1 Happy St

1. Jimmy Dugan
2. Apollo 13
3. Gump
4. The Terminal
5. Carl Hanratty
6. Busom Buddy
7. Joe Versus The Volcano
8. The Green Mile
9. Woody
10. Sam Baldwin
11. The Polar Express
12. Joe Fox
13. Road to Perdition
14. Ladykiller
15. Walter Fielding
16. Turner & Hooch
17. Punchline
18. Private Ryan
19. Big
20. And last but not least… That Thing You Do!

How many times do you think someone had to try to give someone else a cup of tea before the response actually became a common colloquialism?

My delusions of grandeur are worse than anyone else's.

I worry about insomnia, but I try not to let it keep me up nights.

I have lot of feelings toward people that are vague.

I can remember a time time long ago when I was really into nostalgia.

When I was in school, I plagiarized an article on copyright law.

I'll bet you $100 I can overcome my addiction to gambling.

I just know that everyone is talking behind my back about how paranoid I am.

I had a friend that was schizophrenic... 2 friends, actually.

I'm leaving for NY City here shortly. So in my absence*, Greg will be taking over the blogging duties around here until some time next week. And by "taking over the blogging duties", I mean "ignoring this place like the plague". He works in mysterious ways.

* That's one of those words that I constantly spell wrong. I think it should be "absense". Doesn't that make more sence? That's my two sents anyway.

But before I go, I'd like to share with you a list of some of the things I hope to do while in NY:

1. Go to Coney Island to eat a hot dog.
2. Steal the change from the cup of a homeless man.
3. Root for the Royals while at Yankee Stadium.
4. Find Mike Lupica and punch him in the throat.
5. Avoid the police after punching Mike Lupica in the throat.
6. Meet up with my pen pal at the top of the Empire State Building.
7. Swim in the east river (I have back problems).
8. Buy a pack of gum from Rupert G.
9. Befriend a homeless lady who feeds the birds in Central Park.
10. Take a lame touristy picture in front of a closed-down Studio 54.
11. Take a lame touristy and risque picture behind the bull on Wallstreet.
12. Check out the WTC progress.
13. Call my co-workers in the middle of the day to brag that I'm not at work.
14. Buy a fake Prada purse for Jill. I'm thinking a Proda or Pradda.
15. Buy an "I heart NY" t-shirt and get it signed by a celebrity.

I'm sure I won't have time for all of those, but some time next week I'll fill you in on what I did.

Until then..........

I have a policy of never speaking in ancient languages, like Greek or Aramaic or Latin, et cetera.

I don't think I'm a racist, but I really don't understand the Blue Man Group.

I took an online quiz to see if I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I took it 6 times to be sure it was accurate.

Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Vanilla Ice are all washed up. I think we can blame global warming.

That reminds me of the time I saw Tone Loc at Disney World. I yelled, "Hey, it's Ice-T! Oh no. It's just Tone Loc." Yes, I said "just Tone Loc". And yes, he heard me. And yes, I'm white.

If you do a search of the word "judgment" on this blog, you'll find it in 5 different posts (all by me). If you do a search of the word "judgement" on this blog, you'll find it in 1 post (by Greg). What can we learn from this? That one of us is spelling it wrong.

Or are we?

The last time I used the word was May 27th and I remember at the time wondering if I was spelling it correctly. So I looked it up and the weird thing was that the dictionary seemed to say that either spelling was okay. What the [bleep]? It seems I'm not the only person confused by this. Consider Joe Posnanski's blog from today:

It’s crazy to think that nobody wants to just make a call on how to spell the word “judgement” (or, if you prefer, “judgment”). Dictionaries seem to be in agreement … either spelling is fine, you can spell it either with the E or without the E, they don’t really care. See, that bothers me — if a DICTIONARY won’t make a call, who will? What is happening in our society? Some say that the British version is “judgement” while the American is “judgment,” which is equally annoying … we should be able to come to some sort of NATO agreement on this, no? Well, frankly, we have to make a call here. It’s a clear-cut choice. We spell the word “engagement” with an E. So from this day forth … the only correct way to spell judgement is, well, judgement. Thank you.

Agreed.

