1 Happy St

The post about The Legend inspired the following IM conversation with Donald:
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Donald: do you still have the "Get On" story
Brian: which one is that?
Brian: oh I remember
Brian: I have it, but it doesn't translate well to written word
Donald: that's true
Donald: what about when the gate of the tollbooth went down and it broke over his head
Brian: I don't remember that one
Donald: i'm surprised, he sued the St of IL and won
Donald: i think he defended himself
Brian: please type it up and I'll add it
Donald: he also grew up with Katie Holmes. She was a tomboy then and shy, but still cool to hang out with
Donald: Katie grew up in Toledo, OH
Donald: side note to the KG story: He said he played and beat the young lengthy Garnett when KG was a freshman.
Donald: This brought about Erick to scream, "He didn't come here till his Senior Year"
Donald: This led to him claiming he beat him in a pick up game where all the future stars play
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If Donald types up the tollbooth story, I promise to add it. It seems pretty self-explanatory though. I wish I would have been there for that one. It sounds golden. Also, the "get on" story is pretty lame. It was something like him being on his motorcycle outside of a club and a hot girl (of course) came up to him out of nowhere and said "I like your bike" and he said "thanks" and she said "wanna take me for a ride?" and he said "get on". Then he pointed to the back of his bike, she hopped on, and they took off. That kind of story doesn't even happen in porno movies, does it? Or maybe it does, what the hell do I know?

Well anyway, I hope you enjoyed The Legend as much as I did today.

Do you have any files stored away in a folder on your computer somewhere that you haven't looked at in a while? I recently came across one such file on my work computer. It was a Word doc from back in the day (mostly from 2001 to 2003). Around that time, I sat next to a guy at work who was about my age who we all termed as "The Legend" behind his back. Any story someone would tell, The Legend had one similar and just a little bit better. Sometimes it was a hell of a lot better. To this day, I'm convinced that Kristen Wiig stole her "one-upper" character from this guy. One of my habits when he'd be in the middle of one of his stories would be to open up a Word doc and type what he was saying word-for-word. Then I'd date it and save it. The document itself came to be known as "The Legend in his own Mind" and it has some pretty brilliant material in it. Unfortunately, The Legend left the company in the fall of 2003, so that's where his stories stopped. But thanks to the word doc, his memory will forever live on. So I give to you now a taste of The Legend. Remember, everything posted here were his actual stories. Some of them have comments from me [in italics] to clarify the context for you. I'll leave you with one final disclaimer: When we knew him, he was in his mid to late 20's, he was no taller than 5'8" or so, and he was probably about 150 lbs. You'll see why this is important when you read some of these. Enjoy.

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I was asked from a buddy of mine if I wanted to play in the XFL. (12/29/00)

I make $80,000 per year working for a dance company. (01/04/01 - keep in mind that there's no way he made that much working for our company, which he worked for full time. So that begged the question, why the need for 2 jobs?)

I was the star of the football team in High School. I had Division 1 scholarship offers but I hurt my knee. (01/24/01)

When I was a senior in high school, I weighed 195 lbs with 6% body fat. (05/16/01)

I was running 10’s in the quarter mile in my Honda CRX. (06/08/01)

Dude, I once pulled a 2000 lb popup camper cross-country with my Ford Probe. (2/17/02 - this was in response to me telling him that I needed to buy a bigger car to be able to pull the boat that I had just purchased. In case you're wondering, I ended up trading in a Sebring for a Durango. I never did get much use out of that boat though)

When I was in high school, I did a triathalon. (02/19/02)

I know Jenny McCarthy. She used to hang out with us. She and I dated for a while. (02/21/02)

I met and hung out with the cast of Real World Chicago. I hooked up with Kara and didn’t know she was with the Real World until the next morning when I walked out of her bedroom in my boxers and there was a camera in my face. I had to sign a waiver to agree to be on TV. (02/21/02 - fuckin' brilliant)

When I worked at the airport, one of the pilots would take us up and let us sky dive whenever we wanted to for free. (03/11/02)

