1 Happy St

I remember loving this show when I was a kid. However, I don't remember the host being such an a-hole!

It's been my observation that black people don't like being stereotyped.

This is a brilliant Family Guy clip.

I don't care much for her sister, but that Jamie Lynn Spears is quite the positive role model.

I'm hoping I never get a surprise visit by a jockey. He might be offended by my landscaping. Same goes for a gargoyle.

I've got no use for tinsel.

Or koalas.

I haven't seen one bell ringer this Christmas. My pocket is overflowing with pennies.

.....er I mean with $10s and $20s.

And finally, do any of our readers remember these videos? Anyone who ever watched The Bozo Show on WGN growing up will surely remember this...



or this...


or this...

Max Cap 65 Pass. No Standees Permitted

- I’m an Ellen fan. And I’m not ashamed of it. She makes me giggle. Loved the white shoes.

- Ways to shorten the Oscars: Forget about cutting off the speeches. Just cut out every category except Best Actor/Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress, Director, Screenplay, and Picture. I’d maybe include Best Song, but that’s it. Everything else is a waste of time and nobody cares.

- Last Sunday, I remember seeing a weatherman’s version of the 7-day forecast, which showed the following Saturday (2 days ago) to have a high in the 50’s. This morning, I was watching the news when that same weatherman’s updated 7-day forecast came on the screen. I immediately changed the channel.

- I wonder if Martin Scorsese has ever lost anything in those eyebrows, like his car keys or something.

- Saturday night, I was cleaning off a mixture of snow, rain, and sleet from my windshield after leaving a family party downtown. I remember thinking to myself, "why did I even go out tonight?" I lifted up the drivers-side wiper to clean underneath it and as I was doing that, it fell apart in my hand. Not good.

- I have a feeling that Will Ferrell could have simply sat there on stage for 4 minutes, not saying a word, and I still would have been laughing.

- For those of you that know me well, you know that I've made no secret of the fact that I had never seen Star Wars. Well I can't say that any longer. I saw that it was playing on HBO, so I tivo'd it and finally watched it Sunday afternoon. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. Pretty cool for 1977. But otherwise, eh. I guess at the very least, Spaceballs makes more sense to me now.

- It seems like Eddie Murphy is awfully self-conscious about "Pluto Nash".

- Reason #518 that I am officially getting old. I no longer get excited for "good packing snow".

- Was Clint Eastwood drunk, blind, or can he not read?

- Reason #1 that I may not be as old as I think. The good packing snow tempted me enough to make one snowball and whip it at a tree for no reason whatsoever.

- Did the producers pair each male presenter at the Oscars with a taller female on purpose, or was that just a coincidence?

- Reason #519 that I am officially getting old. I immediately regretted the decision to make a snowball because I wasn’t wearing any gloves.

- I’d be okay if George Clooney was the presenter for every category. I have a feeling I’m not alone on that. Things just seem more important when he’s involved.

When you were a kid and it was your birthday, it was customary for you to bring in treats for the whole class. Does anybody remember why this was? Shouldn't it have been the other way around with kids bringing in treats for you? After all, it was your birthday, not everyone else's.

"Uh Mom, my birthday's coming up, can you go out and buy me 30 Handi Snacks SO THAT I CAN GIVE THEM ALL AWAY?"

That made no sense. I remember how hard it was to convince Mom to buy Handi Snacks at all. And now that she was, I was going to give them away? And maybe even to someone I didn’t even like? What the hell?

The irony here is now that I'm old enough, I can purchase my own Handi Snacks any time I want, and yet I never do. I was at the grocery store yesterday and probably circled the Handi Snack aisle 2 or 3 times, and yet I sit here today with no Handi Snacks. What's the lesson here? I'm not sure, but I think it proves that I'm an idiot.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who used to cheat at Heads-up 7-up, and those who didn’t. And if you call yourself a non-cheater, I’ll call you a liar. We all cheated at that game, or at least tried to. Sure, we were sneaky about it. We’d put our head down between our arm, but then we’d try to sneak a peek of the shoes that walked by. That was really the most fool-proof way to cheat and get away with it. Another way to cheat, a method created by a classmate of mine Nathan Tallman, was a little more ballsy than the previous method and only worked if you were one of the 7 chosen ones pushing down thumbs. It also required that you had a teacher who didn’t pay attention. Here’s how it worked: let’s say Nathan pushes down my thumb. Of course I would know it was him because I was staring down at his shoes when he did it. But when it came time for me to "guess" that it was him, he would deny it. Pretty smart, huh? What could I do? Say that I knew it was him and admit that I had seen his shoes? No way! Then everyone would know I was a cheater. Instead, I had to sit there and take it.

Nathan Tallman may have been a genius.

I think its funny that people got together to name something as important as a mountain range and the best they could come up with was "Rocky Mountains". How remarkably unimaginative. Aren't all mountains rocky? Let's tell foreigners that they're named after someone named Rocky so we don't all look like idiots.

I just got done playing Madden 07 on the Wii and now my shoulder hurts. I think I have Wiipeditive Stress Injury.

