1 Happy St

So I bought a Snuggie. The light it comes with is awesome; totally worth the 19 bucks.

Eh, let's try another one.

So I bought a Snuggie. It's awesome. I wear it backwards. You know, like a robe.

Hmm, I still think it's a no. Let's try one more.

So I bought a Snuggie. It's awesome. Except my hands get wicked cold. I wish it came with built-in mittens. Or no holes in it.

Yeah, that's the keeper.

It’s too bad for my resume' that companies don’t put a whole lot of stock in such skills as "makes good use of that’s what she said" or "keeps his desktop icons meticulously organized" or "always finds the cleanest bathroom stall" or "the uncanny ability to pick just the right amount of time to heat his food in the microwave". Otherwise I’d be in high demand.

Now that Candace Parker is pregnant with Shelden Williams' child, isn’t it about time that Hollywood makes a movie based on their life starring Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan? They could call it "Love & Basketball" or something.

A congressional panel overseeing the $700 billion bailout program says "it has no idea" what banks are doing with the money lawmakers approved last fall to stave off a looming financial crisis. Hmm, it’s a good thing they’re not a congressional panel in charge of oversight.

People who have never worn contact lenses don’t understand what it means to have a bad contact lense day. So allow me to explain it. Imagine someone stabbed you in the eye with a fork. Okay now imagine you have to keep the fork in your eye all day. Yeah it’s like that.

The Illinois House of Representatives voted 114-1 to impeach Hairdon’t. Good news. I look forward to the day when nothing becomes of it. Hey, aren’t there 118 representatives in Illinois? Yes there are. So who were the 3 who didn’t vote? Maybe they were busy voting on that other huge story out of Illinois.

My favorite part of Valentine’s Day: chewy red hearts. My least favorite part of Valentine’s Day: everything else.

What is the likelihood that the part of your windshield wiper that does the worst job during a snowstorm is the part that’s right in your line of sight? Is it 100%?

On that note, remember that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless the apple is tainted with poison.

Via this via TBL:

A 43-year old Delray Beach man who told police he keeps his urine in a plastic container so he doesn't have to seek out bathrooms was arrested and charged with simple battery Tuesday after dumping the contents of said container over his girlfriend. According to police, Paul Thomas Hamill "saturated" his girlfriend with the urine during the course of an argument in the parking lot of a Stuart service station. She responded by dousing him with red wine and calling the cops.

Been there. Not judging.

From Roland S. Martin:

It is total hypocrisy for the naysayers of embattled Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich to assert that he didn't have the legal right to appoint Roland Burris to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.

Hypocrisy? Really? Hmm, you've got my attention. Tell me why.

It seems a lot of folks are excited and happy that Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White took a stand by refusing to sign the paperwork certifying Burris as the Senate appointee. Yet what these same folks somehow refuse to recognize is that Blagojevich isn't some guy sitting around in his office, twiddling his fingers, flipping through the cable channels with a remote and waiting to get impeached. He is still carrying out his duties as governor.

Yeah I know. A crying shame, right? This a-hole is still making decisions. Go on though.

Did you know that since his arrest in December, Blagojevich has pardoned 22 people? I haven't heard a huge outcry over this tainted governor setting folks free.

22 people? Are you serious? You're right, there should be outcry. Perhaps this is something that should be reported a bit more by the media. Hey, you're the media, right Roland? I'm so glad you're touching on this.

Did you know that Blagojevich continues to sign bills that were passed by the General Assembly?

For reals? This is getting out of hand.

Did you know that two days ago, Blagojevich, as determined by state law, set March 3 as the primary and April 7 as the general election to fill the congressional seat of Rahm Emanuel, who resigned after agreeing to become Obama's chief of staff?

No I didn't. But thanks for telling me. It's a [bleeping] joke that this man is still in office. I should ask though, is there a point to all of this?

I was one of the many voices who said that in light of what he was arrested for, Blagojevich should resign his seat because his presence paralyzes state government. And I still believe that. But we are way beyond that now. He chose not to do so, which is his right.

Ugh. So much for arguing the correct point.

Guy 1: "Hey did you hear that they adjusted the atomic clock by one second during New Years?"