I have a house on a lake. (03/14/02. When asked why he doesn’t live there, he said it’s because he rents it out. Fair enough. I mean if I owned a house on a lake, I would totally rent it out and spend all my time living in a townhouse in bloody Schaumburg, IL)

My uncle filled in for members of KISS. (04/01/02)

I went to 12 proms my senior year. (04/02/02)

I used to work for a company and was in charge of putting in hardwood floors, tile, and grout. (04/05/02)

I painted my street to the exact specifications of the motorcycle test. (04/11/02, and my favorite. He's basically saying that out in front of his house, ON A PUBLIC STREET, he was out there with a can of spray paint and putting down lines in order to be able to practice on his motorcycle for the dreaded motorcycle test. Even now, I'm not sure why he would even lie about this. It's so ridiculous, yet so brilliant)

On Wednesday, I got into an argument with a guy in a car while on my motorcycle. I stopped in the middle of traffic and punched my fist through his window. I didn’t know the window would break. I hopped back on my bike and took off. (04/19/02)

I met a guy at [the mall] who has a $13,000 Ducati. He let me ride it and I was going so fast that I had to drag my knees on the ground when I turned. (04/25/02)

I worked at U. S. Cellular for two years. (05/03/02)

The dance company I work for went to a Russian bar on Friday. It was a 6 to 1 ratio women to men. All the ladies were topless. We left! (05/06/02)

I was a boxer for 3 years. (05/13/02)

I jumped into the ocean from a helicopter four stories high with fins on. My uncle who was in the Navy made me do it. (06/07/02)

I’ve been on a jet helicopter. (06/07/02)

I can trace every male in my family that has been in the military for eight generations. (06/07/02)

I played basketball with Kevin Garnett at the YMCA a few years ago. He was tall, but he wasn’t that good. (08/24/02 - no words)

Dude, I would know; I used to be a personal trainer. (08/29/02 - how many jobs can one person have who's been a part of the work force for only 5 years or so? Apparently the number is 10.)

I successfully defended myself in court. I cross examined the police officer. After I was finished the whole courtroom clapped. This is the third time I’ve done this. (09/19/02)

The night before court I was waiting for girl in a bar. In 40 minutes I single handedly drank 5 pitchers of beer and three shots!! (09/20/02)

I slept in a tent in my boxers when it was 22 degrees. (09/20/02 - not worth this list, and I can't remember the context. I wish I would have included a comment on this one. What could we possibly have been talking about where it would have been appropriate for him to lie about this? I have no idea)

I was racing with my friends at night going to a motorcycle meet in Lake Geneva. I was riding so fast that I got tunnel vision. Before I knew it I was 10 miles past were I was supposed to be. (10/14/02)

I went to apply for a security position in a sports store. The hiring manager took my application and said he would get back with me. I stole about $3,000 worth of sport goods and put them in my truck. I went back to the store and spoke with the hiring manager. I asked him to come to my truck and I showed him all the goods. He asked me how I got it and I said “Hire me and I’ll show you!!” (10/18/02, and my 2nd favorite. This one almost takes the place as my favorite, but it happened after the motorcycle test lie, so it's hard for me to move it to #1)

I went to Ft. Lauderdale for spring break. I didn't get a room on purpose because I stayed with a different girl every night I was there!!" (02/13/03 - believe it or not, there's a good chance that this wasn't a lie. But for whatever reason in February of 2003, I decided that it was good enough to be put on this list. Maybe it's because it would seem to be an outlandish tale for anyone except The Legend)

When I was 18 years old I bought a Corvette. I only had it for three months. (08/13/03 - this one was only funny because a minute earlier, another co-worker of ours was mentioning that he had just bought a Corvette. The Legend was now claiming to have owned one despite the fact that nobody had ever heard of this before)

When I worked at O’Hare setting up cones on the runway, I stood on the runway as a plane landed. It lifted me up and carried me 100 ft into a fence. I couldn’t breath. (09/24/03 – you may remember this from a scene in the movie “Pushing Tin”. Yep, a group of people around the office were discussing this scene when The Legend chimed in with “yeah I’ve done that before”)

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And that's that. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. And I hope The Legend is out there somewhere today, coming up with ridiculous shenanigans for his current co-workers. That possibility makes me smile.

