1 Happy St

Did you ever notice that certain sides of particular arguments are always trying to inaccurately label historic figures in an attempt to expose hypocrisy?

First there was a movement to insist that Jesus was black. This was undoubtedly an effort to make all them southern racist Christians square their faith against the possibility that their Savior was one of the people they hate. This was obviously a preposterous theory since Jesus was from the Middle East. Jesus was no more a black man than Conan O'Brien.

Then we heard theories that Hitler was part Jewish, as if that made his annihilation of 6 million Jews any less of an atrocity. This strikes me as sort of like saying, "See? He's one of YOU GUYS! You brought it upon yourselves!"

Over the last 10 years or so, we've been hearing that Abraham Lincoln was gay. Clearly, the intention here is to devalue the patron saint of the Republican Party by portraying him as a homosexual, as if that's supposed to make Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity march through the streets of San Francisco with rainbow flags.

All this got me thinking about what theory we'll hear next. Here are my predictions:

• George Washington was a compulsive liar.
• Charlton Heston is a vegetarian.
• William Shakespeare was dyslexic.
• Orson Wells was bulimic.
• Mr. Rogers beat his kids.
• Hugh Beaumont was a polygamist.
• Ronald Reagan's favorite color was red.
• Burt Reynolds pees sitting down.

I'm sitting in the waiting room of the eye doctor during my lunch break yesterday. There is a young couple sitting directly across from me. The guy has a blank stare on his face and is looking straight ahead, occasionally fumbling with the chain that is connecting the wallet in his pocket to his belt. The girl is infinitely more chipper and is talking with the older lady sitting next to her.

I eavesdrop to hear that they're newlyweds. The girl tells the old lady that they just got married two weeks ago. They haven't gone on a honeymoon yet, but they're planning on going to California shortly after Christmas.

The guy continues to stare straight ahead. At one point we make eye contact, but he quickly lowers his head and continues to stare in silence. I do the same because I don't want to get caught in an eavesdrop.

The lady at the front desk calls out a name.

"Heidi," she says.

The newlywed girl stands up.

"I just need to know your birthdate," says the lady at the desk.

"Oh," says Heidi. "It's 2/20/87."

- When asked to name the most underrated performer in his field, rapper Kevin Federline paused for about 12 seconds then replied, "Me."

The whole country collectively spits out their coffee.

- Tigers catcher Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez, who had 0 hits in 24 consecutive playoff at-bats, had this endorsement from his manager prior to Game 4 of the World Series: "We're sticking with Pudge because we feel he gives us the best chance to win."

Rodriguez's backup spits out his coffee.

- Nicole Richie, whose rail-thin appearance in recent photos has stoked tabloid speculation of an eating disorder, has checked into a treatment facility to address her inability to gain weight. “She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition," said spokeswoman Nicole Perna.

Guy from Ethiopia wishes he had a cup of coffee so he could spit it.

-My co-worker Sam (talking to me, and unprovoked): "I think if you lost about 5 pounds, those pants you’re wearing would fit you perfectly."

Brian spits out mouthful of French fries.

Reese & Ryan have split up! Now if you'll excuse me while I do the dance of joy.

- I prefer "Bubblegum Bubblegum" over "eeny meeny miny moe" and "Inky Binky Bonky". It's the only one that encourages audience participation, and I think that's a good thing.

- On David Letterman’s nightly Top 10 list, why is the #1 answer always the least funny?

- Sometimes I get House Speaker Dennis Hastert and actor Dennis Haysbert confused. To make things worse, Dennis Hastert kind of looks like former Illinois Secretary of State George Ryan, which causes me to get current Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White and actor Dennis Haysbert confused in a roundabout way. If Jesse White ever says “it is very bad to drink Jobu’s rum” or “that’s Allstate’s stand” during a speech, my head may explode.

- Okay, I’ll say it. That Michael J. Fox commercial freaks me out.

- I just read that the chances of winning the grand prize in the McDonald’s monopoly game are 1 in 4.5 trillion. Which means I have a better chance of being struck by lightning while cashing in my winning lotto ticket.

