1 Happy St

Sorry for the lack of posting around here. Greg is still trapped near the inner-circle of fault, and Jill and I joined our friends Brian and Sue on a vacation to New York. I figured I could either use this post as an opportunity to apologize, or an opportunity to bore you with pictures. Or how 'bout both?

First off, let me tell you how awesome New York is. It may be the only place in the country where you can walk into a dive bar and spend $10 for a domestic beer. You gotta respect a place like that. I had been there once before, but it was 5 or 6 years ago and I was by myself. Round 2 was a lot more fun.
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Okay starting left to right, you have me, Jill, some guy, 2 girls, Sue, and Brian. The 3 people in the middle were old friends we knew a long time ago who moved to New York a long time ago.

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This is Offica Paul White. We met him our first night and he told us about all the cool baws and clubs to hang out at. He also spoke with a New Yawk accent that we found pleasing. Oh, and he faked like he was writing us a ticket for the benefit of passers-by.

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Our first day we checked out Radio City Music hall. It was pretty gay. The hall itself was nice I guess. But the tour was gay. Really, really gay. That picture up there is me taking a break during the middle of it. And in the spirit of the tour, the look I was going for was gayness. I think I pulled it off nicely. A young girl on the tour who witnessed my pose mentioned that it was "totally going up on your myspace". Not having a myspace page, this blog will have to do.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The main reason for the trip in the first place was to check out Yankee Stadium, this being its last season and all. I was shocked to learn that they cheer for Derek Jeter there. I had never been to a place where Derek Jeter was cheered before; it was odd. Also, the Yankees were playing the Royals, but the whole 1st half of the game, the scoreboard showed the Yankees against the Angels. It took until the 5th inning for the scoreboard operator to fix it. The Royals get a lot of respect around these parts. The stadium itself sucked, but I loved the fans. They boo their own players if they swing and miss, even if it's only strike 1. Lesson learned - every stereotype about Yankees fans is 100% accurate.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you didn't know, New York doesn't have alleys, so all of their garbage piles up on the curb right where people walk. It adds to the fun, I say. Quick side-note that has nothing to do with the picture: earlier in the week, I read an article about Michael Phelps that said he eats 12,000 calories every day. I shared this story with Jill, Brian, and Sue, which led to our theory that he probably does nothing except eat, swim, sleep, and shit all day. So every time one of us had to use the bathroom during our trip, we would say "hang on you guys, I have to Phelps." Believe me, it was funny the first 500 or 600 times.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't even try to act like that isn't funny. Using my head to cover up the "C" in Canal? That's comedy gold in my opinion. Hat tip to Sue for the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you think we didn't make fun of Brian for wearing a Cubs shirt beneath his Yankees jersey, you'd be sorely mistaken. The Cubs AND the Yankees? Why not just wear a shirt that says "I'm a big douche"? I bet he also roots for the Cowboys. And Duke Men's Basketball.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jill got to brag that she's the only one of us who got to drive while in Manhattan. One of our friends who lives there met up with us and she drives a BMW. Since Jill was the only "sober" one, she got to drive us around one night. And yes, Jill now wants a BMW of her own.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's me reading a map in the middle of a crowded train station. How did I make it the entire week without someone stealing my wallet?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Remember that scene in Big Daddy? Now it IS your problem Buddy. I'm not sure how this didn't make it on my list of things to do while in New York, but thankfully it made Brian's list.
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And that's pretty much it. We did the touristy thing, we did the bar thing, we did the expensive restaurant thing, we did the cab thing, and we got to see Yankee Stadium. All in all, a complete success. And if I don't go back for another 5 or 6 years, that'll be fine by me.

When I was in college, I met Carrot Top. This was about 12 years ago, before he started working out like a freak. If there was a Carrot Top boom, it was right at the tail end of it.

My roommate, Tim (who actually preferred to be called Spoon. Do not ask me why. I have no idea.) had a brother that went to Western Michigan University. I guess Carrot Top had some cult following there or something, and Spoon's older brother (Ladle?) worked on the committee that brought Carrot Top to perform at the school. This got us free tickets to the show and allowed us back stage.