Guy 2: "No I didn't hear that. Did I lose a second or did I gain a second?"

Guy 1: "You lost a second."

Guy 2: "Son of a bitch. I can't catch a break."

Headline seen: Romijn and husband welcome twin girls

Poor Jerry O'Connell. He's listed as "husband" in a headline about him and his wife. We're talking about Vern here. No, we're talking about Cush. I've got Cush-lash. Cush-lash, Cush-lash, Cush-lash Cush-lash Cush-lash. No wait, even better. Am I to believe that Trip McNeely doesn't get top billing in a headline?

For shame.

2005 called. It wants its story back.

Via here:

More than half of teenagers mention risky behaviors such as sex and drugs on their MySpace accounts, U.S. researchers said on Monday. [Researchers] said many young people who use social networking sites such as News Corp's MySpace do not realize how public they are and may be opening themselves to risks, but the sites may also offer a new way to identify and help troubled teens. "We found the majority of teenagers who have a MySpace account are displaying risky behaviors in a public way that is accessible to a general audience," said Dr. Dimitri Christakis of Seattle Children's Research Institute, whose studies appear in the journal Archives of Pediatric & Adolescent Medicine. In one of two studies, Christakis and Dr. Megan Moreno of the University of Wisconsin analyzed 500 randomly chosen MySpace profiles of 18-year-olds in 2007. Overall, 54 percent of the publicly available accounts they checked contained information about high-risk behaviors: 41 percent mentioned substance abuse, 24 percent sexual behavior and 14 percent violence.

Sex, drugs, and violence on MySpace? Now I've heard it all. I think it's time for me to say it one more time. Guys, CANCER STILL EXISTS! CURE SOMETHING PLEASE! THANK YOU!

ED: Dr. Christakis was the name of my childhood pediatrician. Could it be?

I got an email from Facebook that said "Greg has tagged a photo of you" in an album called "Memories"

The next email I got was from my sister via Facebook. It was a comment that said "Greg, why?"

The next email I got was from one of Greg's friends via Facebook. It was a comment that said "Greg, your brother is going to kill you for tagging him on that."

I'm at work, so I can't view it until later.

Today is going to suck.

What the [bleep] did he do to me?

While I was out driving during lunch, I ended up behind a car that had a bumper sticker that said "DON'T BLAME ME: I VOTED FOR DUKAKIS". I'm surprised I didn't get into an accident afterwards because I spent the rest of my trip trying to figure out how the hell that bumper sticker came to be at that exact moment.

First of all, it wasn't on an old car. I could see if the car was from the 1980's or something, then I could chalk up the sticker's reason for existing that it just wouldn't come off the bumper. But this car was a newer Toyota, no older than 5 years or so. Was it put on there ironically? Or was it to be funny (like that time I put a bumper sticker on my car that was a Spanish translation of "please buckle up")? Or was its owner really using a bumper sticker to express 20 years worth of frustration?

Second of all, where the bleep did they get it? Where does one find a Michael Dukakis bumper sticker? I bet Michael Dukakis doesn't even have a Michael Dukakis bumper sticker.

All these questions, no answers. Frustrating lunch.

If you're wondering how my friends and I celebrated New Years Eve, look no further. I videotaped our entire evening. I bet your celebration didn't "top that".

Peter Gammons is getting old. His column used to be one that I'd read every time it was updated. Now it includes passages like this:

For all the talk of a salary cap, only twice in the past 30 years has a team won the World Series with a $100M-plus payroll -- the 2004 and 2007 Red Sox. In those 30 years, 20 different teams have won World Series, and it likely would be 21 without the 1994 strike that cost the sport's best team that year -- the Montreal Expos -- a chance to win it all.

Oooo, let's break that down. Only twice in the past 30 years has a team won the World Series with a $100M-plus payroll. Okay yes that's true. But it wasn't until 2001 that a team even had a $100M-plus payroll. Prior to 2001, the record was $92 million, and that team was the 2000 Yankees, WHO WON THE FRIGGIN' WORLD SERIES. Oh and prior to that, the record was $88 million, again by the Yankees, who again WON THE FRIGGIN' WORLD SERIES. See where I'm going here? Peter would have been just as well off saying something like "for all the talk of a salary cap, only twice in baseball history has a team won the World Series with a $100M-plus payroll". It would have been just as accurate, and just as misleading.