- Speaking of odds, what were the chances that NBC would have two pilots in the same season that revolved around the inner-workings of a sketch comedy show, and is it possible to be a fan of one or the other without being confused about which one you’re watching? A special thanks to NBC for making the titles similar.

- Okay, I’ll say it Part II. Joel Zumaya scares me. Not quite as much as Ray Lewis, but it’s getting close. The next prison movie that comes out should have Zumaya playing the Mexican group leader.

- Since the E! Channel cut down on the number of SNL reruns it airs at night, I can now come up with exactly zero reasons why that channel still exists.

- I looked up my own name on Wikipedia and it brings me to a guy from California who is younger than me who develops video game software. If this info was put there by anybody other than him, I may have to kill myself.

- I think I can go turn on the television right now, flip through every channel I have, and there’s a better than 90% possibility that I’d be able to find some version of Law and Order on. And yet I don’t know a single person that watches any of them.

- I think I may have accidentally discovered that my right foot is bigger than my left. About a year ago, I bought a pair of dress shoes with no laces and I noticed that the left shoe was loose on my foot while the right shoe fit snuggly. So I simply chalked it up to a defective shoe. But last week, I bought a new pair of the exact same style and am now having the same problem. This cannot be a coincidence, can it?

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/15406358/?GT1=8618

November is National Novel Writing Month. What is National Novel Writing Month, you ask, obviously having not clicked on the link provided? National Novel Writing Month is a month in which the founders of National Novel Writing Month are asking that any aspiring writers dedicate themselves to writing a novel.

Do you have the dedication to write a 175 page, 50,000 word novel in 30 days? Neither do I. But I thought it might be fun to try. So I'm going to. You should too. We here at 1 Happy St. will have the link to the National Novel Writing Month webpage up on the menu to the right for the duration of National Novel Writing Month.

I'm not saying that I will finish my novel. In fact, I'm guessing that if you ask me how my novel is coming on November 20th, I'll probably look at you like you're speaking dolphin. Nonetheless, I'm registered and jacked up about writing lots and lots and lots of words. Can you tell?

It’s time now to play a game I like to call “Coffee Spit”. It’s where I take a quote in the newspaper from a sports figure, politician, or basically anyone in the news, then tell you who would have spit out their morning coffee in shock after having read it. For example, years ago, I could have used the quote from Bill Clinton when he said “I did not have sex with that woman”, at which point Monica Lewinsky would have spit out her coffee. See? It’s a real simple game and loads of fun.

- “A lot of things were drive-killers [in this game],” said Miami Dolphins quarterback Joey Harrington following their loss to the Packers. “We had dropped balls, penalties, a lot of things.”

All of his wide receivers spit out their coffee.

- “Well, it’s like, you know, everybody does it,” said former Cubs manager Dusty Baker when asked his opinion about Kenny Rogers. “So like Tony LaRussa, I wouldn't have done anything either.”

Every GM that had him as a managerial candidate spits out their coffee.

- Citizens of South Korea attended a pro-United States rally on Tuesday, which included the burning of the North Korean flag, as well as pictures of leader Kim Jong Il. “We support the United States,” said South Korean citizen Liu Kim.

All radical Muslims spit out their coffee.

- “It’s one thing to cheat and get away with it,” said former Major League pitcher Tommy John. “But it’s another thing to be so blatant about it like Kenny was.”

Barry Bonds spits out his steroids.

There are few things as humbling as throwing up at work. Today I'm pretty humble.

I'd been nursing a pretty nasty chest cold for the last week, so I went to the doctor yesterday. She gave me a 5-day antibiotic, so it's pretty strong. It said to take it with a meal, so I took it at lunch. I got two sandwiches from Wendy's to be sure it would have lots of food to digest with. That turned out to be an unwise decision. About an hour later, I was worshipping at the porcelain altar.

By the way, I want to take this time to send out special thanks to my friend and co-worker Doug, who could have kept the fact that he heard the sounds of yacking thru the bathroom door to himself, but instead thought it better to wait for me to come out so he could announce to the world that Greg just got done chucking. Gracias, Doug.