The show was everything you'd expect from Carrot Top. Just a bunch of prop gags for the most part. One thing that was particularly different than I'd seen from Carrot Top on TV was his use of sound effects and music clips throughout the show, all of which were coordinated with his "roadie" in the soundbooth and completely improvised.

After the show, Carrot Top, his roadie, the college entertainment committee (consisting of my roommate's brother and about 5 other peoole), my roommate and myself, went to a pub for dinner.

I should mention here, in case you didn't know, that Carrot Top's real name is Scott and he prefers that you call him that. Ironically, that didn't stop my roommate, Spoon, from calling him Carrot Top all night.

Through a lucky twist of fate, Spoon and I (the tagalongs) got seats close to Carrot Top at the table where we monopolized the conversation for most of the night. We were shooting the shit with Carrot Top. It was a little surreal. He was a nice enough guy.

During the conversation, we discussed the logistics of the show, and I mentioned how a lot of what his roadie did relied on precision timing and being able to pull up each sound clip in a split second. Roadie said something about learning to anticipate where a joke was going, to which Carrot Top said, "he's seen my show so many times that they're like a team" or something like that.

I said, "How long have you guys been together?"

Now, I certainly didn't mean to imply that they were ....TOGETHER.... I was just asking because they seemed to have good comedic chemistry. Their reactions were interesting, nonetheless.

"What? Together? Dude, We're not gay!"

Kinda defensive, aren't we, Scott?

I'm sure he's just working out because it's helps him carry around his trunk full of props.

I'm leaving for NY City here shortly. So in my absence*, Greg will be taking over the blogging duties around here until some time next week. And by "taking over the blogging duties", I mean "ignoring this place like the plague". He works in mysterious ways.

* That's one of those words that I constantly spell wrong. I think it should be "absense". Doesn't that make more sence? That's my two sents anyway.

But before I go, I'd like to share with you a list of some of the things I hope to do while in NY:

1. Go to Coney Island to eat a hot dog.
2. Steal the change from the cup of a homeless man.
3. Root for the Royals while at Yankee Stadium.
4. Find Mike Lupica and punch him in the throat.
5. Avoid the police after punching Mike Lupica in the throat.
6. Meet up with my pen pal at the top of the Empire State Building.
7. Swim in the east river (I have back problems).
8. Buy a pack of gum from Rupert G.
9. Befriend a homeless lady who feeds the birds in Central Park.
10. Take a lame touristy picture in front of a closed-down Studio 54.
11. Take a lame touristy and risque picture behind the bull on Wallstreet.
12. Check out the WTC progress.
13. Call my co-workers in the middle of the day to brag that I'm not at work.
14. Buy a fake Prada purse for Jill. I'm thinking a Proda or Pradda.
15. Buy an "I heart NY" t-shirt and get it signed by a celebrity.

I'm sure I won't have time for all of those, but some time next week I'll fill you in on what I did.

Until then..........

I don't need drinking games to have a good time, but it doesn't hurt. That's why I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get a head start on a really good one last night while watching the U.S. Mens gymnastic team*.

* Should it still be called "Mens" when none of them look older than 12?

Every time one of them stared into the camera and said "yeah baby" or "#1 baby, #1" or "that's what I'm talkin' 'bout", you take a drink. Tell me you wouldn't have been drunk midway through their 1st routine.

Yeah that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, Baby. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. This is our house. This is our house. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

/Congrats on the bronze medal, but kill me.

- I like it when NBC gives us the back-story of an Olympic athlete right before they show their event. It’s like they’re saying "here’s who we’re rooting for and you should be too."

- Headline seen on the front of ESPN.com: Favre runs penalty lap. If you want hard-hitting sports journalism, make sure you tune into ESPN.com. Word is Brett also deuced an 8-incher after lunch. Pretty impressive. Thanks ESPN!

- I leave for a mini-vacation to NYC on Thursday. I’ve never been to Yankee Stadium, but I've got tickets for the Saturday day game. I’m not saying I’m excited, but right now I’m twisting my nipples like the cajun guy from The Waterboy.