2nd part - he said that in those 30 years, 20 different teams have won the World Series, and it likely [key word] would be 21 without the 1994 strike that cost the sport's best team that year -- the Montreal Expos -- a chance to win it all. Oh man. He couldn't leave well enough alone. Ya' know, 20 out of 30 is actually a good enough argument for the anti-salary cap crowd. On its own, it makes a strong case that any team can win it all regardless of payroll. But where he loses me is when he tries to add that 21st team. It's true that the Expos had the best record when the season ended on August 11th, but it's quite the leap to say that they would have likely won the World Series based on that. Let's see, how many teams that had the best overall record on August 11th would go on to win the World Series that year? 2008 Phillies? No. 2007 Red Sox? Maybe. 2006 Cardinals? Hell no. I'm not going back any further, but again, you see my point. Having the best record on August 11th doesn't mean shit.

It pains me to say it, but I think it's time for Peter to hang it up. There's no way Pre-Stroke-Peter would have left a passage like that in his column.

I watched an extended version of "That Thing You Do" a couple nights ago on Starz. It included most (or all) of the deleted scenes and it made the movie like 40 minutes longer. At first I didn't know what the hell was happening. I had seen the movie like 418 times (give or take 395), but this time I kept seeing things that I didn't remember. The 3rd or 4th time this happened, I started to realize what was going on (I'm a quick one). The deleted scenes changed quite a bit of what I had previously known:

- The band members at first didn't trust their manager who worked in the van.
- Faye made them all baloney sandwiches. Guy said he hates baloney (just odd).
- Fans got rowdy at the pizza place by the airport (Villapiano's?)
- Boss Vic Koss was a bigger a-hole than we even knew.
- There was a lot more focus on Tina and her dentist (deleted with good reason).
- Guy said "I am Spartacus" 6 or 18 more times.
- Mr. White's character was gay for his assistant (played by Howie Long. Awesome).
- TB Player had sex with one of the Chantrellines.
- Guy's reasoning for staying in L.A. was because he got a job with Clint Howard at the radio station as an interviewer of jazz musicians.

The extended version didn't flow at all. It was like watching an early episode of Seinfeld. It wasn't bad; it just wasn't right. I'd like to know what made Tom Hanks change his mind about Mr. White though.

I found an old blog post from 2006 that I never published for some reason. Actually there was good reason. I remember coming up with an idea for an entire post of puns related to the workplace. It probably started with me thinking of one and then trying to think of more until it became worthy to put up here. As you'll see below, it never became worthy. Oh man it's bad.

I used to work for Firestone, but I ended up quitting because the job itself was just too tiring. So then I took a job with Midas and I figured it would be a little better, but it wasn't. Honestly, I'd get home and I'd be so exhausted. At the time, I thought that maybe auto repair just wasn't the industry for me. So I took a couple weeks off and really thought about what it was that I wanted to do with my life. In the interim though, I needed to make some money so I took a job at a shop that fixes watches. It wasn't a good time or anything, but it paid the bills. I also worked part-time at a barista, but it wasn't really my cup of tea. I was familiar with plumbing, but finding work when you're not in the union turned out to be draining. I interviewed to be a driver for Pepsi, but they gave me this written pop quiz and I failed it miserably. During my job search, I would get out all of my frustrations at the gym. Eventually, one of the guys who worked there offered me a job as a trainer. I turned him down though because I didn't think I'd have the skills to make that work out. Finding a job was becoming increasingly frustrating until a friend of mine suggested that I should get a job with the city, like a police officer or a fire fighter or something. So I took his advice and I became a fireman. It's been a blast. The experience so far has been alarming, but I just hope I don't get fired.

Wow.

I had a dream last night that I was conducting a Google search of Roger Ebert movie reviews. The odd thing though was that my searches were coming back with all of the information I was looking for. I think I may know way too much about Roger Ebert.

Don’t people realize that they can delete the "is" when changing their Facebook status? Brian is you’re an idiot.

