1 Happy St

You have my permission to use this joke tomorrow. I promise somebody will laugh, but you really have to sell it. Afterwards, give a sneaky smile that says "yeah it was lame but you have to appreciate the effort". That's the key. Okay, here goes. After the dishes are done and the leftovers are being put away, pick up a piece of cold turkey and say, "Man I'm addicted to this stuff. One day I hope to be able to quit, but I doubt I'll be able to do it on the first try."

Then look around and smile. It'll work I promise.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Me: Installing windows are a pane.
Me: No good?
Him: I see right through that joke.

I have some Snoop Dogg jokes for you (for real? I mean fo shizz?). These probably would have been funnier years ago (doubtful) when they would have been topical. But they were told to me last night and I still laughed (groaned). So enjoy (or don't). What's with all these parenthesis? (I'll stop)

How does Snoop Dogg keep his laundry clean?
With blee-otch.

Funny, right? Oh, it wasn't? Okay well let me try one more.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry around an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.

Come on. Don't even try to tell me you didn't laugh at that.

This comes courtesy of my sister. I'm sure it's old, but it's a first for me. So in it goes:

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?'' "No," the farmer said. The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?'' "No." The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.'' The farmer shot Chuck.

I like it, but I think we were cheated out of the 3rd daughter's name.

This is a new one.

The Tigers have placed utility man Brandon Inge on the disabled list retroactive to June 23rd with a pulled oblique muscle...Inge said he aggravated the injury moving a pillow for his three-year-old Monday night.

Uh huh. Personally I would have gone with the "I fell into a blanket of feathers" excuse.

Hey that reminds me of a stupid joke: What happened to the guy who jumped 100 feet into a bottle of root beer? Nothing, it was a soft drink.

This blog sucks. Even the title was lame. Got anything to talk about?

[h/t TBL on the Inge story]

I'm in a golfing spirit. Tomorrow it's going to be 80 degrees or so and I tee off shortly before 9. So to get you in the same spirit, I'm giving you this horribly dirty golf joke. Mom look away. Greg you too.

Okay, so this guy is on the 3rd tee and he's already 6 or 7 strokes over par. As you can imagine, he's pretty upset with how poorly he's doing. Just as he's about to tee off on the 3rd hole, a tiny leprechaun saddles up behind him.

"Excuse me Sir," says the leprechaun. "I notice you've been having some problems. Well I tell you what. If you [pleasure me orally], I'll make you a better golfer."

"That's nonsense," says the man. "Get out of here you crazy leprechaun."

So the leprechaun leaves.

A few holes later, the man is doing even worse. It's the 6th hole, and now he's a good 15 strokes over par. He's extremely upset now and is on the verge of throwing his clubs into a pond. Along comes you know who.

"Excuse me Sir," says the leprechaun. "I notice that you're not getting any better. Well my offer still stands. [Pleasure me orally], and I'll make you a better golfer."

"I thought I told you to get the hell out of here," says the man. "I don't need your help, and I'm certainly not going to do that to get it."

So the leprechaun leaves again.

Three holes later, the man tees off and his ball flies directly into the woods.

"Son of a bitch, c___ sucker gosh darnit to [bleep]!" screams the man. He's 20 over par, and now he has to go searching through the trees to find his ball.

With that, the leprechaun wanders over one more time.

"Sir," says the leprechaun. "I've seen you hit the ball over here. I've seen you hit the ball over there. I've seen you hit the ball everywhere except for where you're supposed to hit the ball. Please, let me help you. [Pleasure me orally], and I'll make you a good golfer."

By now the man is desperate. He hates that he sucks at golf, so he finally obliges the leprechaun.

So as he's [pleasuring the leprechaun orally], the leprechaun looks down at the man and says "by the way Sir, how old are you?"

"Well I'm 35 years old," says the man.

"And you still believe in leprechauns?"

Happy Friday. And if your weather cooperates this weekend, make sure you enjoy it.

People who send out stupid email forwards to the same distribution list that they were on when they got the email. So let me get this straight: Your friend Suzy McJokester sent out a stupid joke to everyone she knows. You didn't notice that Suzy McJokester's email distribution list is the same as yours. So now everybody gets that same busted joke twice. Thanks. We needed that.

Also, it should be noted that I will never care about the funny things Little Johnny did or said while he was in class. I have little doubt that Little Johnny will be on his neighborhood's sexual predator's list when he gets older. So I don't need to be informed of all of his perverted shenanigans as an 8-year-old.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Sh##"

h/t Daniel

Now for a few groaners:

- A proton walks into a bar and says "I'll take a beer." The bartender says "are you sure?" and the proton says "I'm positive."

- Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says "hey get out of here. I don't serve breakfast."

- A neutron walks into a bar and says "how much for a beer?" The bartender says "for you? no charge."

- A 3-legged dog walks into a bar in the old west and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

And finally........

A man is about to get married. He's at his future in-law's house days before the wedding. He finds himself alone in the house with his future sister-in-law (of course), who is younger than his bride-to-be (of course) and has all of the physical qualities that are important to the superficial man. She says to him, "I'm about to go upstairs to my room. Follow me up there and I'll give you a little something to enjoy before you get married." His jaw drops as he watches her go up the stairs. She turns around just long enough to give him a wink. Just then, the man takes off running in the opposite direction and bursts through the back door. Outside, all of his future in-laws are there, clapping and cheering. "Congrats, you passed the test," they all say. His future bride is there too and she has tears in her eye. "Sorry to have to do this to you," she says. "But we just had to be sure that you'd never compromise our relationship." The man had done good. He passed the test.

What's the moral of the story?

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Happy Monday!!!!!