- That last one was just to get the 8-inch deuce image out of your head. I figured you’d rather picture my twisted nipples over Brett’s B.M.’s. Or maybe not.

- Tom Brady is dating Gisele Bündchen, right? So with so many celebrity couples having their names combined by the media like Bennifer and Brangelina, why haven’t we heard "The Brady Bündchen" yet? Tell me that doesn’t make sense.

- If you’ve seen that already, I apologize. But if you haven’t and you see it in the future, just remember where you saw it first.

- On that note, remember that you can't always get what you want. But if you bitch and moan the loudest, hopefully someone will punch you in the face.

What the hell?!?!

No seriously. What the bloody hell?!?!

No, no, forget the hell. What the bloody [bleep]?!?!

Do me a favor and click that link, then read the first sentence, then tell me what the [bleep]. I'm begging you. I need answers to the following questions:

1. What the hell?
2. What the bloody hell?
3. What the bloody fuck?
4. Seriously, what the [bleep]?
5. How?
7. When?
8. Why do I keep changing from [bleep] to fuck?
9. What happened to 6?
10. Is this for real?

I don't know who this Hugh Atkin guy is who put this video together, but I like his style. His video is 7 shades of brilliance.

Did you stay up last night and watch Michael Phelps Jason Lezak? I didn't. I turned it off after the 3rd leg. I was flipping between the Olympics and the Cubs game all night and every time I'd come back to NBC, I kept thinking I'd missed the relay. Then Bob Costas would say "coming up, the mens 4x100 meter relay, where Michael Phelps will try for his 2nd gold medal." All night long it went like that. Finally after 10pm it started. I didn't know the backstory so much other than that cocky French dude saying his team would destroy the Americans. The Americans with Michael Phelps? Nonsense. How do you beat a team with Michael Phelps?

That's about as much as I know about swimming.

And then the race started. Holy crap, the Americans aren't the best team. They're barely even the 2nd best team. They do have a black guy though; that's pretty cool. But what was the hype all about? Michael Phelps went 1st and by the time he was done, his team was in like 3rd or 4th. What a jip. I stayed up for this?!?

And then the 2nd guy went and he was pretty good. The Americans still weren't winning though.

And then the 3rd black guy went and he was good too. But still not good enough. By the time he was finished, his team was down by a full body-length. And as we all know from having watched countless hours of swimming, a full body-length lead in a 100m race might as well be half a pool length. So that's when I turned off the TV.

What place did the U.S. finally come in? Was it 2nd? Oh well. I guess there's always London in 2012 for Michael Phelps to get his 8 gold medals.

New information: "Blows his nose loudly" guy doubles as "farts loudly" guy. And all indications are that he clips his fingernails into his garbage can. Yeah that's like 3 for 3 right there. Thankfully he's a good 10 feet away with a wall divider, but we're definitely not starting off on the right foot. I promise this conversation just happened:
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Me [yelling over the wall]: "Was that real?"
Him [yelling back]: "Hells yeah it was real. We keeps things real around here."
Me: "Feels free to keeps things fake."
Him: "I gots 'em ripe, Bra."
Me: "I think I may hate you."
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I am so working from home more often.

Guy A: "Good work today."
Guy B: "Hey thanks."
Guy A: "I was being sarcastic."

Also, I moved to a new desk this morning on a different part of my floor. Which means: new neighbors. I've already got a handle on who's who. I've got a "90% of my phone calls are of the personal nature" guy, a "complain about the Bears even though it was the first preseason game" guy who is seeming to double as the "Cubs need another starter" guy, the "blows his nose really loudly" guy, the loud laugher, and the smoker. Oh yeah I got some winners.

Silver lining - lot's of new material to come. Woo Hoo!

Do you remember that person who was on that singing competition on Fox that I kept providing updates about? You know who I'm talking about, right? The girl who was on that singing competition on Fox a couple seasons ago with Randy, Paula, and Simon.

