1 Happy St

How many times do you think someone had to try to give someone else a cup of tea before the response actually became a common colloquialism?

My delusions of grandeur are worse than anyone else's.

I worry about insomnia, but I try not to let it keep me up nights.

I have lot of feelings toward people that are vague.

I can remember a time time long ago when I was really into nostalgia.

When I was in school, I plagiarized an article on copyright law.

I'll bet you $100 I can overcome my addiction to gambling.

I just know that everyone is talking behind my back about how paranoid I am.

I had a friend that was schizophrenic... 2 friends, actually.

Various Artists would be a good band name.

I'm guessing that if you're name is Morrie, you really hate Tuesdays now.

I have a bum leg. I bought it off him for a shopping cart full of aluminum cans.

For a food with only 0-.3% feline content, they probably could have come up with a better name for the KitKat.

I got Rock Band for Wii two days ago. I stayed home sick yesterday. Those two events are not related. I promise.

I'm against sexist stereotypes as much as the next guy.

There is no more secure job in the world than the geneticist that won a grant to create flying pigs. Think about it.

Never tell someone on the way to the free clinic to "think positive."

I only like white rice. Does that make me a ricist?

I wish my name was something more memorable..... like 'Amnesia'.

Or maybe I'll just change my last name to 'Something'.

"What's his name again?
"Greg ...something."
"Yeah, that's it!"

The number 1 pencil in the world is the number 2 pencil. That's confusing.

And why do they ever put anything other than pink erasers on a pencil? No other color eraser ever works. In fact, some other erasers are pretty much just like crayons, so instead of erasing the error, you've only highlighted it with orange or blue "eraser" markings.

Cheerios are shaped like O's. Froot Loops are shaped like loops. Then why "Apple Jacks"?

I used to know an idiot savant that had Tourette's Syndrome. That kid was fucking brilliant.

I mix metaphors like Hemingway's bartender.

I'm convinced that call-ahead seating was invented by the same guy that came up with the button you push at a crosswalk...

...and the close door button on elevators.

I like seeing Kerry/Edwards '04 bumper stickers. It's like they're saying, "Not only did I support a candidate that couldn't even beat George Bush, but I'm also stuck in this long term lease!"

If a blind guy calls you the sunshine of his life, what exactly does that mean? And apple of his eye? Maybe that is his problem! He should have that looked at.

That actually makes me think that its weird that its more common to hear someone make fun of blindness than to hear someone make fun of the deaf. That's counterintuitive. The blind guy can still hear you! That's why I'm typing this instead of saying it out loud.

There's a big difference between being "so good looking" and "so-so good looking". So's only work in odd number configurations.

If it turned out that the guy whose job it was to arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic survived, we'd all feel pretty stupid right now.

I'm trying to cease and desist using redundant phrases.

I have no use for people that use acronyms. Try it with me and you're SOL.

Someone said to me, "the long and the short of it is..." Well, which is it? I don't get it.

Ever since Elmo came around, we haven't seen a whole lot of Grover. I'm picturing Grover in a gutter somewhere mumbling about Mr. Noodle and Dorothy.

I would have to say that coming out of the birth canal was my crowning achievement.

Is there anything worse than watching someone type and click that does not use keyboard shortcuts?

her: "I just have to select this 2000 line spreadsheet..." [tries to select it all with her mouse]
me: "Control A."
her: [still trying to select it all with her mouse]
me: "Control A to select all."
her: [still trying to select it all with her mouse]
me: [head hits table]
her: "Are you ok?"
me: "Oh, you didn't let go of the mouse button, did you?"
her: "I heard a thud"
me: "Control A."

I had a bad dream last night that I was trying to do algebra problems using a calculator made out of butter in a room full of bowling balls. It was a logistical nightmare.

My friend Bill is such a big gossip... but you didn't hear that from me.

I wanted to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony too... But then I thought, "what if the only song we could all agree on was Afternoon Delight?" I'm thinking the Coca-Cola company would reconsider, too.

I bet Oskar Schindler was a very efficient grocery shopper.

'Leotard' sounds like a lion that always gets left behind during the hunt, and then when they let him in, he just drools all over the carcass.

I think they should make cheddar-flavored Teddy Grahams, if for no other reason than to put the fear of God in those uppity Goldfish.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Why not just put the address you want to send the letter to as the return address and save yourself the postage?

