1 Happy St

"Our defense is designed to stop one aspect of the opposing team's offense while ignoring the other. If we stop the run, the QB will look like Steve Young. If we stop the pass, the RB will look like Walter Payton. It's a system that has worked in the past and we're sticking with it."

- A fake quote by Lovie Smith designed to look real by making its message factually accurate

I think they need a new plan.

One of the most mindless arguments I've ever found myself on the unpopular side of is my opinion that the Chicago Bears of today would kick the crap out of the Chicago Bears of 1985.

Yeah I have said those words out loud to Bears fans who were around in 1985 and remember that season vividly. And I was ridiculed for it. Perhaps justifiably.

In 1985, the Bears went 18-1 (including the playoffs and Super Bowl) and are generally regarded as one of the best football teams of all time. The Bears of today have lost 3 out of 7 games so far and have a defense that had no problem giving up 41 points on Sunday to a team that starts Gus Frerotte at QB.

So how could I possibly think that the Bears of today would beat the Bears of 1985? It's simple, really. And pretty mindless. But let me try.

Let's start with the defensive line. In 1985, they had a mixture of Steve McMichael, William Perry, and Dan Hampton on the inside with Richard Dent and I think Tyrone Keys on the outside. That's one hell of a defensive line. Today, they generally use 4 guys with Tommie Harris and Dusty Dvoracek on the inside and Alex Brown and Adawale Ogunleye on the ends. Not quite as good, right? But look at their sizes. In 1985, William Perry's listed weight was 315 pounds, which made him the only guy on the team to top 300. It even earned him the nickname "the refrigerator". Tommie Harris is currently listed at 305, but nobody is about to give him a nickname like that. And do you know why? It's because he is one of TWELVE guys on his team who weigh over 300 pounds. They're all bigger and faster now. Do you think those defensive linemen from 1985 could get pressure on Kyle Orton when they'd be going up against Roberto Garza at 6'2"/310, Josh Beekman at 6'2"/310, John St. Clair at 6'5"/315, John Tait at 6'6"/312, and Olin Kreutz at 6'2"/292? I really don't think so.

Let me do the same thing with the middle linebackers. In 1985, Mike Singletary played middle linebacker at 6'0", 230 pounds. Today, Brian Urlacher plays the same position at 6'4", 258 pounds. Oh, and he can also run the 40 yard dash in 4.5 seconds*. Was there anybody in the league who was both Brian's size and who could run that kind of 40 yard dash back in 1985? No there wasn't.

My point is that at just about every position, athletes today are bigger, stronger, and faster. So while the 1985 Bears were miles ahead of their closest competition in 1985, they'd get pushed around pretty good in 2008.

Of course you could make the argument that if players back then were offered the same training programs from an early age that players get today, then this would be no contest. But isn't it fun to start a subjective argument that nobody can prove and one that gets people mad for no real reason? Yes. Yes it is.

I told you it was pretty mindless.

*EDIT: I should have put "he used to be able to run a 4.5 in the 40". It's clear that he's lost a step or nine this season. Poor Brian. It was fun while it lasted though.

Here is NFL scout Kevin Seifert's take on the Chicago Bears' passing game this year. Just as a reminder, the Bears are going with Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman as choices 1 and 1A again this year. I'd make a joke there, but I don't think I'm funny enough.

There is an old saying about NFL personnel competitions: If you think you have two starters, you probably don't have one. Both Grossman and Orton have been benched during their careers with the Bears -- Grossman as recently as 2007. He threw 27 interceptions in his past 24 games, and his gunslinger mentality hurt the Bears as much as it helped them. Grossman followed several strong-armed throws with interceptions thrown into double coverage, while Orton appeared crisp on one play, but would launch a wobbly duck toward the sideline on the next.

Never fear though. After all, the Bears offense is one that "gets off the bus running", whatever that means. So if they're a running football team, surely their RB's should be good. Let's see what Kevin Seifert's take on the Chicago Bears' three running backs is this year (Matt Forte, the bad Adrian Peterson, and Kevin Jones).

Forte has a gliding style that makes him hard to tackle, even though at 6-foot-2 he appears to run dangerously upright. Veteran Adrian Peterson opened training camp working with the first team, but it seems only a matter of time before Forte takes over that role. Veteran Kevin Jones, signed earlier this month, is on the physically unable to perform list (knee) and might not be ready to play when the regular season begins.

I must admit, they've got me pumped.