Never tell someone on the way to the free clinic to "think positive."

I only like white rice. Does that make me a ricist?

I wish my name was something more memorable..... like 'Amnesia'.

Or maybe I'll just change my last name to 'Something'.

"What's his name again?
"Greg ...something."
"Yeah, that's it!"

The number 1 pencil in the world is the number 2 pencil. That's confusing.

And why do they ever put anything other than pink erasers on a pencil? No other color eraser ever works. In fact, some other erasers are pretty much just like crayons, so instead of erasing the error, you've only highlighted it with orange or blue "eraser" markings.

Cheerios are shaped like O's. Froot Loops are shaped like loops. Then why "Apple Jacks"?

I used to know an idiot savant that had Tourette's Syndrome. That kid was fucking brilliant.

I mix metaphors like Hemingway's bartender.

I'm convinced that call-ahead seating was invented by the same guy that came up with the button you push at a crosswalk...

...and the close door button on elevators.

I like seeing Kerry/Edwards '04 bumper stickers. It's like they're saying, "Not only did I support a candidate that couldn't even beat George Bush, but I'm also stuck in this long term lease!"

If a blind guy calls you the sunshine of his life, what exactly does that mean? And apple of his eye? Maybe that is his problem! He should have that looked at.

That actually makes me think that its weird that its more common to hear someone make fun of blindness than to hear someone make fun of the deaf. That's counterintuitive. The blind guy can still hear you! That's why I'm typing this instead of saying it out loud.

There's a big difference between being "so good looking" and "so-so good looking". So's only work in odd number configurations.

If it turned out that the guy whose job it was to arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic survived, we'd all feel pretty stupid right now.

I'm trying to cease and desist using redundant phrases.

I have no use for people that use acronyms. Try it with me and you're SOL.

Someone said to me, "the long and the short of it is..." Well, which is it? I don't get it.

Ever since Elmo came around, we haven't seen a whole lot of Grover. I'm picturing Grover in a gutter somewhere mumbling about Mr. Noodle and Dorothy.

I would have to say that coming out of the birth canal was my crowning achievement.

Is there anything worse than watching someone type and click that does not use keyboard shortcuts?

her: "I just have to select this 2000 line spreadsheet..." [tries to select it all with her mouse]
me: "Control A."
her: [still trying to select it all with her mouse]
me: "Control A to select all."
her: [still trying to select it all with her mouse]
me: [head hits table]
her: "Are you ok?"
me: "Oh, you didn't let go of the mouse button, did you?"
her: "I heard a thud"
me: "Control A."

I just heard a co-worker say, "Did I mispronounciate it?"

I was laughing too hard to hear the answer, but I think its safe to assume that he did.

Why not just put the address you want to send the letter to as the return address and save yourself the postage?

What's a round-about way of telling someone they're being passive aggressive? They are just not taking my hints.

I think "cliché" would be a good name for a fragrance for lesbians. And it would come in a bottle shaped like a pickup truck.

Judging from my 13 years worth of school pictures, apparently it takes absolutely no talent to be a portrait photographer.

I don't care who you are, watching grown-ups ride tricycles is funny. At first.

I hear that gays like to meet up for sex at highway rest stops. Where do they get off?

Actually I guess I just answered my own question.

It's a good thing that Amerigo Vespucci's name wasn't something like "Darren".

Is there anything one can usurp other than authority?

I am habitually blaming my inclinations on my predispositions.

Every year at this time, Arby's sells glasses. They don't have a logo or advertisement on them. They're just glasses. I don't have a joke here. I just don't get it.

Often we have product names derive generic terms from the original brand. For example, geezers will often call a refigerator a "Frigidaire" regardless of the name brand.

I can understand this, but I have always wondered why you never see it the other way around. Why aren't there more brand names derived from generic terms. If I owned company that made beer, I'd call it "Cold One".

Taking this even further, products could be named after what they are. "When you're at The Store, why don't you pick up Some Eggs." You'd never have to advertise! Anyone have any other ideas?

Steve Guttenberg now resides in rural Montana where he and his wife grow tomatoes.

T-shirts are so named because they gained popularity in the 1920's. Originally, they were known as Twenties shirts. Eventually that name was shortened to just "T-shirts".

