1 Happy St

Hawk had an orgasm in the booth when The Cuban no-longer-swings-and-missles hit that grand slam last night. It was a pretty cool moment, unless you're a non-White Sox fan. If you're a non-White Sox fan, I'm pretty sure that moment was what you'd imagine the gates of hell to be like. Which just goes to show you, one person's hell is another person's heaven. Turns out that heaven for me is Hawk Harrelson having an orgasm. Odd.

Anyway, the White Sox PR Director (?) Brooks Boyer is asking fans that attend tonight's 1-game playoff against the Twins to dress in all black. Gimmicky? Yes. Kinda cool? We'll see. Do they mean pants too? Who has black pants that aren't dress pants? I sure don't. So you're probably going to see a lot of black shirts and blue jeans. I have no idea what that'll look like. They're handing out 40,000 black towels though, so look for that too.

So all the fans will be dressed in black, which is why I think it's interesting that Nick Blackburn is starting for the Twins. Regardless of the outcome, you can bet that tomorrow's newspaper headlines will reference that in some way.

And it'll be gay.

Let's hope the White Sox don't get Blackburned.

Yeah, something like that.

LGWS!

[ED: Griffey has to beware of the fake pickoff move tonight. And if you know why, consider yourself a friend of mine for life]

Yeah that's my TWENTY year old cousin on the right in both of those. What the [bleep]? How does that happen?

When watching Sarah Palin being interviewed by Katie Couric, weren't you a little bit reminded of this:

"Recent polls have shown that 1/5th of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like in such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us."

[ED: After a quick internet search, it turns out I am the 7 millionth person to point this out since it aired. Figures estimated, but just barely.]

I watched Bush's speech Wednesday night. How could I not? I was all set to watch David Blaine perform a non-trick for 2 hours, but it was being interrupted. So I decided to listen to the message. After all, he was speaking to the American public, and I'm the American public. I figured he'd dumb down the words to make it easy to understand for the lay person, and true to form, he did exactly that. But one of the things he said stuck out to me.

I'm paraphrasing here, but in regards to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, he said their downfall was the result of the perception that they were being backed by the Federal Government which caused questionable investments. You know because hey, if your investment is being backed by the government anyway, who really gives a fuck if it fails? He may or may not have said fuck.

Okay think about that for a second. Let the words stew around in your brain.

Their...downfall...was...the...result...of...the...perception...that...they...were...
backed...by...the...government...which...led...to...questionable...investments.

Uh, hello, they WERE backed by the government!!!! They failed and the government bailed them out! Maybe that wasn't the design, but that's exactly what happened.

Am I the only person who finds that funny? I'd have to be, right?

Okay, have a good weekend.

Via here: In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, the Federal Deposit Insurance Co. seized Washington Mutual's assets Thursday. The FDIC then quickly sold most of their assets and liabilities to JPMorgan.

Rich get richer? How does that happen? How does JPMorgan get first dibs? Were there even dibs or was this worked out beforehand? So many questions, no answers.

Simply put, WaMu was victimized by a classic "run on the bank." Customers withdrew $16.7 billion in a 10-day period following the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers, leaving WaMu "with insufficient liquidity to meet its obligations".

I friggin told you. Eleven days ago, I told you. I made that reference to "It's a Wonderful Life" in this post where I asked that the banks not take Mr. Potter up on his offer and I asked that you not remove your money from your bank. But nobody listened. You withdrew and WaMu was seized, making this whole situation even more EF'd. Damn you. Damn you to hell.

The sobering truth, however, is that repeated declarations about the sanctity of FDIC insurance from Bair, President Bush, Treasury Secretary Paulson, Fed Chairman Bernanke and others failed to quell concerns among WaMu's customers. That suggests more "bank runs" could be in the offing unless the government moves quickly to restore confidence.

Blurg!

From the Banc Investment Daily (whatever the hell that is). The following is an exerpt of the actual speech from Ben Bernanke at his Congressional testimony:

"Senators, we live in a world that has bonds and bad construction loans and those assets need to be bought by men and women with balance sheets. Who's going to do it - you, Chairman Dodd? You, Senator Schumer?

I have a greater responsibility than you can’t possibly fathom. You weep for Bear Sterns and curse the banks just trying to get their collateral; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Lehman's bankruptcy, while tragic, probably saved firms. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves markets.

You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me buying assets - you need me buying assets. We use words like “foreclosure,” “Discount Window” and “TARP.” We use them as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punch line.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a group of media hungry politicians who rise and sleep under the blanket of the very liquidity I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you purchase a defaulted option arm and pay par.

