1 Happy St

-Are you officially a team distraction when you have to call a press conference to deny that you tried to commit suicide?

-The Las Vegas Review Journal spotted Eva Longoria of "Desperate Housewives" riding her beau, San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker, through the MGM Grand casino at 4 a.m. Monday, after leaping onto him from the front with her legs wrapped around his waist. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Actually, I’ve only said this once. But sometimes it's good to be a French millionaire basketball star with a hot girlfriend who likes to have sex and party in Vegas.

-Every year in MLB, a team with a large division lead will slump at the end of the year and be on the verge of losing their lead, and someone in the media will write a story saying "this is on par with the 1964 Phillies", a team that had a big lead but lost it in the end. This years version is the St. Louis Cardinals. But what about those 1964 Phillies? Not only did they have to live through that 42 years ago, but every year, they have to be reminded about it as soon as a team from the current year starts to slump. Doesn’t seem fair to me.

Terrell Owens tried to kill himself. I'm taking it pretty hard. Why, T.O., WHY!?
Why, when you have so much left to live for?
Why, when you have so many fans who love you?
Why, when you have yet to win that illusive Super Bowl ring?
Why, when the Dallas Cowboy fans have yet to see what you're truely capable of?

But most importantly....
WHY, T.O.... when I picked you in the first round in my fantasy league and had you starting this week against a tough opponent and you owed me a productive week following 3 weeks of JACK SQUAT!!

• Complete crossword on old Pop Tart box and recycle box

• Consider switch from Colgate to Crest (possibly Aquafresh?)

• Buy box of Alpha-bits and remove all the O's and mix them in with Cheerio's; wait to see if anyone notices

• Save someone from burning vehicle/building so I can be on local news; mention this website during interview to increase hit count

• Buy more Pop Tarts

• Build ceiling for my cubicle

• Remove gasoline containers from my trunk to avoid arousing suspicion vis-a-vis the above rescue

• Find out what the little squiggle thing (~) on my keyboard is called and what it's for

• Research origin of universe

• Write Best Man speech for Brian's wedding

• Find out when Brian's wedding is

• Get oil changed (don't let neighbor do it again)

• Write "to do list" **IN PROGRESS**

• Ask HR if "overworked" is a good excuse for absence

• Research what was great before sliced bread

• Learn to swim

• Buy raincoat (or umbrella)

• Practice penmanship

• Learn all the words to "Unbreak My Heart"

• Bring digital camera to wedding (remember to remove incriminating photos)

• Buy candy corn

• Finish watching "The Benchwarmers" on DVD

• Join a club

• Contact patent office about my idea for a device that plays music that fits in pocket

• Have that rash looked at

• Buy Calamine

• Start exercising

• Contact Enzyte about possible refund

• So a bunch of guys do illegal steroids, then the guys who rat them out go to jail? What kind of screwed up system is that?

• I want to go to Olive Garden sometime and order the "piskety".

• As stressed out as I was last October, I'm almost glad that the Sox decided to suck their way out of contention this year. Candy corn anyone?

• Did you see the season premier of The Office last night? An instant classic. The scene with the Jello mold was by far the funniest moment in the show ever. Can that really be done? My cubicle neighbor has a bunch of stuff that needs to be Jellofied.

• Is it okay to find Jamie Pressley kind of attractive? That doesn't make me white trash by association does it?

• What's the statute of limitations on how long I have to keep a greeting card? Is 10 seconds long enough?

• Did anyone watch Survivor last night? I missed it. In case you hadn't heard, they've separated the teams by race this year. I'm not sure if their intention is to show that stereotypes are incorrect or that they are correct but just off the top of my head, here's a quick list of events the producers probably don't want to have happen this season:
  
• An asian team member wins the car and subsequently drives it into the ocean.
• The chubby white girl gets romantic with one of the black guys. (Ok so there isn't a chubby white girl this season, and I think we know why)
  
• Someone on the white team says the words, "you people".
  
• The hispanic team escapes the island and swims to Miami.
  

This may have been my favorite Joe Morgan chat of all time. These things are supposed to be an hour long; this one lasted 9 minutes, and he barely answered any of the questions.

Jones (long Beach, Calif.): Hi Joe, back in your day, did players care about winning awards? I know you won two, but you were about winning. My dad says that no one today plays with the same intensity and fire Joe Morgan used to play with.

Joe Morgan: I don't think you can paint everybody with that same brush. If you just look in general, players are more conscious of their statistics today than before. But I don't blame them, because the money is so enormous and they get paid on statistic, whereas before you got paid on contributions to the teams.

I included this one simply because the words “fire Joe Morgan” were part of the question by Jones from Long Beach. I’ve been directed to go to firejoemorgan.blogspot.com. That site has good writing, and is a fun read.

Brandon, Eden Prairie, MN: Joe, after his 5-5 proformance last night in a east coast game, did Morneau boost his MVP chances? Seems like all he needs is a little more exposure and he would be the hands down winner.

Joe Morgan: I don't think he would be a hands down winner, but more exposure would help him. No one gets as much exposure as anyone that plays for the Yankees and the White Sox also get a lot now. I don't even know if I would vote for him because I haven't seen him enough.

YES! He doesn’t know if he would vote for him because he hasn’t seen him enough. Isn’t that the best? Does anybody know if Joe actually gets to vote for this thing? If he does, that comment alone should be enough to strip him of the privilege. I couldn’t believe he actually typed that.