What's a round-about way of telling someone they're being passive aggressive? They are just not taking my hints.

I think "cliché" would be a good name for a fragrance for lesbians. And it would come in a bottle shaped like a pickup truck.

Judging from my 13 years worth of school pictures, apparently it takes absolutely no talent to be a portrait photographer.

I don't care who you are, watching grown-ups ride tricycles is funny. At first.

I hear that gays like to meet up for sex at highway rest stops. Where do they get off?

Actually I guess I just answered my own question.

It's been my observation that black people don't like being stereotyped.

This is a brilliant Family Guy clip.

I don't care much for her sister, but that Jamie Lynn Spears is quite the positive role model.

I'm hoping I never get a surprise visit by a jockey. He might be offended by my landscaping. Same goes for a gargoyle.

I've got no use for tinsel.

Or koalas.

I haven't seen one bell ringer this Christmas. My pocket is overflowing with pennies.

.....er I mean with $10s and $20s.

And finally, do any of our readers remember these videos? Anyone who ever watched The Bozo Show on WGN growing up will surely remember this...



or this...


or this...

It's a good thing that Amerigo Vespucci's name wasn't something like "Darren".

Is there anything one can usurp other than authority?

I am habitually blaming my inclinations on my predispositions.

Every year at this time, Arby's sells glasses. They don't have a logo or advertisement on them. They're just glasses. I don't have a joke here. I just don't get it.

Often we have product names derive generic terms from the original brand. For example, geezers will often call a refigerator a "Frigidaire" regardless of the name brand.

I can understand this, but I have always wondered why you never see it the other way around. Why aren't there more brand names derived from generic terms. If I owned company that made beer, I'd call it "Cold One".

Taking this even further, products could be named after what they are. "When you're at The Store, why don't you pick up Some Eggs." You'd never have to advertise! Anyone have any other ideas?

If I owned a monkey, I think I'd have to start drinking coffee just so he'd have something to grind.

How come when I go to some restaurants and order a hamburger, they ask me if I want cheese on it? Look, guy in Wendy's hat! Cheeseburgers have been around for quite a while. If I wanted a cheeseburger, I would have asked for a cheeseburger! If I order a chili, you don't ask me if I want it on a hot dog! That's a chili dog! I mean what I say and I say what I mean! So chop chop, fancy hat!

Sorry about that. I needed to rant.

I think "able to use product without vomiting" is more important than "product actually works", which is why I use Scope instead of Listerine.

My wife and I have a living will in which she specified that she doesn't wish to be kept alive by any artificial means, so I don't know why she was so upset when she fell off that boat and I didn't throw her a life jacket.

I think the expression "shit hit the fan" is the perfect definition of a gross exaggeration.

I like the phrase "threw him under the bus." It's just such a beautifully violent way to describe what is essentially being a tattle tale. You hear it a lot, too. It seems like we'd think it would be overused but it still hasn't lost its panache. Usually a turn of phrase like that gets old after hearing it two or three times. Not this one. "Threw him under the bus" has defied the laws of the American lexicon.

Now that I think about it, I think that "turn of phrase" has become a little outdated, ironically enough.

Has anyone ever actually said the interjection "Egads!" out loud? Of course, I mean besides reading it out loud from an Archie comic.

Tropical Starbursts are way better than the original Starbursts. Tropical Starbursts are the Dick Sargent of the Starburst family.

Have you seen the commercials for Space Bag? I love that product. I wonder if they make them to transport household pets.

I think "mail-in rebate" is another way to say "subtracting money you will never ever see but you can use this lower price to help you convince your wife that you can actually afford this."

And just because I can....
Soulja Boy off in this hoe
Watch me crank it
Watch me roll
Watch me crank dat Soulja Boy
Then Superman dat hoe
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy
Now watch me do
Crank dat Soulja Boy

I realized that with Brian gone this week, he and I are sort of like a mom and dad. Hear me out on this...

Brian is like the stay at home mom. He is constantly contributing content to the site and always here when you need him. Whereas I tend to pay attention to the exterior of the site... Making sure the links work, updating the interactive poll, things like that... Dad stuff! Like mowing the lawn and taking out the garbage. Occasionally I contribute content but let's face it. Brian does most of the work. And with Brian gone this week, I'm left in charge of the house and the dishes are piling up and I'm wearing a dirty shirt I pulled from the hamper because I'm all out of shirts. But don't worry, kids. Mom will be home soon.

