1 Happy St

Now comes word that lowering your cholesterol levels too much can increase your cancer risk.

Phew, it's a good thing I haven't gone and done that.

You know what I say? Eat what you want; you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Tonight I plan on eating a fantastically big chocolate cake all by myself. And you know why? Because there's an outside chance that one of these days, maybe a couple years down the road from now, there will be a study released that says eating ridulous amounts of chocolate cake is good for you. And then I'll sit back and be thankful that on July 24th, 2007, I stuffed my face with it.

Hopefully the scientists are already crackin' on that "Dairy Queen Heath Bar Blizzards with Chocolate Ice Cream are good for your heart" study.

The phrase "Organ grinder" makes me uncomfortable.

I like to go to the grocery store at around 7:00 in the morning and look for the mom wearing her bathrobe and shopping for poster boards and glue sticks for the project that their kid put off until the last minute. Your chances of seeing her increase at least 50% if it's the first day back to school after spring break.

I was born in February and I was always kind of pissed off that we got screwed out of at least 2 days. February is like January: The Sequel. Sequels suck. What did February ever do to piss off the rest of the months? Why can't we rotate which month gets shafted out of 2 days every year. Let's stick it to August for once! Frigging August!

I think people are making too big a deal out of the story of Alec Baldwin berating his 11 year old daughter. So he called her a "thoughtless little pig." Who are we to judge? Maybe that was his pet name for her, like "how's Daddy's thoughtless little pig?" or "Did my thoughtless little pig have a good day at school today?" or "Don't you realize that Running With Scissors' Total U.S. gross was $6.8 million, you thoughtless little pig?" Ok, maybe not.

Speaking of pigs, there was a new package of Hostess Donettes on my desk this morning. The package says there are 7 servings in the package. I don't know where they get that number because it only took me one serving to finish them.

As irony would have it, right after I typed that last one, I got an Outlook reminder to make a dentist appointment.

Have a great weekend everyone!

I have no will power whatsoever.

A co-worker just went around asking if anyone wanted anything from Coldstone Creamery. Those of you who don't have these ice cream establishments in your community should be thanking your lucky stars because Coldstone ice cream is pure evil in a cup.

I know this. I know that its fattening and probably a weeks worth of calories in a single serving but did I tell her 'no thanks'? No, I didn't.

I'm sitting here freezing my butt off because, like a moron, I decided to wear a short sleeve shirt today and its like 33 degrees out. I'm shivering. Did that dissuade me from having her pick me up some ice cream? No, it didn't.

I'm also noticing that when I eat ice cream or drink a lot of milk, I tend not to feel so good afterwards, but was that reason enough to pass up Coldstone? Hell no.

And it's not like I'm all that hungry either. I just got back from lunch! So what the hell is wrong with me? I'm lactose intolerant, freezing, and full and I just ordered a small cup of mint & brownie. Evil in a cup.

Maybe I should have ordered the medium.

- I have three pairs of jeans from Old Navy and all three of them are the exact same size, but only one of them fits me right. What's that about?

- You know you've completely wasted your Sunday when you find yourself watching a movie on HBO West after having watched the exact same movie on HBO East three hours earlier. Even worse if it's a pointless movie like "Drop Dead Fred" or something.

- How long do you think it's awkward for the executives of two formerly competing companies after they merge? And do you think it’s longer or shorter than the awkwardness of a family member getting back together with their ex after the whole family bad-mouthed them during the breakup?

- Kids today have no idea what they’re missing with no Saturday morning cartoons.

- I don’t think it’s a good omen for my diet that after I found out how many Weight Watchers points I’m allowed, my first thought was "Hey, that’s the same number of ice cream flavors that Baskin Robbins has."

- People who wear that hands-free cell phone accessory around their ear should also be required to wear a sign around their neck that says "Yes, I’m on the phone and no, I’m not a crazy person who talks to myself."

'Acute' doesn't sound like what it actually means.

I was at Subway today and there was a sign posted on the pop machine that said, "Subway is currently switching to another fountain drink to enhance your dining experience." I think the rule should be that if you describe any item on your menu with a form of measurement (i.e. 6 inch sub, foot long hot dog, Quarter Pounder, Old 96er), you forfeit any usage of the phrase 'dining experience'.

Now would probably be a good time to pick up Ron Artest for your Fantasy Life leagues. Buy low.

The family and I just got home from Disney World. While down there, I had the thought that it would have been really ironic if I had run into an old friend while waiting in line for It's a Small World. We didn't though.