Justin FJM (Denville, NJ): hi Joe - I've read Dusty Baker quoted a couple times about how it's not real helpful to get on base if you're just going to "clog up the bases" -- what do you think he means by this? I would think being on base would always be good.

Joe answered with his standard nonsense, but I wanted to point out a possible mole. Notice the person’s name who asked the question (Justin FJM). Could the “FJM” stand for Fire Joe Morgan perhaps? If Justin is from the “firejoemorgan” website, I think I want to meet those guys.

Sean, Ontario: Hi Joe, DO you think the Indians should move Martinez to 1b?

Joe Morgan: I don't see him enough. I know that they're not always happy with his catching ability. I don't see him enough to decide whether they should move him or whether he needs to work harder on his defense.

No, of course not. Obviously, a guy can’t provide commentary on a team he doesn’t watch. Which begs the question, WHY THE EF DOES JOE PROVIDE COMMENTARY?!?!?!?!

Bears rookie cornerback Danieal Manning had another good game on Sunday, this after getting an interception in Week 1 against Green Bay. Asked how he’s been able to make the transition to the NFL such a smooth one so far, Manning said, “I hate my first name; it gives me motivation.”

Maurice Clarett’s agent is undecided about the former Ohio State running back’s future in the NFL after he agreed to a 3.5 year prison term. “I do know that he’s not retired,” said the agent. “He’ll be in prison for 3 years, which means he can’t kill any real citizens. So that’s good news.”

The Denver Post reports that the Portland Trailblazers might have interest in a potential sign-and-trade for free-agent DerMarr Johnson. Said the Blazers GM, “We don't have enough mediocre, overpaid also-rans that nobody has ever heard of, and DerMarr fits that bill perfectly.”

According to the Denver Post, the Nuggets are making a strong push to fill their shooting guard position with Bonzi Wells. Said the Nuggets GM, “We don't have enough mediocre and overpaid guys on our team that everyone thinks is good even though they aren’t and their teams never win, and we feel that Bonzi fits that bill perfectly.”

Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli was asked what his team can do against Green Bay this Sunday to avoid starting the season 0-3. “Don’t talk to me about that right now,” he said. “I have more important things to worry about, like my teeth. I mean honestly, have you seen these things? They’re hideous.”

American tennis player Andy Roddick has consulted with former great Pete Sampras for advice on how to win the Davis Cup in Moscow. Asked to comment, Sampras said “yeah, he approached me for advice, but I turned him away. He sucks and I don’t want his busted ass ruining my legacy.”

The White Sox appear on the brink of elimination from the playoffs, one year after winning the World Series, and as a lot of expert’s preseason favorites to repeat. Asked if they could be considered underachievers, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said, “F_ck you. You can go f_ck yourself for all I care. People say we win da World Series last year but we sh_t now, well that’s fine. I will take da blame. I no blame my players. They no underachieve; I underachieve. My coaches underachieve. Sh_t. All year I hear the same sh_t. Well f_ck you.”

Some things never change.

-My favorite part of Friday jean day at work is when somebody shows up looking like they scraped the bottom of their dresser for the gayest jeans they could find. It’s like they’ve never worn jeans before. The bonus is when there is a sighting of acid-washed jeans or even white socks with black shoes. Classic.

-Speaking of acid-washed jeans, isn’t it weird to think that all of those mullet-clad teenagers from the 80’s are approaching their 40’s now? The best is when they have a young kid who is now sporting the mullet. Kind of like a passing of the torch. I don’t know what my point is.

-I just read a story about a Middle-Eastern religious group that is mad about something. I’d link you to it, but you probably read a similar story yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. And so on. And so on.

-Sometimes I’ll be flipping through the movie channels and I’ll notice a movie that I’ve never heard of, but it has a cast of like 3 or 4 Hollywood A-Listers in it and I’ll think to myself “why have I never heard of this?” Then after like 5 or 10 minutes of watching it, the reason becomes quite clear.

-I have nothing to do this weekend. Seriously. It’s the first time since March where I have no weekend plans on a Friday afternoon. So I’ll leave you with my weekend football picks: Lions +8.5, Ravens -11.5, Colts -13.5, Browns +10.5, Dolphins -6.5, Vikings +2, Eagles -3, Buccaneers +6, Saints +2, Rams -3, Seahawks -7, Jets +6, Chargers -11.5, Chiefs +10.5, Redskins +6, and Steelers -1.5

NOTE: Last week, I was 9-7

Thank you for calling Lattimore Materials, how may I direct your call?

Yeah hi, this is Brian, I'm with AT&T. Um, can I speak with Donna please?

Oh, hi Lisa. Yes of course, just a second. I'll transfer you.

Dear 40 Year Old Virgin,
I’m a male in my mid 20’s and have been having relationship problems with women. I’m thinking of just going celibate. What do you think?
-Confused

Dear Confused,
I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kind of want to get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm a gay guy now".


Dear 40 Year Old Virgin,
I was at a bar last weekend and there was this girl there that looked really nice, but I could never get the nerve to approach her. What could I have done?
-Pansy

Dear Pansy,
All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "tackle drunk bitches."