Ironically enough, the antibiotic seems to be working and I'm feeling a lot better today. However, I just took another one with a Sausage McMuffin so I'll let you know if I take a turn for the worse in about an hour. Or Doug will.

- I really can’t blame Kenny Rogers for making up that nonsense about not knowing what was on his hand last night. If I pooped on my hand, I wouldn’t tell people about it either.

- I can’t wait for the Redskins to give Lance Briggs a max deal this off-season, even though he is currently playing in a system that makes it nearly impossible for an outside linebacker to not have inflated tackling stats.

- Then again, this may be my way as a Bears fan to downplay the fact that the Bears will be without one of their Pro Bowlers on defense next year.

- I saw "Jarhead" on HBO over the weekend. An entertaining movie, but I can’t recommend it because there was no warning beforehand of the over-the-top use of Jake Gyllenhaal’s man-butt.

- Don’t get me wrong; I have no problem with Jake’s man-butt. But at least give me a warning beforehand so I can prepare for it.

- I’m willing to jump on board that rhythm is a dancer, but you will never convince me that it’s also my soul’s companion. I mean c’mon.

- I love it when a media guy says that a certain athlete "needs to shut up and play". Isn’t the athlete just answering a question from a different media guy?

- Yes, that was me two random’s ago referencing an awful early-90’s dance song. That was also me using the word "random" as a noun. Or was that a pronoun?

- I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel with a guy named "Obama" as President. It’s just too close. Couldn’t he change his last name to "Miller" or something?

-Whenever a ghost in a movie tries to grab an object, their hand always waves right through it. So why don’t they ever fall through the floor? You’d think movie ghosts would have to hang out in basements (courtesy of Jill).

-I don’t know how to pronounce the rapper Fabolous’s name. Do I pronounce it just like it’s written, or is it just a clever spelling? I’m also not sure if this makes me feel more old or more white.

-I want to hire a driver for my car and ask them to drive really slowly, then I’ll sit in the back seat and wave out the window like I’m in a parade. But I want to do this all the time.

-Weird Al is about to release a new album, 25 years after his debut. I can still recite most of the lyrics to “Eat It”. I’m not sure if this makes me feel more old or more white.

-Every week, the Monday Night Football crew goes to all that trouble of putting a microphone on a key player, but all we ever hear is "Wooo, I'm coming all day Baby, I'm coming all day" or "This is our house Baby, this is our house!" or the immortal "WOO! YEAH! WOO! WOO! YEAH!". So why do the Producers even bother anymore?

-My least favorite part about returning home from a long vacation is that very first time a hundred dollar bill seems like a lot of money again. It usually takes a couple days and it most likely happens at the grocery store.

Everyone has their panties in a twist over Kim Jong Il and North Korea with nukes. To quote the patron saint of 1 Happy St, Vincent Antonelli, "where you see a problem, I see potential."

North Korea has the bomb. Now Japan will want the bomb because N.K. only has the rocket power to make it that far. N.K. will bomb Japan. Japan will bomb China. China will bomb South Korea. An American wins the National Spelling Bee.

Lou Piniella, after a brief 1-year hiatus as baseball manager, was given a 3 year, $10 million contract to manage the Chicago Cubs. “I’d love to give you the traditional spiel that we’re gonna turn this thing around and finally give Cubs fans something to cheer about,” said Piniella in his introductory press conference. “But let’s be honest. That ain’t gonna happen. This team sucks. They’ll always suck. And that’ll never change. But hey, I’m not turning down 10 million dollars.”

Upon hearing the news that Steve McNair would be available to play in their next game, Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick said, “Damnit! Why doesn’t this guy just die already?”

Recently hired Cubs manager Lou Piniella was asked his feelings about his former colleague Steve Lyons being fired from Fox for making fun of Piniella’s Hispanic heritage. “I’m not offended at all,” said Piniella. “He was just kidding........Wait, I’m Hispanic? I always thought I was Italian. Interesting. Yeah, that is offensive.”

Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez was asked if he would veto a trade to the Cubs, where he would join his old Mariners coach Lou Piniella. “No I wouldn’t,” said Rodriguez. “But I would veto a trade to the White Sox. Ozzie scares me and I’m a big p____.”

Matt Leinart finished with a decent performance in his Monday night debut for the Cardinals, but was in no mood to critique himself afterwards. “Go talk to our kicker if you want a good quote about performance,” said Leinart. “Then go ask Coach why he called all those pass plays in the 4th quarter. Then ask Edge why he couldn’t hold onto the ball when a running play was finally called. Then find our kicker again and ask him to go kill himself. Then go ask Pete Carroll if I have any eligibility left. Then ask Nick Lachey to have those women ready in my room when I get there.”

I'd been reserving judgement on the new NBC drama/comedy, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I figured I'd give it a couple weeks to settle in and let the series get some of the kinks out. After it's fifth episode last night, I figured I could review it fairly.

The new series on NBC (Mondays at 10/9 central) follows the writers and cast of a SNL-type late night show also called "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip". Five episodes in, writer and producer Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing) has made the relationship of Matthew Perry's character and his star Harriet Hayes (Sarah Paulson) the main plot line. Perry's character, Matt Albie, has been clearly established as the venomous left-wing writer and producer of Studio 60, while Paulson's is his talented Evangelical comedienne ex-girlfriend. Watching the two characters duke it out for 5 weeks about her faith and his lack of respect for it, one wonders how they ever talked about anything else when they were dating. Nonetheless, Sorkin expects us to suspend disbelief and accept that these two were once an item. She was apparently so attracted to Albie's writing talent that she never noticed that half of his jokes were at her expense.

But these are the things you put up with when watching a Sorkin vehicle. He is quite talented at writing snappy dialogue and makes his characters seem smart and witty, but he has failed repeatedly at writing a believable romantic storyline. Sorkin first tried writing a love story in SportsNight, his first network series revolving around the production of an ESPNesque sports news program. Frankly, I don't think I'd find any romance involving Felicity Huffman very believable. He also tried several times to spark non-platonic relationships on his second series, The West Wing, but none of them ever worked. Sorkin is at his best when he simply lets his characters do their jobs. He should leave the contrived love stories to the folks at All My Children.

All this being said, I'm still hanging with the show for the time being. It has its ups and downs. The behind-the-scenes look at late night variety television has been intriguing. Surprisingly, some of the sketches portrayed on the show appear funnier than anything we've seen on SNL in some time (but I suppose that's not really saying much). Some of the supporting cast (DL Hughley, Timothy Busfield and Amanda Peet) has been fun to watch. However, Steven Weber (who, even if he was to discover the cure for cancer, will always just be "the guy from Wings") overacts in each of his scenes like a hyper-active 5 year old at the Christmas pageant. On the flip side is Bradley Whitford, as the most boring cocaine addict you'll ever meet. In fairness, Sorkin hasn't really given him a storyline yet. I suppose it's only a matter of time before Whitford's character begins pining for the chubby PA.

The series still seems to be a little too much in awe of itself that there's a Christian character. I suppose that once Sorkin gets his typical Christian-bashing out of his system and just lets the show be about the show, it could be a pretty decent program. But after last night's episode, we may be waiting a while.

After watching last night's Bears game, I will admit I kind of felt sick to my stomach. I wasn't sharing the same joy that most of Chicago was probably feeling after witnessing whatever that was that we had just witnessed. The reason was because I knew I was going to have to wake up to all the Chicago sports columnists (Jay Mariotti) that were sure to focus on what the Bears didn't do rather than what they did do [quick note: Jay Mariotti did not disappoint]. But is that really fair? Is it so wrong to enjoy a 6-0 football team, regardless of how they came to be 6-0?

Consider this: If the Bears make it to the Super Bowl and play like they played last night, but still win the game, would I really care that they played like crap, or would I just be happy that they won the Super Bowl?