From AOL Fanhouse:

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It's going to be an embarrassing day at the office for people who get their news from the Christian web site One News Now. The water cooler conversation about sports is going to get awkward when they say, "Did you see the record set by Tyson Homosexual?"

Yes, One News Now, which describes itself as providing "your latest news from a Christian perspective," calls the Olympic sprinter Tyson Gay "Tyson Homosexual."

Jim Buzinski of Outsports explains that the site has set a filter to change the word "gay" to "homosexual," and they don't bother to look at the context of the story before applying the filter. And that's how Gay became Homosexual.

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I will never stop reading crap on the Internet for fear that I'll miss a good story like this one.

This guy's protest doesn't make much sense to me. He drove onto the lawn of a convention center, hopped out of his car, doused the car with gasoline and lit it on fire. By the time the fire was put out, his car was no more. His reason? He's tired of rising gas prices and could no longer afford to drive the car. Okay I guess it's a statement, even if it is a dumb one.

But pay attention to the last line of the article: As in many countries, gasoline prices have risen steadily in Germany; a liter of regular gasoline now costs about euro1.55, or $9.40 per gallon.

That just pisses me off. I hate when these news organizations try to translate the cost of gasoline for foreign countries but convert the exchange rate first. That completely skews it. 1 gallon of gas is equal to about 3.785 liters. So doing the math, that's $5.87/gallon. But what these news organizations do is they account for the exchange rate first. And because the euro dominates the dollar in terms of worth, the $5.87 figure jumps up to $9.40. It's a load of crap though because a guy in Germany isn't using an American dollar to buy his gas. He's using euros. That he earned at his job THAT PAYS EUROS!!!!!

I'm trying to think of an equivalent here....okay I got it [I think]. It would be like me complaining that I paid $250,000 for my house when my friend from [a poor state] bought a similar house for $40,000. Of course I wouldn't mention that the best jobs in the state where my friend lives only pays a fraction of the salary that my state does.

Hogwash.

So remember this tactic the next time you see a story that says Americans still have it good with gas prices.

[NOTE: This entire post was just an excuse to use the word "hogwash"]

I received the following out-of-office from co-worker Jenny McDouche:

I will be out of the office on Friday, 06/27/08 and returning Monday, 06/30/08. If you need immediate assistance please contact Amanda Sucksatjob at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

So I emailed Amanda Sucksatjob, and this is what I got:

I will be out of the office 6/27/2008 returning on 06/30/08. If you need immediate assistance please call Jenny McDouche at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Brilliant.

The Meijer store down the street from my work has a gas station attached to it. Whenever I buy gas there, I'm always greeted by a voice that talks to me from the pump's speaker that says "Thank you for choosing Meijer". I had never paid much attention to it before, but today was different.

Just as I was about to pump my gas, the voice said to me "Thank you for choosing Meijer, Sir."

What the fuck?

Sir? How did it know I was a guy?

"You're welcome," I responded quietly. Then I started to look around to see if anybody was pointing and laughing at me, like "hey, check out the guy on that show where we record people getting harrassed and frustrated for America's enjoyment". But nobody was pointing or laughing at me.

"Wait, are you a real person?" I asked the fuel pump.

"Yes," the fuel pump answered.

Holy crap. All this time, the "thank you for choosing Meijer" guy was a real freaking guy, whose job it is apparently to say "thank you for choosing Meijer" to hundreds of people a day. Unreal.

He was probably getting pissed that people were never answering him.

This is a new one.

The Tigers have placed utility man Brandon Inge on the disabled list retroactive to June 23rd with a pulled oblique muscle...Inge said he aggravated the injury moving a pillow for his three-year-old Monday night.

