1 Happy St

Before you leave for the weekend, I'd like for you to read something. Now it'll only be funny if you're a Lions fan. Wait, no. It'll only be funny if you're a football fan. If you're a Lions fan, it'll be tragic. Enjoy.

Try to pick a favorite part. Could it be where Millen says "what we're doing is the right thing to do"? Yeah that's good. But for my money, the best part is where Millen says that he believes in coach Rod Marinelli because "he's consistent". Excellent.

Matt Millen is the gift that keeps on giving. Unless you're a Lions fan. Then he's 8 straight years of getting kicked in the nuts.

Him: "See that's why I like you 'cause you always agree with me."
Me: "No I don't."
Him: "Yes you do."
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I don't think he got it.

I have tickets to the Cubs game tomorrow. And I'm going. And they have a chance to clinch. If they do, watch for me on the field afterwards celebrating. I'm trying to outdo Jimmy Fallon in 2004 as the most ridiculous on-field celebration in baseball history.

I figure I have two options: I could be "that guy" and wear my White Sox gear. Or I could embrace and participate in the drunken buffoonery with my fellow Chicagoans while pretending that I'm somewhere else. I'm choosing the 2nd option. So tomorrow, in my head I'll be sitting at a poker table in Vegas or something while cocktail waitresses bring me a continuous supply of Jack Daniels/Coke concoctions. You can't beat that really. So whenever a Cubs player gets a HR and the crowd roars, in my head I will have just beaten my opponent's ace/king suited. And every time a Cubs pitcher gets a strikeout, in my head I will have just layed down a monster while avoiding my opponent's made hand. And when Vince Vaughn is singing the 7th inning stretch, in my head I'll be.....well I guess I'll be singing along with him because that's friggin cool. I mean it's Vince Vaughn. But then when the Cubs finally clinch and I'm on the infield celebrating with Mark DeRosa, in my head I'll be cashing in a stack of chips or outside lounging by the pool.

Oh it's gonna be sweet.

William Yuan, a seventh-grader from Portland, OR, developed a 3-dimensional solar cell that absorbs UV as well as visible light. The combination of the two might greatly improve cell efficiency. William's project earned him a $25,000 scholarship and a trip to the Library of Congress to accept the award, which is usually given out for research at the graduate level.

William, your thoughts?

Well, "current solar cells are flat and can only absorb visible light. [What I did was] I came up with an innovative solar cell that absorbs both visible and UV light. My project focused on finding the optimum solar cell to further increase the light absorption and efficiency and design a nanotube for light-electricity conversion efficiency."

Ah, interesting. Actually, I still don't even understand what it is you developed. So I can go outside without a shirt on now?

"You're an idiot."

Fair enough.

Doesn't that girl up there look like Claire from Lost? Oh you don't watch Lost? What's wrong with you; it's the best show on TV. Well trust me when I say she looks like Claire from Lost.

Okay now click here. No just trust me. I'm not being bossy, it's gonna be worth it. But when you get there, make sure to read the caption. Oh, and good luck with your puke.

On my way into work, I was 2nd in line waiting at a red light. The light turned green, but there were still a few cars in the intersection, so we couldn't move yet. The impatient son-bitch behind us starting laying on his horn to get us to go, but there was nothing we could do. It was one of those long drawn out "beeeeeeeeeeeeeps" too, but there was nowhere we could go though so it was pretty pointless. After about 5 or 10 seconds, the intersection cleared and we started driving. As I was driving, I pulled around the guy who had been in front of me at the red light. I looked over at him and he was giving me the finger and mouthing some of the words that Ozzie Guillen uses when he talks to the media. Wait, WHAT?!? That wasn't me. I wasn't the beeper. It was the guy behind me.

There was no telling that to this guy though. His window was rolled up. So I got someone else's middle finger and curse words.

Bad start to Thursday.

Sometimes Fox News outdoes itself. Solid journalism right here. Oh wait, it's from the UK Sun. Well whatever, just a terrific get from whomever is responsible. That is not sarcasm; I mean it in all sincerity.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eva Mendes has confessed to having sex in every state in America, the U.K.'s Sun reports ... but not with 50 different men.

"I've had sex in all 50 states. A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger," the actress, who is currently appearing in "The Women," reportedly said.

Of all 50 states, Mendes' fondest memories are of Arizona and Colorado.

"Maybe it was the clear air, or the quiet, or the endless sky. Whatever it was, it was really, really good," she reportedly said.