Jill likes to set all of her clocks ahead by 4 or 5 minutes. She says it helps her to be on time for things. I’ve tried to convince her of the irony in that, but she’s sticking with it.

Congratulations Gina and Joe on your New Years Eve wedding. I had you both figured wrong. And if you don’t know why I’m bringing this up, click the label below and start from the beginning. Or don’t.

If you are part of a household that goes through milk pretty quickly, it should be your civic duty to buy the gallon with the closest expiration date to the current date while saving the newer gallons for us folks who take longer.

Requiring us to mix 2-cycle oil instead of using straight gasoline to operate a friggin’ snow blower is a scam that even Charlie Ponzi would be proud of.

I like going to the gym at the beginning of January to watch all the newbies trying equipment for the first time. Mr. Regan, you wanna get out of that painters scaffolding?

If I was ever a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, I just know there’d be a puzzle with a well-known phrase that everyone in the world has heard of except me, causing me to buy another vowel as the audience groaned. That kind of public embarrassment isn’t worth the potential for a few thousand dollars. Uh, I’d like to solve the puzzle: that’s the way the bookie stumbles.

And on that note, remember that opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and if they didn’t, it’d be tough to talk shit. Yeah you can use it.

My governor is a piece of work. I just can't get over how oblivious he is that he thought assigning a senator on Tuesday was the right play. He's going about his business like nothing ever happened. Worst of all, he appointed an old black guy, so he made it tough to even get mad at him.

Hmm, it was a complete jackass move. But he appointed a black dude. If I say that's ridiculous, does that make me racist?

Yes. Yes it does.

If the 2008 election taught us anything as a nation, it's that voting for a white guy under any circumstances is racist. So by appointing a black guy, Rod Blagojevich has made it difficult to speak out about it. He even has some people praising the move.

Fuckin' diabolical.

I'm moving to Michigan.

The Lions finished 0-16. They're the first NFL team in history to lose 16 games in a season. Awesome. I'm not sure how you feel about that; I'm pretty indifferent. My hatred for the Vikings and Packers overshadows my feelings towards the Lions. I guess if the Bears don't win the NFC North, I'd wish for Detroit to win it. I like those guys up there.

There is one thing for Lions fans to get excited about. Quotes from their former #1 WR Roy Williams:

[Roy] Williams caught only 19 passes for 198 yards and a touchdown over 10 games after being acquired from Detroit for three draft picks, including Dallas' first-rounder (20th overall). He and [Tony] Romo never got in sync, including an interception on a ball thrown his way Sunday.

"I would love to take the blame for that one, but I can't," Williams said. "Once we get a training camp under our system, we'll be good."

I'm not sure what part of that quote I love the most. Oh wait yes I do. The part where he says he'd love to take the blame for an interception, but he can't. That's too great. Stay positive Lions fans. Hopefully your team doesn't waste their two 1st round picks on skill positions. Look on the bright side; your team finished 0-16, but all they really did was miss the playoffs, which is the same thing my team did. Of course that thought is lost on Bears CB Charles Tillman:

"Yeah, I think we're a playoff team," cornerback Charles Tillman said [after his team lost], still giving off smoke from the torching Houston's Andre Johnson gave him. "We made it this far, and we're this close. Who wouldn't think we were a playoff team? … Aren't we a playoff team?"

Apparently Charles Tillman is unaware of that silly note in the NFL rulebook that states "you can only be considered a playoff team if you actually, you know, make the playoffs. This seems obvious and almost pointless to put in an official rulebook, but hey, you never know."

Oh it's in there. You can check. It comes right after the part about overtime ties. Zing!

The playoffs better get here quick.

We all know that the average prices of homes in the U.S. are dropping. A year ago, single-family homes were selling 18% higher than they are today. This is not news. But it is tough to know what that really means. What is 18% of your home's value from a year ago if you didn't know what your home was worth last December? Also, weren't home prices dropping in 2007 already? When was my house at its peak value? Well, if you're an average American with an average single-family home, your peak value was probably early 2005. The problem with that peak value though was that it was inflated. Actually it was probably just a lie.