- Marty Brennaman is a jackass. His hyperbole doesn't impress me.

- The Blue Jays released DH Frank Thomas on Sunday. Today there's a poll question on the Chicago Sun-Times' on-line site that asks its readers: "Should the Sox pursue Frank Thomas?" The 2 options they give are: "Yes, he can still hit" and "No, he has a bad attitude." Uh, what about "No, they already have Jim Thome, who is also a DH and is better than Frank Thomas"? How am I smarter when it comes to sports than a major newspaper's sports department?

- By the way, May 25th is Frank Thomas bobblehead day in Toronto. That should be fun.

- Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher says the team offered him a one-year extension through 2012, believed to include at least $5 million up front and an extra $1 million added to each year remaining on his current deal. But he wants at least a two-year extension with more money up front. In other words, he has no bargaining power whatsoever and the Bears could call his bluff and tell him to go away without giving him anything, but he's still holding out. Way to be a role model to your teammates there Big Guy. By the way, would the Pillsbury Dough Boy be considered a good roll model? Get it? 'Cause he models rolls? Hey make fun of it if you'd like, but you're gonna try to use it.

- If the baseball season ended today, the White Sox and the Cubs would both make the playoffs for the first time since 1906. Also, the playoffs would be held in April for the first time ever.

It's been a while since I've posted some bloglets. Let's see if I still remember how to do this...

Knowing that boys (and grown men for that matter) are so amused by poop references, why would they decide to put the word "Duty" in the Cub Scout Promise?

I don't care who knows it. After getting 3 fillings yesterday, I'm a raving anti-dentite! I'm still in pain. And she didn't even have newer magazines.

I've come to the conclusion that I choose fast food restaurants based on whether or not they serve Pepsi products. As far as I'm concerned, all fast food is going to make me feel like I ate road kill so I might as well have my favorite beverage to wash it all down.

Are there bipolar bears? "GRrr!!! I'm going to eat your face off! Oh look, a picnic basket!"

Ok, I'll admit it. That joke was a borderline.

Boxer briefs are like the bi-sexuals of the underwear world (would that be the underworld?). They can't decide what they want to be and frankly you wish they'd just pick one and go with it.

There's no excuse for violence against women... unless they are tickling you.

We'll call this situation 'Chicago Bears 2006 redux':

Co-Worker A: "I'm glad they won, but I still don't feel comfortable watching Rex heave the ball downfield for an interception 5 times a game."

Co-Worker B: "It's Lovie Smith and Michael Angelo's fault for continuing to tell Rex that the job is his even though he doesn't deserve it."

Co-Worker A: "You mean Gary Angelo. Michaelangelo is a painter."

Co-Worker C: "Actually, his name is Jerry, not Gary."

Co-Worker B: "Well whatever his name is, it's his fault."

Brian (sitting quietly but thinking to himself): "My brain hurts."

As much as it pains me to write post-game final thoughts of that busted game on Sunday, I’d be somewhat of a hypocrite if I ignored it after all the pre-game nonsense that I put up on this site. So here goes:

- Watching the Super Bowl at a bar is good for atmosphere, but you definitely miss part of the broadcast. I can’t tell you one thing about the commercials or the broadcasters because I couldn’t hear them. Maybe that’s a good thing.

- I couldn’t hear what was going on during that pre-game show, but it looked like the choreographer was trying to recreate something from Mardi Gras. Didn’t they realize the Bears won that game 2 weeks ago?

- The basic premise of the Cover-2 defense is to bend but don’t break. You give up small, but prevent big. Pretty simple. But if your best player on defense is your middle linebacker and the opposing offense is avoiding him by continuing to go small, shouldn’t you adjust? Why continue to give up 5 or 6 yards per play the whole game? If you’re gonna lose, at least lose because your best players didn’t play well. Don’t make it because your best players weren’t involved.

- Dominick Rhodes is going to get paid for that performance. But I have no doubt that the worst back in the league could have done the same thing under the same circumstances.

- I wish Peyton Manning was the quarterback for MY favorite team. It’s almost unfair being able to root for a team whose quarterback is so much better than everyone else’s.

- Every game, the Bears will run a pass play 2 or 3 times where Rex drops back one step, then lofts the ball straight up for grabs to one of his receivers. On the year, it had a zero percent success rate with the occasional INT. Let’s hope they remove that play going into next season.