Consider this too: they won on Monday night for the first time since 1997, it was on the road against a decent team, they're still undefeated, and they did all this while Rex Grossman played with a load in his pants. I would imagine it's quite difficult to play football with a load in your pants, particularly when you're the quarterback. So maybe we should be giving credit where credit is due.

I like the word 'trousers'.

That is all.

This last week has given us a handful of potential fantasy team names for the 2007 baseball season. With help from Donald, here are some of my front-running favorites:

- Cory Lidle’s plane

- Sutcliffe’s African Clooney

- Juan Uribe’s Jeep

- Playoff A-Rod

- Magglio’s Barber

- Lou Piniella’s hat

- Steve Lyons’ wallet

Let’s hope this upcoming week is as giving as the last week has been.

In: Football season
Out: Baseball playoffs

In: Sony Walkman
Out: Apple iPod

In: Fitting all your MySpace friends on one page
Out: Accepting friend requests from total strangers to inflate your numbers

Out: Chiropractors
In: Vicodin

Out: Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL)
In: A gay Congressional page

In: Dwight & Angela
Out: Jim & Pam

In: The unpredictable weather of Fall in the midwest
Out: Going to Hawaii for a week and a half

In: Lloyd Carr
Out: Guys who wear sweater vests

In: Binge drinking
Out: Remembering where you left your pants

Out: $5 prostitutes
In: Penicillin

*NSync
Outkast

In: Poppy Montgomery
Out: Evangeline Lilly

Out: Cowboy hat
In: Urban Sombrero

Out: Trying to concentrate on a Friday afternoon
In: Writing a silly blog instead

In: Sterility
Out: Surprises

In: Vertical stripes
Out: Plaid

Out: Whistling
In: Humming

Out: The Robot
In: The Cabbage Patch

Out: Hi-C Juice Box
In: Capri-Sun

Out: Hakuna Matata
In: Dinkin Flicka

-Are you officially a team distraction when you have to call a press conference to deny that you tried to commit suicide?

-The Las Vegas Review Journal spotted Eva Longoria of "Desperate Housewives" riding her beau, San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker, through the MGM Grand casino at 4 a.m. Monday, after leaping onto him from the front with her legs wrapped around his waist. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Actually, I’ve only said this once. But sometimes it's good to be a French millionaire basketball star with a hot girlfriend who likes to have sex and party in Vegas.

-Every year in MLB, a team with a large division lead will slump at the end of the year and be on the verge of losing their lead, and someone in the media will write a story saying "this is on par with the 1964 Phillies", a team that had a big lead but lost it in the end. This years version is the St. Louis Cardinals. But what about those 1964 Phillies? Not only did they have to live through that 42 years ago, but every year, they have to be reminded about it as soon as a team from the current year starts to slump. Doesn’t seem fair to me.

Terrell Owens tried to kill himself. I'm taking it pretty hard. Why, T.O., WHY!?
Why, when you have so much left to live for?
Why, when you have so many fans who love you?
Why, when you have yet to win that illusive Super Bowl ring?
Why, when the Dallas Cowboy fans have yet to see what you're truely capable of?

But most importantly....
WHY, T.O.... when I picked you in the first round in my fantasy league and had you starting this week against a tough opponent and you owed me a productive week following 3 weeks of JACK SQUAT!!

• Complete crossword on old Pop Tart box and recycle box

• Consider switch from Colgate to Crest (possibly Aquafresh?)

• Buy box of Alpha-bits and remove all the O's and mix them in with Cheerio's; wait to see if anyone notices

• Save someone from burning vehicle/building so I can be on local news; mention this website during interview to increase hit count

• Buy more Pop Tarts

• Build ceiling for my cubicle

• Remove gasoline containers from my trunk to avoid arousing suspicion vis-a-vis the above rescue

• Find out what the little squiggle thing (~) on my keyboard is called and what it's for

• Research origin of universe

• Write Best Man speech for Brian's wedding

• Find out when Brian's wedding is

• Get oil changed (don't let neighbor do it again)

• Write "to do list" **IN PROGRESS**

• Ask HR if "overworked" is a good excuse for absence

• Research what was great before sliced bread

• Learn to swim

• Buy raincoat (or umbrella)

• Practice penmanship

• Learn all the words to "Unbreak My Heart"

• Bring digital camera to wedding (remember to remove incriminating photos)

• Buy candy corn

• Finish watching "The Benchwarmers" on DVD

• Join a club

• Contact patent office about my idea for a device that plays music that fits in pocket

• Have that rash looked at

• Buy Calamine

• Start exercising

• Contact Enzyte about possible refund

• So a bunch of guys do illegal steroids, then the guys who rat them out go to jail? What kind of screwed up system is that?