Either way, I don't give a damn what you think the American taxpayer is entitled to."
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Wow, he's quite the radical. This situation may call for a Code Red.

Person 1: "Hey did they give you any plastic knives with that?"
Person 2: "No, just spoons."
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I'd say that's pretty ironic. Don't cha think?

"I'd be much better at my job if I knew what I was doing."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah I can see how that'd be a hindrance. But everyone knows when all else fails, you fake it.

Whenever I blow my nose, I strive to make the clown's horn sound. It never fails to get good laughs.

It really sucks to be at work with a head cold. I took some of that Mucinex stuff which Jill said would suppress my cough. Huge understatement. All day long my face has looked like someone just poured a bucket of water on me. Only it wasn't a bucket of water; it was a bucket of nasty mucus. Have I painted a clear enough picture for you? Is that how you spell mucus? It doesn't look right. Let's call it phlegm. Is that how you spell phlegm? Why isn't it spelled flem? I think I've talked about that once before. It's funny that mucus and phlegm are both hard to spell. We should come up with a new word for the stuff that's in your throat during a head cold. How about bunk? It's easy to spell. It sounds nasty. Man I've been coughing up bunk all morning. I like it.

Jill's the best. She had already gone off to work by the time I woke up, but she had all kinds of meds lined up on the counter waiting for me. The problem though is that I'm a complete moron who can't take care of himself and I don't read instructions. She didn't line them up for me so that I'd take them all. No, she lined them up so that I could pick and choose which one's to take based on my symptoms when I woke up. So when I got into work, she called me and our conversation went like this:
Jill: Oh, you made it, good. How do you feel?
Me: Like I was hit by a bus. But getting better.
Jill: Did you take something?
Me: Yeah, I took the Motrin. And the Mucinex. And the Afrin.
Jill: Wait, ALL of those?.
Me: Uh.....yeah.
Jill: You weren't supposed to take all of that.
Me: Oh.......should I be worried?
Jill: Um........I'm sure you're fine.

How hasn't Darwin found me yet?

I feel bad for her though because by the weekend, I'm gonna feel great and she's gonna feel like how I felt yesterday and today. Sorry Jill.

The Lions finally fired Matt Millen. It was long overdue, but I'm kinda sad. As a Bears fan, he was the guy who kept screwing up the roster of one of the teams I was rooting against. You never want a guy like that to lose his job. Plus he looks like my sister's former father-in-law which was kinda cool. But to Lions fans, he was the moron who couldn't draft. Out of his eight 1st round picks from 2001 until 2007, four of them were Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, and Ernie Sims. Having one of those four on your resume' isn't good. Having all four is a complete frigging disaster. But could it be that he was finally getting better at drafting players? He picked up an OT last year which was nice, and the WR he got the year before that may be one of the best in the league. But he won't be remembered for either of those picks regardless of how they pan out. No, he'll be remembered as the guy who drafted four WR's in six years with his 1st pick. A cynic would say "why would you use your 1st pick on the same position so many times? Isn't that an admission that you kept screwing up?" That's fair, but I prefer to look at it as Winston Churchill would: "he continuously screwed up until he got it right". Yeah I think Winston Churchill said that.

Eh, what do I know? So long Matt.

Follow-up note: this entry was nothing more than an excuse to use the term "El Guapo". My apologies.

Thanks for finding the video for us, Erin!


Scene: a typical American kitchen. A husband (Steve Martin) and wife (Amy Poehler) are puzzling over their finances.

Wife: Oh, I just can’t get these numbers to add up.
Husband: Like we’re never going to get out of this hole.
Wife: Credit card debt, does it ever end?
Salesman: [entering from who-knows-where] Maybe I can help.
Husband: We sure could use it.
Wife: We’ve tried debt consolidation companies.
Husband: We’ve even taken out loans to help make payments.
Salesman: Well, you’re not the only one. Did you know that millions of Americans live with debt they can not control? That’s why I developed this unique new program for managing your debt. [Holds up book] It’s called, "Don’t Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford".
Wife: Let me see that. [Reading from book] If you don’t have any money, you should not buy anything. Hmmm … sounds interesting.
Husband: Sounds confusing.
Wife: I don’t know honey, this makes a lot of sense. There’s a whole section here on how to buy expensive things using money you've "saved".
Husband: Give me that. And where do you get this "saved" money?
Salesman: I tell you where and how in Chapter 3.
Wife: OK, what if I want something but I don’t have any money?
Salesman: You don’t buy it.
Husband: Let’s say, I don’t have enough money to buy something. Should I buy it anyway?
Salesman: No.
Husband: Now I’m really confused.
Salesman: It’s a little confusing at first.
Wife: What if you have the money, can you buy something?
Salesman: Yes.
Wife: Now, take the money away. Same story?
Salesman: Nope. You shouldn’t buy stuff when you don’t have the money.
Husband: I think I’ve got it. I buy something I want, then hope that I can pay for it. Right?
Salesman: No. You make sure you have money, then you buy it.
Husband: Oh, then you buy it! But shouldn’t you buy it before you have the money?
Salesman: No.
Wife: Why not?
Salesman: It’s in the book. It’s only one page long. The advice is priceless and the book is free.
Wife: Wow. I like the sound of that.
Husband: Yeah, we can put it on our credit card.

