-Rod's record (I told you his nickname was dumb. Nowhere in his name is there a "K". Stupid, right?), and that current 11 year old Angels fan can bitch about how he's getting old.

And I'll be enjoying my late 40's. Late 40's are cool.

Today is MLB's amateur draft. I made mention of it last year when I lamented (good word) that some of the players who would be selected were born in 1989. Then I came up with a list of things that these kids probably weren't familiar with:

- if a song from Van Halen or Bon Jovi came on the radio, they probably wouldn't know who it was. That's probably a good thing for them, so bad example.
- they don't remember when our current President's dad was the President. Another bad example? I can keep going.
- they've never paid for gas when it was under $2 per gallon.
- they only have faint memories of when Michael Jordan was a good basketball player.
- they've never gone to the movies and paid less than $8.
- they don't remember when Christopher Reeve was Superman, Michael Keaton was Batman, and we didn't have a Spiderman.
- they've probably never been to a baseball card show.
- they don't remember when Mike Tyson's Punchout had the best graphics of all time.

then Greg added "it's very sad but [my son] only knows Michael Jordan as the guy who played basketball in the Bugs Bunny movie"

then I added, "then again, there's probably an entire generation of people who find it sad that we only know of Muhammad Ali as that guy with Parkinson's." <---wow that was mean.

Well if some of last year's players were born in 1989, you know what that means, right? Holy shit - 1990. Some kid who was born in the friggin' 1990's will become a millionaire today. He was being born at the same time that C&C Music Factory was making me sweat. He was being born at the same time that I was being introduced to Frank Thomas. He was being born at the same time the neighbor kid Sean Anderson was introducing me to dirty magazines for the first time. Just kidding Mom. But not really. Why do you think I kept going over to his house? It wasn't because he was my friend.

But anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that we have reached the point where kids who were born in the 1990's will soon be joining the workforce. Are you ready for that?

This comes courtesy MSN Lifestyle. Brian's got less than a year to get this all out of his system...

1. Coin his own nickname.
2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.
3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.
4. Hacky sack.
5. Name his "unit" his name plus junior.
6. Hang art with tape.
7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.
8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"
9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"
10. Skip.
11. Take a camera to a nude beach.
12. Let his father do his taxes.
13. Tap on the glass.
14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"
15. Use the word collated on his resume.
16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.
17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.
18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.
19. Give shout-outs.
20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.
21. Hug amusement-park characters.
22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.
23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."
24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."
25. Request extra sprinkles.
26. Air drum.
27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.
28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.
29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.
30. Sleep on a bare mattress.
31. End a conversation with "later skater."
32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.
33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"
34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.
35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.
36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.
37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.
38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."
39. Whine.
40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."
41. Purchase fireworks.
42. Google the word vagina.
43. Ride a pony.
44. Sport an ironic mustache.
45. Hit 13 against a 6.
46. Organize a party bus.
47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.
48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.
49. Keg stands.
50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.
51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.
52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.
53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.
54. Read The Fountainhead.
55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.
56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."
57. Own a vanity plate.
58. Whippits.
59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

They also included a list of things no man should ever do past age 1. I think those of us with kids will appreciate this list more...

Get circumcised.
Spend more than ten minutes looking at a checkerboard pattern (exception: peyote users).
Look longingly at his mother's breasts.
Urinate in his mouth.
Be terrified of Mr. Noodle on Elmo's World.
Cry at the sight of a wooden spoon.
Eat pureed Wheat Thins.
Suck on the corner of a laptop.
Go willingly into the arms of strangers.
Lose neck control.
Have a favorite Higglytown Hero.
"Make nice."
Wear a unitard.
Read The Fountainhead.

So this morning, I was in the shower and I was standing there looking at the rack of shampoo and soap thinking, "I have no idea what I have left to do." I honestly couldn't remember if I had shampooed yet. It wasn't until the shampoo was in my hair that I realized that I had washed it once already.

My mind is definitely going. It's been happening a lot more lately. In fact, just the other day something similar happened when I just stood there in some room trying to remember what I was in there for. Or maybe I was outside? And that might have been today.

I think these may be the early warning signs for that one disease. What's it called? That guy that was president before the guy who's president now's dad was president had it, I think. I sure I hope I don't have that. That would suck not to be able to remember anything.