David Duchovny enjoys spelunking.

Penny loafers were originally introduced by the Lincoln Shoe Company in Lincoln, Nebraska. The logo of the company was the silhouette of Abe Lincoln as on the penny, hence the name.

The addition symbol '+' is derived from the latin word texo, which means: to twine together, build. What we write as a plus sign is actually a lower case T.

Molly Ringwald is allergic to eggs.

Vaseline was invented as a laxative.

Christopher Columbus did not know how to swim.

Pringles chips are all the same size because they only use the parts of the potato that will make the chips that size. Proctor & Gamble sells the remaining potato pieces to the Frito-Lay company where they are used for Lays potato chips.

Blair Underwood's real name is Tootie Lowenstein.


...and that is why I'm not allowed to edit Wikipedia anymore.

I like the phrase "threw him under the bus." It's just such a beautifully violent way to describe what is essentially being a tattle tale. You hear it a lot, too. It seems like we'd think it would be overused but it still hasn't lost its panache. Usually a turn of phrase like that gets old after hearing it two or three times. Not this one. "Threw him under the bus" has defied the laws of the American lexicon.

Now that I think about it, I think that "turn of phrase" has become a little outdated, ironically enough.

Has anyone ever actually said the interjection "Egads!" out loud? Of course, I mean besides reading it out loud from an Archie comic.

Tropical Starbursts are way better than the original Starbursts. Tropical Starbursts are the Dick Sargent of the Starburst family.

Have you seen the commercials for Space Bag? I love that product. I wonder if they make them to transport household pets.

I think "mail-in rebate" is another way to say "subtracting money you will never ever see but you can use this lower price to help you convince your wife that you can actually afford this."

And just because I can....
Soulja Boy off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank dat Soulja Boy
Then Superman dat hoe
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy

I realized that with Brian gone this week, he and I are sort of like a mom and dad. Hear me out on this...

Brian is like the stay at home mom. He is constantly contributing content to the site and always here when you need him. Whereas I tend to pay attention to the exterior of the site... Making sure the links work, updating the interactive poll, things like that... Dad stuff! Like mowing the lawn and taking out the garbage. Occasionally I contribute content but let's face it. Brian does most of the work. And with Brian gone this week, I'm left in charge of the house and the dishes are piling up and I'm wearing a dirty shirt I pulled from the hamper because I'm all out of shirts. But don't worry, kids. Mom will be home soon.

But here's some bloglets while we wait...

I have never seen a man with no arms riding a bike but I bet if there is such a guy, his friends are sick of hearing him say, "Look, Mom! No hands!"

Painkillers are probably the only medicine with the word "killer" in the name. I wonder why that is.

A friend of mine gave me grief for using the word "guff", which I found to be ironic.

I took a correspondence class but I didn't get a very good grade. I totally mailed it in.

I'm guessing that book stores in San Francisco get a disproportionate number people demanding refunds for the Curious George books.

Tonight is The Office season premier. Don't forget! Check this spot tomorrow for discussion of the hour-long episode.

How do you know if a question is rhetorical? Don't answer that.

I'm an organ donor. So far, I have had no takers.

Saying the word "entendre" is hard for me.

I think if you say something has pizazz, it automatically means that it doesn't.

What's with the men's dress shirts that are various colors but have white collars and cuffs? I don't get that look.

Has that girl from the Miss Teen USA pageant signed on to do commercials with Mapquest yet? Someone has to make that happen.

I know I'm getting old because now I look forward to school starting again.

Have a great long weekend everyone!

If I was a circus clown who's act consisted of doing tricks with my ass but I lacked the talent to pull it off, I'm pretty sure I'd sue Jimmy Fallon for stealing my intellectual property.

Was it just me or did all the girls when we were younger separate themselves into 3 distinct castes?...There were the girls who liked unicorns, the girls who liked rainbows and the girls who liked pandas. By my observation, the unicorn girls turned out sluttiest. Coincidence?

Also, if you were a unicorn girl, chances were 50% higher that you had mall bangs and carried around a Lisa Frank binder.

Janis Joplin was wrong... 'Homeless' is another word for nothing left to lose.

