1 Happy St

I didn't want to mention the "Mr. Clemens Goes to Washington" debacle from Wednesday because everybody who has a forum to do so has already done it. I'll admit it was fantastic theater, but there was really nothing left to say. But then along came this story in The New York Times, where Everybody's Favorite Congressional House Committee Chairman Henry Waxman (or as I'll call him, EFCHCCHW), decided to let us in on his afterthoughts.

The quote from EFCHCCHW that jumps out at me: "I’m sorry we had the hearing. I regret that we had the hearing. And the only reason we had the hearing was because Roger Clemens and his lawyers insisted on it."

Uh, isn't he the EFCHCCHW? The top dog? Who (or is it whom?) does he answer to? The President? If that? And he's saying he only had the hearing because friggin' Roger Clemens (a friggin' baseball player) and his friggin' lawyers (of which EFCHCCHW is probably one too, only on a much grander scale) were the one's who friggin' requested it?

I'm calling shenanigans. No, I'm going beyond shenanigans. This was full-blown no-look behind-the-back alley-oop bullshit.

EFCHCCHW is indeed a "jag-bag".

h/t Buster Olney's blog

If you didn't want to waste nearly 5 hours watching politicians who know nothing about baseball bash the sport for being dishonest, I will recap the key conversation from some of the key people involved.

Rep. Christopher Shays: "Blah blah blah blah I've never watched baseball in my entire life, but blah blah blah I'm going to get up on my soapbox and bash the sport for which I know nothing about and blah blah blah blah Barry Bonds is the anti-christ blah blah blah blah what the hell is a soapbox anyway and blah blah blah I hope I didn't mis-pronounce Palmarry's name blah blah blah is this meeting almost done? I have a meeting with a stripper in an hour blah blah blah I'm going to get off my soapbox now blah blah blah but all of you guys are evil blah blah blah has anyone seen my vile of cocaine blah blah blah I'm outta here."

Bud Selig (or as Rep. Shays calls him, Bud Sellick): "I'm sorry, but was that even a question? I'm confused."

Rep. Diane Watson: "Don't change the subject Sellick. Answer the question. Blah blah blah blah save the blah blah children blah blah I'm a bigger idiot than Shays blah blah blah I am totally unprepared blah blah blah what am I even doing here?"

Bud Selig: "Baseball is enjoying record profits. We're all rich. Have I mentioned what we've done with inter-league play?"

Don Fehr: "Allow me to interject here one second. I have nothing to say on the matter."

Rep. Christopher Shays: "Thank you for your time Gentlemen blah blah blah you're all still evil blah blah blah and Mr. Sellick I think you may be the devil blah blah blah I still haven't found my vile blah blah blah and I'm late for my stripper blah blah blah steroids blah blah waste of money blah blah poor taxpayers blah nothing solved blah Tejada may be going to prison."

That about sums it up. Aren't you glad you missed it? I wish I had.

I've read that a good way to keep your cat off the furniture or counter tops is to spray them in the face with a water bottle. I'm not sure if that works on cats, but it seems to be helping keep people out of my cubicle.

I think we need to retire the phrase "everyone and their mother". The only time that expression ever really works is in response to the question, "Who's going to be at the mother-son picnic?"

What do you take if you break out in hives from taking Benadryl?

Nobody names their dog "Spot" anymore. Spot is like the dog version of Wally.

I was watching C-SPAN and I noticed that Congress still uses "aye" and "nay" instead of just using the common English words, "yes" and "no". I don't really have a joke here, but I do think it's just another example of how Congress is stupid.

When I die, I want to be cremated and put in an urn with a bunch of springy snakes.