1 Happy St

I'm out of ideas.

Me too.

What if we dressed Kristin up like some freakish woman who creates mischief.

We've done that 300 times already.

Okay, well what if Will was in the scene with her and he just kept repeating her name over and over again.

I don't get it.

Neither do I, but we're stuck.

Okay, so what will Kristin's character's name be?

Um, Gilly?

Why Gilly?

It sounds funny, right?

No.

C'mon, picture Will just saying "Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly" over and over and over again for 5 minutes.

Yeah I don't get it.

Well you better jump on board with it because we're doing it.

I'm looking for an old SNL sketch with Tom Hanks where he's part of a family where everyone tests out a squeaky chair and they all taste some sour milk and sniff foul cat litter and test a broken basement stair. I'm not sure the name of the sketch or what year it's from, but if you can find it, let me know. Google doesn't seem to know. I have a feeling it might be one of those things where I'm remembering it being better than it actually was, but I don't care.

Thanks.

Oh, and can I have your autograph? Please please please please please?

Thanks for finding the video for us, Erin!


Scene: a typical American kitchen. A husband (Steve Martin) and wife (Amy Poehler) are puzzling over their finances.

Wife: Oh, I just can’t get these numbers to add up.
Husband: Like we’re never going to get out of this hole.
Wife: Credit card debt, does it ever end?
Salesman: [entering from who-knows-where] Maybe I can help.
Husband: We sure could use it.
Wife: We’ve tried debt consolidation companies.
Husband: We’ve even taken out loans to help make payments.
Salesman: Well, you’re not the only one. Did you know that millions of Americans live with debt they can not control? That’s why I developed this unique new program for managing your debt. [Holds up book] It’s called, "Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford".
Wife: Let me see that. [Reading from book] If you don’t have any money, you should not buy anything. Hmmm … sounds interesting.
Husband: Sounds confusing.
Wife: I don’t know honey, this makes a lot of sense. There’s a whole section here on how to buy expensive things using money you've "saved".
Husband: Give me that. And where do you get this "saved" money?
Salesman: I tell you where and how in Chapter 3.
Wife: OK, what if I want something but I don’t have any money?
Salesman: You don’t buy it.
Husband: Let’s say, I don’t have enough money to buy something. Should I buy it anyway?
Salesman: No.
Husband: Now I’m really confused.
Salesman: It’s a little confusing at first.
Wife: What if you have the money, can you buy something?
Salesman: Yes.
Wife: Now, take the money away. Same story?
Salesman: Nope. You shouldn’t buy stuff when you don’t have the money.
Husband: I think I’ve got it. I buy something I want, then hope that I can pay for it. Right?
Salesman: No. You make sure you have money, then you buy it.
Husband: Oh, then you buy it! But shouldn’t you buy it before you have the money?
Salesman: No.
Wife: Why not?
Salesman: It’s in the book. It’s only one page long. The advice is priceless and the book is free.
Wife: Wow. I like the sound of that.
Husband: Yeah, we can put it on our credit card.

Announcer: So, get out of debt now. Write for your free copy of "Don't Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford" And, if you order now, you’ll also receive, "Seriously, If You Don’t Have the Money, Don't Buy It" along with a twelve month subscription to "Stop Buying Stuff" Magazine. Order today.

I think we all know someone like this. I know I do.

- What’s the difference between a box of Somoas and a box of Caramel deLites?

- I like how the White Sox beat reporters don’t even fix Ozzie Guillen’s Spanglish anymore when they quote him in the newspaper, they just print it word for word. They no go to [expletive] trouble of translating.

- Everyone I know who has a Sprint cell phone complains about their coverage and service. So why do people continue to use them?

- I think it was a good idea for Shell to install those TV monitors at their pumps. There’s nothing more boring than waiting for your gas tank to fill. But would it kill them to show something interesting besides busted Tonight Show bits?

- Every time I hang up the phone after ordering out for Chinese, I always think to myself that there’s no way that lady understood me. But then when my food arrives, it’s always exactly what I ordered. Kinda funny.

- I saw "Premonition" starring Sandra Bullock on Sunday night. It’s pretty good, if you’re that type of person who likes movies that really suck.

- There’s always one small spot in my backyard that will take 2 or 3 days longer than every other spot in the neighborhood for the snow to melt. I wonder what that’s about.

- I wasn’t being fair to "Premonition" earlier. It didn’t really suck.

- Oh wait, yes it did. That movie really really sucked. Do yourself a favor and see it so you can find out for yourself how badly it sucks.

- Did you happen to catch the E! True Hollywood Story of "Mean Girls" yet? Those Tina Fey junket interviews from when the movie was released where she praises Lindsay Lohan’s talent and professionalism seem really dated now. It reminded me of the SNL opening monologue from MC Hammer in the early 90’s where he said everything was going great for him and he couldn’t believe how well his albums were selling. Poor Hammer.

- I desperately want to like the new show on TBS called "My Boys". But why do they have to force-feed us that heavy sports-related dialogue? Does anybody talk like that? Okay, we get it, she’s a girl and she likes sports!

- I’ll continue to watch it though as long as Jim Gaffigan is involved. But it’s not a good omen if this is the only reason I continue coming back. Thoughts on the show anyone?

- If there’s a better feeling than putting on a brand new pair of socks, I urge you to come up with one. Okay not really, but you know what I mean.

- There’s 5 stages to being an SNL fan: first, you’re too young to watch it, but you’ve heard things. Second, you fall asleep mid-way through it. Third, you watch the whole thing. Fourth, you miss all of it because you’re not home. And fifth, you fall asleep midway through it again. Sadly, I’ve reached the 5th stage.