Okay so get this [part 1]: the last time I provided an update, it got back to her. She must google herself or something (which is why I'm not mentioning her by name right now), so she ended up reading it and then she sent me a scathing email asking where I got all that information about her. Then she told me to stop posting about her on this blog. I responded to her with one word: "sorry?" Yeah, I even used a question mark. I know, I could have been more clever. But I wasn't entirely sure it was even her. I thought it was maybe one of you messing with me by creating a fake email address.

Okay so get this [part 2]: well it turns out it really was her. How do I know? Because since that first email I got from her, I've received maybe a half-dozen more keeping me up to date with what's going on in her life. Yeah, she added me to her distribution list. A distribution list that includes other former contestants from that show on Fox. So now every time she does something or goes somewhere or meets someone, I (and 15 or 20 other people) get an email telling me about it. You wouldn't believe some of the email addresses I have now. It's pretty funny [a few examples: the runner-up from season 1 (J.G.), the 10th place guy (C.S.) and 8th place girl (H.S.) from season 6, and a certain Oscar winner].

I haven't been told anything real juicy yet, but when I do, I'll be sure to post it here. Maybe. I don't want to get yelled at again.

From FJM:
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Is there anything more boring, in all of sports, than the Brett Favre saga?
Anything?
Some candidates:
1. Watching the second quarter of an NBA preseason game in slow motion.
2. Watching NASCAR qualifying through your neighbor's window, using the wrong end of a pair of binoculars.
3. A press conference where the Minnesota Wild announce the hiring of a new assistant trainer, and the mics don't work.
4. Reading Peter King's thoughts on Starbucks.
5. SportsCenter. (N.B. may not count as "sports.")
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Excellent

I need some ideas for how to dress at work tomorrow. We're having a party to celebrate anniversaries within the company (mine included), but the party has a theme: everyone must dress like the era of their teenage years. It shouldn't be hard for people of the 60's, 70's, or 80's, but I got the 90's. Short of shaving the Nike symbol into the back of my head, I'm not sure what to do. I'm French rolling my jeans, but I need more.

Ideas?

Over the weekend, I tuned in to a total of 5 minutes of White Sox games. They played 3 games over the course of 7 or 8 hours, and grand total I watched 5 minutes of it. And it was awesome. Remember, I'm a guy who has seen or listened to a portion of just about every White Sox game for the past 10 or 15 years. Over the weekend, I simply stopped watching. I couldn't take it anymore. It's not that I'm no longer a fan, but they're just not fun anymore. Every other day, they're in the news for something that isn't good. Whether it's Ozzie in a fake feud with an opposing pitcher who sucks or Kenny saying they get no respect in Chicago or Brian Anderson licking food off of Octavio Dotel's foot [real] or Joe Crede injuring his back or Ozzie in a fake feud with an opposing catcher who sucks or Kenny saying they get no respect in Chicago or Ozzie and Hawk in a fake feud with a newspaper columnist who sucks or the whole team complaining that they get no respect in Chicago; it's all so tiring. You know?

I realize that people who play sports for a living usually aren't the brightest people in the world. I don't expect them to be. They've never really had to be good at anything other than the sport that they play, so I get it. But some of the comments that come from the people associated with this team on what seems like a daily basis, I just shake my head and wonder. They just have a way of sucking the fun out of enjoying baseball. And the thing about them is that they're good. Well relative to what I expected them to be and relative to the division they play in. I really didn't have high hopes this year. I figured them for 80 to 85 wins, but 10 games or so behind the Indians or Tigers. Right now they're in 2nd place, 1/2 game behind the Twins. And yet they're still not fun, at least to me.

I never thought I'd say this, especially about a White Sox team that has a chance to make it to the playoffs this late into the season, but I couldn't care less what happens from here [hyperbole]. Win, lose, I really don't care [more]. And to be honest, I can't wait to enjoy the rest of my summer without them [true].

To be fair, talk to me in October if they're in the playoffs. And forget I mentioned all this.

Remember the simpler times when you'd take your date for a walk on the beach and then stand on the edge of a cliff and sing to her in the breeze while wearing a gay white jacket tucked into your gay white pants? I miss those days.