But here's some bloglets while we wait...

I have never seen a man with no arms riding a bike but I bet if there is such a guy, his friends are sick of hearing him say, "Look, Mom! No hands!"

Painkillers are probably the only medicine with the word "killer" in the name. I wonder why that is.

A friend of mine gave me grief for using the word "guff", which I found to be ironic.

I took a correspondence class but I didn't get a very good grade. I totally mailed it in.

I'm guessing that book stores in San Francisco get a disproportionate number people demanding refunds for the Curious George books.

Tonight is The Office season premier. Don't forget! Check this spot tomorrow for discussion of the hour-long episode.

It's been a while since I've posted some bloglets. Let's see if I still remember how to do this...

Knowing that boys (and grown men for that matter) are so amused by poop references, why would they decide to put the word "Duty" in the Cub Scout Promise?

I don't care who knows it. After getting 3 fillings yesterday, I'm a raving anti-dentite! I'm still in pain. And she didn't even have newer magazines.

I've come to the conclusion that I choose fast food restaurants based on whether or not they serve Pepsi products. As far as I'm concerned, all fast food is going to make me feel like I ate road kill so I might as well have my favorite beverage to wash it all down.

Are there bipolar bears? "GRrr!!! I'm going to eat your face off! Oh look, a picnic basket!"

Ok, I'll admit it. That joke was a borderline.

Boxer briefs are like the bi-sexuals of the underwear world (would that be the underworld?). They can't decide what they want to be and frankly you wish they'd just pick one and go with it.

There's no excuse for violence against women... unless they are tickling you.

How do you know if a question is rhetorical? Don't answer that.

I'm an organ donor. So far, I have had no takers.

Saying the word "entendre" is hard for me.

I think if you say something has pizazz, it automatically means that it doesn't.

What's with the men's dress shirts that are various colors but have white collars and cuffs? I don't get that look.

Has that girl from the Miss Teen USA pageant signed on to do commercials with Mapquest yet? Someone has to make that happen.

I know I'm getting old because now I look forward to school starting again.

Have a great long weekend everyone!

Bunions sound like a failed product from Frito Lay.

There are two kinds of people: People that can recite every line to every Monty Python bit, and the people that think all those people are idiots. I'm sure you were a hit at your high school musical cast party, but I'm sorry. I just don't get it.

I always thought it unfair that 1, 2 and 3 get ST, ND and RD's but 4 through 20 are all stuck with TH's.

I don't care what anyone says. Candy Land is a way better game than Chutes and Ladders. What's worse than getting to square 87 and having to take that long frigging chute back to 24? Plus, I never liked any game that used a spinner. Every spinner sucked. Yes, I'm look at you, Game of Life!

What happened to Jim Carrey?

I have 3 kids, but we've been really bad at getting pictures taken of my 11-month-old Jack, so I really only have pictures of Andy (7) and Joshua (4) at my desk. I have a baby picture of Joshua that looks just like Jack though, so that works, right?

I really want to buy an iPhone soon. Because if history has taught us one thing, it's that cell phones and mp3 players never come down in price.

They say that breast implants are becoming a common gift from parents to daughters for college graduation. If the parents were smart, they'd buy the girls implants for high school graduation instead, to help her earn some money to pay her own way through college. That just seems like the smarter investment to me.

Do I end the week on a breast implant joke? Yes. Yes I do.

I've read that a good way to keep your cat off the furniture or counter tops is to spray them in the face with a water bottle. I'm not sure if that works on cats, but it seems to be helping keep people out of my cubicle.

I think we need to retire the phrase "everyone and their mother". The only time that expression ever really works is in response to the question, "Who's going to be at the mother-son picnic?"

What do you take if you break out in hives from taking Benadryl?

Nobody names their dog "Spot" anymore. Spot is like the dog version of Wally.

I was watching C-SPAN and I noticed that Congress still uses "aye" and "nay" instead of just using the common English words, "yes" and "no". I don't really have a joke here, but I do think it's just another example of how Congress is stupid.

When I die, I want to be cremated and put in an urn with a bunch of springy snakes.