The Major League Baseball amateur draft is currently going on as I type this. You really have to be a big nerd to find it interesting since most of the names mentioned today will never be heard from again. Lucky for you, I am a big nerd, so I'm bringing it up right now. The main reason for bringing it up though is because I like to make everyone feel old. Nearly everything I do nowadays makes me feel old, and I like company. So consider this: Roughly half the kids who will be drafted today by a Major League Baseball team were born in 1989. Yup, 19-friggin-89. What exactly does that mean? Well I'll tell you. It means that:

- if a song from Van Halen or Bon Jovi came on the radio, they probably wouldn't know who it was. That's probably a good thing for them, so bad example.
- they don't remember when our current President's dad was the President. Another bad example? I can keep going.
- they've never paid for gas when it was under $2 per gallon.
- they only have faint memories of when Michael Jordan was a good basketball player.
- they've never gone to the movies and paid less than $8.
- they don't remember when Christopher Reeve was Superman, Michael Keaton was Batman, and we didn't have a Spiderman.
- they've probably never been to a baseball card show.
- they don't remember when Mike Tyson's Punchout had the best graphics of all time.

And finally, it means that there's a young kid who is 18 years old right now who will soon be signing his name to a contract that will pay him millions of dollars before he even puts on a uniform. Good gig if you can get it. I will now light myself on fire.

Most days as I make my drive into work in the morning, I'll drive past one of the neighbor kids Tony as he's walking to his bus stop. I'll always give a polite and neighborly wave as I pass, he'll do the same, and we'll continue on our way. But this morning I was a few minutes late so he was already waiting at his bus stop and surrounded by his friends. I waved to him, but instead of waving back, he quickly turned his head and looked straight down as if to tell me "please stop waving at me you uncool old guy". Can you believe that? I embarrassed an 11 year old because I waved to him. Is there any way I can blame Jill for this?

It is the time of year here at work where they help us review our 401k plans. They tried to advise me against it, but I told them I wanted to put all my money into egg baskets. I just have a really good feeling about Easter this year.

How come you never hear of anyone getting ear jobs? I think a lot more people have goofy looking ears than people that have hideous noses.

I have pictures of my kids, nieces, nephews, and some of my co-workers' kids up in my cubicle. To an outsider, it probably looks like I'm trying to give Evander Holyfield a run for his money.

I downloaded the original Super Mario Bros. for the Wii Virtual Console last night. I used to be able to finish the game in about 10 minutes but I can't believe how hard the game is now. That has to be sure sign that I'm getting old. (And yes, I know that the actual original Mario Bros. wasn't SUPER, but you know what I mean.)

I've been going to physical therapy for my bad back and neck. I was skeptical but I highly recommend it. Especially if you like being touched in uncomfortable ways by women who look like mail order brides. Apparently some of the qualifications to be a physical therapist are broken english, crooked teeth, hairy moles and Jordache jeans.

I am in three NCAA basketball tournament pools and I have no idea why. I watched exactly one college basketball game this year and that was only because someone gave me tickets. I didn't watch a single game on TV, nor did I pay attention to SportsCenter during the college basketball segments for one minute until last week. So why do I think I have any business guessing who's going to win?

My next door neighbor, who is by my estimation between 35-40 years old, was outside last night racing his remote control car around the neighborhood until about 10:00. I was very tempted to go out and tell him that he was too old to be playing with remote control cars but I didn't want to interrupt my game of Super Mario Bros.

I think its funny that people got together to name something as important as a mountain range and the best they could come up with was "Rocky Mountains". How remarkably unimaginative. Aren't all mountains rocky? Let's tell foreigners that they're named after someone named Rocky so we don't all look like idiots.

I just got done playing Madden 07 on the Wii and now my shoulder hurts. I think I have Wiipeditive Stress Injury.

If anyone makes it to the Brookfield Zoo anytime in the near future, can you pick me up a Mold-a-rama tiger sculpture? I can't seem to find the one I got in 6th grade. I did, however, find a purple melted wax blob in a box of my old stuff.

I think Just One Of The Guys would have been a better movie if while pretending to be a boy, Terry learned karate from an old Asian man and then fought Greg Tolan in a climactic championship karate tournament. It seems like they could have killed two birds with one stone there.