- What is that play even called in the playbook? "The Rex interception flag, on one, ready BREAK"

- Nothing is worse for a good buzz than watching your team trying to come back late in the game, but Rex Grossman is your quarterback. I think my hiccups started as soon as the ball left his hands for that final INT.

- I think that’s enough about Rex. After all is said and done, could we really have expected more than that? I don’t think so. He’s an easy target, but they didn’t lose because of him.

- The worst feeling in the world: coming home and remembering that you Tivo'd all the pre-game and post-game festivities. It's great to have if your team wins, but it's a horrible reminder if your team doesn't.

- A look on the bright side: we were spared countless "Grin and Bear it" newspaper headlines.

- A look on the not-so-bright side: you have to put up with crappy headlines like the one I used for this post.

- I asked a co-worker of mine on Friday what he would rather have; his favorite team not make it to the Super Bowl, or his favorite team lose in the Super Bowl. We both chose the latter. I have officially changed my mind. Monday sucked.

- I just noticed that both of the head coaches of the two Super Bowl teams are black. I wonder if that’s ever happened before.

- Peyton Manning looks like the Super Jock field goal kicker. It’s possible that you have no idea what I mean by that, but if you do, you’ll find that very funny.

- The Colts are favored I guess because they are one of the highest scoring teams in the league. Then again so are the Bears, so that can’t really be the reason. Maybe they’re favored because they think Super Jock can win the game all by himself.

- I think it would be funny to be in Miami right now, just so I could see the looks on the faces of all the skinny tan locals as their city becomes over-run by the fat and pale football fans from Indianapolis and Chicago.

- Reporter: "Brian, you just won the SB. What are you gonna do now?"
- Urlacher: "I’m going to Disney Land!"
- Reporter: "What about you Tank?"
- Tank: "I’m going back to Gurnee, IL where I’ll be on continued house arrest!"

- I’m a Bears fan, but potential for that quote is the real reason I hope they win.

- Back on January 2nd, I put in a request for the day off on Monday, February 5th. I have a feeling there’s going to be countless people in the office on Monday morning wishing they had done the same thing.

- I just looked it up; Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy are still black.

- I read that some Bears fans are buying tickets to Soldier Field to watch the game on their Jumbotron. Anybody that pays money to sit outside in 6 degree weather to watch an empty field has to be some kind of moron.

- This will be my final posting until next week. Until then, Go Bears!

- That American Idol guy is pretty good.

- I bet if I repeatedly punch the grill on the front of a Dodge truck, I could dent it.

- Watching Reggie Bush dance in the endzone after his touchdown, I couldn’t help but wish that some drunken fan would throw something at him from the stands. Then someone did and I was happy again.

- I have a fun drinking game for you to try if Joe Buck is announcing the game. You have to drink every time he says the word "clearly" as in "clearly his knee was down before the ball came out" or "he clearly got both feet down before falling out of bounds". Guaranteed to get you drunk by the 2nd quarter.

- I make fun of Joe Buck and clearly he annoys me, but in all honesty, I recognize it’s a bigger game whenever he’s involved, and I would have felt cheated yesterday if he wasn’t there. Sometimes I just wish Fox would remember that they’re broadcasting a sporting event and not filming a dramatic movie. Clearly.

- I can't see a "D-Fense" sign in the stands anymore without laughing hysterically. Then I have to explain why I'm laughing to people who don't know. So Alex's wife, I'm sorry.

- I’d hate to be one of those photographers whose job it is to take pictures of the winning coach as he runs to mid-field to shake hands with the losing coach. It seems like that guy is always a few seconds away from being trampled, especially since he has to hold his camera above his head while running backwards.

- I can't believe it took the Coors Light people until now to use the Jim Mora "playoffs" press conference. That's the one I would have started with. Also, they could have done a lot better with the Mike Ditka version. I can think of 2 or 3 press conference clips of Mike Ditka off the top of my head that are better than the one's they're using.

- Knowing what I know about the end of Sunday’s game, I’m now setting the over/under at 5 for the number of text messages I get in 2 weeks if the Bears win again, and I feel extremely confident taking the over.

- Don’t you hate the guy who scribbles his name in his square so badly that you can’t read it? I hate not knowing who won.

- Speaking of squares, I was told to "root for the Bears, not for the squares". While I’m glad the Bears won, it would have been even better if I was collecting money today.

- We got our Rexy back, yeah! Those motha-Colts won’t know how to act, yeah!

- Sorry ‘bout that. Go Bears!