Announcer: So, get out of debt now. Write for your free copy of "Don't Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford" And, if you order now, you’ll also receive, "Seriously, If You Don’t Have the Money, Don't Buy It" along with a twelve month subscription to "Stop Buying Stuff" Magazine. Order today.

Via here:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Charging an extra $3 to pour cheese topping into a bag of Fritos recently led to a scuffle at a Tinley Park gas station.

At about 6:16 a.m. Friday, Darryl Lust Jr., 25, was waiting in line at a Speedway to buy a can of ice tea and bag of Fritos oozing with cheese. When the manager told him he'd have to pay a few more bucks for the topping, Lust wouldn't say whether he was willing to foot the extra cash, according to a police report. The manager then threw Lust's creation in the garbage.
That's when Lust knocked over the can of ice tea toward the manager, who came around the counter toward Lust to calm him down, police said.

The manager told police Lust pushed him to the ground and got on top of him. Another man at Speedway subdued Lust by using the wrestling move called a half Nelson until police arrived. Lust told police he never had to pay extra money for cheese at other gas stations and thought the manager was singling him out.

Police charged him with battery and disorderly conduct. He's due in a Joliet courtroom Oct. 8.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Half nelson's, Frito's oozing with cheese, disorderly conduct charges......

Wait, FRITO'S OOZING WITH CHEESE?!?!?!?

Darryl Lust Jr. shouldn't be getting arrested. He should be getting an award for creating a snack food that sounds like a small slice of heaven. I have to admit, it takes some balls to grab a bag of Frito's from the shelf, open up that son-bitch right there in the store, then take some melted cheese and pour it in the bag. But the man should be celebrated for it, not arrested.

Does anybody else find it funny that the man who's asking us to trust him with $700 billion is the same man who asked us to trust him that bailing out Fannie and Freddie would stabilize the economy?

Paulson: "I need $700 billion. Trust me, I can fix this."
Senate: "You said that last time."
Paulson: "I've grown since then."
Senate: "It was a month ago."

I love the idea of more government oversight, but I hate the idea of putting "more" and "government" in the same sentence. Is there any way they don't screw this up?
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Let's talk about something else, shall we? It's Jill's and my anniversary this weekend. We're thinking about going to Lake Geneva or Galena, but are open to any other suggestions.

I think Old Guy is on to me. He hasn't called me Mike in a while and I think I know why. Neighbor Zach from 2 doors down has spent a lot of time with Old Guy the last couple weeks doing work around his house and I think he may have called me Brian a few times. I'll keep you posted if my cat is out of the bag.

What does that mean, cat out of the bag? What cat and what bag? And what sick-o is putting cats in bags to begin with? Wouldn't the phrase make more sense and be more humane if it was "let the cat out of the carry-all"?

Go White Sox!

Do you have a job?
No.
You got money?
No.
Do you have any prospects?
No.
You got anything on the horizon?
Um, no.
Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
I like to get the Daily News.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Costanza had it right. I'm going back to bed. Oh no wait, I can't. I have to get back to work and help with this bailout.

Eh, such is life.

Right now as I type this, David Blaine is suspending himself upside down above Central Park. He's going to continue suspending himself upside down above Central Park for 60 straight hours. He started this morning and his plan is to end some time Wednesday night. With this "trick", he will prove once and for all that.......I have no idea.

Didn't you use to like him when he did card tricks?

Here is a letter sent to the NY Times found here:
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Dear Mr. Bernanke and Mr. Paulson:
My student loans are too big and it is hurting the economy. Can I have a bailout, please? I need $92,000.