Follow-up note from Brian: the 3:14 through 3:16 mark of this video may be the gayest thing ever filmed that didn't involve a man's penis entering a man's butt or a running race between Rocky and Apollo. Enjoy.

h/t The Donald (Yes, The Donald sent me this)

This story sounds familiar:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A family going on a European vacation forgot their 3-year-old daughter at the airport. The couple and their 5 children were late for a charter flight to Paris and made a mad dash to the gate. In the confusion, one of their daughters got lost and was left behind. The parents didn't realize they were missing one of their kids until the plane had already taken off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'd say these parents are now the frontrunners for the Parents of the Year Award, if an award like that exists and is given out ironically or sarcastically.

NOTE: That story sounds familiar to you because it's the plotline to Weekend at Bernie's Part 2.

Seeing as how it's Friday afternoon and I'm just about out of this beeyotch 'til Monday, I will leave you with just one thought before I head out: everything that Alanis sang about in her song were indeed perfect examples of irony. You no longer have to feel guilty for liking that song. Rainy wedding? Irony. Free ride after paying? Ironee. Good advice you ignored? I Runee. You're fine. Don't worry about it. Have a good weekend.

I feel better. Don't you?

Jill: "What time is it?"
Me: "10:30."
Jill: "At night?"
Me: "Yes."
Jill: "I thought it was morning."
Me: "No, you were asleep for 5 minutes."
Jill: "Oh."
Me: "Are you really awake right now?"
Jill: "Yes."
Me: "What's my middle name?"
Jill: "Brian."

Close.
Don't you just love NyQuil?

"Oh man he a busta. He a skeeza. Man that guy a busta. He's a creepy skeeza."

/I'd so hate to be that guy right now.

If only this was 1993.

The next person that says the phrase "instant messenging" to me is getting their head amputated. It's instant MESSAGING, not MESSENGING!

When was the last time you rode the bus to work? I have a pretty graphic story here that will surely remind you to not fall asleep the next time you're on one. Just a warning, this is pretty horrific. Click HERE

via TBL

Ordered lemonade, got Sprite, not in the mood.

/Lame.

The Angels just traded for 1B Mark Teixeira of the Braves. Teixeira is one of the best 1st basemen in baseball, so adding him to a team that already had the best record in baseball seems kind of unfair. But that's not the reason for this post. No, the reason for this post is because of ESPN. Yeah, again. You see right now they have a goofy graphic on the right side of the link about the trade that says "Mark Teixeira's 2008 numbers are better than all of the Angels' first basemen combined." Then it lists all the stats where Teixeira has done better so far this year. But do you see the fault in including a graphic like that? See what they did was they used the word "combined" to imply that Mark Teixeira is better by himself than multiple people put together. Okay maybe, but all it really means is that Mark Teixeira plays every day and is good, while the current pupu platter of Angels 1st basemen do not necessarily play every day and are not as good. So let's see, there's Casey Kotchman, who is part of the trade and headed to Atlanta. Who else? Yeah, who the fuck knows? Rob Quinlan maybe?

My point - OF COURSE HE'S BETTER THAN ALL OF THE ANGELS' FIRST BASEMEN COMBINED. THAT'S WHY THE ANGELS MADE THE BLOODY TRADE!!!!!! If his stats were less than all of the Angels 1st basemen combined, they wouldn't have wanted him. Or needed him. Or TRADED FOR HIM!

This seems like nit-picking, but I hope you understand what's happening here. They included a completely pointless graphic. Stuff like this just irritates me.

Okay I'm done for the day. Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday.

- I don’t like email forwards. I usually stop reading them halfway through, if I open them at all. But I have to admit, the "FAIL" pictures make me laugh every time.

- You know those automated parking garages that give you a time-stamped ticket when you enter so that they can charge you based on how long you were parked there? Okay so what’s to stop someone from parking there all day, but then walking through the ticket line again right before they leave and helping themselves to a brand new ticket? Is this a loophole that only I have thought of? There must be something I’m missing. Maybe the ticket machine won’t work if there isn’t the weight of a car stopped there. Anybody want to test it?