Uh huh. Personally I would have gone with the "I fell into a blanket of feathers" excuse.

Hey that reminds me of a stupid joke: What happened to the guy who jumped 100 feet into a bottle of root beer? Nothing, it was a soft drink.

This blog sucks. Even the title was lame. Got anything to talk about?

[h/t TBL on the Inge story]

From start to finish, this may be my favorite story of all time.

We all know about the sub-prime mortgage crises. I've talked about it on this blog and I'm borderline retarded, so I have no doubt that you've probably read something about it from someone who's smart. But have you read anything about the possibility of a prime mortgage crises? Because I haven't. And even though nobody is talking about it, I see no way that we're not headed in that direction.

Think about it - everyone was taking advantage of the housing boom 5 years ago. People who normally couldn't afford a mortgage were getting approved with ARM's and we've already seen the fallout from that. But what about the people who were approved for prime mortgages who were buying outside their means? What about them? I'm talking about the young 30-something couples who combined make $100,000 to $200,000/year but were getting approved for $800,000 mortgage loans. With the market crash, there's no way their houses are worth what they paid for them 5 years ago, so what happens if they lose their jobs? Who is going to pay for their $3000/month mortgages? Is the government prepared for that kind of bailout? Because it seems to me that a bailout of the prime mortgages will be a lot more expensive than a bailout of the subprime. And if that happens, we're all bleeped.

Just sayin'.

[Sorry Jeremy; I'll get back to being 1 Happy Street tomorrow]

- Do you know what the point is behind electronic paper towel dispensers in a public restroom? If it's a convenience thing so that I don't have to touch stuff, shouldn't there be an electronic bathroom door opener too then?

- I like when people ask to be called something not even close to their real name. There's this guy who works for my company whose name is Melvin, but he asks to be called Rick. I know he's not going by his middle name since it starts with W. I'm thinking he does it so that people who don't know him won't be able to find him in the company directory. He probably gets out of so much work doing that. Then again, if your name was Melvin, you'd probably want to be called something else too.

- How many times can someone be humbled before they give up and realize that they've always sucked?

- I've been wearing abercrombie cologne recently. You wouldn't believe how many people have come up to me and said "hey are you wearing abercrombie?" Or maybe you would believe it. The point is, this is something I could never do. Recognizing cologne smells? What the bleep?

- On my vacation, I landscaped my front yard. Apparently landscaping and gardening brings people together. I think the whole neighborhood came and introduced themselves to me. One lady told me that she was wondering what I was going to do with the dried bushes in my front yard. I was like, oh great, we were THAT house (signs we're getting old courtesy of Maegan).

- Jamie Lee Curtis freaks me out. If I have digestive issues, is yogurt really fixing that shit? Get it? Fixing that shit? I love puns.

- Why you comin' home, at five in the morn, something's goin' on, can I smell yo dick?

- Yeah, those lyrics still speak to me.

- On that note, remember that you can't be late for work if you simply don't show up.

Various Artists would be a good band name.

I'm guessing that if you're name is Morrie, you really hate Tuesdays now.

I have a bum leg. I bought it off him for a shopping cart full of aluminum cans.

For a food with only 0-.3% feline content, they probably could have come up with a better name for the KitKat.

I got Rock Band for Wii two days ago. I stayed home sick yesterday. Those two events are not related. I promise.

I'm against sexist stereotypes as much as the next guy.

There is no more secure job in the world than the geneticist that won a grant to create flying pigs. Think about it.

Every time I hear that song by Riskay (okay, I've heard it maybe twice), I can't help but think that she's singing to me. It's just a song that hits home, ya know?

Why you comin' home, at five in the morn, something's goin' on, can I smell yo dick? Don't play me like a fool, 'cause that ain't cool. So what you need to do is let me smell YO dick. It's 4 o' clock and I'm sleepin', it's late night and you creepin', you coulda' told me "I'm leavin'", now I know you're out there cheatin'. Why you comin' home, at five in the morn, something's goin' on, can I smell yo dick? Don't play me like a fool, 'cause that ain't cool. So what you need to do is let me smell YO dick.

