1 Happy St

Hi, everyone. Yes, I'm alive. And thanks for all the well-wishes. You can stop calling the house though. Especially you, Jeremy. It comes up UNAVAILABLE on the caller ID, but I can hear you breathing!!!! Pervert!

Anyway, sorry again for my absence but I promise I have a good reason for being away, and I can get a doctors note if you don't believe me. As I'm sure Brian has told you, I have a kidney stone... again. Oh he didn't tell you? He just let you go on thinking that I was slacking off and he was holding the fort by himself? Well I'll show him when its time for bonus checks here at 1 Happy Street, Inc.

Anyway, as you might remember, I've had this problem before... and once again, my right kidney has decided it's not going to pull its weight. I've got a stone about 7mm in diameter that was discovered several weeks ago. The pain has ranged from dull to excruciating but has been pretty constant since the last week of February. Thank God for Vicodin.

Luckily, as was the case with the last stone, I shouldn't have to pass it whole. The stone is still in my kidney and is expected to stay there. If all goes according to plan, I'm going in for a procedure on Monday to break it up into a zillion pieces. After a couple days of recovery, I should be back in the swing of writing daily bits of hilarity so Brian can stop writing about banking.

Below is a picture from my CT Scan. Pretty cool huh? The arrow is pointing to my stone. Isn't he cute? I named him Steve. My stomach is near the top of the image, and no I don't remember eating that. Ok, I have to get back to writhing in agony on the floor of my cubicle.

See you all soon.

According to this article, insomnia runs in the family. So I can blame my mom and dad for the fact that I'm posting this at 4:10 am.

So this morning, I was in the shower and I was standing there looking at the rack of shampoo and soap thinking, "I have no idea what I have left to do." I honestly couldn't remember if I had shampooed yet. It wasn't until the shampoo was in my hair that I realized that I had washed it once already.

My mind is definitely going. It's been happening a lot more lately. In fact, just the other day something similar happened when I just stood there in some room trying to remember what I was in there for. Or maybe I was outside? And that might have been today.

I think these may be the early warning signs for that one disease. What's it called? That guy that was president before the guy who's president now's dad was president had it, I think. I sure I hope I don't have that. That would suck not to be able to remember anything.

It is the time of year here at work where they help us review our 401k plans. They tried to advise me against it, but I told them I wanted to put all my money into egg baskets. I just have a really good feeling about Easter this year.

How come you never hear of anyone getting ear jobs? I think a lot more people have goofy looking ears than people that have hideous noses.

I have pictures of my kids, nieces, nephews, and some of my co-workers' kids up in my cubicle. To an outsider, it probably looks like I'm trying to give Evander Holyfield a run for his money.

I downloaded the original Super Mario Bros. for the Wii Virtual Console last night. I used to be able to finish the game in about 10 minutes but I can't believe how hard the game is now. That has to be sure sign that I'm getting old. (And yes, I know that the actual original Mario Bros. wasn't SUPER, but you know what I mean.)

I've been going to physical therapy for my bad back and neck. I was skeptical but I highly recommend it. Especially if you like being touched in uncomfortable ways by women who look like mail order brides. Apparently some of the qualifications to be a physical therapist are broken english, crooked teeth, hairy moles and Jordache jeans.

I am in three NCAA basketball tournament pools and I have no idea why. I watched exactly one college basketball game this year and that was only because someone gave me tickets. I didn't watch a single game on TV, nor did I pay attention to SportsCenter during the college basketball segments for one minute until last week. So why do I think I have any business guessing who's going to win?

My next door neighbor, who is by my estimation between 35-40 years old, was outside last night racing his remote control car around the neighborhood until about 10:00. I was very tempted to go out and tell him that he was too old to be playing with remote control cars but I didn't want to interrupt my game of Super Mario Bros.

-When did VH1 turn into the E! channel?

-“Entourage” is one of my favorite shows, yet it still manages to disappoint me every week. I am thankful that they didn’t go too far with the “Dom” character though.

-I wonder if Mark Buehrle wishes that Ozzie Guillen would have selected Liriano for the All-Star team instead of him. Now he gets two whole days of reporters dissecting his 9-5 record and mediocre ERA.

-Speaking of baseball, do you think the Mariners signed Carl Everett because there are some White Sox minor leaguers that they’re interested in, but they didn’t know how else to get them?
-The button on the cuff of my favorite shirt fell off. I’m not the type that can roll my sleeves Miami Vice-style, so I guess I’ll have to throw it away. Otherwise a perfectly good shirt, it’s strange that something so small could ruin it.

-Do you think Tommy John is upset that his legacy in baseball is for radical arm surgery? The man won 288 friggin games! And yes, I had to look that up. But wow! 288 games! To put that in perspective, coming into this season, Pedro had won 197.

-Was that whole “shirt button” thing covered in a Seinfeld episode once? It sounds familiar. Can something be plagiarism if you didn’t know you copied the idea?

-As a White Sox fan, I couldn’t be happier that there isn’t a White Sox version of “Fever Pitch”. Watching Drew Barrymore run circles around Aaron Rowand to avoid US Cellular Field security in centerfield during a playoff game would have been enough for me to kill myself.

-To be fair, I actually liked most of that movie. But how could the producers think the last 20 minutes were a good idea?

-For my health's sake, I'm lucky that I only recently discovered Dairy Queen's Heath Bar blizzard.

-I just went pee for the first time in like a full day. I was expecting full flowage for a good couple minutes. But it turned out to be just normal.

-What does the inside of a water tower look like? Is it filled with water like a tall pool? Am I a moron for not knowing this?