"But as for Alaska — I’d really like a do-over on that state", she added, according to the Sun.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let's say you know you're the guy from Arizona or Colorado; how great is your day today after reading something like that. I'd say it's the complete opposite feeling as the guy from Alaska. Then again he did have sex with Eva Mendes.

Over the last decade, porn sites would get more hits than any other kind of site on the Internet. Today though, we still click on porn sites quite a bit, but it's no longer the most-viewed. Nope, it seems that social networking sites like Myspace and Facebook have overtaken porn as the most viewed web sites on the Internet.

2000 version of us: "I'd really like to look at a boob. Hey, there's one; on my computer. I love my computer. It lets me look at a boob whenever I want. God Bless the Internet."

2008 version of us: "I'm kinda sick of looking at that boob. I wish I knew what happened to that kid who moved away when I was in 3rd grade. Hey, there he is; he's a lawyer in D.C. and has 2 kids. Wow, he still looks the same. God Bless the Internet."
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Good to see we're evolving.

If you have $100,000 or less stored away in a bank account, the FDIC will insure every penny of it. I think this was a program that was put in place back in the 1940's to give the American public the perception that if they put their money in a bank, some yahoo who works at that bank wouldn't lose it all with a poor investment like dying cattle or something. It was a good program then, and is a good program now.

Ah but guess what? That FDIC fund has roughly $50 billion to insure about $1 trillion in assets.

Just to be clear, $1 trillion > $50 billion.

Uh oh.
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They'll never close us up today......5-4-3-2-1 BINGO!

Here is a couple pictures of the football field where Brian and I went to high school. Apparently there was a flood. Too bad September only has 30 days... (sorry, that's an incredibly inside joke)

"That's not what she said."
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Yeah, it sounded weird.

Ok. I'm officially a horrible person. This story cracked me up.

Soon after the lights went down, a source tells us, "a man in the audience started yelling, 'Don't touch me!' People looked around and shrugged. Ten minutes later, the voice yells again, 'I said don't touch me!'"

Again, people shrugged off the disturbance. But a few minutes later, says our source, "the guy stands up in the darkness and thwacks the guy behind him with a big festival binder. He hit him so hard everybody could hear it. Everyone freaked out and turned around."

Poor defenseless Roger Ebert got bitch slapped for tapping another film critic at a recent movie screening.

Apparently Ebert, who has suffered bouts of cancer that have rendered him unable to speak, was tapping the guy in front of him to move his humungus melon so Ebert could see the screen. The guy turns around and clocks Ebert with a Trapper Keeper. Dude hasn't apologized either.

Several questions...
Ebert isn't deaf. He heard the guy say "Don't touch me!" So why did he keep touching him?
Secondly, wasn't anyone else there with Ebert that could have told Big Head to move?
And why couldn't Ebert just slip the guy a note or something.. "Please move your head, I can't see the screen. Love, Roger."

"I SAID STOP WRITING ME NOTES!!!!!"

- I can't wait until baseball is over. I mean it's okay, but I'd much rather watch football. I was glad when Eli won last year. Or was that his brother?

My inner thoughts: It was the Giants, actually.

- Portillo's makes a great chopped salad, but Panera makes a salad that's even better. I can't remember the name of it. When you go there, can you call me and read off the menu?

- I know they say we should eat 3 meals a day, but you can't tell me you won't gain weight doing that. I stick to 2 meals. If I eat 3, I feel fat all week.

- I wouldn't say I'm fat, but I'd like to lose 5 pounds. That's all I want. Just 5 pounds.

- (Talking to me now) What do you think? 5 pounds? How would I look?

Me: Are you serious? I really don't know. You'd look good. I mean you look fine now. I don't know.

- She is such a bitch. Pardon my language. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But her boyfriend comes in here like every night and just sits there, and she lets him. She's gonna end up getting fired. I'm surprised she hasn't yet. Jenny told me that she called in on Monday and left her hanging by herself all night.

- (Talking to me again) Did you want me to thin your eyebrows?

Me: My eyebrows? Um, no.

- (To me again) Some guys get it.

Me: Not this guy.

My inner-thoughts: Wait, what's wrong with my eyebrows?
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There were more but I can't remember them. It was awful. Worst haircutting experience of my life, and sports were showing at the time.

It may be a while before I make my way back in there.

As a child, Sarah Palin used to go hunting with her dad; she's a common man. Er, woman.

Sarah Palin smoked cannabis as a youth (no she didn't; she smoked weed); she's a common man. Er, woman.