Tell me those words don't resonate with you. You're lying. They do. I know when I creep, Jill will be waitin' up for me and she'll be all "Fool, come over here and let me smell yo dick" and I'll be all like "bitch don't be frontin'" and she'll be all "whatevah" and I'll be all "go back to sleep". And back and forth we go.

So thank you Riskay for writing my song.

Jill is a Cubs fan and I am a White Sox fan. If I was rude, I could attribute that to Jill being a moron and me being smart. But you see, I'm not rude. Regardless, that's the tag she gives me for being a White Sox fan. She feels that in order for me to be "typical", I have to be rude in defeat and rude in victory. Like that's our makeup as White Sox fans or something. I feel that she's painting with too broad a brush. We're not all rude.

This is the time where Cubs fans mention that I may not be rude, but I'm still probably a mullet-sporting, wife-beating, 1st base coach-attacking, white trash loser. I disagree. I shaved my mullet over a year ago.

So the Cubs swept the White Sox over the weekend. Everything is right with the world. The Cubs are going to win the World Series and the White Sox will fold and die like the scum that they are. I get it. But I want Jill to know that I was gracious in defeat and I would have been gracious in victory. I wouldn't have taken any joy in her suffering had our roles been reversed (okay maybe a little). And yet it was an unnamed Cubs fan (I think Jim) who taped pictures of broomsticks to my monitor so that I would have something to greet me as I made it into work.

Who's being rude now?

My favorite George Carlin line: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

There's a new guy in my office whose name is Robert. His email signature says "Robert (Bob)". I'm not sure why I'm telling you this; I just think it's funny. I'm not calling him either of those though. From this day forward, he is officially Bobert.

Hilarious rundown of the MLB franchises here.

Here are the Sox and Cubs for our Chicago readers.

Chicago Cubs - Derrick Zoolander -
You lovable loser you. You're devastatingly handsome, you get the hot chicks, and have yet to even unleash "Blue Steel". But, you always seem to mispronounce "Eugoogly" and embarrass yourself.



Chicago White Sox - Lucy Van Pelt -
Jealous that most people love your neighbor more than you, you claw and scratch your way to the top, only to find resentment and the fact that regardless of your accomplishments or failures, Charlie Brown will always be the favorite Peanuts character.

Found here.

Pierre: "Hey Billy, have you seen my crack?"
Billy: "Have you checked your crack?"
Pierre: "Oh right, I remember. My crack is in my crack."
Billy: "You so crazy Pierre."

h/t EM

If you do a search of the word "judgment" on this blog, you'll find it in 5 different posts (all by me). If you do a search of the word "judgement" on this blog, you'll find it in 1 post (by Greg). What can we learn from this? That one of us is spelling it wrong.

Or are we?

The last time I used the word was May 27th and I remember at the time wondering if I was spelling it correctly. So I looked it up and the weird thing was that the dictionary seemed to say that either spelling was okay. What the [bleep]? It seems I'm not the only person confused by this. Consider Joe Posnanski's blog from today:

It’s crazy to think that nobody wants to just make a call on how to spell the word “judgement” (or, if you prefer, “judgment”). Dictionaries seem to be in agreement … either spelling is fine, you can spell it either with the E or without the E, they don’t really care. See, that bothers me — if a DICTIONARY won’t make a call, who will? What is happening in our society? Some say that the British version is “judgement” while the American is “judgment,” which is equally annoying … we should be able to come to some sort of NATO agreement on this, no? Well, frankly, we have to make a call here. It’s a clear-cut choice. We spell the word “engagement” with an E. So from this day forth … the only correct way to spell judgement is, well, judgement. Thank you.

Agreed.

An 18-year-old man stole $17.50 from a group of kids selling lemonade. One of the kids chased the man down into a home and waited there until the police arrived. An hour later, the man surrendered and was arrested. He was charged with felony burglary.