This is just a hunch but had she known we were all going to read her diary, Anne Frank probably would have left out the bit about her homosexual fantasies.

Because of Stouffers, the word 'cuisine' now means the exact opposite of what it used to.

I have no problem that Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony, but if he stuck a feather in his cap and called it 'macaroni', it's fair to say that Mr. Doodle had at least a mild form of delusional psychosis.

The phrase "Organ grinder" makes me uncomfortable.

I like to go to the grocery store at around 7:00 in the morning and look for the mom wearing her bathrobe and shopping for poster boards and glue sticks for the project that their kid put off until the last minute. Your chances of seeing her increase at least 50% if it's the first day back to school after spring break.

I was born in February and I was always kind of pissed off that we got screwed out of at least 2 days. February is like January: The Sequel. Sequels suck. What did February ever do to piss off the rest of the months? Why can't we rotate which month gets shafted out of 2 days every year. Let's stick it to August for once! Frigging August!

I think people are making too big a deal out of the story of Alec Baldwin berating his 11 year old daughter. So he called her a "thoughtless little pig." Who are we to judge? Maybe that was his pet name for her, like "how's Daddy's thoughtless little pig?" or "Did my thoughtless little pig have a good day at school today?" or "Don't you realize that Running With Scissors' Total U.S. gross was $6.8 million, you thoughtless little pig?" Ok, maybe not.

Speaking of pigs, there was a new package of Hostess Donettes on my desk this morning. The package says there are 7 servings in the package. I don't know where they get that number because it only took me one serving to finish them.

As irony would have it, right after I typed that last one, I got an Outlook reminder to make a dentist appointment.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Rather than confusing me as to the difference between the median and the mean, why don’t we get rid of the mean and simply call it the average? Everyone knows what average means, but nobody ever remembers what mean means. Wait, we never remember what mean means? That’s kinda funny. Either way, mean is just confusing, so let's get rid of it. Come to think of it, I see no reason why we have the median either. What purpose does it serve? If I have an odd sequence of numbers, the median is the middle one. If I have an even sequence of numbers, the median is the mean, er I mean the average of the middle two. Seriously, what the hell for? I say we get rid of the mean AND the median, then get rid of X so we can all live happier. Or at least I can, and that’s really all that counts. Know what I mean?

What's the difference between flatware and silverware? And why would they call it FLATware? Spoons and forks are not flat. They wouldn't really work if they were.

Apparently, it now costs 1.2 cents to manufacture a penny. Shouldn't this be about the time that the universe colapses on itself?

Why do only Christmas and New Years get eve's? Screw that. Today is 4th of July Eve.

I got sucked into the final episode of Super Group last night. The most revealing scene was when Gilmore Girls regular, er... i mean Skid Row frontmant, Sebastian Bach, meets his fan (seriously, how many others could there be?) outside the concert venue. He appeared to be ashamed for her. Even he couldn't understand why she was so infatuated with him. Join the club, Sebastian.

What's more sad, that I'm 29 and I have a Myspace profile, or that one of my friends is my mom?

Is the World Cup over yet? Seriously, is it?

Which makes me think, if I'm David Beckham, why do I marry the ugly Spice Girl? Or maybe an even better question is, why do I settle for ONLY ONE of them?!

I got my son a Slip 'n Slide for his birthday. I couldn't help but think back to our old Slip 'n Slide when we were kids. Some kid from down the street ripped it when he went down it wearing jeans. JEANS! Damn you, Roy!

What does one need to do to reach "lug" status? Can one only be a BIG lug? Is there such thing as a medium or even junior sized lug? Much like all Rodney Dangerfield ever wanted was one of these, I just want to be someone's lug.

Or do I? What is a lug? I've heard it used as a verb too. To lug something. "Billy helped me lug all my turkey legs to the Renaissance Fair." Maybe I just need a medical dictionary. "If a patient gets difficult, you lug 'em!"

Ok I just looked it up. A lug is a "clumsy fool; a blockhead." So basically we're just letting anything be a term of endearment now? "I just got back from visiting my old piano teacher, that tramp!" Oh yeah, that works! Maybe Frank Sinatra was on to something.