1 Happy St

[It's been suggested that the picture previously shown in this space would prevent me from ever becoming the President. I disagree, but I also think it couldn't help. I'm not saying I have aspirations to one day be the President, but I also can't say for certain that I won't want to in the future. So the picture leaves us. Sorry. If you have any specific questions about my weekend, email me and I'll be happy to answer them*].

* Not true.

Mine was okay.

Yesterday was my brother-in-law Tom's 21st birthday. I always find our obsession with getting drunk on our 21st birthday's kind of funny since the people who make a big deal out of it have probably been drinking heavily since they were 16. I'm sure Tom fits nicely into this description, but Jill and I wanted to show him a good time anyway. And we did. I think. I'm sure he's still sleeping it off right now as I type this.

My main problem with showing this particular 21-year-old a good time on his 21st birthday though is that he had the foresight to take off of work today while I did not. I am so wicked dragging right now. Going to bed at 2am after a handful of Jagerbombs and a half-dozen Jack Daniels/Coke concoctions would normally keep me out of commission for a day or so. So when my alarm started sounding only 4 hours after I set it, I think I started cursing at it. I'm not even sure how I made it into work because I have no recollection of the drive. I remember it being 6am. Then I remember it being almost 8 and I was at work. What the frig happened to those 2 hours? I have no idea. I do know that Jagerbombs are probably no longer on my list of things I can drink though. I'm 29, I rarely [if ever] use any kind of haircare products, I don't pick fights with strangers, and I don't show off my pectoral muscles [although this has nothing to do with not wanting to], so I think it's time to hang up my Jager usage. It's a silly drink for silly individuals, and I think I've reached a point in my life where I'm no longer silly. If you know what I mean. So goodbye Jager. It was a fun ride.

So this morning I was standing at one of the urinals in the men's bathroom, trying to rid my body of that liquid headache. I overheard a co-worker whom we'll call Sampson (for no reason) start to open the bathroom door, but he was still mid-conversation with another co-worker of mine whom we'll call Outside-The-Bathroom Guy (because I couldn't tell who he was based on his voice and he was standing outside the bathroom), so Sampson didn't enter the bathroom right away. He kind of just stood there in the doorway while he talked with OTBG. I knew it was Sampson without even turning around because Sampson has a very distinguishable voice. I mean you can't mistake Sampson. You just can't. He's Sampson. So anyway, his conversation went on with OTBG for a good 30 seconds, but I could tell that he was anxious. He had to attend to something. So he cut off OTBG mid-sentence, then took a brisk walk to the last stall. Why am I telling you this? I have no idea. Why am I asking myself questions and then answering them myself? Because it's annoying and I'm in that kind of mood. But let's move on because this story may have a point.

So Sampson reached the last stall and began dropping bombs like nobody's business (except mine....and well yours now). Little kids were ducking for cover. Well I was, since it was only Sampson and me in there. But then the bombs stopped. All of a sudden like that. It was a quick 5-second burst and then nothing. I then heard a quick spin of the TP, then he was standing and flushing. He was at the sink within like 25 seconds from the time he started. And I was still at the urinal! Who can do all that in 25 seconds? Sampson may need a new nickname. Like Batman or something. Or Quicksilver. Yeah, Quicksilver sounds good.

Sweet. Sampson has a new nickname. I knew this story had a point.

According to this study, college students who play drinking games at parties tend to drink more alcohol than college students who don't play drinking games at parties.

Translation: students who like to do keg stands and play beer pong and quarters tend to drink more alcohol than kids who don't like to do keg stands and play beer pong and quarters. Do college kids still play quarters? Wait, do they still do keg stands? I sure hope so. Keg stands were awesome. I remember one time I did a keg stand for like 20 seconds and then I couldn't hold myself up anymore so then I fell and hit my face on the keg. Or I think that happened. Maybe that wasn't even me. Well it happened to somebody at this party that I went to a long time ago. Or maybe it was a party I had heard about. It probably wasn't even 20 seconds. And they didn't fall. Where was I?

Oh. Another translation: kids who drink the most at the party get more drunk. More drunker. More drunkerreer. Thirsrter.

I think the people who conducted this study were drunk. Drunkerer. I'm drunk.

If you're Paris Hilton and you're trying to clean up your party-girl image through philanthropy, which cause do you take up? I know. Drunken Indian elephants.

To be fair, this is actually nice of her. Someone needs to raise awareness of drunken Indian elephants, so why not Paris? The situation has been out of control for far too long.

But I love this quote within the article from Sangeeta Goswami, head of animal rights group People for Animals: "I am indeed happy Hilton has taken note of recent incidents of wild elephants in northeast India going berserk after drinking homemade rice beer and getting killed."

It's like Sangeeta knew I would need a ridiculously long and detailed quote for this blog. Let's hope they all keep up the good work. And if you're looking for a good holiday donation, be sure to check out
www.takingnoteofrecentincidentsofwildelephantsinnortheastindiagoingberserk.com/

Oh, it doesn't exist? Well it should.

Amanda Lynn Bailey (41) of Florida was arrested on charges of drunken driving for the second time since April. Normally this story wouldn't be worth mentioning, but she was photographed in her mugshot wearing the best T-Shirt of all time ----------------------------------->

Did you all read about this guy? Apparently he showed up piss drunk to his own wedding, so the bride-to-be's family chased him from the ceremony. But rather than canceling the day, the wedding proceeded with a different groom as Drunk Guy's lil' brother stepped up to the plate.

There's too many punchlines to use following this story, so I'll leave it up to you. Your choices are:

A. That's all he did? Isn't every groom drunk at his wedding?

B. Gives new meaning to the term 'Best Man'.

C. I'm not surprised, you don't wanna lose the deposit on the band.

Please feel free to come up with one of your own as the possibilities seem endless.

Comic genius comes in all sizes.