- I was watching the White Sox/Tiger game over the weekend and WGN was doing that thing they do where they pan the crowd during a lull. I couldn’t help but notice that every female in the stands was good looking. And some were extraordinarily good looking. Is this a Detroit thing that I wasn’t aware of?

- I don’t mind Miracle Whip. Using it instead of real mayonnaise is okay by me. I didn’t know this said something about me as a person, but apparently it does, so there you go. If you would have asked me, Miracle Whip IS mayonnaise. Whatevah the f### evah.

- Oh and I know I mentioned this once before, but ketchup on hot dogs and brats tastes good. I am still not apologizing for it.

- Yesterday’s headline: "Stocks plunge on consumer news, oil prices". Today’s headline: "Stocks surge on consumer news, oil prices". Fuck this shit, I give up.

- Hey, have you noticed that since the housing market crapped the bed, we haven’t heard much about Iraq or Afghanistan or Israel/Palestine? When was the last time you read about a suicide bomber? Are they not happening anymore or is it just not being reported?

- On that note, remember that a penny saved is a penny earned, but a penny earned means you need a new job.

Actual conversation at Subway...

Me: I'd like a 12-inch BMT on white.
Sandwich Artist: 12-inch? You mean a footlong?
Me: Yes, there are 12 inches in a foot.

Here is NFL scout Kevin Seifert's take on the Chicago Bears' passing game this year. Just as a reminder, the Bears are going with Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman as choices 1 and 1A again this year. I'd make a joke there, but I don't think I'm funny enough.

There is an old saying about NFL personnel competitions: If you think you have two starters, you probably don't have one. Both Grossman and Orton have been benched during their careers with the Bears -- Grossman as recently as 2007. He threw 27 interceptions in his past 24 games, and his gunslinger mentality hurt the Bears as much as it helped them. Grossman followed several strong-armed throws with interceptions thrown into double coverage, while Orton appeared crisp on one play, but would launch a wobbly duck toward the sideline on the next.

Never fear though. After all, the Bears offense is one that "gets off the bus running", whatever that means. So if they're a running football team, surely their RB's should be good. Let's see what Kevin Seifert's take on the Chicago Bears' three running backs is this year (Matt Forte, the bad Adrian Peterson, and Kevin Jones).

Forte has a gliding style that makes him hard to tackle, even though at 6-foot-2 he appears to run dangerously upright. Veteran Adrian Peterson opened training camp working with the first team, but it seems only a matter of time before Forte takes over that role. Veteran Kevin Jones, signed earlier this month, is on the physically unable to perform list (knee) and might not be ready to play when the regular season begins.

I must admit, they've got me pumped.

One of the acronyms I come across almost daily in my job is FOC (Firm Order Confirmation). Every once in a while, someone will use it in a sentence in a way that can't help but make me giggle. You know, 'cause I'm 12.

-I am still looking for a FOC from Brian.
-I have not received a FOC from Brian.
-Once I get a FOC from Brian, I will let you know.
-It's been two weeks since I requested a FOC from Brian, but I have yet to receive it.
-What the FOC, Brian?
-FOC this shit.

Some people are less subtle than others.

One pair of frosted Lee jeans: $4 (adjusted for 80's prices)
Pair of black socks: $8
Proving that Friday jean day in the office isn't always a good thing: Priceless

NOTE: Sorry for the lame MasterCard play.

From this article:
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A man took offense to a motorist, who, after getting him to roll down his window, asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?" After hearing the request for Dijon mustard, the 22-year-old driver pulled a black handgun from his glove compartment, cocked the weapon and pointed it at the three people in the other car.

"Here's your Grey Poupon, roll your [expletive] windows up," he responded.

The confrontation happened June 18 at the intersection of 900 East and Winchester Street (6500 South) in Murray, court documents state. One of the three people in the car wrote down the sport utility vehicle's license plate number. Murray police later located the man, who admitted he pulled out the gun, racked the slide and threaten the other car. He was charged Tuesday with aggravated assault, a third-degree felony.
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Arrested Man: "Your Honor, they were referencing a bit of pop culture from nearly 20 years ago. They deserved to have a gun pulled on them, if not be shot at."

Judge: "Excellent point. Case dismissed."