Sarah Palin isn't elitist. She's a hockey dad. Er, mom. (by the way, hockey mom? what the hell is a hockey mom? first there was soccer mom, now there's hockey mom? aren't there any american sports that these moms can point their kids towards? why no baseball or football moms?)

Sarah Palin has never been to Europe; she's a common man. Er, woman.

Sarah Palin didn't go to an Ivy League School; she's a common man. Er, woman.
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Okay, I like her. I'd like to hang out with her. I wish her family lived next door to me. But can we please stop with this common woman bullshit? When did going to an Ivy League school become a negative? When did traveling the world become a negative?

This country has gone insane.

Brian(07:36:37): have you ever tried to type in a password to one of your programs, but you had an IM conversation up on your screen at the same time, so you ended up sending that person your password to something by accident?
Brian(07:36:46): I almost did that to you
Brian(07:36:59): you almost got a message from me that said brian123
Donald(07:37:08): people do that to me all the time
Brian(07:37:13): excellent
Donald(07:37:16): some people have gayyy passwords
Brian(07:37:21): better
Brian(07:37:40): iheartguys4
Donald(07:38:08): i can't recall

This really does happen all the time.

Follow-up note: One of the labels for this post is for Greg's benefit. See if you can find it.

What would it be like to be rich? I'm not talking about being a fringe millionaire. I'm talking about having hundreds of millions or even billions of dollars. What would that be like? Would I spend a lot of time contemplating pointless purchases like this one? The headline in that article says it all: Rare Islamic ewer expected to fetch over $5 million.

An ewer? What the hell is an ewer? Even after I read the article, I wasn't sure what it was. I figured I should probably look it up because what if someone brought it up to me later today and was like "hey did you see that ewer for sale for 5 mil?" and I'd be all "yes I did, but what exactly is an ewer?" and they'd be all "what's an ewer? are you serious?" and I'd be all "of course I'm not serious, I know what an ewer is. What do you think I am, some kind of moron?" and they'd be all "okay then, what is it?" Don't you just hate people who call you out like that? So I looked it up; the best I can tell is that it's some kind of pitcher. Like to pour things.

I doubt that the person who ends up paying $5 million for this one will use it for Kool-Aid though. But wouldn't that be awesome if they did? I'd love to have something like that just sitting in my house. I'd put it in my living room on top of a stereo speaker or something. People would come over and they'd look at it and be all "what the hell is that?" and I'd be all "oh, that's my ewer" and they'd be all "what's an ewer?" and I'd be all "I know, right? I didn't know either". And then I'd tell them that I paid $5 million for it. Yeah I took out a ridiculous loan. Then they'd ask me what the point of that was since everything I own put together isn't worth 1/10th that much and I'd say "Because I wanted to have this exact conversation".

Plus I needed something for on top of my stereo speaker and I'm sick of Pottery Barn.

Follow-up to this pointlessness: it's really hard to type the word "ewer". My fingers kept wanting to start with the "w". Try it out yourself. It's really hard.

Guy 1: "Man I can't wait 'til Friday......."
Guy 2: "Well you're gonna have to."
[pause]
Guy 1: "Wait, why is that?"
Guy 2: "Do you have some kind of time machine that I wasn't aware of?"
Guy 1: "Oh I thought you meant because of some kind of.....never mind."

/Literal Fail

To keep in the spirit of insane scientific experiments, a team of biologists are closing in on bringing non-living matter to life.

Go ahead, click that link and read the article. And try to make it all the way through without wondering what the fuck it's about AND without putting your fist through your computer monitor. A team of biologists claim that they can now form a self-replicating, evolving system that satisfies the conditions of life, but isn't anything like life on earth now, but might represent life as it began or could exist elsewhere in the universe.

The money quote in the article IMO is this one from one of the molecular biologists: "One of the things that always comes up when people talk about life and universal qualities is water. But is water really necessary? What if we could design a system that works in something else?" - Jack Szostak

Um, guys? CANCER STILL EXISTS! Please cure something!

Honestly, what's next? Even Darwin would ask that we take a step back.

So will the world end tomorrow? That's some people's fears. But it's not Mayan.

/Puns.

Can I really be concerned with something called a Large Hadron Collider? Are those even real words? Whenever I hear that science is trying to kill me, I always look to our Commander in Chief. And of this experiment, he said "what's this 'science' you speak of?"

So no, I'm not concerned.

I am going to give you a quick Q and A between the CEO of a Major League Baseball team and the host of a local radio show. I'm gonna modify one of the details from his answer and I want to see if you can guess which team he's the CEO for.
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Q. What are the implications of the new ballparks in New York?