........that it’s time to hit the gym when:
- The lady at the Dunkin Donuts sees you and says “the usual?”
- You need an oscillating fan for your desk at work.
- You’re too tired to actually go to the gym.
- You’re out of breath, but you weren’t running, carrying something heavy, or have asthma.
- You have to poke a new hole at the very tip of your belt.
- You had to move your driver’s seat back, but you didn’t get any taller.
- Your Hawaiian Honeymoon is approaching, and you know you’ll have to take your shirt off.
- That Wendy’s double-cheeseburger just wasn’t enough, so you went for the triple.
- You read that last one, but didn’t puke in your mouth a little bit.
- You got sunburned on the top of your stomach.

........that you’re getting old when:
- You’re watching the weather channel, but it’s not by accident.
- Your muscles are sore, but you didn’t do anything.
- You complain to people about how bad the traffic is on your way to work.
- You don’t go out on weeknights anymore (bonus here if it’s because your favorite show is on that night).
- You prefer talk radio, and turn the station whenever they take a break to play a song.
- You look forward to the weekend, but it’s because you need to get caught up on your yard work.
- You get mad when the neighborhood kids are still outside past 10.
- You get mad when someone calls you past 10.
- You get mad if you’re not in bed and it’s past 10.
- Your car has 4 doors “because it’s more practical”.
- Adam Sandler has a new movie out, but you’re not interested.
- You prefer matinee’s because it’s less noisy.
- You use a pool to relax.

I mentioned in a previous blog entry that I'd been having some tummy problems.

Just to update you on the situation, this Tuesday I will be undergoing what's called a lithrotripsy procedure to break up a kidney stone. Kidney stones are caused by a buildup of mineral deposits in the kidney. Most people get them at sometime in their life but they're usually small enough to pass without even needing medical attention.

My stone has built up to about the size of a pencil eraser and it's lodged somewhere in the tube between my kidney and my bladder. Basically that means that my right kidney doesn't really work right now.

The way this procedure was described to me was that they will be shooting soundwaves at the stone for about 45 minutes in the hopes that it will eventually break down. (It strikes me as odd that they are using the same procedure to cure my abdominal pain as was used to capture former Panamanian military General, Manuel Noriega.)

They hope to break the stone into several hundred tiny pieces of sand that will pass easilly through my urinary tract. The operative word there being "easilly".

William Shattner recently sold his kidney stone to GoldenPalace.com to rase $25,000 for charity. You may know that GoldenPalace.com is famous for it's collection of odd items as free publicity for the gambling website, including a grilled cheese sandwich with the likeness of the Virgin Mary, which they purchased on an online auction for $28,000.

I can't help but think that maybe I should just forego the procedure and try to pass the kidney stone whole, on the off chance that my kidney stone looks like the Virgin Mary.

• Update: Some of you have asked about the Manuel Noriega reference. You can click the link above for more info, but basically, back in the 80's, the former President of Panama was being persued by the U.S. on drug trafficking charges. We surrounded him in the Vatican embassy in Panama and one of the techniques to get him to surrender was blasting loud rock music. He eventually did surrender and is currently serving time in a federal prison in Florida. Sorry if that was too obscure.

Recently I turned 29. I didn't really expect 29 to be a major milestone. I mean, 30 is right around the corner so 29 was sort of a non-event for me. In fact, several times since my 29th birthday, I've actually had to remind myself that I was 29.

And since I've needed to be reminded how old I am, my body has taken up the cause. It seems as though several of my organs have thrown in the towel all together. I haven't seen this kind of retreat since the French were invaded by the Girl Scouts.

About 6 weeks ago, I began to have some pain in my tummy (yes, I said tummy but I have two small children so it's allowed). I hadn't eaten anything weird and I wasn't really sick. It was more like a cramp in my side. It wasn't a horrible pain but it was constant. Being a member of the male sub-species, I of course came to the conclusion that the prudent thing to do would be ignore it and hope it goes away. Sort of like the French did with the Nazi's.

I'm going to take this time to expand a little on why I don't like going to the doctor. You see, I've never actually had a doctor fix something. I will go into the doctor with some ailment... and it doesn't matter what it is... headaches, nagging cough, severe chest pains... and the doctor will never... I mean NEVER.... be able to figure out what is wrong with me. And it's not just that one doctor is a moron. Every doctor I go to is unable to diagnose what is causing whatever it is I'm there for. Apparently, my body is a medical mystery. Case in point... I had a cough over the winter. "Oh like 4-5 days of coughing?" you ask? No. I mean the entire winter. I literally coughed from October until February. (Now might be a good time to tell you what wonderful people I work with, since they didn't kill me after listening to me hacking up a lung all winter. Although I did notice that Angie and Molly have been wearing their headphones a lot more frequently.) So anyway, the doctor never did figure out why I was coughing. I was treated for asthma, bronchitis, kennel cough, you name it... until it eventually just went away on its own. So the point is, I have not had great experiences with doctors. Doctors are like the French. They talk fancy and condescending, and they always leave me wondering where my day went.

So here we are... 3 doctors visits, one blood test, one urinalysis, one ultrasound, and 6 weeks later... and the pain is worse and they still don't know what is wrong with me. They thought it was gallstones. It wasn't. It acts like an appendacitis but usually that doesn't linger around for 6 weeks. The medical commmunity is as perplexed as a guy named Pierre in a self-defense class.

This has left me with a lot of time to poke around the internet looking for answers. WebMD is my favorite. Even if you don't think you're sick, just go to WebMD.com. Not only are you are sick, but you're also dying. And there's nothing that can be done to save you. (To donate your organs, click here.) Just wave the white flag... just like the French do (which makes me wonder... On the French flag, why did they bother adding the red and blue parts?).

I go in tomorrow for a CT scan. I didn't even know I had a CT but apparently I do, and it needs to be scanned. It's all a waste of time though, since I already know that they won't find anything. I'll just have to ignore it and hope it goes away.... like I do with the French.