- Every time I see the Dunkin Donuts marketing slogan "America runs on Dunkin", I kinda get sick to my stomach a little bit.

- The week following Christmas is always kind of lame. But it’s even worse if you know your New Years plans suck.

- We’re at the point now where cell phones can do everything EXCEPT make phone calls. "Well it gets a crappy signal, but look, it turns into a fishing pole!"

For some reason, certain people are just better hosts on SNL. Tom Hanks is always good. So is Christopher Walken, Steve Martin, and Jim Carrey. After last Saturday's episode, I think we need to think about adding Justin Timberlake to that list. The whole episode wasn't a winner, but the first hour was. So by my calculation, he's now 2 for 2. Click here to watch the highlight sketch while you still can.

[Editor's note, it has sound and may not be appropriate for surrounding audiences]

- I’ll eat a Twizzler if I’m hungry and it’s the only food available. But I don’t understand why someone would buy them from a gas station when there's other options like Cheez-Its, Doritos, or Slim Jims.

- I had never even heard of Orange Julius until that ridiculous SNL sketch with Sylvester Stallone a few years ago. But even now, I’ve still never seen one. Same goes for Sonic Burgers. Where are these places?

- Is it Rainbow Sherbert or Rainbow Sherbet? I think I always tried to avoid this question altogether whenever I was at Baskin Robbins by slurring something like "I'll have the Rainbow Shermermanbetman" while pointing at it through the glass.

- There is nothing more uncomfortable than being at a sporting event where the person singing the National Anthem screws up the words. But I’m sure it came pretty close for the people who were at the Dolly Parton tribute concert during Jessica Simpson’s performance. Poor Jessica.

- I like Ketchup on my hot dog. There, I said it. Now quit giving me crap about it.

- 7-11 Slurpees are just one of those items that mean more to you when you’re a kid than when you’re an adult. Same with McNuggets.

- Rex Grossman is going to throw for 200+ yards and at least 2 TD passes on Monday night while the Bears win 27-13. You heard it here first. But please don’t rub it in on Tuesday morning if I’m completely wrong. That would just be mean.

- "Mike" did his good deed of the day two nights ago by helping Old Guy, whose car was stuck in the snow right down the street. "Mike" helped push Old Guy’s car out of the snow, and Old Guy thanked "Mike" countless times afterwards. That "Mike" sure is a swell guy.

I haven’t yet figured out if Tenacious D is a joke or not. If they aren’t a joke, then that just makes them an average band with strange songs. If they are a joke, then I just don’t get it. They’re not particularly funny, and they’re not particularly good. So what else is left?

I think people give them a pass because Jack Black is likable, and he’s done things in the past that people have collectively enjoyed. He’s also done things that have been tongue-in-cheek funny. But this I just don’t understand. I saw their performance on SNL on Saturday and I had no clue what was going on. There was a giant robot and I think I saw some fire-breathing dragons or something. But nothing about it made me think, “wow, this is really funny” or “wow, they're really good”. So what was the point?

Somebody please help me understand Tenacious D.

- Sometimes I get House Speaker Dennis Hastert and actor Dennis Haysbert confused. To make things worse, Dennis Hastert kind of looks like former Illinois Secretary of State George Ryan, which causes me to get current Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White and actor Dennis Haysbert confused in a roundabout way. If Jesse White ever says “it is very bad to drink Jobu’s rum” or “that’s Allstate’s stand” during a speech, my head may explode.

- Okay, I’ll say it. That Michael J. Fox commercial freaks me out.

- I just read that the chances of winning the grand prize in the McDonald’s monopoly game are 1 in 4.5 trillion. Which means I have a better chance of being struck by lightning while cashing in my winning lotto ticket.

- Speaking of odds, what were the chances that NBC would have two pilots in the same season that revolved around the inner-workings of a sketch comedy show, and is it possible to be a fan of one or the other without being confused about which one you’re watching? A special thanks to NBC for making the titles similar.

- Okay, I’ll say it Part II. Joel Zumaya scares me. Not quite as much as Ray Lewis, but it’s getting close. The next prison movie that comes out should have Zumaya playing the Mexican group leader.

- Since the E! Channel cut down on the number of SNL reruns it airs at night, I can now come up with exactly zero reasons why that channel still exists.

- I looked up my own name on Wikipedia and it brings me to a guy from California who is younger than me who develops video game software. If this info was put there by anybody other than him, I may have to kill myself.

- I think I can go turn on the television right now, flip through every channel I have, and there’s a better than 90% possibility that I’d be able to find some version of Law and Order on. And yet I don’t know a single person that watches any of them.

- I think I may have accidentally discovered that my right foot is bigger than my left. About a year ago, I bought a pair of dress shoes with no laces and I noticed that the left shoe was loose on my foot while the right shoe fit snuggly. So I simply chalked it up to a defective shoe. But last week, I bought a new pair of the exact same style and am now having the same problem. This cannot be a coincidence, can it?

-Which is worse: knowing the answers to most of the questions in VH1’s “World Series of Pop Culture”, or getting mad at yourself when you don’t know the answer?

-By the way, the two contestants who failed miserably on the SNL category should be ashamed of themselves. How can you be a contestant on a pop culture trivia show and not know SNL?

-After watching one of the lost episodes of “Chappelle’s Show”, I can see why he took off to Africa for a couple months.

-Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) had the worst bachelor party of all time.

-Does anyone else get upset when Nick at Nite plays “Fresh Prince” reruns instead of “Roseanne” at 9:30 and 10? Better question: why the daily changes?

-With E getting more playing time on “Entourage” this season, do you think the producers of the show wish they had taken the original casting more seriously after their concept was green-lit?