And speaking of Just One Of The Guys, does it strike anyone else as odd that in a movie about a girl pretending to be a guy that falls in love with her best friend who thinks she's a guy and then tells him she's a girl by flashing her breasts, that the most uncomfortable moment in the movie is when Rick talks about how big a fan he is of James Brown? Or is it just me?

Last night, I filled in as the male father figure for Kara, my 4-year-old niece. She had a party at her pre-school where all the "Dad's" were invited to hang out and get to know the teachers, play games, sing songs, and do all that other crazy things that Mom's find interesting but Dad's would rather kill themselves. I'm not speaking for myself here; I'm basing it on the looks on all the other Dad's faces. Okay so anyway, I found out that Kara is the alpha dog of the class. My sister was concerned that she was getting picked on because of some of the stories she came home with. Not accurate. In fact, it was the complete opposite; she was the bully. She was loud, a little mean, and the kids seemed to look to her for direction. Yes, I was proud.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Brian played games and sang songs with a bunch of 4 year olds?" The answer - yes I did. And there's video of this somewhere because I saw one of the teachers with a camera, meaning somewhere out there is a video of me dancing like a chicken and shaking a plastic egg with small rocks in it (for noise). If I get my hands on this video, you can be sure it will not make its way to youtube like my friend Eric from my wedding, but rather it will be destroyed and never seen or heard from again.

By the way, if you're not sure which youtube video of Eric I'm referring to, click here. He's the guy in the flaming leopard hat. And yes, we remind him of this video almost daily.

- I have never seen a commercial for Microsoft.

- Ever notice how MAC users hate Windows? The funny thing is PC users couldn’t care less about MAC. Is it because fans of Microsoft don’t know any better, or is it because fans of MAC have a complex? Maybe a little of both.

- What’s a shufflin’ crew?

- I’d like to shake the hand of the person who decided that the grill of a toaster needs to be wide enough to fit a bagel.

- The bottom button-hole on some of my shirts goes sideways instead of up and down. What’s that about?

- I think being a player, owner, or coach of an upcoming Super Bowl team is more dangerous to the skeletons in your closet than being a Presidential candidate.

- Underrated thing about single life that I miss: being able to eat Chef Boyardee ravioli for dinner.

- The best part about a home remodeling project is the moment you finish it. The worst part about a home remodeling project is the realization that you’re never finished.

- Rex Grossman is the most underrated quarterback in the NFL. Look at his stats compared to someone like Troy Aikman, then tell me I’m wrong.

- I was so busy at work yesterday that I went from the moment I got up until the moment before bed without using the bathroom. I think I may be Batman.

- Never offer someone a Dove ice cream bar if you really want to eat it yourself. There’s no way they’re turning it down.

Well I finally stopped making my 6 year old save up and just got him the Wii after all. We got it last night after a friend of my brother in law's former roommate pulled some strings for us. The Wii is in such hot demand that the cashier told me to be careful going back to the car so I didn't get robbed. I'm not kidding.

I can't give you a full Wii-view seeing as how I currently have only played for about 3 hours and I've only played Wii Sports, which came packaged with the system, and WarioWare Smooth Moves. But my first impression is that the Wii is going to ruin my life. It's incredibly addictive and unlike any video game experience I've ever had. I highly recommend it.

Wii Sports is a package of five games, tennis, golf, baseball, boxing and bowling. Each of those games requires you to move your controller as if you were actually playing the game. You swing your controller to hit the ball or your opponent and its remarkably life-like. I was especially impressed by bowling. You control the spin of the ball depending on the angle of the controller as you follow through. It was the first game I played with my son and we were both instantly hooked.

I can already tell that WarioWare Smooth Moves is going to be even more addictive. It is a series of mini-tasks that you must accomplish in a short amount of time. You have to have quick Wii-flexes to play this one.

Included in this Nintendo is a wireless connection so you can link up with your home wireless network. This was something Nintendo's previous system, the GameCube, sorely lacked. Not only will this allow you to play games against opponents online, but also will give you the opportunity to download games from other systems. Super Mario Bros. and Sonic the Hedgehog are among the titles currently available to download for a small fee.

Some of the other features included are a live up to date weather forecaster and an online news channel. The Opera internet browser is also available for free download allowing you to surf the web on your TV. I found surfing to be rather clunky on the Wii since its not too easy to type with the Wiimote but I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a Wii Keyboard available somewhere down the road.