Thanks,

Nathan Kottke
St. Paul, Sept.17, 2008
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Obviously Nathan was going for humor there. But wouldn't it be great if Bernanke read that in the Times and then responded to him with something like "Hi Nathan, thanks for the inquiry. Your tax records show you're middle class, so I'm sorry, we cannot help you at this time. But stay strong and good luck on the foreclosure, Love Ben."

That'd be awesome. Sometimes humor goes a long way.

I mentioned on Friday that I'd be showing myself at Wrigley Field on Saturday to watch the Cubs clinch the division. I also mentioned that rather than blaspheming all day, in my head I'd be daydreaming that I was winning at poker in Vegas. Everything went according to plan; I caught a nice run of cards right in the beginning and was working off a tall stack the entire day. I got cold cards in the middle there, but after 3 hours or so, I was up big and was able to walk away happy.

I'm not sure what this picture is all about. Jill was in charge of the camera all day, so I'm guessing she just wanted to show that we were on Clark. The 1100 block to be exact. Why put it on this blog if it doesn't mean anything? I'm mysterious like that.

Ah, we're on Addison too. The corner of Clark and Addison. NOW it tells the whole story.

After the Cubs won, we celebrated with ZZ Top. It was a lot of fun. We reminisced about the good old days when Legs was topping the charts and Rick Sutcliffe was known for more than fawning over Erin Andrews. As Weird Al once said, "those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by but the memory stays. Those were the good old days."

He actually really did say that. I'm quoting busted Weird Al songs now. Which means I have to end this thing. But before I go, I will leave you with one more thought to ponder. The White Sox lowered their magic number to 5 over the weekend. The last time the White Sox and Cubs both made the playoffs in the same year was 1906, when an underdog Sox team dominated the Cubs in the World Series.

Just sayin'......

Before you leave for the weekend, I'd like for you to read something. Now it'll only be funny if you're a Lions fan. Wait, no. It'll only be funny if you're a football fan. If you're a Lions fan, it'll be tragic. Enjoy.

Try to pick a favorite part. Could it be where Millen says "what we're doing is the right thing to do"? Yeah that's good. But for my money, the best part is where Millen says that he believes in coach Rod Marinelli because "he's consistent". Excellent.

Matt Millen is the gift that keeps on giving. Unless you're a Lions fan. Then he's 8 straight years of getting kicked in the nuts.

Him: "See that's why I like you 'cause you always agree with me."
Me: "No I don't."
Him: "Yes you do."
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I don't think he got it.

I have tickets to the Cubs game tomorrow. And I'm going. And they have a chance to clinch. If they do, watch for me on the field afterwards celebrating. I'm trying to outdo Jimmy Fallon in 2004 as the most ridiculous on-field celebration in baseball history.

I figure I have two options: I could be "that guy" and wear my White Sox gear. Or I could embrace and participate in the drunken buffoonery with my fellow Chicagoans while pretending that I'm somewhere else. I'm choosing the 2nd option. So tomorrow, in my head I'll be sitting at a poker table in Vegas or something while cocktail waitresses bring me a continuous supply of Jack Daniels/Coke concoctions. You can't beat that really. So whenever a Cubs player gets a HR and the crowd roars, in my head I will have just beaten my opponent's ace/king suited. And every time a Cubs pitcher gets a strikeout, in my head I will have just layed down a monster while avoiding my opponent's made hand. And when Vince Vaughn is singing the 7th inning stretch, in my head I'll be.....well I guess I'll be singing along with him because that's friggin cool. I mean it's Vince Vaughn. But then when the Cubs finally clinch and I'm on the infield celebrating with Mark DeRosa, in my head I'll be cashing in a stack of chips or outside lounging by the pool.

Oh it's gonna be sweet.

William Yuan, a seventh-grader from Portland, OR, developed a 3-dimensional solar cell that absorbs UV as well as visible light. The combination of the two might greatly improve cell efficiency. William's project earned him a $25,000 scholarship and a trip to the Library of Congress to accept the award, which is usually given out for research at the graduate level.

William, your thoughts?

Well, "current solar cells are flat and can only absorb visible light. [What I did was] I came up with an innovative solar cell that absorbs both visible and UV light. My project focused on finding the optimum solar cell to further increase the light absorption and efficiency and design a nanotube for light-electricity conversion efficiency."

Ah, interesting. Actually, I still don't even understand what it is you developed. So I can go outside without a shirt on now?

"You're an idiot."

Fair enough.

Doesn't that girl up there look like Claire from Lost? Oh you don't watch Lost? What's wrong with you; it's the best show on TV. Well trust me when I say she looks like Claire from Lost.