Bears RB Thomas Jones celebrates with Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith.

By now, you all know the story. Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was arrested late last week after his home was raided by police. During the raid, the local police found illegal weapons, loaded and ready, lying around his house. This of course came less than a year after he was arrested for essentially the same thing, and for which he is currently still on parole for. Two days later, his “bodyguard”, who was in his home at the time of the raid and was charged with felony marijuana possession, was shot dead in a nightclub in Chicago in which Tank Johnson was also present.

Did I get that right? Yeah, I think so.

My immediate opinion after I heard that his bodyguard had been killed was that the Bears should distance themselves as far away as possible from a guy like Tank Johnson after incidents like these. He obviously has some problems that he’s choosing not to deal with, and he’s certainly not helping the Bears in the “role model for kids” department. However, after thinking about it some more, I’ve had a change of heart.

Do I really care if local kids are negatively affected by this guy being on the team? No, I don’t. I can sit here and tell you that it’s a shame and kids look up to him and he’s bad for the city, but that’s all crap. All I really care about is the Bears winning the Super Bowl. And if Tank Johnson is the best player they have at his position, then so be it.

Go Tank!

- I had this prediction last Thursday: Rex Grossman is going to throw for 200+ yards and at least 2 TD passes on Monday night while the Bears win 27-13. Okay, so I didn’t get the score right, but I was right on with Rex, and did you notice it was 28-13 late in the 3rd quarter? Damn I’m good.

- I wish my older brother would have made himself famous on SNL, then in the movies, and then overdosed on cocaine. Because then I could be a no-talent ass-clown who would ride his coattails for 30 years, have my own TV show called "According to Brian", and I would get myself invited into the MNF broadcast booth during a Bears game and make every Chicagoan watching the game cringe whenever I spoke.

- Question from Jill after a Rams defensive back got whistled for pass interference in the 3rd quarter: "Shouldn’t the defensive player WANT to have pass interference?"

- You can make fun of me all you want for continuing to watch football games with Jill, but I thought that was smarter than anything Joe Theismann said all night.

- It’s true, pass interference is a dumb penalty. Imagine explaining it to a kid who’s learning football for the first time. "Okay, your job as the cornerback is to interfere with the pass. But make sure you don’t get called for pass interference." You have to hand it to Jill, that question was almost brilliant.

- I love it when Joe Theismann predicts what the penalty will be by saying things like "this is gonna be holding on the Rams", then it turns out to be something like illegal contact by the Bears, but then nobody in the booth calls him out for being wrong. Stop making penalty predictions Joe!

- Why didn’t anyone mention that the Rams center couldn’t get the ball to Bulger when he was in the shotgun? Every snap was at Bulger's feet, but it wasn’t mentioned once. These new MNF announcers need a lot of work.

- I saw a commercial for athlete’s foot medicine. I think they should come up with a new name for it rather than athlete’s foot. Athlete’s foot sounds good. I want to have athlete’s foot. It would sure beat Fred Flintstone foot or pigeon foot.

- If you would have asked me before the season started which players on the Bears I would least want to lose to injury, I would have said Brian Urlacher one, Tommie Harris two, and Mike Brown three. But even now that two and three are gone, I still feel okay knowing that one is still around. There’s nobody better than that guy.

- I’m not jealous of people who live in warm-weather climates. Today, I sit here with buff arms from shoveling thousands of pounds of snow while they’re all fat and flabby from sitting on their front porches drinking beer. So there.

- Quote from Bears coach Lovie Smith: "The reality is we're 10-2. We just won the division with Rex [Grossman] at quarterback, so that's what I go on." Okay, so I’m confused: does he realize they did the same thing with Kyle Orton last year?

- I’d be satisfied if I never again have to see the Volkswagen Jetta commercial with that horrific collision at the end.

- Speaking of commercials, do you think the guy in the "this is our coffee break" portion of the Chevy ad got fired for sleeping on the job?

- People talk about computers today the same way they talked about cars in the 1960’s and 70’s. "Man, this thing is fast. It’s got 2 processing cores with a 2.0 GHz processor speed per core, we’re talking about some #### muscle."

- Maybe Rex Grossman had the Vikings defense on his fantasy team. You ever think of that?

- Any time you can keep a one-loss team out of the championship game because they lost to the top-ranked team by 3 on the top-ranked team’s home field, you gotta do it.

- I would have thought that the person who invented the plug-in candle was an idiot. But it turns out they’re a genius.