Dear 40 Year Old Virgin,
I married a guy that I met a couple days ago, but haven’t told anyone. I’m especially nervous about what my Mom will think since we’re pretty close, and I’m afraid she’ll be devastated that I went through with this without her knowing. Do you think I should tell her?
-Moron

Dear Moron,
Yeah, you should definitely tell her, because I saw this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was "don't lie." And that was a smart movie.

Ralph (NYC): Joe, with the emergence of Delmon Young and how dominant he's been since his call-up, do you think that he'll be the starting RF'er for the Rays next year? Also, how do they fix their pitching?

Joe Morgan: I haven't seen him play at all, I've seen his highlights. I've had plenty of people tell me that he's a special player. He seems to have what it takes to be a star in the big leagues.

Perfect. He hasn’t seen him play at all. Some things never change. It’s a good thing Derek Jeter doesn’t play for the D-Rays.

Frank Jones (Modesto): Joe, have you had a chance to see much of the Dodgers this year? They really turned the franchise around when they stopped evaluating players based on stats and started finding guys who played hard and knew how to win. Do you think they can win the NL?

Joe’s answer to Frank was pretty boring and meaningless, but I wanted to include this question just to show that the readers are finally getting hip to him. Frank prefaced his question by making sure Joe had seen the Dodgers play. Brilliant.

ian (Miami, FL): How about them Marlins. Can you say Wild Card. What you think Joe???

Joe Morgan: Well, they can because they have strong pitching and they have Cabrera as their stabilizer in the middle of the lineup. Yes, they can. A couple of weeks ago, I predicted the Phillies, with the leadership of Ryan Howard.

Yeah, it’s Ryan Howard’s leadership. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s hit like 2000 HR’s this year.

Robert (Brentwood): Joe, who do you think has the most intangibles of anyone in baseball?

Seems like a leading question to me since Joe loves intangibles over actual player talent, but I must admit that I admire the spirit that Robert from Brentwood shows here by asking it, almost like he’s hoping for nonsense. A smart idea that I wish I’d thought of.

Joe Morgan: I'm not sure what you mean with intangibles. It's a term that's used to describe a player that don't hit a lot of homeruns or drive in a lot of runs and it doesn't show up in a box score, but still has an impact on the game. With that said, there are a lot of players out there that fit that bill.

In other words, they suck at baseball, but they have a hot wife who shows up on the occasional road trip.

Andrew (WI): Hello Joe. How many bases do you think you could steal against today's pitchers and catchers if you were still in your prime? Thanks.

Joe Morgan: That's a difficult question. I have no idea. All I can say is that I could steal a base any time I needed to. That's a tough question.

That’s unedited. He really said that.

Jeff (Eagle Mountain, UT): Joe, who would you rather have as your catcher for the next 15 years: Joe Mauer, Brian McCann, or Russell Martin?

Joe Morgan: It's like with Liriano and Harden and some of these guys. It's too early to tell who is going to be consistent year in and year out.

It’s a good thing Joe’s not a scout or a GM.
“Hey Joe, you have the first pick in the draft. Who you taking?”
“Can I wait 10 years or so before I pick? I want to see which of these kids will be good first.”

Joe’s Final Thought:
Joe Morgan: I know a lot of people think that certain pitchers should be considered for the MVP award, but I disagree, the Cy Young award is for the best pitcher. No matter how many HRs Ryan Howard hits, he can't win the Cy Young award, so why should a pitcher win the MVP?

Even though I'm pretty indifferent to just about every individual off-season award because there's never a formula to win any of them, you have to appreciate Joe's logic here in comparing the Cy Young Award's criteria to the MVP's. Maybe Joe doesn't realize that Cy Young was a real person who was also arguably the greatest pitcher of all time. Then again, maybe Joe is just mad that the MVP Award isn't named after Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, or Tony Perez.

Quote from Jill yesterday as we're watching the Bears game and the camera focuses on Rex Grossman, who is on the sideline with his helmet off: "You know, he's not very good looking."

Conversation with my co-worker Alex Varghese, who sits right next to me, about 5 minutes ago:
Alex: "Hey, you had a pretty good game yesterday."
Brian: "What are you talking about?"
Alex: "You had that nice touchdown pass in the 1st quarter."
Brian: "I don't get it."
Alex: "Dude, you look just like Rex Grossman."

-I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more on Sunday: Brett Favre’s three interceptions, or Rex Grossman’s knee explosion.

-I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more on Sunday: The Indian’s 4-game sweep of the White Sox or the Tiger’s 4-game sweep of the Twins.

-I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more on Sunday: Thomas Jones’s 120 yards on 25 carries, or Cedric Benson’s 8 yards on 5.

-I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more on Sunday: the inevitable phone call from Frank wondering what’s going on with the White Sox, or Tom Waddle on The Final Word wondering what’s going on with the White Sox.

-I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more on Sunday: Derek Lee’s 3-run HR in the 7th to give the Cubs the lead or Ryan Dempster’s blown save in the 9th.

-I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more on Sunday: Jay Mariotti’s column that bashes the White Sox, or the look on my face Sunday morning as I read it.

-I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more on Sunday: Lovie Smith telling the media that he likes his football team, or Jerry Angelo telling the media that he REALLY likes his football team.

-I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more on Sunday: Turning on HBO at night to get away from all of the Chicago sporting nonsense, or getting a call from Jill to tell me none of it matters anyway.

-On second thought, I’ll take the call from Jill.

