1 Happy St

Every year around this time, people will say things like "It just doesn't feel like Christmas yet to me" or "I'm just not in the spirit yet". I'm not sure what that means though. They complain that they used to be in the spirit all month, but I'm not buying it. If it's a yearly complaint, maybe they're just remembering it wrong on how it used to be.

Either way, I'm here to help. If this video doesn't get you in the spirit, nothing will (short of Cousin Eddie kidnapping your boss).

No need to thank me. Hearing you hum it later is thanks enough.

Since Festivus falls on Sunday this year, I figured I would air my grievances today.

The Airing of Grievances
To Brian...
I don't like how you post so much so I look like a slacker to our readers! WTF?

To our readers... (that means you, Jane, Molly, Maygan, Erin, Tricia, Ridgeway and Jeremy, etc.)...
If you like what you read here, go tell some other people about this site!!!!

To everyone on TV...
Stop shouting!

To the guy in the cubicle next to mine...
Stop singing!

To the guy at the mall dressed like Eminem...
You're not fooling anyone!

To the guy at the mall dressed like Santa...
Neither are you!

To White Sox General Manager, Kenny Williams...
Don't you think we're going to need a centerfielder?

To White Sox Centerfielder, Brian Anderson...
No!

To the guy that leaves 6 inches of snow on top of his car and then gets on the highway so we can all drive behind him in his wake of wind-blown snow...
You should be sterilized.

To the next person that says to me, "Cold enough for you?"...
Duck.

To the people that take their kids to JC Penney to get their pictures taken on a Saturday three weeks before Christmas and then complain that the wait is too long...
Maybe you could go outside and clean the snow off the roof of your car while you wait.

To people that claim to still watch The Simpsons...
No you don't. Nobody does.

To people that save gift bows...
Really? That thing cost about twenty cents.

That's all for this year...

Now, it's time for the Feats of Strength... Who wants to arm wrestle?

It's been my observation that black people don't like being stereotyped.

This is a brilliant Family Guy clip.

I don't care much for her sister, but that Jamie Lynn Spears is quite the positive role model.

I'm hoping I never get a surprise visit by a jockey. He might be offended by my landscaping. Same goes for a gargoyle.

I've got no use for tinsel.

Or koalas.

I haven't seen one bell ringer this Christmas. My pocket is overflowing with pennies.

.....er I mean with $10s and $20s.

And finally, do any of our readers remember these videos? Anyone who ever watched The Bozo Show on WGN growing up will surely remember this...



or this...


or this...

Quick note: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation will be airing on TCM (DirecTV channel 256) on 12/18 at 11:30pm CT. If you miss it that night, it will be airing again back-to-back on TBS (DirecTV channel 247) on 12/22 at 7:00pm and 8:45pm CT. Set your DVR's if you won't be home.

And if that's not enough to get you in the Christmas spirit, try this:

I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside)
I’ve got to go away (Baby, it’s cold outside)
The evening has been (I’ve been hopin’ that you’d drop in)
So very nice (I’ll hold your hand, they’re just like ice)

My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)
And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)
So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)
Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)
I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

I oughtta say no, no, no sir (You mind if I move in closer)
At least I’m gonna say that I tried (And what’s the sense in hurting my pride)
I really can’t stay (Oh baby, don’t hold out)
Oh, but it’s cold outside

It's hard enough coming up with good Christmas gift ideas for all the people that you have to buy for. But you know what's worse? Thinking you came up with a good idea, but then nobody has it in stock. What the [bleep] is that about?

Isn't it bad biz to have a product that's in demand, but none available to sell? Why the [bleep] don't they make enough for everybody? What the [bleep]?!? Why must we go through this every year? [Bleep].

[Bleep].

So I'm at the store last night buying for Greg actually. I have a pretty cool gift idea I think. I'm searching all over the store for this thing but I can tell that there's none there. Jill suggests that I ask somebody. Yeah that'll work. I'll ask this poor kid who's making $6 an hour the same question that he's had to answer for the past 2 hours. Here's how the conversation went (as far as I can remember):

Me: "Uh, do you have any __________ in stock?"

Him: "Honestly Man, what the [bleep] do you think?"

Me: "Do you know when you'll have any?"

Him: "Yeah. I'm making $6 an hour, so management consults with me about inventory all the time. I tell you what. Why don't you write down your name and phone number on a piece of paper for me. Then when we do get some in, I'll be sure to look at that piece of paper and have a good laugh at the fact that you thought I'd ever call you."

Me: "[Bleep]"

I think we need a better system.

Still looking for a gift for that hard-to-buy-for loved one? I bet he doesn't have one of THESE. Is there anything you can't buy on Amazon?

We here at 1 Happy St. would like to wish you and yours the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny effing Kay.

Here's a little gift from us to you.

I think my 6 year old is done with Santa. Sure, it's a little sad, but mostly, it's a relief. Santa sucks. We'd go out and spend all that money on presents and that fat bastard gets all the credit!

I figured this out a couple years ago and ever since, I've been deliberately setting Santa up. The boys would come down Christmas morning and all the presents would be under the tree. The ones from Mom and Dad were wrapped but the ones from Santa weren't, so it would be clear what was from whom. Last year, Santa got them a couple of dinky toys, some clothes and some candy in their stockings. Meanwhile, Mom and Dad wrapped all the really good presents so the boys would know they were from us. It never mattered anyway, because by the end of the day, after being intoxicated with sugarplums, Santa still got all the credit! Some-of-a...!

This year my 6 year old got wise to the whole charade. Look who's ho-ho-hoing now, Chubby! And I'm eating all the cookies, too!