I know some of you may be thinking that I'm too old for video games but I have to say that this system is going to bridge the age gap. My first thought when seeing how simple it is to maneuver a controller that reacts to your movements was that older generations are going to love this. My mom always moved the controller when she made Mario jump with the original Nintendo anyway and we always thought she was retarded. It turns out she was just ahead of her time.

-Whenever a ghost in a movie tries to grab an object, their hand always waves right through it. So why don’t they ever fall through the floor? You’d think movie ghosts would have to hang out in basements (courtesy of Jill).

-I don’t know how to pronounce the rapper Fabolous’s name. Do I pronounce it just like it’s written, or is it just a clever spelling? I’m also not sure if this makes me feel more old or more white.

-I want to hire a driver for my car and ask them to drive really slowly, then I’ll sit in the back seat and wave out the window like I’m in a parade. But I want to do this all the time.

-Weird Al is about to release a new album, 25 years after his debut. I can still recite most of the lyrics to “Eat It”. I’m not sure if this makes me feel more old or more white.

-Every week, the Monday Night Football crew goes to all that trouble of putting a microphone on a key player, but all we ever hear is "Wooo, I'm coming all day Baby, I'm coming all day" or "This is our house Baby, this is our house!" or the immortal "WOO! YEAH! WOO! WOO! YEAH!". So why do the Producers even bother anymore?

-My least favorite part about returning home from a long vacation is that very first time a hundred dollar bill seems like a lot of money again. It usually takes a couple days and it most likely happens at the grocery store.

-Paris Hilton was pulled over last night for “driving erratically”. It turns out that she was drunk (or at least over the legal driving limit), but I’d be willing to bet that she normally drives that way. So could her being pulled over be considered a form of profiling?

-I love Thursdays. But only because I’ve made it a habit to make Thursday night my “Dairy Queen Heath Bar Blizzard” night.

-Reason # 447 that I am officially getting old. I read somewhere that Heath Bar Blizzards from Dairy Queen are the #2 most popular Blizzard, but most of the sales come from people over 40.

-I don’t know what gets me more excited; a pitcher who gets a no-hitter, or his media session afterwards if he’s Venezuelan. I so happy.

-Seriously, why do they make us mix that sh##?

-My least favorite part of the last two Septembers has been when the White Sox lose a game, everyone says their season is over. Then the next day when they win, everyone starts anticipating the playoffs again. Sometimes I wish I were a Cubs fan.

-Jill and I were in discussion to have Lyle Lovett’s “Nobody Knows Me” as our wedding song, but then I remembered that this song was used in 90210 after Dylan’s girlfriend (the Noxzema girl) was killed, and we can’t have that.

........that it’s time to hit the gym when:
- The lady at the Dunkin Donuts sees you and says “the usual?”
- You need an oscillating fan for your desk at work.
- You’re too tired to actually go to the gym.
- You’re out of breath, but you weren’t running, carrying something heavy, or have asthma.
- You have to poke a new hole at the very tip of your belt.
- You had to move your driver’s seat back, but you didn’t get any taller.
- Your Hawaiian Honeymoon is approaching, and you know you’ll have to take your shirt off.
- That Wendy’s double-cheeseburger just wasn’t enough, so you went for the triple.
- You read that last one, but didn’t puke in your mouth a little bit.
- You got sunburned on the top of your stomach.

........that you’re getting old when:
- You’re watching the weather channel, but it’s not by accident.
- Your muscles are sore, but you didn’t do anything.
- You complain to people about how bad the traffic is on your way to work.
- You don’t go out on weeknights anymore (bonus here if it’s because your favorite show is on that night).
- You prefer talk radio, and turn the station whenever they take a break to play a song.
- You look forward to the weekend, but it’s because you need to get caught up on your yard work.
- You get mad when the neighborhood kids are still outside past 10.
- You get mad when someone calls you past 10.
- You get mad if you’re not in bed and it’s past 10.
- Your car has 4 doors “because it’s more practical”.
- Adam Sandler has a new movie out, but you’re not interested.
- You prefer matinee’s because it’s less noisy.
- You use a pool to relax.

I mentioned in a previous blog entry that I'd been having some tummy problems.

Just to update you on the situation, this Tuesday I will be undergoing what's called a lithrotripsy procedure to break up a kidney stone. Kidney stones are caused by a buildup of mineral deposits in the kidney. Most people get them at sometime in their life but they're usually small enough to pass without even needing medical attention.