Minnie is pretty hot in person. I liked the black tights and the mini skirt but she also wears a bow on her head to give her that mouse-next-door look.

I have never taken any Spanish, but after a week of riding the Monorail, I can now alert Hispanics to stand clear of moving doors if ever the need arises.

Today was Thin Mint delivery day. 1 sleeve down, 3 to go.

A distant relative of Jill’s died late last week, so there were some extended family members in town for the funeral over the weekend. Sunday night, my brother-in-law Tommy and I were put in charge of picking up dinner for the whole family, and to our less than enthusiastic endorsement, the dinner of choice was KFC. Admittedly, I have always been a fan of their food, especially the cole slaw. Good stuff. But I absolutely hate having to go there. It’s the dirtiest restaurant there is, the service is always slow, and there’s always at least one or two customers waiting in line with you that are sure to help you lose your appetite.

So Sunday night, Tommy takes me to the local KFC in town and wouldn’t you know it, it shares a space with A&W. It’s disgusting enough being at a KFC. But being at a KFC slash A&W is twice as bad. I saw one guy sitting at a table by himself with a bucket of chicken, a cheeseburger, some mashed potatoes, an order of fries, and what I can only assume was a large rootbeer float. It took everything in my power to not throw up from looking at him. So why does a place like this even exist? Why are we even given the option of choosing between fried chicken and triple cheeseburgers?

I’ve asked myself similar questions when I’ve seen Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins Ice Cream sharing establishments. Sure, it’s convenient when I get a craving for both a cream-filled pastry and some Rocky Road, but how often does that happen? You know what, don’t answer that.

- I could never have a cool name like Alexander the Great because I’m not all that great and "Brian the Eh" just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

- Speaking of Alexander the Great, do you think he still would have become famous if his parents would have named him Alexander the Good? Somehow I doubt it.

- I substituted dinner yesterday for a Dove ice cream bar, and I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about it. I’m all for maintaining good health, but what’s the point if your life sucks as a result?

- In the game where Bump Bailey crashes through the wall, Pop Fisher should have started Bump in RF and put Roy Hobbs in LF. He should have figured that Roy was his 2nd best player and it’s silly to sit your 2nd best player just because your best player plays the same position. Pop was right, he shoulda been a farmer.

- I think it’s unfair when People Magazine puts some actor’s wife that we don’t know up against an A-Lister like Beyonce or Reese on the "Who wore it better?" page. Like that vote could ever be unbiased. The poor wife has no chance.

- "I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m just here to be positive." If I’m ever put on the stand and forced to defend myself in court, I’m totally using this.

- I just realized last week that I’ve been filling out my checking deposit slips incorrectly for like 10 years. Nobody ever told me.

- Is it possible that the QB from Ohio State was simply trying to imitate Shane Falco’s famed Sugar Bowl game? Is it possible that anyone will get this reference?

- I think the glue on the back of a Post-It should be stronger.

- We try to get clever by buying the banana’s when they’re still green, but who are we kidding? One or two of them are still going to rot.

And since I have nothing left to add, I will leave you with this: Check baby check baby one two three four, check baby check baby one two three, check baby check baby one two, check baby check baby one. It's Teddy, ready with the one-two checker, Wreckx-N-Effect is in effect but I'm the wrecker. Thankfully, that's all I remember. But hopefully, it's enough to get it stuck in your head. Oh, and by the way, all I wanna do is do my zoom zoom zoom and a poom-poom!

This year at your New Years party, make sure that you're the guy to shout out "FIVE MORE MINUTES!!!!", but instead, do it like every 20 minutes from the time you get there. It'll get good laughs in the beginning, but by the 3rd or 4th time, someone will want to strangle you. Trust me, it'll be the highest of high comedy, at least for you. Okay, onto the Randoms:

- I read Roger Ebert’s original review of “The Brown Bunny” like 3 years ago. So why have I still not seen it yet?

- It doesn’t get much better than hot and spicy Cheese-It’s, Fruit Punch Gatorade, a salami, cheese, and ham sandwich, or a Tivo’d episode of The Office, unless of course all of these things are happening at once.

- As if opening a DVD case wasn’t hard enough, now they started making them with those two little plastic clamps on the top and bottom. What’s that all about?

- There’s so many words that break the “I before E except after C” rule, so why were we even taught it? That’s just “weird”.

- 2006 has come and gone without me ever getting really excited for an upcoming movie. Basically what I’m saying is Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell better get crackin’, and it better not be for Ricky Bobby 2.