-Paris Hilton was pulled over last night for “driving erratically”. It turns out that she was drunk (or at least over the legal driving limit), but I’d be willing to bet that she normally drives that way. So could her being pulled over be considered a form of profiling?

-I love Thursdays. But only because I’ve made it a habit to make Thursday night my “Dairy Queen Heath Bar Blizzard” night.

-Reason # 447 that I am officially getting old. I read somewhere that Heath Bar Blizzards from Dairy Queen are the #2 most popular Blizzard, but most of the sales come from people over 40.

-I don’t know what gets me more excited; a pitcher who gets a no-hitter, or his media session afterwards if he’s Venezuelan. I so happy.

-Seriously, why do they make us mix that sh##?

-My least favorite part of the last two Septembers has been when the White Sox lose a game, everyone says their season is over. Then the next day when they win, everyone starts anticipating the playoffs again. Sometimes I wish I were a Cubs fan.

-Jill and I were in discussion to have Lyle Lovett’s “Nobody Knows Me” as our wedding song, but then I remembered that this song was used in 90210 after Dylan’s girlfriend (the Noxzema girl) was killed, and we can’t have that.

Q: What does Greg have in common with the Detroit Lions offense?
A: We're both going three and out!

That's right. Following the birth of kid number three several weeks ago, it's that time. Soon, my swim team will retire from competition and be restricted to recreational swimming only.

Today was my intial consult visit with the doctor who will be performing the procedure. Basically, the point of the appointment was to go over the important information before any final decisions are made.

The nurse called me into the room, as is the standard operating procedure for any doctor visit, even when there is not going to be any operating or procedures. As she took me back to the room, I quickly decided that this was the nurse I would want assisting my doctor during the "big game". I'm not going to say she was unattractive, but if this was an episode of Survivor, she would have been the only woman to form an alliance with the old men.

I think the vasectomy is one instance where you hope for the ugly one, unlike getting a haircut, where you would gladly take the attractive stylist even if it meant a horrible haircut. But that's all irrelevant anyway because Greg's First Law of Hair Salons states that if you go into a salon and there are 7 stylists, one of which is ugly, that is the one you will get. Or, in my case, I invariably get the stylist who is so large and lazy that she doesn't even walk around me to cut my hair but rather stands in one place and spins the chair so I'm dizzy by the end of it. But I digress...

After a couple uncomfortable exchanges with the nurse...

Nurse: "So how's the new baby?"
Me: "Great! He's really great!"
Nurse: "I can't wait to have kids. I want to have lots and lots of them. So what brings you in today?"
Me: "Vasectomy."

...she left me in the room with an article to read entitled "Your Vas Deferens and You" or something like that. It was really an interesting article, full of thought provoking words like "puncture" and "incision" and "local anesthetic" and "celery" (yeah, that one surprised me too).

About the time I finished the article, the doctor came in. It was my first time meeting this particular doctor and I have to say, I'm not sure that meeting him has eased my mind any about this already nerve-racking procedure. There is one trait in particular that has me thinking twice. He speaks like he has marbles in his mouth. Seriously, I could barely understand a word.

"But, Greg," you might ask, "what does a man's speech have to do with his ability to render you permanantly sterile?" Absolutely nothing. I'm sure he's a very talented surgeon. However, I can't help but be a little apprehensive about letting the guy down there. Maybe it's just me but I'm pretty sure I'll feel a little weird when, from behind the curtain and between my legs, I hear what sounds like a man speaking with his mouth full.

I'm at the Citgo by my house last night. It's about 7:30. I'm by myself, pumping gas, minding my own business. A stranger approaches.

"Excuse me Sir," he says. "I hate to bother you, but I'm in kind of a tough spot. This is really embarrassing, and I hate to do this, but I left my house this morning in kind of a rush and I forgot my wallet."

"Oh no," I think out loud, for one because that's a tough break for this guy, but also because I know what's coming.

"Again, I really hate to do this," he says. "But if you could spare a couple dollars, I would really appreciate it. I'm out of gas, I live about 15 minutes away, and I just need enough to get me home."

These are the types of moments that define us I guess. What if I was in a similar situation? I don't think I would ever be, but that's not really the point. The point is, fate has made this poor guy forget his wallet, and fate has put me here to help him. I couldn't turn him away. So I pull out a five dollar bill from my wallet.

"Here you go," I say.

"Oh, bless you Man," he says. "I really appreciate this."

He goes inside the store, presumably to pre-pay for his $5 worth of gas.

As I continue to fill my tank, I watch him inside the store out of the corner of my eye. I think to myself that I don't want him coming back asking for something else, and I remember feeling bad that I was actually thinking this. What kind of person am I? But then I notice something. He's inside the store staring back at me. Now I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. Who is this guy? Why is he staring at me through the window? Why doesn't he just pay for his gas and move on? Does he want something else?

I hurriedly finish filling my tank and I get inside my car. I peer up towards the store to take a peek. Whew, he's not staring at me anymore.

Oh my goodness, he's standing at the instant ticket Lottery machine. You have got to be kidding me. He was staring at me because he was waiting for me to leave so that he could buy a ####### Lotto ticket.

Twice in two minutes, I find myself in a defining situation. Now I have to decide whether or not to confront this guy. On the one hand, I know full well what I am capable of in these situations, and this makes me comfortable. On the other hand, I have absolutely no idea what this other guy is capable of, and this makes me not so comfortable. Plus, he looks like O-Dog from Menace II Society, and that guy didn't give a #### about anything. Then I think of Jill, and how if she was in the car with me, there would be no way I'd get out, and probably no way that she'd let me.