My stone has built up to about the size of a pencil eraser and it's lodged somewhere in the tube between my kidney and my bladder. Basically that means that my right kidney doesn't really work right now.

The way this procedure was described to me was that they will be shooting soundwaves at the stone for about 45 minutes in the hopes that it will eventually break down. (It strikes me as odd that they are using the same procedure to cure my abdominal pain as was used to capture former Panamanian military General, Manuel Noriega.)

They hope to break the stone into several hundred tiny pieces of sand that will pass easilly through my urinary tract. The operative word there being "easilly".

William Shattner recently sold his kidney stone to GoldenPalace.com to rase $25,000 for charity. You may know that GoldenPalace.com is famous for it's collection of odd items as free publicity for the gambling website, including a grilled cheese sandwich with the likeness of the Virgin Mary, which they purchased on an online auction for $28,000.

I can't help but think that maybe I should just forego the procedure and try to pass the kidney stone whole, on the off chance that my kidney stone looks like the Virgin Mary.

• Update: Some of you have asked about the Manuel Noriega reference. You can click the link above for more info, but basically, back in the 80's, the former President of Panama was being persued by the U.S. on drug trafficking charges. We surrounded him in the Vatican embassy in Panama and one of the techniques to get him to surrender was blasting loud rock music. He eventually did surrender and is currently serving time in a federal prison in Florida. Sorry if that was too obscure.

Recently I turned 29. I didn't really expect 29 to be a major milestone. I mean, 30 is right around the corner so 29 was sort of a non-event for me. In fact, several times since my 29th birthday, I've actually had to remind myself that I was 29.

And since I've needed to be reminded how old I am, my body has taken up the cause. It seems as though several of my organs have thrown in the towel all together. I haven't seen this kind of retreat since the French were invaded by the Girl Scouts.

About 6 weeks ago, I began to have some pain in my tummy (yes, I said tummy but I have two small children so it's allowed). I hadn't eaten anything weird and I wasn't really sick. It was more like a cramp in my side. It wasn't a horrible pain but it was constant. Being a member of the male sub-species, I of course came to the conclusion that the prudent thing to do would be ignore it and hope it goes away. Sort of like the French did with the Nazi's.

I'm going to take this time to expand a little on why I don't like going to the doctor. You see, I've never actually had a doctor fix something. I will go into the doctor with some ailment... and it doesn't matter what it is... headaches, nagging cough, severe chest pains... and the doctor will never... I mean NEVER.... be able to figure out what is wrong with me. And it's not just that one doctor is a moron. Every doctor I go to is unable to diagnose what is causing whatever it is I'm there for. Apparently, my body is a medical mystery. Case in point... I had a cough over the winter. "Oh like 4-5 days of coughing?" you ask? No. I mean the entire winter. I literally coughed from October until February. (Now might be a good time to tell you what wonderful people I work with, since they didn't kill me after listening to me hacking up a lung all winter. Although I did notice that Angie and Molly have been wearing their headphones a lot more frequently.) So anyway, the doctor never did figure out why I was coughing. I was treated for asthma, bronchitis, kennel cough, you name it... until it eventually just went away on its own. So the point is, I have not had great experiences with doctors. Doctors are like the French. They talk fancy and condescending, and they always leave me wondering where my day went.

So here we are... 3 doctors visits, one blood test, one urinalysis, one ultrasound, and 6 weeks later... and the pain is worse and they still don't know what is wrong with me. They thought it was gallstones. It wasn't. It acts like an appendacitis but usually that doesn't linger around for 6 weeks. The medical commmunity is as perplexed as a guy named Pierre in a self-defense class.

This has left me with a lot of time to poke around the internet looking for answers. WebMD is my favorite. Even if you don't think you're sick, just go to WebMD.com. Not only are you are sick, but you're also dying. And there's nothing that can be done to save you. (To donate your organs, click here.) Just wave the white flag... just like the French do (which makes me wonder... On the French flag, why did they bother adding the red and blue parts?).

I go in tomorrow for a CT scan. I didn't even know I had a CT but apparently I do, and it needs to be scanned. It's all a waste of time though, since I already know that they won't find anything. I'll just have to ignore it and hope it goes away.... like I do with the French.