Value is real when it's created based on what other people are willing to pay. If you have a house that appraises at $250,000, but people are only willing to pay $200,000, I'm sorry but your house is only worth $200,000. Mortgagers didn't care about this though. They were handing out loans based on the appraisal, and the appraisers were inflating the worth because it was needed for approval. It was a circular process, but everybody was winning. Mortgagers got their money, people got their loans, and everyone increased their "worth". Yay!

Until the purge happened. We're Americans; we can't have a good thing. If something comes along that's good, we exploit it until we kill it. It's like with that show "Who wants to be a millionaire" (the Regis version, not the one with Meredith). Remember when that show came on like 10 years ago? Everybody was watching it. It got record ratings in primetime and it saved ABC. So what did they do with it? They put it on 5 days a week until people got sick of it. They force-fed us with Everything Regis until we wanted to kill him. Then the show started to come back to earth and now it's only on in the morning. It was too much of a good thing.

That was the housing market, and so now the purge is happening. But you know what? Purge is a good thing. It allows for fresh starts. Like the ice age. Can you imagine if a meteor had never hit the earth and dinosaurs were still around? Besides Carl Everett having one less thing to talk crazy about, instead of dogs, we'd have snorkasaurus's and instead of automatic brakes, we'd use our feet. Oh and without the ratings purge, Regis would still be dominating your television from morning to night. Nobody needs that.

So here's to the purge.

Jill: "Oh my god you have to turn around and see this creepy guy sitting at the bar."

Brian: "The guy with the ponytail?"

Jill: "No, the guy next to him."

And she was right. The guy next to him was creepier. I think it's safe to say that if you're creepier than a guy with a ponytail, it's time to start rethinking some things.

ED: this isn't the first "creepy guys" tag. I can't wait to publish this to see what it was.

It's impossible to skip something when you're told to skip it. That's why you're gonna continue reading. I'll give you a strong effort, but I can guarantee that you'll regret going any further.

Okay, it's your life.

So I'm listening to the Bulls/Heat game on the radio right now. Dwyane Wade just picked up his 2nd foul midway through the 1st quarter, so he was taken out of the game. I never understood the logic with this kind of thinking. I can understand taking him out if you think he's just not in sync or something, but that's not why his coach did it. Wade was taken out so that he doesn't pick up a 3rd foul. Think about that. He's being taken out of the game in the 1st quarter so that he doesn't [POSSIBLY] foul out in the 4th. Doesn't the 1st quarter count just as much as the 4th? Wouldn't it make more sense to keep your best player in the game as long as possible and gamble that he won't pick up another foul? At least then you're not purposely taking away his minutes.

Eh.

Some time earlier in the week while I was either finishing up my Christmas shopping or shoveling my driveway for the 80th time or watching a rerun episode of Roseanne or throwing rocks at passing cars from an overpass, the Yankees signed Mark Teixeira to play 1st base for the next 8 years. I know what you're thinking: Roseanne? Yeah, about a month ago, MeTV was showing an old Thanksgiving episode. It was one of them with Nanna Mary (or is it Nanna Marie?) and it's a classic and I always enjoyed it, so I set my DVR to tape it. Somehow though I ended up setting my DVR to tape every episode any time it airs on any station ever and I just haven't gotten around to fixing it yet. So any given day, I'll check my DVR for things that have taped and I'll have a backlog of 4 or 5 Roseanne episodes on there. Whatever. Don't judge me.

Anyway, so the Yankees signed Mark Teixeira for 8 years and eleven billionty dollars (or is it billiondy?). He's a good hitter and a good fielder and he makes the Yankees better and this is just another example of the rich getting richer and blah blah blah gayness. I was intrigued by the signing though because it meant that the Yankees had somehow managed to sign 3 of the top free agents so far this winter who are worth a shit when being graded for their overall baseball skilz. Yeah that's how I spell skilz. How do you spell it? With an S? Two L's? Ha! Child's play. So afterwards, I was so intrigued that I took an unscientific poll of non-Yankee fans to get their reactions to the amount of money that was spent. On average, my poll found two different responses.

1. This is insane. MLB needs a salary cap.
2. This is insane. Every member of the Yankees front-office should kill themselves.