• I want to go to Olive Garden sometime and order the "piskety".

• As stressed out as I was last October, I'm almost glad that the Sox decided to suck their way out of contention this year. Candy corn anyone?

• Did you see the season premier of The Office last night? An instant classic. The scene with the Jello mold was by far the funniest moment in the show ever. Can that really be done? My cubicle neighbor has a bunch of stuff that needs to be Jellofied.

• Is it okay to find Jamie Pressley kind of attractive? That doesn't make me white trash by association does it?

• What's the statute of limitations on how long I have to keep a greeting card? Is 10 seconds long enough?

• Did anyone watch Survivor last night? I missed it. In case you hadn't heard, they've separated the teams by race this year. I'm not sure if their intention is to show that stereotypes are incorrect or that they are correct but just off the top of my head, here's a quick list of events the producers probably don't want to have happen this season:
  
• An asian team member wins the car and subsequently drives it into the ocean.
• The chubby white girl gets romantic with one of the black guys. (Ok so there isn't a chubby white girl this season, and I think we know why)
  
• Someone on the white team says the words, "you people".
  
• The hispanic team escapes the island and swims to Miami.
  

This may have been my favorite Joe Morgan chat of all time. These things are supposed to be an hour long; this one lasted 9 minutes, and he barely answered any of the questions.

Jones (long Beach, Calif.): Hi Joe, back in your day, did players care about winning awards? I know you won two, but you were about winning. My dad says that no one today plays with the same intensity and fire Joe Morgan used to play with.

Joe Morgan: I don't think you can paint everybody with that same brush. If you just look in general, players are more conscious of their statistics today than before. But I don't blame them, because the money is so enormous and they get paid on statistic, whereas before you got paid on contributions to the teams.

I included this one simply because the words “fire Joe Morgan” were part of the question by Jones from Long Beach. I’ve been directed to go to firejoemorgan.blogspot.com. That site has good writing, and is a fun read.

Brandon, Eden Prairie, MN: Joe, after his 5-5 proformance last night in a east coast game, did Morneau boost his MVP chances? Seems like all he needs is a little more exposure and he would be the hands down winner.

Joe Morgan: I don't think he would be a hands down winner, but more exposure would help him. No one gets as much exposure as anyone that plays for the Yankees and the White Sox also get a lot now. I don't even know if I would vote for him because I haven't seen him enough.

YES! He doesn’t know if he would vote for him because he hasn’t seen him enough. Isn’t that the best? Does anybody know if Joe actually gets to vote for this thing? If he does, that comment alone should be enough to strip him of the privilege. I couldn’t believe he actually typed that.

Justin FJM (Denville, NJ): hi Joe - I've read Dusty Baker quoted a couple times about how it's not real helpful to get on base if you're just going to "clog up the bases" -- what do you think he means by this? I would think being on base would always be good.

Joe answered with his standard nonsense, but I wanted to point out a possible mole. Notice the person’s name who asked the question (Justin FJM). Could the “FJM” stand for Fire Joe Morgan perhaps? If Justin is from the “firejoemorgan” website, I think I want to meet those guys.

Sean, Ontario: Hi Joe, DO you think the Indians should move Martinez to 1b?

Joe Morgan: I don't see him enough. I know that they're not always happy with his catching ability. I don't see him enough to decide whether they should move him or whether he needs to work harder on his defense.

No, of course not. Obviously, a guy can’t provide commentary on a team he doesn’t watch. Which begs the question, WHY THE EF DOES JOE PROVIDE COMMENTARY?!?!?!?!