- If I put "annoying and unfunny" on my resume’, would the producers of The View be interested in me as a potential co-host?

- I saw Ben Wallace up close and in person on Saturday night. He looks like Dennis Rodman on offense and Eddy Curry on defense. This is going to end badly.

- Every couple weeks, my bed gets a new pillow. But I never lose one of the old one’s. How long can this continue?

I hate that moment at the end of a long flight when you have to put your seat back to normal. Sitting straight up and down like that always makes me wonder how I sat like that in the beginning.

What’s the difference between a fell swoop and just a regular swoop?

I can't wait for the Bears to put Griese in at quarterback so that he can suck badly for 2 games, then everyone can make their pleas for the return of Grossman.

What would be more newsworthy? Hearing that Snoop Dogg got arrested, or hearing that Snoop Dogg didn’t get arrested?

Was I the only person who was hoping that Scott Skiles would have a headband on while coaching the Bulls last night?

Things they don’t tell you before you get married: Having two families is nice, but it also means you have to eat twice as much during the holidays.

- I don’t know anything about country music. But if What’s-her-name’s reaction at the CMA’s starts a feud between a couple of hot blondes, I’m all for it.

- You know you’re married when one of you utters the words "can you set the alarm for tomorrow, I want to get a jump start on raking those leaves."

- Another sign that you’re married: you find yourself walking the halls of Home Depot, but it’s 9am on a Sunday.

- Why do the folks that make cheese-in-a-can advertise that their product is "made with real cheese"? What else could it be made with? You know what? Never mind. I don’t want to know.

- Now that Reese kicked Ryan to the curb, and Britney gave Fed-Ex his walking papers, I think the next celebrity breakup will be Patrick Dempsey and his wife. Nobody goes from Ronald Miller to Dr. McDreamy without a considerable upgrade in the spouse category. If Mrs. Dempsey were smart, she’d maintain permanent residence at his trailer.

- I can't wait for the Bears to lose next weekend so that they can be overrated again.

- I’ve been harsh on the E! Channel for its awful programming, but I finally stumbled onto something that they got right. Putting the Carter’s on television may be the best idea since HBO canceled Arliss. I don’t care that most of it looks staged. That family is still nuts.

- Does anyone know what extra virgin olive oil does? Every recipe calls for it, but would I be asking for trouble if I just used regular virgin olive oil?

- All of the other reindeer used to laugh at poor Rudolph and never let him play any of their games. All it took was Santa asking Rudolph to guide his sleigh, then all of the other reindeer quickly changed their minds and started to love him. Sounds kinda shady to me. If I was Rudolph, I would have told all the other reindeer to go piss off.

- Anyone who names their son "Damien" or their dog "Cujo" is just asking for trouble.

- I saw "Borat" on Friday night. If you’re looking to laugh hysterically for 90 minutes, you’re a guy, and nothing offends you, do yourself a favor and see it immediately. If you’re not looking to laugh hysterically, you’re a woman, or are offended easily, avoid this movie at all costs. Oh, and if you’re a drunken frat boy in an RV and you pick up a foreign hitchhiker, do yourself a favor and don’t speak.

- I really can’t blame Kenny Rogers for making up that nonsense about not knowing what was on his hand last night. If I pooped on my hand, I wouldn’t tell people about it either.

- I can’t wait for the Redskins to give Lance Briggs a max deal this off-season, even though he is currently playing in a system that makes it nearly impossible for an outside linebacker to not have inflated tackling stats.

- Then again, this may be my way as a Bears fan to downplay the fact that the Bears will be without one of their Pro Bowlers on defense next year.

- I saw "Jarhead" on HBO over the weekend. An entertaining movie, but I can’t recommend it because there was no warning beforehand of the over-the-top use of Jake Gyllenhaal’s man-butt.

- Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem with Jake’s man-butt. But at least give me a warning beforehand so I can prepare for it.

- I’m willing to jump on board that rhythm is a dancer, but you will never convince me that it’s also my soul’s companion. I mean c’mon.

- I love it when a media guy says that a certain athlete "needs to shut up and play". Isn’t the athlete just answering a question from a different media guy?

- Yes, that was me two random’s ago referencing an awful early-90’s dance song. That was also me using the word "random" as a noun. Or was that a pronoun?

- I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel with a guy named "Obama" as President. It’s just too close. Couldn’t he change his last name to "Miller" or something?