1 Happy St

One thought crossed my mind as I looked at the thermometer on my dashboard that was showing -18: it could be 50 degrees warmer and it would still be freezing. Pretty cool.

Once it gets down to -18, does it really matter if it gets any colder? Like would I be able to tell the difference between -18 and -35? Maybe. But either way I'm staying inside as much as possible. The only thing that should change is my gas bill. So I'm rooting for colder. I wanna break records.

I'm bored with hurricanes. Am I really supposed to care about every single one? I can understand paying attention to the ones that hit a little closer to home like Katrina or Hugo or Andrew, but there are a bunch of hurricanes a year. There has to be some sort of criteria to merit 24-hour non-stop cable news coverage.

Nothing against Honduras, but I really couldn't care less. I don't know anyone in Honduras. I don't even know anyone that's ever been to Honduras. If you gave me a map (because, like most Americans, I don't have access to maps), chances are I would not be able to show you where Honduras is. I've only got so much sympathy to give and right now, it's all tied up in feeling sorry for people that watch Rock of Love with Brett Michaels.

I also feel like the only reason cable news companies even care to cover hurricanes is so they can have one of their shmuck reporters out there in the wind and rain. I mean, who wouldn't tune in to watch Anderson Cooper get hit with a piece of aluminum siding and palm branches?

I guess I just don't get it. I feel like today's Hurricanes are all named Rodriguez to me. Ok, this whole blog just came out wrong. I'm stopping.

According to this story, humans are using too much of the Sun. It will be reported today in a study published by European scientists, that humans use up almost a quarter of the sun's energy captured by plants, the most of any species. The researchers said the findings showed humans were using "a remarkable share" of the earth's plant productivity "to meet the needs and wants of one species".

What amazes me is that they needed a study to find this out! Are these the same scientists that recently reported that humans are responsible for a sizable majority of the world's automobile production? Were they expecting that other species were going to be responsible for the earth's plant productivity? Are there farms being run by orangutans somewhere that I've never heard about?

And I'm sorry, we're talking about the SUN right? Are we worried that we're wasting the Sun? Is there a Sun shortage? I don't understand what the point of this story is other than to blame humans for something else. There seems to be a large movement of people that are just ANTI-people. They want to blame people for everything wrong on Earth and as far as they're concerned, there's not a problem in the world, be it earthquakes or tsunamis or volcanoes or tornadoes or hurricanes or Ryan Seacrest, that can't be fixed with granola.

This has been the "We're All Doomed!" for Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007.

(oh and Happy Fourth of July Eve!)

- Every day, our weather forecasters tell us what the temperature is, as well as what it "feels like" outside due to the wind-chill. But does it strike anyone else as kind of odd that a meteorologist (who uses scientific methods and data to calculate weather) would give us a number that is so unscientific when it comes to actual temperature? It strikes me as odd because temperature is a real value while wind-chill is just an abstract idea. Or is it? Do these people really know what it "feels like" outside? Better question – would I feel a difference between a wind-chilled temperature of 10 degrees versus an actual temperature of a windless 10 degrees? Even better question than that – am I the only person in the world who cares, or even thinks about things like this? Personally, I prefer a more time-honored method of checking the weather. I go outside. Yup, it's still cold.

- Speaking of the weather, have you ever noticed that 50 degrees is a lot different depending on what part of the year we're at? When it's 50 degrees in September, people are practically outside wearing snow pants. But when it's 50 degrees in February, people are outside in short-sleaves. Guys with convertibles are putting the top down. You gotta love February.

- Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan broke up three months ago. Now comes word that Bridget is three-months pregnant with Tom’s child. Talk about break-up sex gone wrong.

- Why do some drive-thru restaurants offer you free food if they forget to include a receipt with your order? That seems like an odd thing to grade their employees on. I’d much rather they concentrate on getting my order correct.

- It's gotta suck to be a woman. You put up with football for 5 months, you get a 1-month break while we catch up on what we missed in the NBA, and then before you know it, pitchers and catchers have begun to report. I think you'd all be better off if you simply started liking sports.

- I’m not jealous of people who live in warm-weather climates. Today, I sit here with buff arms from shoveling thousands of pounds of snow while they’re all fat and flabby from sitting on their front porches drinking beer. So there.

- Quote from Bears coach Lovie Smith: "The reality is we're 10-2. We just won the division with Rex [Grossman] at quarterback, so that's what I go on." Okay, so I’m confused: does he realize they did the same thing with Kyle Orton last year?

- I’d be satisfied if I never again have to see the Volkswagen Jetta commercial with that horrific collision at the end.

- Speaking of commercials, do you think the guy in the "this is our coffee break" portion of the Chevy ad got fired for sleeping on the job?

- People talk about computers today the same way they talked about cars in the 1960’s and 70’s. "Man, this thing is fast. It’s got 2 processing cores with a 2.0 GHz processor speed per core, we’re talking about some #### muscle."

- Maybe Rex Grossman had the Vikings defense on his fantasy team. You ever think of that?

- Any time you can keep a one-loss team out of the championship game because they lost to the top-ranked team by 3 on the top-ranked team’s home field, you gotta do it.

- I would have thought that the person who invented the plug-in candle was an idiot. But it turns out they’re a genius.

- If I put "annoying and unfunny" on my resume’, would the producers of The View be interested in me as a potential co-host?

- I saw Ben Wallace up close and in person on Saturday night. He looks like Dennis Rodman on offense and Eddy Curry on defense. This is going to end badly.

- Every couple weeks, my bed gets a new pillow. But I never lose one of the old one’s. How long can this continue?