- I’m always extra cautious on the drive home from the grocery store if eggs are involved. But really, how much does an egg cost? Like a nickel?

- It defeats the purpose of locking your front door at night if you’re going to accidentally leave your keys in it.

- I hate the guy at work who says “how can you eat there?” when I bring my lunch back to my desk. Like I really need someone to point out that I shouldn’t be eating Taco Bell.

Happy New Year Everyone!

- I desperately want to like the new show on TBS called "My Boys". But why do they have to force-feed us that heavy sports-related dialogue? Does anybody talk like that? Okay, we get it, she’s a girl and she likes sports!

- I’ll continue to watch it though as long as Jim Gaffigan is involved. But it’s not a good omen if this is the only reason I continue coming back. Thoughts on the show anyone?

- If there’s a better feeling than putting on a brand new pair of socks, I urge you to come up with one. Okay not really, but you know what I mean.

- There’s 5 stages to being an SNL fan: first, you’re too young to watch it, but you’ve heard things. Second, you fall asleep mid-way through it. Third, you watch the whole thing. Fourth, you miss all of it because you’re not home. And fifth, you fall asleep midway through it again. Sadly, I’ve reached the 5th stage.

- Every time I see the Dunkin Donuts marketing slogan "America runs on Dunkin", I kinda get sick to my stomach a little bit.

- The week following Christmas is always kind of lame. But it’s even worse if you know your New Years plans suck.

- We’re at the point now where cell phones can do everything EXCEPT make phone calls. "Well it gets a crappy signal, but look, it turns into a fishing pole!"

-Paris Hilton was pulled over last night for “driving erratically”. It turns out that she was drunk (or at least over the legal driving limit), but I’d be willing to bet that she normally drives that way. So could her being pulled over be considered a form of profiling?

-I love Thursdays. But only because I’ve made it a habit to make Thursday night my “Dairy Queen Heath Bar Blizzard” night.

-Reason # 447 that I am officially getting old. I read somewhere that Heath Bar Blizzards from Dairy Queen are the #2 most popular Blizzard, but most of the sales come from people over 40.

-I don’t know what gets me more excited; a pitcher who gets a no-hitter, or his media session afterwards if he’s Venezuelan. I so happy.

-Seriously, why do they make us mix that sh##?

-My least favorite part of the last two Septembers has been when the White Sox lose a game, everyone says their season is over. Then the next day when they win, everyone starts anticipating the playoffs again. Sometimes I wish I were a Cubs fan.

-Jill and I were in discussion to have Lyle Lovett’s “Nobody Knows Me” as our wedding song, but then I remembered that this song was used in 90210 after Dylan’s girlfriend (the Noxzema girl) was killed, and we can’t have that.

-When did VH1 turn into the E! channel?

-“Entourage” is one of my favorite shows, yet it still manages to disappoint me every week. I am thankful that they didn’t go too far with the “Dom” character though.

-I wonder if Mark Buehrle wishes that Ozzie Guillen would have selected Liriano for the All-Star team instead of him. Now he gets two whole days of reporters dissecting his 9-5 record and mediocre ERA.

-Speaking of baseball, do you think the Mariners signed Carl Everett because there are some White Sox minor leaguers that they’re interested in, but they didn’t know how else to get them?
-The button on the cuff of my favorite shirt fell off. I’m not the type that can roll my sleeves Miami Vice-style, so I guess I’ll have to throw it away. Otherwise a perfectly good shirt, it’s strange that something so small could ruin it.

-Do you think Tommy John is upset that his legacy in baseball is for radical arm surgery? The man won 288 friggin games! And yes, I had to look that up. But wow! 288 games! To put that in perspective, coming into this season, Pedro had won 197.

-Was that whole “shirt button” thing covered in a Seinfeld episode once? It sounds familiar. Can something be plagiarism if you didn’t know you copied the idea?

-As a White Sox fan, I couldn’t be happier that there isn’t a White Sox version of “Fever Pitch”. Watching Drew Barrymore run circles around Aaron Rowand to avoid US Cellular Field security in centerfield during a playoff game would have been enough for me to kill myself.

-To be fair, I actually liked most of that movie. But how could the producers think the last 20 minutes were a good idea?

-For my health's sake, I'm lucky that I only recently discovered Dairy Queen's Heath Bar blizzard.

-I just went pee for the first time in like a full day. I was expecting full flowage for a good couple minutes. But it turned out to be just normal.

-What does the inside of a water tower look like? Is it filled with water like a tall pool? Am I a moron for not knowing this?