A. Gigantic revenue increases for the New York Yankees, who are particularly the ones that impact us. We’ve got to continue to find new revenue sources in order to keep up. We refer to [our ballpark] as the ‘Little Engine That Could.’ Well, the Yankees are building a gigantic bullet train. We’ve got to remember that we are in a competitive division and part of a special rivalry. We’ve got to generate the revenues we need to keep pace, as best we can, with a Goliath.
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Okay, give up? Which team's CEO could possibly be complaining about the Yankees and their never-ending stream of revenue?

Why, it's Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino. The CEO of those pesky DEFENDING CHAMPIONS. The CEO of the team that has sold out Fenway Park every game since May of 2003. The team that 2 years ago paid over $50 million JUST TO BID ON A PLAYER. The team with a $133 million annual payroll. The team that charges $325 PER SEAT for their best ticket.

Yeah, sometimes it's tough to be the little guy.

- Will the Lions EVER be good? They tried selling us on Charles Rogers, they tried selling us on Mike Williams, and now they're trying to sell us on Calvin Johnson. And Calvin Johnson just may be awesome, but it'll never matter. You can't build a football team from the outside in. You can have 1988 Jerry Rice lining up next to 1995 Steve Young (I should have looked it up first to see if those two years were Rice's and Young's best), but it won't matter if your o-line sucks. And you can have the best secondary in the league, but if you can't stop Michael Turner from rushing for 418 yards, what's the point? I guess Lions' fans will just have to accept the fact that their team is good enough to win 4 or 5 in a row, but they'll never win 10. Just an odd team.

- I can't wait until all the experts start telling us later this week that Brett Favre and the Jets should have no problem against a Patriots team that'll be without Tom Brady. Did you see Brett heave that ball into the endzone for a touchdown? You think that's happening against the Patriots defense? Yeah me neither.

- I'm in a fantasy league that has 2 starting QB's. What the [bleep] is that? And yesterday evening, one of the guys in my league was able to pick up Matt Cassel off the free agency list. Yeah there's no waiver process I guess. Anybody can cherry-pick the free agency list at any time, even if a game is going on. So all you'd have to do is wait for a starter to get injured and then immediately pick up his backup, which means the loser who watches football on Sunday from the comfort of his computer will have all the advantages. Yeah this league sucks. Can I be blamed if I eventually become "that guy who doesn't pay attention to his fantasy team who ends up starting 3 or 4 injured players by Week 5"?

- Remember prior to last year when we thought Carson Palmer was good?

- What's with that Southwest Airlines commercial with the 2-faced woman? She's at the ticket counter helping a guy and offering her airline's low rates and the guy is impressed, but then her head spins around and she's got this devilish face and now she's adding all kinds of fees. It's horribly creepy and didn't get any less creepy the 9th or 10th time I saw it.

- Go Bears! It didn't take long, but I'm back on the wagon. Well at least contemplating buying a ticket for it.

http://view.break.com/564602 - Watch more free videos

This kind of story doesn't come around all that often.
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DALLAS -- A robber rolled into a convenience store armed with a bat and knife. He left with a lot of condoms and an energy drink.

Police Cpl. Kevin Janse said Friday that a man in a wheelchair entered a Dallas 7-Eleven Wednesday afternoon, rolled straight toward the cash register and beat it with a baseball bat until it opened.

But he didn't grab any cash. Instead, police say he stole 10 boxes of condoms and an energy drink before making his getaway.

Janse says the suspect may have been homeless and was likely intoxicated at the time of the robbery.
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Are you funny enough to add a joke here? 'Cause I'm not.

Back in June, I said this:

We all know about the sub-prime mortgage crises. I've talked about it on this blog and I'm borderline retarded, so I have no doubt that you've probably read something about it from someone who's smart. But have you read anything about the possibility of a prime mortgage crises? Because I haven't. And even though nobody is talking about it, I see no way that we're not headed in that direction.Think about it - everyone was taking advantage of the housing boom 5 years ago. People who normally couldn't afford a mortgage were getting approved with ARM's and we've already seen the fallout from that. But what about the people who were approved for prime mortgages who were buying outside their means? I'm talking about the young 30-something couples who combined make $100,000 to $200,000/year but were getting approved for $800,000 mortgage loans. Who is going to pay for their $3000/month mortgages? Is the government prepared for that kind of bailout? Because it seems to me that a bailout of the prime mortgages will be a lot more expensive than a bailout of the subprime. And if that happens, we're all bleeped.