Bears rookie cornerback Danieal Manning had another good game on Sunday, this after getting an interception in Week 1 against Green Bay. Asked how he’s been able to make the transition to the NFL such a smooth one so far, Manning said, “I hate my first name; it gives me motivation.”

Maurice Clarett’s agent is undecided about the former Ohio State running back’s future in the NFL after he agreed to a 3.5 year prison term. “I do know that he’s not retired,” said the agent. “He’ll be in prison for 3 years, which means he can’t kill any real citizens. So that’s good news.”

The Denver Post reports that the Portland Trailblazers might have interest in a potential sign-and-trade for free-agent DerMarr Johnson. Said the Blazers GM, “We don't have enough mediocre, overpaid also-rans that nobody has ever heard of, and DerMarr fits that bill perfectly.”

According to the Denver Post, the Nuggets are making a strong push to fill their shooting guard position with Bonzi Wells. Said the Nuggets GM, “We don't have enough mediocre and overpaid guys on our team that everyone thinks is good even though they aren’t and their teams never win, and we feel that Bonzi fits that bill perfectly.”

Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli was asked what his team can do against Green Bay this Sunday to avoid starting the season 0-3. “Don’t talk to me about that right now,” he said. “I have more important things to worry about, like my teeth. I mean honestly, have you seen these things? They’re hideous.”

American tennis player Andy Roddick has consulted with former great Pete Sampras for advice on how to win the Davis Cup in Moscow. Asked to comment, Sampras said “yeah, he approached me for advice, but I turned him away. He sucks and I don’t want his busted ass ruining my legacy.”

The White Sox appear on the brink of elimination from the playoffs, one year after winning the World Series, and as a lot of expert’s preseason favorites to repeat. Asked if they could be considered underachievers, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said, “F_ck you. You can go f_ck yourself for all I care. People say we win da World Series last year but we sh_t now, well that’s fine. I will take da blame. I no blame my players. They no underachieve; I underachieve. My coaches underachieve. Sh_t. All year I hear the same sh_t. Well f_ck you.”

Some things never change.

-My favorite part of Friday jean day at work is when somebody shows up looking like they scraped the bottom of their dresser for the gayest jeans they could find. It’s like they’ve never worn jeans before. The bonus is when there is a sighting of acid-washed jeans or even white socks with black shoes. Classic.

-Speaking of acid-washed jeans, isn’t it weird to think that all of those mullet-clad teenagers from the 80’s are approaching their 40’s now? The best is when they have a young kid who is now sporting the mullet. Kind of like a passing of the torch. I don’t know what my point is.

-I just read a story about a Middle-Eastern religious group that is mad about something. I’d link you to it, but you probably read a similar story yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. And so on. And so on.

-Sometimes I’ll be flipping through the movie channels and I’ll notice a movie that I’ve never heard of, but it has a cast of like 3 or 4 Hollywood A-Listers in it and I’ll think to myself “why have I never heard of this?” Then after like 5 or 10 minutes of watching it, the reason becomes quite clear.

-I have nothing to do this weekend. Seriously. It’s the first time since March where I have no weekend plans on a Friday afternoon. So I’ll leave you with my weekend football picks: Lions +8.5, Ravens -11.5, Colts -13.5, Browns +10.5, Dolphins -6.5, Vikings +2, Eagles -3, Buccaneers +6, Saints +2, Rams -3, Seahawks -7, Jets +6, Chargers -11.5, Chiefs +10.5, Redskins +6, and Steelers -1.5

NOTE: Last week, I was 9-7

Thank you for calling Lattimore Materials, how may I direct your call?

Yeah hi, this is Brian, I'm with AT&T. Um, can I speak with Donna please?

Oh, hi Lisa. Yes of course, just a second. I'll transfer you.

Dear 40 Year Old Virgin,
I’m a male in my mid 20’s and have been having relationship problems with women. I’m thinking of just going celibate. What do you think?
-Confused

Dear Confused,
I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. There's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kind of want to get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm a gay guy now".