So I drive away, pissed that I had $5 stolen from me, pissed that I knew who did it, pissed that I did nothing about it, and pissed that I had been taken advantage of.

Then again, I wasn't killed over something so trivial. Maybe this guy was prepared to kill me if I had turned him away. Maybe this guy actually was O-Dog. Maybe I'm on borrowed time from now on, and all it cost was $5.

-I never thought my life could get any lamer as I found myself watching an episode of “Next” on MTV on Saturday afternoon. But then a gay episode came on and I was proven wrong.

-I'm addicted to "High School Stories" though. Good programming idea there.

-When was the last time you went to Blockbuster and found a movie that you were excited to see?

-Speaking of Blockbuster, I always find it amusing when they dedicate an entire column to a movie that sucks. Are there really that many people that want to see "Bewitched"?

-When you drive in to a town, there’s always a sign that welcomes you that includes the year that the town was founded, like “Welcome to Glendale Heights, founded in 1959”. But isn’t that poor English? You wouldn’t say “this morning I founded my car keys”.

-Does anyone else find themselves (or should I say “finded themselves”) feeling a rush of excitement with the news of a celebrity death? To me, the bigger the celebrity, the bigger the rush. Tough to explain.

-To be fair, I was sad when I heard that Steve Irwin had died. The 70’s had Olivia Newton John, the 80’s had Paul Hogan and Mel, and the 90’s had Steve. Unfortunately, I don’t see anyone taking over the reins as everyone’s favorite Australian for this decade, and I can’t see myself liking Russell Crowe any time soon.

-I guess what I’m saying is Heath Ledger better start popping out hits that don’t involve a cowboy theme real soon.

-Is it creepy that I find Natalie Portman attractive when I watch "Beautiful Girls" even though she was only like 15 at the time the movie was made? Or am I off the hook because she's in her 20's now?

-If the No.1 movie in the country doesn’t gross at least $20 million, is it really fair to call it the No.1 movie? It’s like when Tony Gwynn won the batting title in 1988 with a .313 average. Sure, you’ll take the trophy, but it’s almost embarrassing.

Andrew (WI): Why is the media so harsh when talking about Manny Ramirez? He always puts up good numbers and plays when he is healthy.

Joe Morgan: I would like to know the same thing. I'm a big Manny fan. Even when they tried to trade him he still put up great numbers.

Maybe it’s because he takes plays off in the field, seems disinterested at times, and doesn’t run out ground balls. But that would be nitpicking.

Michael (Pittsford, NY): Hi Joe, Quick question about Robinson Cano. Have you had much opportunity to watch Robinson Cano play the field? On the one hand, he looks very smooth, and makes some exceptional plays. On the other hand, he drops some routine balls, and seems to be a little non-chalant.

Joe Morgan: I won't use the word non chalant but he does look a little too relaxed.

Joe, I wouldn’t say you’re an idiot, but I would say you’re a moron.

Zack (San Leandro, CA): Re: Manny Maybe his lackluster, disinterested baserunning and defense have something to do with that supposedly unfair perception.

Good catch Zack. Whether it’s fair or unfair, I think the reasoning is clear why some people don’t like Manny. But I’m sure Joe will find a way to side-step the issue entirely and ignore your point.

Joe Morgan: We can say something negative about every player. There are no perfect players. But Manny has proven he is one of the best players in the game. There are times when he doesn't run the bases as well as he would like. But you are trying to make him perfect. None of it flys with me. I appreciate the way he plays the game.

I was right. And Joe, Zack wasn’t trying to make him perfect. He was just helping you answer the question from earlier that you answered incorrectly.

Rick (NYC): Is it possible for Joe Girardi to win Manager of the Year and get fired? Is Loria out of his mind?

Joe Morgan: I don't think he will win Manager of the Year. What about Willie Randolph? He has been without Pedro and Glavine and dealt with so many injuries yet they have the best record in the league. How could Girardi be Manager of the Year with a .500 record? I don't understand that.

Well first of all Joe, these awards are all subjective anyway. In a way, they’re quite pointless since there’s no real formula for winning and it’s voted on by people who are stupid. However, to answer your question, Girardi could be considered a Manager of the Year because his team has a .500 record with a total payroll of $14.3 million, while the Mets have a total payroll of $100.9 million. To put that in perspective, the highest paid Marlin would be the 9th highest paid Met.

Jenny (WVa): What is Jeter's weakness? Also, Why would Willie Randolph win Manager of the Year when he is more or less a caretaker of an already stacked team?

Joe Morgan: How is the team stacked when they were without Cliff Floyd and all those injuries! I can't argue with people who don't understand the game. Just because you have talent doesn't mean you will win. The manager has to put that talent to good use. Has Joe Torre been a caretaker his whole career? Of course not.

Ignores the first question completely, then goes off on poor Jenny, who was asking a simple and legitimate question. Notice the tell in Joe’s response. He’s called out for an asinine answer to a previous question, then immediately goes on a harsh defensive by questioning Jenny’s knowledge of the game. Typical and sad. Even Joe should be ashamed of himself here. By the way Joe, Cliff Floyd sucks, and has sucked for some time now.