Okay, so just now, I read this:

More than 4 million American homeowners with a mortgage, a record 9 percent, were either behind on their payments or in foreclosure at the end of June, as damage from the housing crisis worsened, the Mortgage Bankers Association said Friday. But the source of trouble in the mortgage market has shifted from subprime loans made to borrowers with poor credit to homeowners who had solid credit but took out exotic loans with ballooning monthly payments.

I hate to brag about something like this because it's horrible news, but HA! Who's the man? It's me! I'm the man. I'm not even a mortgage guy. Or a finance guy. I'm just some dumbass. But it's nice to be right for once. Maybe I should make a prediction that actually benefits us all.

Okay how about this: I see no way that gas prices won't continue to fall. Between a lessening demand and promises in Washington of increased production, I see no way that gas prices won't continue to fall.

/My good deed of the day

Kids who were born the year that Bobby Thigpen set the single-season saves record are starting their freshman year of college.

I remember 1990 like it was 18 years ago. It was the first summer of my lifetime that the White Sox were actually good (Follow-up note: I didn't include 1983 because I don't remember 1983, but to be fair, they were good in 1983), which meant a lot to me at the time because I was 11 years old. To an 11 year old like me, baseball is the most important part of your life outside of alcohol, cigarettes, and women. So here was my favorite team, battling a much better Oakland A's team for 1st place all summer long.

I recall only a few story lines from that season - Barry Jones being among the league leaders in wins at the All-Star break even though he wasn't even a starter (I'm sure I'm not even remembering this correctly), Carlton Fisk being their best player even though he was in his 40's, a really big guy joining the team in August who would absolutely crush the ball for 2 months (Frank Thomas), it being the last season at old Comiskey, and Bobby Thigpen saving just about every game they won. I don't remember much about Ozzie; maybe he wasn't all that crazy yet. Oh, I also remember my Uncle Joe coming over to our house one day wearing a t-shirt that had a drawing of a kid wearing a White Sox hat pissing on a Cubs hat. It was the first time I had seen this brand of humor, so I remember it going over real well. What a great shirt. Ha ha, a White Sox fan pissing on a Cubs hat. Good comedy.

Where was I? Oh yeah, alcohol and cigarettes. No wait, feeling old. Yeah so Bobby Thigpen saved 57 games that year. It was kind of a big deal I think because this was still in 1990 when people hadn't yet realized how stupid the save statistic was (and is). So 57 became the record that still stands today. Why do I bring this up? Because it's finally about to be broken. Francisco Rodriguez of the Angels, who has the dumbest nickname in all of baseball, has 54 saves as I type this with almost of month of games left. Barring a freak incident like a 29 year old White Sox fan pulling a Gillooly on his knee, he should break it some time next week or the week after, at which point a piece of my childhood will die.

But I suppose I'll look at the bright side. Right now there's an 11 year old Angels fan who is enjoying one hell of a season from his favorite team, and maybe 18 years from now, someone will be breaking K-Rod's record (I told you his nickname was dumb. Nowhere in his name is there a "K". Stupid, right?), and that current 11 year old Angels fan can bitch about how he's getting old.

And I'll be enjoying my late 40's. Late 40's are cool.

Guy 1: "Where'd you go for lunch?"
Guy 2: "That place with the thing."
Guy 1: "You serious? Why didn't you tell me?"
Guy 2: "I asked if anyone wanted anything but you weren't at your desk."
Guy 1: "Damn it. I've had a taste for a gyro all week too."

So apparently "that place with the thing" is a gyro place.

/Noted.

Thank goodness this isn't the man who's representing the republican party. What a jackass.

I have a serious question I'd like to pose to him, as well as to everyone who clapped when he said it. Do you really think that the biggest threat to the United States is terrorism?

Honestly?

That's our biggest threat? Not people losing their jobs or houses? Not the value of our money? Friggin' terrorism? Let's think about that for a second. How many people from the United States have died in the last 50 years as the result of a terrorist attack? I don't know the answer, I'm seriously asking it. Is it less than 5000? No, it's more? 10,000? I really don't know, but I would doubt it's more than that. I'd even doubt it's more than 5000. And most of those happened in 1 day. So putting that in perspective, there's over 300 million citizens of the United States, with countless millions more (actually it's probably not countless; I could probably look something like that up somewhere, but this is a stupid blog and I'm not a journalist) that have been citizens of the United States in the last 50 years. So what kind of problem is terrorism really?