Okay now click here. No just trust me. I'm not being bossy, it's gonna be worth it. But when you get there, make sure to read the caption. Oh, and good luck with your puke.

On my way into work, I was 2nd in line waiting at a red light. The light turned green, but there were still a few cars in the intersection, so we couldn't move yet. The impatient son-bitch behind us starting laying on his horn to get us to go, but there was nothing we could do. It was one of those long drawn out "beeeeeeeeeeeeeps" too, but there was nowhere we could go though so it was pretty pointless. After about 5 or 10 seconds, the intersection cleared and we started driving. As I was driving, I pulled around the guy who had been in front of me at the red light. I looked over at him and he was giving me the finger and mouthing some of the words that Ozzie Guillen uses when he talks to the media. Wait, WHAT?!? That wasn't me. I wasn't the beeper. It was the guy behind me.

There was no telling that to this guy though. His window was rolled up. So I got someone else's middle finger and curse words.

Bad start to Thursday.

Sometimes Fox News outdoes itself. Solid journalism right here. Oh wait, it's from the UK Sun. Well whatever, just a terrific get from whomever is responsible. That is not sarcasm; I mean it in all sincerity.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eva Mendes has confessed to having sex in every state in America, the U.K.'s Sun reports ... but not with 50 different men.

"I've had sex in all 50 states. A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger," the actress, who is currently appearing in "The Women," reportedly said.

Of all 50 states, Mendes' fondest memories are of Arizona and Colorado.

"Maybe it was the clear air, or the quiet, or the endless sky. Whatever it was, it was really, really good," she reportedly said.

"But as for Alaska — I’d really like a do-over on that state", she added, according to the Sun.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let's say you know you're the guy from Arizona or Colorado; how great is your day today after reading something like that. I'd say it's the complete opposite feeling as the guy from Alaska. Then again he did have sex with Eva Mendes.

Over the last decade, porn sites would get more hits than any other kind of site on the Internet. Today though, we still click on porn sites quite a bit, but it's no longer the most-viewed. Nope, it seems that social networking sites like Myspace and Facebook have overtaken porn as the most viewed web sites on the Internet.

2000 version of us: "I'd really like to look at a boob. Hey, there's one; on my computer. I love my computer. It lets me look at a boob whenever I want. God Bless the Internet."

2008 version of us: "I'm kinda sick of looking at that boob. I wish I knew what happened to that kid who moved away when I was in 3rd grade. Hey, there he is; he's a lawyer in D.C. and has 2 kids. Wow, he still looks the same. God Bless the Internet."
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Good to see we're evolving.

If you have $100,000 or less stored away in a bank account, the FDIC will insure every penny of it. I think this was a program that was put in place back in the 1940's to give the American public the perception that if they put their money in a bank, some yahoo who works at that bank wouldn't lose it all with a poor investment like dying cattle or something. It was a good program then, and is a good program now.

Ah but guess what? That FDIC fund has roughly $50 billion to insure about $1 trillion in assets.

Just to be clear, $1 trillion > $50 billion.

Uh oh.
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They'll never close us up today......5-4-3-2-1 BINGO!

Here is a couple pictures of the football field where Brian and I went to high school. Apparently there was a flood. Too bad September only has 30 days... (sorry, that's an incredibly inside joke)

"That's not what she said."
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Yeah, it sounded weird.

Ok. I'm officially a horrible person. This story cracked me up.

Soon after the lights went down, a source tells us, "a man in the audience started yelling, 'Don't touch me!' People looked around and shrugged. Ten minutes later, the voice yells again, 'I said don't touch me!'"

Again, people shrugged off the disturbance. But a few minutes later, says our source, "the guy stands up in the darkness and thwacks the guy behind him with a big festival binder. He hit him so hard everybody could hear it. Everyone freaked out and turned around."

Poor defenseless Roger Ebert got bitch slapped for tapping another film critic at a recent movie screening.

Apparently Ebert, who has suffered bouts of cancer that have rendered him unable to speak, was tapping the guy in front of him to move his humungus melon so Ebert could see the screen. The guy turns around and clocks Ebert with a Trapper Keeper. Dude hasn't apologized either.

Several questions...
Ebert isn't deaf. He heard the guy say "Don't touch me!" So why did he keep touching him?
Secondly, wasn't anyone else there with Ebert that could have told Big Head to move?
And why couldn't Ebert just slip the guy a note or something.. "Please move your head, I can't see the screen. Love, Roger."

"I SAID STOP WRITING ME NOTES!!!!!"