Tyler (Ohio): Tiger woods has to be the most dominant player of this era. Plain and simple.

Joe Morgan: He is the most dominant golfer. To say he is the most dominant athlete .. I'm not sure about that.

He didn’t. Dumb question though. In fact, it wasn’t even a question. Where am I?

TJ (LA): Joe - Why doesn't MLB standardize on a radar gun?

Joe Morgan: Because each team wants you to think their guy is pitching harder. It's all public relations and MLB doesn't care.

Or it could be the fact that radar guns have to be individually calibrated.

Joe (Detroit): How many wins did you have the Marlins slated for at the beginning of the season with a 14 million dollar payroll ? The Mets payroll is how much ? Girardi should be manager of the year hands down.

Joe Morgan: So the way you vote is on expectations from analysts before the season? What was the projection for the Mets? Didn't most people pick the Mets to finish third with all that talent?

No.

Derek (CT): Hey everybody, stop being so hard on Joe Morgan! Everyone is entitled to their opinions, particularly a two time MVP and World Series champion!!

Joe Morgan: Thanks, Derek. But I like folks to have their opinions. We both deserve to have our own thoughts. Just don't get upset if we don't agree. We can disagree. That is what makes baseball and sports so much fun. There are varying opinions.

Joe, you were the only person who got upset. You disagreed with poor Jenny, yelled at her (unprovoked I might add), and questioned her baseball knowledge. Maybe this is how to argue in the bizarro-world, but in my opinion, it’s childish and shows a lack of self-confidence.

Until next time I guess.

Who had "Stingray Attack" in the Steve Irwin death pool? I actually read one story that called it "shocking". Really? Shocking? Waking up to news that Irwin died when he slipped on his bathroom floor would have been shocking. But when a guy that makes his living tempting death by playing with wild animals dies while hanging out with deadly stingrays, shocking it is not. It's sad and tragic for the Irwin's kids but certainly not shocking.

"An electric eel attack would REALLY have been shocking," says my 2 week old son, Jack.

I bet if you go outside and listen closely, you'll be able to hear the sound of half of the world's stand-up comics scrambling to rewrite tonight's act to replace their 15 minute Crocodile Hunter bit with more airline food jokes.

"The other half of them were too busy doing blow and banging road fatties today so they missed the news," says Jack.

My work ordered pizza for everyone at lunch today; we have a new guy from Texas who just joined the group. So as he was getting his food, I overheard him say "alright, I forgot. This is Chicago pizza. Where I'm from, we have crap."

I was standing right next to him, so I replied "Dude, it's from Garibaldi's."

He is officially learning his lesson right now.

It didn't stop either of us from getting seconds though.

Ask and I shall receive. A couple hours after mentioning that Joe had not chatted in a while, he had one today (that unfortunately, I missed live) and it was fantastic. It was a vintage Joe Morgan performance.

Mike: (York, Pa): Hey joe, how did you enjoy the Little League World Series? I know I enjoyed listening to you. Have fun.

Joe Morgan: I thought it was great. It was a fun event. It was the first time that I had ever been there. The excitement and pagentry was great. I thought it was great. But like everyone else, I hated to see one team lose, but it was great for them to get there.

Sounds like everything went great. Really great and great.

Nick Chicago: So is Jermaine Dye finally the top canidate for AL MVP?

Joe Morgan: When I was in Boston a couple of weeks ago, I said Derek Jeter was 1 and Big Papi was 1A and Dye was the other candidate. The other two guys are in heightened situations, but I think Dye is the most consistent producer from Day 1. Remember for a while, Big Papi was only hitting .250-.260. But Dye has been consistent, but he was overshadowed by Thome for a while.

I’m sorry, so is Dye finally the top candidate?

Dan (Mizzou): Should Cardinals fans really worry about the reds? We still have a 3 game lead.

Joe Morgan: I don't think the Reds are as big a concern as some of the other teams. The Reds are just not as consistent.

What other teams? The Reds are 3 games back of the Cardinals, and the next closest team is the Astros at 6 games back. What other teams Joe? He couldn't mean the Cubs, could he?

David (Chicago): Joe, How good do you think Josh Barfield can be? He has surpassed most expectations this year.

Joe Morgan: I haven't seen him play much. We've only done one Padre game.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your Emmy-award winning commentator Joe Morgan. Remember folks, one of his jobs is to know the answers to questions like these.

Dan (NYC): Hey Joe, Late last night Hideki Matsui was cleared for BP. If he is able to come back by October, how do you see him fitting into the Yankees lineup?

Joe Morgan: First and foremost a guy that sits out that long won't come back and make the same impact. He won't be the same Matsui that we saw last year at this time. We'll have to see what kind of production he can give them. You're not going to get much better with Matsui, you will with Sheffield. I say that because Sheffield can dominate a game and carry you for days at a time.

Uh, Joe? Sheffield has been on the DL since before Matsui. Wanna re-think that argument Big Guy? You just contradicted yourself WITHIN THE SAME FRIGGIN ANSWER!

mitch (mo val,ca): pedro or koufax in their primes?

Joe Morgan: That's a tough question, because you're looking at different eras. I'd probably go with Koufax, but it's a very tough decision, because I like to see them both pitch.