It's a scary thought I guess, but not our biggest problem.

Jackass.

Also, Sarah Palin is wicked cool. Smart, smart lady. Regardless of who wins this thing, I'm just glad that our next President and Vice-President are going to be well-spoken.

Studio Exec: So did you come up with an idea for a new show I asked for?

Producer: Not exactly. Well I did, but it’s not exactly new.

Studio Exec: I’m listening.

Producer: Okay so I was thinking that we could make a new version of 90210.

Studio Exec: I don’t understand. Like an adult version?

Producer: No we use a whole new cast. Well some of the old cast, but mostly new. I’m sure we could get Donna to come back in some role or another.

Studio Exec: I’m not sure that would work. That show sucked.

Producer: Yeah but it was a hit. Just remember, the American public is pretty stupid.

Studio Exec: That’s true.

Producer: All you really need is at least 1 super hot girl, at least 1 super good-looking guy, 1 cute girl next door type, and 1 uggo, and you’ve got yourself a hit.

Studio Exec: That’s really all it takes?

Producer: Of course. You remember the old version, don’t you? I’m thinking the new version will be just like that, with a little bit of Gossip Girl and Sunset Tan mixed in.

Studio Exec: What the hell is Sunset Tan?

Producer: Never mind that. So you in?

Studio Exec: I guess.

Producer: Oh, one more thing. I’m thinking that the series premier should run after everyone has gone to sleep. None of this primetime bullshit. Maybe midnight or something.

Studio Exec: What’s the point of that?

Producer: Even I don’t know the answer to that one. But there’s going to be a low-rent blog that tries to speculate what was said during this pitch meeting and I want to confuse him.

Studio Exec: Good thinking. You’ve got the green light from me.

Follow-up note from Brian: you might not understand the reference to airing the episode at midnight, but that's because it's only relevant if you live in Chicago. According to this article, WGN is the only CW affiliate who pushed back the start time and they did it because the Cubs had a night game. Well done, WGN. Way to screw your affiliate that has only 1 show that people watch.

- Late last week I read a headline that said the price of oil had surged to $120/barrel and my first thought was "that ain’t shit". I’ve seen the cost reach ridiculously outrageous levels, so when it only reaches a mildly outrageous level, I’m no longer fazed by it. Perhaps I’m just tired of giving a shit.

- "I’m tired of giving a shit" should be a bumper sticker.

- There’s a guy who works for my company named Jesus Bueno. Good God, that’s funny.

- No comedy is better than going to a gay bar and asking a guy if you can help "push in his stool". Of course I can only think of 2 outcomes after doing it and neither seem pleasant.

- I wonder how many times Bristol Palin’s name has been google’d in the last 24 hours. She has to have set records, no? Too bad it’s not for political reasons. But I’d love for her mom or even John McCain to go on record saying something like "if you’re 17 and not having sex yet, you’re a friggin’ loser." That’d be awesome.

- On that note, remember that nearly every good quote has already been said. And the one’s that haven’t are probably stupid.

I hate when I’m the 2nd car stopped at a red light in the right lane when I have to turn right, but the busted 1st car is going straight. It’s especially frustrating if it’s a long red and there is no traffic coming from the left. Here we are just sitting when I could have turned right on red over a minute ago. In my opinion, if you’re the first car going straight at a red light and someone pulls up behind you who needs to turn, you have two options/responsibilities.

1. You pull up far enough into the intersection where the car behind you can go around you. Now obviously this could have repercussions. Pulling up too far into the intersection could put you in harms way. But in my opinion, it’s your own damn fault for picking the right lane when you could have just as easily moved over to the left before you got there. If you’re pulling up to a red light and you’re going to be first in line and the left lane is open, it’s your responsibility to check your rearview to see if there’s a car behind you with his signal on. If so, you’d better get the fuck to the left. And if you don’t, you’d better inch up and let that guy past. It’s simple etiquette. Now if you inch up BUT HE DOESN’T GIVE YOU A LITTLE WAVE as he passes, you then have permission to make the turn yourself and follow that son-bitch and harass him ‘til he acknowledges you ‘cause that was bullshit.

2. You make the turn yourself and then turn around at the first opportunity. This option doesn’t serve you all that well and could be dangerous, but again, it was your fault we’re all in this situation in the first place, so it’s on you to fix it.

So those are your two options. Of course you could choose option 3 – sit there like an idiot. But if the guy behind you ends up killing you, you have nobody to blame but yourself.