A few thoughts here:

1. Isn't it weird to read 18-year-old MAN? I remember when I was 18. I was no man. Neither is this guy. Stealing lemonade money from kids disqualifies you.

2. FELONY burglary? Stealing less than $20 from a group of kids is a felony? Holy crap!

3. The kid who chased this "man" is a badass. But a badass whose parents probably need to tell her that what she did was foolish.

Horrible news. Chicago's least favorite douchebag sports columnist Jay Mariotti has re-signed to continue being Chicago's least favorite douchebag sports columnist through May of 2011. I'll let the Chicago Sun-Times' editor-in chief Michael Cooke explain it:

"Chicago is a die-hard sports town, and Jay is a focal point of our strong, award-winning team that produces simply the best sports news in print and online anywhere. We are excited to continue working with Jay, and for him to continue to pull no punches when it comes to his exceptional sports commentary."

That all sounds like B.S. management-speak. So I'll translate what I think Michael really meant: "Chicago is a die-hard sports town, and Jay is a douchebag that gets people upset for no reason whatsoever when it comes to Chicago's sports teams. I don't think he even likes sports. I mean how could he? He only writes about how much he hates stuff. The plus side for me and the management within the Sun-Times though is that people from Chicago can't help themselves and continue clicking on his online columns and continue buying our newspaper to specifically read him. We don't know why they do it, but they do. So as long as this joker is going to continue making us profitable, we're going to continue letting him print his bullshit. Hey if you don't like it, stop clicking on his name you crackhead."

That sounds about right.

How was your evening? Mine was okay. Oh, except for when I got whacked in the head with a huge piece of wood.....

I was on my hands and knees.....wait, let me start over.

I was digging in my backyard with a small shovel in order to bury some block to level my pool deck. I had a 8' 4x4 post resting against the side of the deck, but forgot about it. So as I was digging, it fell over and hit me square in the noggin.

One ER visit and 8 stitches later, that's the picture.

Which pun should I use to describe the scene and end this blog?

I was just trying to get ahead in life.
No.

It certainly wasn't a time to lose one's head.
No again. And I think Austin Powers used that one, so that'd be cheating.

My night was great; it had me in bloody stitches.
Yeah, that's the one.

Oh, and check out the label I get to use: funny headlines. Get it? Funny Head Lines?

Hey, I got a concussion 12 hours ago. Leave me alone.

Are you unsure if you're insane and about to overdose on drugs and your own vomit? Take some time to fill out this short survey to determine whether or not you are insane and about to overdose on drugs and your own vomit.

1. Are you Amy Winehouse?
Yes (2 points)
Not sure (1 point)
No (0 points)

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Results:
1-2 points - Yes, you're insane and about to o.d. on drugs and your own vomit.
0 points - Inconclusive.

Guy A: "What are you watching?"
Guy B: "The video feed of the U.S. Open."
Guy A: "Tiger won it like 5 minutes ago."
Guy B: "What are you talking about? They're in sudden death."
Guy A: "They WERE in sudden death. Tiger won it already."
Guy B: "You fucking kidding me?"

/Proof that the video stream was slow as molasses.

One more golf-related question and then I'll put this topic to bed: Why can’t fans in the gallery make noises during a golfer's backswing? Poor Milton Bradley has to play the outfield while people pelt him with batteries, but little Tiger Woods can’t handle a camera click?

Maybe Tiger should spend a day in Milton Bradley's shoes before we start calling him the greatest athlete ever. Or Rex Grossman's shoes. Or Alex Rodriguez's shoes. Or Goody Two's shoes. Or Bozo's shoes. Or Barry Bonds' shoes. Or blip blop shoes. Or I quit.

Molasses.

I just wanted to reuse the molasses tag.

If you're trying to describe the slow speed of something and you compare it to molasses, you need to work on your simile's. That's just a poor effort, using molasses. Does anybody even know what molasses is anymore? No, because we use honey. Or brown sugar. Molasses. Bah!