If I was a circus clown who's act consisted of doing tricks with my ass but I lacked the talent to pull it off, I'm pretty sure I'd sue Jimmy Fallon for stealing my intellectual property.

Was it just me or did all the girls when we were younger separate themselves into 3 distinct castes?...There were the girls who liked unicorns, the girls who liked rainbows and the girls who liked pandas. By my observation, the unicorn girls turned out sluttiest. Coincidence?

Also, if you were a unicorn girl, chances were 50% higher that you had mall bangs and carried around a Lisa Frank binder.

Janis Joplin was wrong... 'Homeless' is another word for nothing left to lose.

This is just a hunch but had she known we were all going to read her diary, Anne Frank probably would have left out the bit about her homosexual fantasies.

Because of Stouffers, the word 'cuisine' now means the exact opposite of what it used to.

I have no problem that Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony, but if he stuck a feather in his cap and called it 'macaroni', it's fair to say that Mr. Doodle had at least a mild form of delusional psychosis.

Have you ever been canoeing? What's the difference between the oar with two paddles and the one with just one paddle? I think if given the choice, I'd be fine with either oar.

Have you ever rooted for one of your pieces of electronics to break down on you so you could justify buying a new one? Me neither. I'm very happy with my 2 and a half year old Dell DJ mp3 player with the black and white display.

I saw a commercial for blueberry vodka. Seems like they've got vodka that tastes like pretty much everything now. Can rum-flavored vodka be far behind?

I've never found a pair of headphones that fit my head and ears correctly.

It's taken a while but I think our generation will officially kill pipe smoking.

Something tells me that if they had come out today, they wouldn't have been called Erector Sets.

What's with calendars that start on Monday? That's idiotic. Stop it. Unless you start making clocks that start at 2:00.

What does "velop" mean? You can DEvelop and ENvelop but you never see it just as velop.

I think the the people at Milton Bradley are to blame for the rampant spread of venereal disease among teens. If we want to teach the kids not to catch "cooties", we shouldn't be telling them that STDs are adorable multi-colored bugs.

Pennies are pointless. Anything that you could lose 500 of without getting too upset about can't be worth keeping around.

I am betting that children in Italy make much more elaborate art projects with pasta.

It's a good thing they invented the push button phone key pad before they invented cell phones. Texting on rotary would be a bitch!

Do you ever wonder how people first discovered that cow milk was safe for human consumption? One guy had to look at a cow's udders and think, "Let's pull on 'em and see what comes out!" And then his buddy said, "Yeah, and then let's drink it!"

It's impossible to look tough while putting on chapstick.

Sight seen at yesterday's White Sox vs. Tigers game: Man in a skin tight leopard print shirt and capri pants with a flourescent yellow belt trying to start the wave. Congratulations, Slugger. You're the Mike's Hard Lemonade Gay of the Game!

I love the multi-person conference call on speaker phone at full volume in an open cubicle so everyone in at 40 foot radius has to hear the whole thing. Classic move, cube neighbor. Well played.

The phrase "Organ grinder" makes me uncomfortable.

I like to go to the grocery store at around 7:00 in the morning and look for the mom wearing her bathrobe and shopping for poster boards and glue sticks for the project that their kid put off until the last minute. Your chances of seeing her increase at least 50% if it's the first day back to school after spring break.

I was born in February and I was always kind of pissed off that we got screwed out of at least 2 days. February is like January: The Sequel. Sequels suck. What did February ever do to piss off the rest of the months? Why can't we rotate which month gets shafted out of 2 days every year. Let's stick it to August for once! Frigging August!

I think people are making too big a deal out of the story of Alec Baldwin berating his 11 year old daughter. So he called her a "thoughtless little pig." Who are we to judge? Maybe that was his pet name for her, like "how's Daddy's thoughtless little pig?" or "Did my thoughtless little pig have a good day at school today?" or "Don't you realize that Running With Scissors' Total U.S. gross was $6.8 million, you thoughtless little pig?" Ok, maybe not.

Speaking of pigs, there was a new package of Hostess Donettes on my desk this morning. The package says there are 7 servings in the package. I don't know where they get that number because it only took me one serving to finish them.

As irony would have it, right after I typed that last one, I got an Outlook reminder to make a dentist appointment.

Have a great weekend everyone!