Is he doing this on purpose? He just contradicted himself again. He says it’s a tough question because we’re looking at different eras, but then he goes ahead and picks Koufax. Koufax pitched in one of the pitcher-friendliest eras of all time, while Pedro’s hitter-friendly era is on a scale that we’ll probably never see again. What the EF Joe?

Rickey (Oakland, CA): How good is this young Florida team? Are we looking at powerhouse for years to come?

Joe Morgan: I think they can be competitive for years to come. I don't know about a powerhouse. Young players today can go and play well, because there isn't any pressure on them.

A good point. There’s much more pressure on the veteran player with the guaranteed multi-year and multi-million dollar contract than there would be on the young player making the league minimum who can be sent to the minors at any time.

Dan (Philadelphia): Who's your NL MVP at the moment?

Joe Morgan: I would have to wait until who's in the playoffs. But at this point, I would go Howard, Beltran, Wright, Reyes, but Albert Pujols has to be in there some place too. But at this point, that's how I see it. If the Phillies get in the playoffs, I think Howard has a good chance of winning. If not, Beltran and Wright have a chance, with Reyes moving up quickly. That said, Pujols is the most valuable to his team.

Wow. If Dan from Philadelphia is anything like me, his head is spinning right now. I have a new theory on Joe though and it involves ADHD.

Mike (Milwaukee): Joe, As a hall of fame 2nd baseman I was wondering your thoughts on Rickie Weeks and his future in the League?

Joe Morgan: I haven't had much of a chance to check him out, but I have heard some good things. But I like to see a player myself before I say what he's going to do.

Joe, what teams DO you watch?

Justin FJM (Denville, NJ): Hi Joe - What do you think is the most important aspect of beinga leadoff hitter? Steals? On-base percentage?
Something else?

Joe Morgan: I think the most important thing is having a leadoff hitters mentality. By that, I mean is at the start of the game, taking some pitches so your teammates can see how the guy is throwing. You need that mentality. The second part is making things happen from that position. Then, it's getting on base.

I would say he’s just flat out wrong here. The correct answer is “getting on base first, speed second, baserunning ability third”. Maybe I’d flip-flop the last two, but those are the answers. Making things happen and having a certain mentality is a meaningless answer that doesn’t help anyone and provides no insight whatsoever.

Sorry for the length of the post today, but it’ had been a while since Joe had chatted and he had lots of material.

I thought I'd update you on some previous entries in which I told you I'd keep you posted.

-Old Guy is still calling me "Mike".

-I still get a Sun-Times delivered to me every day.

-Joe Morgan has not had a chat in a while.

-Pluto, as far as I can tell, has not regained its planet status.

-Our Sears kitchen appliances arrived. Steve did a great job.

-"Entourage" concluded on Sunday with another stellar episode. Hard to believe the strong finish in Season 3 after the start that it had.

-"Snakes on a Plane" opened to subpar reviews and subpar attendance.

-Ozzie Guillen is still spewing nonsense almost daily.

-I went golfing again and did much better. Still shot a 112, but this was considerably better than last time. Now you can speculate on my previous score. I'll give you a hint - a decent club player could have shot my score after 36 holes.

-Today, we are exactly 1 month from my wedding day.

I thought maybe I'd start a new feature at 1 Happy St. Many periodicals and online magazines have advice columns. I thought it might be fun to take that concept in a new direction and find out what happens when people ask advice of a movie. For this first installment, we welcome our special guest advice columnist, the movie Office Space. Let's begin.

Dear Office Space,
People sometimes tell me that I dress too drab and boring. What can I do to spruce up my wardrobe?
Sign me,
Frumpy in Fargo

Dear Frumpy,
If you want to, you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

Dear Office Space,
Is it true that too much self-gratification can result in blindness?
Sincerely,
Blurry in Biloxi

Dear Blurry,
Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

Dear Office Space,
I'm about to start my first year of college. This is both an exciting and nervous time for me. What advice can you give to a member of the class of 2010?
Signed,
Nervous in New Jersey

Dear Nervous,
The trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch.

Jermaine Dye has quietly put together an MVP caliber season this year for the Chicago White Sox. Dye is currently hitting .325 with 37 HRs and 99 RBIs, including 3 HRs and 6 RBIs in the last two games against the first place Detroit Tigers.

Visit our online store today to purchase a "DYE for MVP" t-shirt to support All Star right fielder, Jermaine Dye for AL MVP in 2006.

It's been reported that a school bus driver in Coushatta, LA has been separating the kids on her bus by race, white kids in the front, black kids in the back. No word yet on whether this was some sort of racism throwback day or just a regular day on the bus.

Coushatta authorities became suspicious when several of the parents of the segregated children complained that their kids came home singing "The Wheels on the Bus" song to the tune of "Let My People Go".

In other news, the Coushatta Mall's JC Penney is reporting that they've recently had a spike in sales of white sheets and 12 foot tall wooden crosses.

Earlier today, astronomers made it official that Pluto is no longer a planet. Since 1930, we have been told that Earth is the 3rd of 9 planets that revolve around the sun. Today, we are being told that all of that was a lie. Or at least a mistake. Now we are the 3rd of 8. Maybe tomorrow they'll discover another planet and tell us we're the 3rd of 9 again or even 10. Or maybe not even 3rd.

But should a group of scientists be allowed to wield this much power by eliminating planets? What next? Am I going to be told that the moon isn't really a moon? Better yet, should I believe them, or even care?

