1 Happy St

Guy A: "What are you watching?"
Guy B: "The video feed of the U.S. Open."
Guy A: "Tiger won it like 5 minutes ago."
Guy B: "What are you talking about? They're in sudden death."
Guy A: "They WERE in sudden death. Tiger won it already."
Guy B: "You fucking kidding me?"

/Proof that the video stream was slow as molasses.

One more golf-related question and then I'll put this topic to bed: Why can’t fans in the gallery make noises during a golfer's backswing? Poor Milton Bradley has to play the outfield while people pelt him with batteries, but little Tiger Woods can’t handle a camera click?

Maybe Tiger should spend a day in Milton Bradley's shoes before we start calling him the greatest athlete ever. Or Rex Grossman's shoes. Or Alex Rodriguez's shoes. Or Goody Two's shoes. Or Bozo's shoes. Or Barry Bonds' shoes. Or blip blop shoes. Or I quit.

Molasses.

If you're trying to describe the slow speed of something and you compare it to molasses, you need to work on your simile's. That's just a poor effort, using molasses. Does anybody even know what molasses is anymore? No, because we use honey. Or brown sugar. Molasses. Bah!

By the way, this video stream of the U.S. Open is slow as.........

Okay molasses.

Another by the way: why does someone in the gallery yell "GET IN THE HOLE" every time a golfer takes a shot no matter where it's from?

Announcer: "Well Roger, we're 517 yards from the green on this par 5. Tiger with his first shot from the tee."

[WHACK!!!!]

"GET IN THE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Morons.

I told you about it last year. I told you about it the year before. So I have to tell you again this year, right? Saturday was my annual Father's Day golf outing.

A little background in case you forgot. I've always been awful at golf. I've been so bad in the past that most of the time I wouldn't even keep score; I would just ride around in the cart drinking beer while occasionally getting out to hit the ball. I've made no secret of this. But admittedly, I've been getting better. I have newer clubs [and they're good one's], new shoes, and hats for my bats to keep bats warm [gracias]. And the last few times out, I've done okay*.

*Granted, okay for you might be in the 90's. Okay for me is 120.

I didn't do okay this time though. Far from it in fact. This year I went up against 59 other people. The golf course was pretty badass. Each cart had a computerized flatscreen television that allowed us to enter in our score after each hole. If you were in a large group [which we were], you could keep track of everyone else. A leaderboard if you will. Pretty cool, right? Well yeah, if you're good. But who wants electronic proof being broadcast to everyone on the course of how badly they suck? Because that was me. After each hole, I had to enter my 7 or 8 [or 10] into the computer, and then it would tell me how many shots over par I was, as well as my current standing amongst the 60 players. Needless to say, I was never better than 59th and I ended up in 60th with a 133. I don't know why I tell you these things 'cause that's a bloody embarrassment. But oh well. I'm not shy.

My brother-in-law Tommy finished in 59th with a 132. Do you believe that? 1 friggin stroke. Although I think I have to call shenanigans because I saw him take a 9 on the 16th hole and I could have sworn he got a 10.

That liar.

This is a golf story, but I'll fill you in anyway. Kelly Tilghman is an anchor for the Golf Channel. Yes, golf has a channel. Last Friday during a broadcast from the Mercedez-Benz Championship, Tilghman offered up some advice to golfers who want to try to beat Tiger Woods by saying they should "lynch him in a back alley." Tiger Woods. A black golfer. They should lynch him. Racial overtones. Yeah you get it. Tilghman's comments got her suspended from the Golf Channel for 2 weeks. End of story, right?

Here is the latest chapter in the well documented golf adventures of the guys of 1 Happy St.

As many of you may know by now, Tuesday night is my golf league night. Brian only really golfs when someone asks him, so he can almost get away with being a lousy golfer. Since I play in a competitive league on a weekly basis, I actually have to do things like play it where it lies and keep score and explain to my wife why I need to buy more golf balls again.

One would think that with all the golf I play, my score would be showing signs of improvement. You would think that. And now, you'd actually be right! Last night was my personal best round. I shot a 50. I would have broken 50 had my putt for par on the last hole been half an inch to the right.

We play 9 holes every week ("Just like Alex Rodriguez!" says my 11 month old Jack) and I'd been averaging around a 56-60 this year. Last year I was in the 60's consistently, but I upgraded to Callaway irons and my game improved immediately.

Unfortunately, my score was not the highlight of the evening. The most excitement of the night took place between the fairways of the 3rd and 4th holes. As is often the case, my drive on the 3rd hole par 4 went far and way right. It landed on the far side of the 4th fairway. With about 200 yards to the green, I squared up with my 5 wood. From my angle, I had a clear line to the pin, with several small trees far to the left. In those trees was someone from group playing the 4th hole. I saw him there but he was no where near where I was aiming. So I let it go.

And I hit him. I'm telling you, my ball hunted him down like Tommy Lee Jones. He wasn't even close to where I was aiming but my ball darted at him so fast, I barely had time to yell, "FORE!" He never even flinched. My ball caromed (Brian likes that word), and I quickly went over to see if he was okay.