Dear 40 Year Old Virgin,
I was at a bar last weekend and there was this girl there that looked really nice, but I could never get the nerve to approach her. What could I have done?
-Pansy

Dear Pansy,
All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "tackle drunk bitches."


Dear 40 Year Old Virgin,
I married a guy that I met a couple days ago, but haven’t told anyone. I’m especially nervous about what my Mom will think since we’re pretty close, and I’m afraid she’ll be devastated that I went through with this without her knowing. Do you think I should tell her?
-Moron

Dear Moron,
Yeah, you should definitely tell her, because I saw this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was "don't lie." And that was a smart movie.

Ralph (NYC): Joe, with the emergence of Delmon Young and how dominant he's been since his call-up, do you think that he'll be the starting RF'er for the Rays next year? Also, how do they fix their pitching?

Joe Morgan: I haven't seen him play at all, I've seen his highlights. I've had plenty of people tell me that he's a special player. He seems to have what it takes to be a star in the big leagues.

Perfect. He hasn’t seen him play at all. Some things never change. It’s a good thing Derek Jeter doesn’t play for the D-Rays.

Frank Jones (Modesto): Joe, have you had a chance to see much of the Dodgers this year? They really turned the franchise around when they stopped evaluating players based on stats and started finding guys who played hard and knew how to win. Do you think they can win the NL?

Joe’s answer to Frank was pretty boring and meaningless, but I wanted to include this question just to show that the readers are finally getting hip to him. Frank prefaced his question by making sure Joe had seen the Dodgers play. Brilliant.

ian (Miami, FL): How about them Marlins. Can you say Wild Card. What you think Joe???

Joe Morgan: Well, they can because they have strong pitching and they have Cabrera as their stabilizer in the middle of the lineup. Yes, they can. A couple of weeks ago, I predicted the Phillies, with the leadership of Ryan Howard.

Yeah, it’s Ryan Howard’s leadership. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’s hit like 2000 HR’s this year.

Robert (Brentwood): Joe, who do you think has the most intangibles of anyone in baseball?

Seems like a leading question to me since Joe loves intangibles over actual player talent, but I must admit that I admire the spirit that Robert from Brentwood shows here by asking it, almost like he’s hoping for nonsense. A smart idea that I wish I’d thought of.

Joe Morgan: I'm not sure what you mean with intangibles. It's a term that's used to describe a player that don't hit a lot of homeruns or drive in a lot of runs and it doesn't show up in a box score, but still has an impact on the game. With that said, there are a lot of players out there that fit that bill.

In other words, they suck at baseball, but they have a hot wife who shows up on the occasional road trip.

Andrew (WI): Hello Joe. How many bases do you think you could steal against today's pitchers and catchers if you were still in your prime? Thanks.

Joe Morgan: That's a difficult question. I have no idea. All I can say is that I could steal a base any time I needed to. That's a tough question.

That’s unedited. He really said that.

Jeff (Eagle Mountain, UT): Joe, who would you rather have as your catcher for the next 15 years: Joe Mauer, Brian McCann, or Russell Martin?

Joe Morgan: It's like with Liriano and Harden and some of these guys. It's too early to tell who is going to be consistent year in and year out.

It’s a good thing Joe’s not a scout or a GM.
“Hey Joe, you have the first pick in the draft. Who you taking?”
“Can I wait 10 years or so before I pick? I want to see which of these kids will be good first.”

Joe’s Final Thought:
Joe Morgan: I know a lot of people think that certain pitchers should be considered for the MVP award, but I disagree, the Cy Young award is for the best pitcher. No matter how many HRs Ryan Howard hits, he can't win the Cy Young award, so why should a pitcher win the MVP?

Even though I'm pretty indifferent to just about every individual off-season award because there's never a formula to win any of them, you have to appreciate Joe's logic here in comparing the Cy Young Award's criteria to the MVP's. Maybe Joe doesn't realize that Cy Young was a real person who was also arguably the greatest pitcher of all time. Then again, maybe Joe is just mad that the MVP Award isn't named after Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, or Tony Perez.