1 Happy St

If you're wondering how my friends and I celebrated New Years Eve, look no further. I videotaped our entire evening. I bet your celebration didn't "top that".

Every year around this time, people will say things like "It just doesn't feel like Christmas yet to me" or "I'm just not in the spirit yet". I'm not sure what that means though. They complain that they used to be in the spirit all month, but I'm not buying it. If it's a yearly complaint, maybe they're just remembering it wrong on how it used to be.

Either way, I'm here to help. If this video doesn't get you in the spirit, nothing will (short of Cousin Eddie kidnapping your boss).

No need to thank me. Hearing you hum it later is thanks enough.

I guess this has been out for a while, but I just saw the commercial for the first time a few days ago. It's monopoly with a friggin debit card. Um, we don't accept cash here, but we accept all major credit cards and/or debits. Also, that property you bought at the beginning of the game has dropped in value by 50% while your taxes have gone up, so you just defaulted on your mortgage. WAAAA waaaa! To help pay your bills, you tried to rob the convenient store at the corner but you got caught and now you're in jail. Oops. Too bad there's no longer any get out of jail free cards. No, if you want to get out of jail, you'll have to over-spend for hot-shot lawyer or get a Presidential pardon. It's Monopoly 2008-style! Woo hoo!

What will they think up next? Nobody says "sorry" anymore, so can they change the name of that game to something like "I'm sorry if anyone happened to be offended"? How about instead of "Chutes and Ladders", we have "Chutes and Elevators"? A kid today isn't gonna climb a ladder. And what the fuck is a chute for that matter? Just call it Elevators and Slides.

Candyland? Can we change Candyland? I guess not much has changed with candy except for maybe gum drops. I don't think I've ever eaten a gum drop, so I doubt kids today are eating them. Okay fine, gum drops will change to chewy sweet tarts. Mmm, chewy sweet tarts.

Producer: Do you think we should...oh I don't know...maybe move down a few feet?
Sarah: Nonsense. This is fine.
Producer: Really? 'Cause I gotta say, this feels like a bad idea. I don't really see the value of shooting it from here. Also...and again this is just me throwing this out there...but uh, well there could be kids watching this.
Sarah: Well it could be educational.
Producer: Yeah but it could also get pretty graphic. Honestly, I'd feel more comfortable if we just moved down a bit.
Sarah: Just shoot the son-bitch.
Producer: Fair enough. In 5, 4, 3, 2......

Gee, I wonder where they got this idea.

Bastards.

Via here: John McCain and Barack Obama will be interviewed by [gulp] Chris Berman on Monday. Those interviews will air at halftime of the MNF game on ESPN and will "give both candidates a last major chance to appeal to Americans during a coveted spot on prime-time television."

Oy.

For fun, I am going to predict how those interviews will go based on fairly obvious and unfunny characterizations of all 3 guys. Why am I doing this? Hey don't ask questions. Here we go:

Chris: "I'm being joined now by John McCain and Abel and Barack Olabama Crimson Tide. Thanks for joining me Gentlemen."

McCain: "The pleasure is all mine, my friend."

Barack: "I'm a socialist."

Okay I gave up. I was going to do a whole thing there, but I ended up working through lunch today and I just didn't have time. I never even came up with anything for Obama to say, so I just went with 'I'm a socialist'. Whatev's. I debated even publishing this, but it's here, so I said screw it. Feel free to predict the rest of the conversation if you'd like and post it in the comments.

And since I don't want to leave you here empty-handed, click the play button on the youtube clip below for a totally underrated 1990's song that you're sure to enjoy.

Those crazy Brits with their peeing dolls, creepy dads, and...never mind. Just watch.

All of us that sit within a 20 foot radius heard you during that 10 minute personal call that you just had with your spouse. You weren't quiet about it. In fact you were quite loud, almost as if you wanted all of your co-workers to know about your personal business. Well we didn't. And we certainly didn't need you to fill us in after you hung up. That was just awkward. For Everyone. Trust me. So can you do me a favor and click that arrow on the box above?

Thanks.

I'll leave it to Ken Tremendous for the follow-up after watching that video:

"You want to rephrase that, Matt?"

"Yes, I do. Ahem. When you get that nice celebration coming in the dugout, and you're getting your weiner diddled by the guys--"

"Okay, thanks. That's enough."

This is the greatest 4 minutes in cinematic history. I will not dispute this.

God Bless you, Rachael Ray. You dirty girl, you.

h/t Extra Mustard

I don't know who this Hugh Atkin guy is who put this video together, but I like his style. His video is 7 shades of brilliance.

This is a commercial for a Chevy dealer in Wisconsin. It must be all the raw footage because it's over 2 minutes long. But the fact that so many people were involved in the production of this thing makes me all giddy. It gets good at about the 1:07 mark. And by "good", I mean wickedly embarrassing (this poor girl). And by "wickedly embarrassing", I mean horribly fucking wickedly embarrassing while running out of adverbs and adjectives with a capital holy fuck retarded.

Watching this is kind of like watching a wedding reception with only white people. No, it's like a watching a wedding reception with only white people who are in their 30's and 40's and are all married and think they're still cool from back in their H.S. days but it turns out they're not anymore, if they ever were to begin with. No, it's like watching a wedding reception with only white people who are in their 30's and 40's and are all married and think they're still cool from back in their H.S. days but it turns out they're not anymore, if they ever were to begin with, but unfortunately, just days before the wedding, they all unknowingly participated in some kind of scientific experiment where they were subjected to dangerous levels of nerve gas. Yeah, it's like that.

Crazy white people and their nerve gas.

h/t EM

I'm so glad that Disney is finally coming out with a movie that I want to see.

Also, every Disney executive should be shot.

Also, I'm serious.

Shot dead.

Murdered.

Too far?

No.

Bloody assassinated.

I can't wait for this movie.

Drink Sprite.

Molly wants you to know about this. I'm excited if only because there's a character on the show named Dixon Mills. Why they didn't make his last name Cider, I will never understand. Then again, if there's another character on the show named Mills, then it still works so count me in. And yes, I'm that easy to please. That's what SHE said.

This video (h/t Extra Mustard) made me LOL like 3 or 4 times. Bravo to these guys whomever they are. Sometimes I wish I had an editing machine. And a camera. And friends who wouldn't mind being in a low-budget video. And a funny idea. Thank goodness for youtube.

Also courtesy of Extra Mustard comes this. I believe this could be reason #1 why I will never set foot in any part of Asia. That and dysentery.

I really have no problem with them making a video for this song (as terrible as it is)... But why did they have to bring Abraham Lincoln into it? Let the poor guy rest in peace!

I thought about getting my mom flowers for Mother's Day this year, but i think she'll like this even more than roses.


Treat her right
Treat your mother right
Treat her right
Treat her right

Mother
There is no other
Like Mother
So treat Her right
Mother
I always Love Her
My Mother
So treat Her right, treat Her right


M is for the moan, and the miserable groan
from the pain that She felt when I was born

O is for the oven with it's burnin' heat
where She stood makin' sure I had something to eat

T is for the time that She stayed up at night
and took my temperature when I wasn't feelin' right

H is for the hard earned money She spent
to keep clothes on my back and try to pay da' rent

E is every wrinkle I put on Her face
and every worry that I caused when I stayed out late

The last letter R is that She taught me Respect
and for the room up in Heaven that I know She'll get

She's a Queen
Second to none
Take care of Mother
You only get one