By the way, this video stream of the U.S. Open is slow as.........

Okay molasses.

Another by the way: why does someone in the gallery yell "GET IN THE HOLE" every time a golfer takes a shot no matter where it's from?

Announcer: "Well Roger, we're 517 yards from the green on this par 5. Tiger with his first shot from the tee."

[WHACK!!!!]

"GET IN THE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Morons.

Are you unsure if you're gay? Take some time to fill out this short survey to determine whether or not you are gay.

1. Are you gay?

• Yes (2 points)
• Not sure (1 point)
• No (0 points)

I told you about it last year. I told you about it the year before. So I have to tell you again this year, right? Saturday was my annual Father's Day golf outing.

A little background in case you forgot. I've always been awful at golf. I've been so bad in the past that most of the time I wouldn't even keep score; I would just ride around in the cart drinking beer while occasionally getting out to hit the ball. I've made no secret of this. But admittedly, I've been getting better. I have newer clubs [and they're good one's], new shoes, and hats for my bats to keep bats warm [gracias]. And the last few times out, I've done okay*.

*Granted, okay for you might be in the 90's. Okay for me is 120.

I didn't do okay this time though. Far from it in fact. This year I went up against 59 other people. The golf course was pretty badass. Each cart had a computerized flatscreen television that allowed us to enter in our score after each hole. If you were in a large group [which we were], you could keep track of everyone else. A leaderboard if you will. Pretty cool, right? Well yeah, if you're good. But who wants electronic proof being broadcast to everyone on the course of how badly they suck? Because that was me. After each hole, I had to enter my 7 or 8 [or 10] into the computer, and then it would tell me how many shots over par I was, as well as my current standing amongst the 60 players. Needless to say, I was never better than 59th and I ended up in 60th with a 133. I don't know why I tell you these things 'cause that's a bloody embarrassment. But oh well. I'm not shy.

My brother-in-law Tommy finished in 59th with a 132. Do you believe that? 1 friggin stroke. Although I think I have to call shenanigans because I saw him take a 9 on the 16th hole and I could have sworn he got a 10.

That liar.

Not to be the guy who craps on the good story [okay, I love to be the guy who craps on the good story], but did you notice that Tiger Woods only grimaced yesterday when he shanked the ball into the rough? Every time he hit a good shot, his knee somehow gave him no pain.

The White Sox have lost 5 of 6. I think today is the day when Crazy Bones kills someone.

Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Wang injured his foot in yesterday's game. Can you guess which of the following lines related to that injury were found in articles by the AP, NY Post, NY Times?
A. An injured Wang doesn't bode well
B. They need a healthy Wang if they're going to make it to October
C. The other guys will have to step it up in the absense of Wang
D. You have a superior Wang
E. All of the above

Yep, the answer is E. Nicely done.

Actually, I made up A, B, and C.

And D was from Boogie Nights.

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the day that Bull Durham was released. A lot of people will put Bull Durham on their list of favorite sports movies (or at least favorite baseball movies). Those same people will cite this line by Kevin Costner as one of its classics: Well, I believe in the soul, the bleep, the bleep, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. After that line, Susan Surandon gets a little weak in the knees and she falls in love with him. Okay fair enough. Who wouldn't fall in love with Kevin Costner after he said that? But I ask you: is there any way someone could ever give an impomptu speech like that without it being rehearsed? I don't think so. He totally used that speech once before. Or read it somewhere, liked it, and memorized it. Which means that Susan Surandon fell in love with a lie. That always bothered me about that movie.

You wanna know the best part though? Next time you catch that movie on cable, you'll think of me when Kevin Costner starts his little spiel.

I just got a friend request on Facebook from someone with whom I attended grade school. In my few years in school with this person, I talked to him exactly zero times. I'm not exagerating. Zero times. I know this to be fact because of the following reasons...

A. He did not speak English.
B. See A.

Gotta love Facebook.