If anyone makes it to the Brookfield Zoo anytime in the near future, can you pick me up a Mold-a-rama tiger sculpture? I can't seem to find the one I got in 6th grade. I did, however, find a purple melted wax blob in a box of my old stuff.

I think Just One Of The Guys would have been a better movie if while pretending to be a boy, Terry learned karate from an old Asian man and then fought Greg Tolan in a climactic championship karate tournament. It seems like they could have killed two birds with one stone there.

And speaking of Just One Of The Guys, does it strike anyone else as odd that in a movie about a girl pretending to be a guy that falls in love with her best friend who thinks she's a guy and then tells him she's a girl by flashing her breasts, that the most uncomfortable moment in the movie is when Rick talks about how big a fan he is of James Brown? Or is it just me?

Trapper Keeper vs. Keepin' Tabs
Kool Aid vs. Wyler's
Girbaud vs. Z. Cavaricci
Joe Simarrano vs. Brian Hohe
Kent vs. Huffy
Lindop vs. Hauser
ColecoVision vs. Atari
Sunny D vs. Purple Stuff
JanSport vs. Eastpak
Apple vs. Adam
Christine vs. Alasdair
Ferrari vs. Porsche
Zaxxon vs. Galaxian
Pro-Wings vs. XJ-900
Classic Concentration vs. Price is Right
Frosted Flakes vs. Raisin Bran
Topps vs. Fleer
Quayle vs. Bentsen
The Obstacle Course vs. Bozo Buckets
U.S. vs. Iraq (wait, never mind)
Wrangler vs. Rustler
Nintendo vs. Sega
Willie vs. Matthew

I have come to the realization that Pacman is life. I wake every day, and begin the race around this maze of a world. I consume as much as I can and when I'm done consuming, I start over and consume some more. Yet I don't feel as if I'm the one in control. Sometimes it's as if someone has taken over my every move.

We all have our own demons chasing us, danger lurking around every corner. Lately I've been having trouble finding either the courage or strength to face these ghosts head on. Sometimes I just want to forget about everything and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

All this being said, I'm still finding life to be too unpredictable. Sometimes I feel as if walking through one door will take me right back to where I started.

What's the difference between flatware and silverware? And why would they call it FLATware? Spoons and forks are not flat. They wouldn't really work if they were.

Apparently, it now costs 1.2 cents to manufacture a penny. Shouldn't this be about the time that the universe colapses on itself?

Why do only Christmas and New Years get eve's? Screw that. Today is 4th of July Eve.

I got sucked into the final episode of Super Group last night. The most revealing scene was when Gilmore Girls regular, er... i mean Skid Row frontmant, Sebastian Bach, meets his fan (seriously, how many others could there be?) outside the concert venue. He appeared to be ashamed for her. Even he couldn't understand why she was so infatuated with him. Join the club, Sebastian.

What's more sad, that I'm 29 and I have a Myspace profile, or that one of my friends is my mom?

Is the World Cup over yet? Seriously, is it?

Which makes me think, if I'm David Beckham, why do I marry the ugly Spice Girl? Or maybe an even better question is, why do I settle for ONLY ONE of them?!

I got my son a Slip 'n Slide for his birthday. I couldn't help but think back to our old Slip 'n Slide when we were kids. Some kid from down the street ripped it when he went down it wearing jeans. JEANS! Damn you, Roy!

One hen.

One hen. Two ducks.

One hen. Two ducks. Three squawking geese.

One hen. Two ducks. Three squawking geese. Four limerick oysters.

One hen. Two ducks. Three squawking geese. Four limerick oysters. Five corpulent porpoises.

One hen. Two ducks. Three squawking geese. Four limerick oysters. Five corpulent porpoises. Six pair of Don Alverzo's tweezers.

One hen. Two ducks. Three squawking geese. Four limerick oysters. Five corpulent porpoises. Six pair of Don Alverzo's tweezers. Seven thousand Macedonians in full battle array.

One hen. Two ducks. Three squawking geese. Four limerick oysters. Five corpulent porpoises. Six pair of Don Alverzo's tweezers. Seven thousand Macedonians in full battle array. Eight brass monkeys from the ancient sacred crypts of Egypt.

One hen. Two ducks. Three squawking geese. Four limerick oysters. Five corpulent porpoises. Six pair of Don Alverzo's tweezers. Seven thousand Macedonians in full battle array. Eight brass monkeys from the ancient sacred crypts of Egypt. Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic, old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth.

One hen. Two ducks. Three squawking geese. Four limerick oysters. Five corpulent porpoises. Six pair of Don Alverzo's tweezers. Seven thousand Macedonians in full battle array. Eight brass monkeys from the ancient sacred crypts of Egypt. Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic, old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth. Ten lyrical, spherical diabolical denizens of the deep who hall stall around the corner of the quo of the quay of the quivery, all at the same time.

In case you were wondering.

The Keeper of My Heart

You held all my pencils, colored and number two.
My ruler even had holes made just for you.
The sound of your velcro echos in my memory...
A day more innocent... more free...
Free like the loose leaf you saved from slushy boots on the floor of the bus.
My three-ringed friend, nothing will ever come between us.