Thankfully, he was. Actually, I think the ball really only grazed his butt. He was wearing baggy shorts and I think that helped slow the ball down considerably. Of course I apologized profusely (is there any other activity one can do "profusely") and he told me he was fine and not to worry about it. I was hoping I'd catch up with him in the clubhouse to buy him a beer but I never saw him again. I also could have thanked him for stopping my ball from going too far off course.

All in all, it could have been a lot worse, but I was happy to bogey the hole.

Here are some golf tips. You may want to have a pen and paper ready.

After reading this, I'm not sure which punchline to use, but I have it narrowed down to the following:

- At least I'm not that bad.
- Maybe he should stick to mini-golf.
- How'd he do on the back 9?
- Did he take a mulligan?
- Wow, he was on fire.

Feel free to add one of your own.

- The weather was hot, the beer was flowing, so everyone had fun.
- I didn’t come in last. In fact, two others finished with a worse score than me.
- I hit two houses, but no people (I’ll take all the positives I can).
- I only lost 4 balls the entire round. Last year I think I lost 20 or so.
- My score improved by 15% versus the year before. What does that mean? I guess it means that my game went from ridiculously bad to just bad. I’ll take it.

A final thought about golf and then I’ll put this topic to bed. One of the things I realized as I was searching the high grass for my ball on the 12th hole is that golf is a lot harder for people who suck. That seems like an obvious statement, but hear me out. I’m not just referring to the ability to hit the ball straight and far. I’m referring to the game itself being harder. For instance, if I was good, I would probably be able to hit the fairway on my drives every time. From there, my 2nd and 3rd shots would be a lot easier because it’s easier to shoot from the fairway than it is from the rough. See what I mean? Essentially what golf does is it penalizes the people who aren’t good at it by making them attempt ridiculous shots from knee-high grass. If I ever ran my own course, I would make the rough down the middle and the low grass along the sides. The course would look dumb, but guys like me with wicked slices would benefit greatly.

Remember this? Well it's that time again. Tomorrow morning I will try my hand at Round 2 of the Jill's family's annual Father's Day golf outing. A few things will be different this year:

1. I have new clubs. Jill got them for me as a wedding gift. They're awesome. Much too nice for a guy who sucks at golf.
2. I'll be wearing golf shoes and a glove on my right hand. I bought the shoes last summer and Jill's brother Tommy got me the glove for my birthday. In other words, I'll look like a golfer (aside from the way I'm golfing).
3. My dad will be joining me this year and all indications based on our trip to the driving range last night point towards him sucking as bad or worse than me. Last year I was in a foursome with my father-in-law (decent golfer), an uncle-in-law (awesome golfer), and some guy I just met (another awesome golfer). Yeah, it was a bloodbath. This year I'll be playing with my dad (sucks), Tommy (also sucks), and Jill's dad (decent). That's my kind of foursome.
4. And finally, I actually have improved. I haven't taken any lessons or anything, but I have taken some pointers from people who know what they're doing and they've actually worked. Somewhat.

I can't be any worse than last year.

Famous last words, right?

What is it about Greg and Brian’s family and golf? Jill's family was kind enough to invite me to their annual Father’s Day golf outing on Saturday. But the only “outing” for me was that they learned what kind of golfer I am. I won’t bore you with my score, but at one point on the 11th hole, after chipping from the rough and failing to get out, taking a drop, then shooting it right back into the rough, Tom said to me, “you know, if this was boxing, the ref would have stopped the fight by now”. I feel this was the perfect quote to sum up my day.

But I can’t say that I’m disappointed. This is what comes from being born into my family. We love to golf; we just suck at it. We are to golf what Elaine Benes is to dancing.

All I can say is thank goodness for Miller Lite.

I've been playing in a golf league on Tuesday nights. This is the first time I've ever taken part in a league so it's been quite a new experience. For instance, in league play, they frown upon things like (just off the top of my head) trying to run over the geese with the golf cart, making sandtrap angels or even heckling the other players in the foursome. It should probably be said that making suggestive comments about "foursomes" is also discouraged, apparently.

Anyway, we're four weeks into the season (out of 16) and now I've been assigned a "handicap". Much to my dismay, this doesn't mean that I'll be allowed to park closer to the first tee. Basically it means that I suck at golf so they've given me a NEW score so it looks like I know what the hell I'm doing out there. The lower your handicap, the better the golfer. To give you an idea of how high my handicap is, if we were talking about ACTUAL handicaps, I'd be on the course drooling on the flag on the 7th hole. I hope to improve to "hugs strangers for no reason" by the end of the season.

It got me thinking that golf has to be one of the only walks of life (hehe) where you can still use that word. That being said, if I don't get any better as this season goes on, I may have to petition the league to start calling it my "golf-challenged" score. I'm actually mostly just "putter-challenged" but that sounds too much like something else which I'm not about to admit to on this blog, but which coincidentally would also refer to a problem with my stroke. Ok I'm going to stop now.

I'll try to keep you posted on my progress.