Personally, I do care, but not for a reason you'd think. I'm much more disappointed that the "MVEMJSNUP" episode of Saved by the Bell is now suddenly dated.

It’s time for everyone’s favorite game called “Fun with Wang”. Actually, it’s probably nobody's favorite game since I just made it up and it’s pretty juvenile, but maybe it’ll catch on with people who are as immature as I am. It’s easy to play. All you do is find newspaper articles about Yankees starting pitcher Chien-Ming Wang with sentences that make you giggle 8th-grade style. Consider the following:

- When Wang takes the mound at Fenway, he'll be deep enough in enemy territory to feel the moisture on his face.

See? It’s easy to play. And very juvenile. And very unnecessary. Which is why I like it. Why am I writing in sentence fragments like this? I don’t know. Okay, I’ll stop. Back to the game.

-Wang knows how precious his gifts are, particularly that stunning two-seamer that separates him from everyone else.

I’m not sure if that fit for the purposes of this game, but I used it anyway.

- Wang and Big Unit are starting to perform better as of late.

- There's not much about Wang that categorizes him as ordinary.

- Wang is as gentle as a monk in the clubhouse.

- Opposing teams would love to get their hands on Wang, but he’s here to stay.

- Wang has two trusty weapons; his sinker, and a zero-anxiety demeanor.

- Wang battles Colon today.

Okay, so that one was probably too juvenile even for me. Please accept my apologies.

I’ll end with this one. Hopefully it will get the bad taste out of your mouth. Er, I mean, hopefully you won’t find it as offensive.

- Wang has explosive stuff with great movement.

Okay, so this was probably the first AND LAST installment of “Fun with Wang”.

Congratulations to Greg, Becky, Andy, and Josh on the newest addition to the family, Lil' Jackson Christopher. Or should I say, congratulations to Tim, Jill, Brad, and Randy, on the newest addition Mark?

I hope Lil' Jackson knows that the "suck at golf" gene is in his DNA. I also hope he doesn't mind that his uncle Brian is going to call him "Lil' Jackson".

Last weekend I saw “World Trade Center”, the new Oliver Stone movie. By my count, this is the 3rd mainstream Hollywood movie that centers around the events of September 11th, 2001, following “Fahrenheit 9/11” from 2004 and “United 93” from earlier this year. As a person who has seen all three, I feel I am qualified to tell you that this latest version has been my favorite.

I went into the movie with a certain expectation of what the movie was going to be about after having read some of the reviews. So I knew ahead of time that this was not going to be a movie that focused on conspiracy theories, politics, or religion (at least not entirely). I wasn’t subjected to anyone’s opinion about the Bush administration (like in Fahrenheit 9/11) and I wasn’t given a point of view of a terrorist as they’re about to hijack a plane (like in United 93). Instead, the story revolved around two specific NYC Port Authority cops that became trapped under the buildings after they collapsed, what they did to stay alive, and what their families went through during the time that they were missing. One of the interesting things I learned from World Trade Center was that even while trapped under the rubble, the cops were not aware that the building had collapsed on top of them; they just thought that the lobby that they were standing in had blown up.

Even though the underlying theme of the movie was about 9/11, the story didn’t really focus on any of the details of what we have come to know about that day. I left the theater thinking that the same screenplay could have been used for any story in which there was a tragedy, a group of heroes, and an eventual character triumph. I must say, the angle that Oliver Stone told his story from was quite refreshing.

Boo, creepy suspected child murderer!














Hooray! Beer!

Oakland A’s owner Lewis Wolff has been nothing short of ecstatic over the recent performance of DH Frank Thomas, who was signed in the offseason. "It would be very sad if we didn't bring him back,” said Wolff. “He's been a great presence for us on and off the field." Told of Wolff’s comments, White Sox GM Kenny Williams laughed and said, “yeah, just wait until November when [Thomas] starts demanding A-Rod money.”

Chicago Cubs left-hander Rich Hill was forced into 2 innings of work in last night's 18-inning game against the Astros, even though he is scheduled to start today. "He'll still be ready to go [today]," said Dusty Baker. "I'll try to keep him under 100 pitches though."

The aftershocks of the brawl at the Palace of Auburn Hills in November 2004 continue to be felt. Ron Artest, who helped ignite the fury by going into the stands to confront a fan, begins five days of community service today as part of his court-ordered punishment. "Does Boy George think he's better than me?" screamed Artest. (courtesy of Donald)

Free Agent power forward Lonny Baxter (formerly of the Charlotte Bobcats) was arrested late Tuesday after shots were seen fired from his moving vehicle. Said Baxter, "I am without a contract right now, so I was hoping to attract some attention from the TrailBlazers.” In response to Baxter, Blazers coach Nate McMillan said, “we appreciate the gesture by Lonny, but all he needed was a simple marijuana possession charge. This was a little over the top.”

Red Sox outfielder Wily Mo Pena made a crucial error in right field on Tuesday night, allowing the eventual game-winning run to score in their 3-2 loss to the Tigers. "I can't believe I have a job in this league," said Pena. "I play baseball like an uncoordinated uncle at a family picnic. All I'm missing is a beer in my non-glove hand."

Tiger Woods was asked what he thinks his chances are of winning the PGA Championship at Medina this weekend. "I don't like to make predictions," said Tiger. "But if I can stay focused on my game and not on Phil [Mickelson]'s man-boobs, I should be okay."