Granted, my unscientific poll consisted of me and my brother-in-law. But the results I think would have been the same with a greater number of participants. I don't have a whole lot of knowledge when it comes to basic economic principles, so I can't really address whether or not MLB needs a salary cap. But I think I have enough knowledge when it comes to basic asshole principles to address whether or not the Yankees' entire front-office should kill themselves. If you're an asshole, the whole world would be better off if you killed yourself; that's a given. So the questions become 'what factors make someone an asshole and do these factors apply to the Yankees front-office''? I think being an asshole comes down to 5 things:

Do people hate you?
Do you not care that people hate you?
Do you do things specifically to make people hate you?
Do you live in New York?
Do people call you "asshole"?

If the answer is yes to at least 1 of those questions, then yes, you are an asshole. So how does the front-office of the New York Yankees stand up? They're a whopping 5 for 5.

Hank Steinbrenner, we'll start with you.

As you head out to the mall or Target or Macy's or any of the other places I wouldn't want to be within 100 yards of today, remember that the person working behind that service desk isn't making shit to be there. It's probably under $10 per hour and they have to be there all day when they could be out spending time with their family (or doing what you're doing). Also, the person that they waited on right before you was some crazy Mom who was yelling at them because their store has a no-return policy on opened video games. It's not their policy. In fact, if it was up to them, they'd be taking back everything. What do they care? But they're just doing their job. And it's a suck job, especially today.

So be nice.

I probably won't be posting much here if at all for the rest of the week. I'm on vacation and won't be near a computer all that much. Plus when I'm not at work, things just don't happen to me that are worth posting. So lack of material will be another reason. One thing did happen to me over the weekend though. I broke my pinky toe. I was running full speed through my house for no good reason whatsoever and slammed my bare foot into a dresser. It was awesome. My pinky toe got the brunt of the impact. Actually it got all of the impact. I went down like a guy who had just stubbed his pinky toe on a dresser. I didn't even catch myself as I went down so I ended up skinning my knee on the carpet. I haven't had a skinned knee since I was 12. Yeah, so Merry Christmas. We're starting this shit off right. I included a picture over there on the right for your enjoyment. Ain't it great? Poor little guy.

Anyway, since I have nothing left to add, my tradition: Merry "neither this statement, nor any other statement by Brian should be construed as an attempt to offer or render a legal opinion. His well-wishes are privided on an "as is" basis, and Brian disclaims any and all warranties, expressed or implied, including without limitation warranties for a particular purpose. In no event shall Brian be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, punitive, or consequential damages of any kind whatsoever with respect to these well-wishes, and if you're not Christian, he apologizes" Christmas.

And Happy Birthday to Donald, Lisa, and Maegan.

Via here:

NEW YORK, New York -- Jeremy Piven is ending his run in Broadway's "Speed-the-Plow," due to a condition caused by a high mercury count, according to Variety.

The "Entourage" star missed a Tuesday evening performance and a Wednesday matinee due to his high mercury count health concerns, but David Mamet, the playwright of "Speed-the-Plow," appears skeptical of the actor's exit.

"I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury," Mamet told the entertainment trade mag. "So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."

David Mamet gets a gold star.

About a week ago I received an unsolicited email thanking me for applying for a Spanish translator job. I rarely if ever get unsolicited email to my work account, but I figured it had to be spam since I had never applied for a Spanish translator job (that I knew of). Also, the extent of my knowledge of Spanish consists of knowing that I’m a gringo and that piso mojado means wet floor. So I deleted the email and thought nothing else of it. Much to my surprise, I got a follow-up.

Brian,

Thank you for your recent inquiry for our [Spanish translator job] at [Company Name]. We have not heard back from you to schedule an interview, but the position is still available. Please contact me at [phone number] so that we can schedule a time where we can meet.

Thank you,
[Guy’s Name]

Should I respond? Oh, and which one of you jokers sent in my resume' for this?

ED: There is no perfect translation for the word "job" in Spanish, so this blog title is the best I can do.

At least 2 of the people who have ever come to this site are from Michigan. So perhaps one of them can answer Joe Posnanski's questions:

Do Detroit Lions fans want their team to go 0-16? I think this is a deep question, one that might take a full blog post or essay or something. But I try to put myself in a Lions fan shoes, and my first reaction is that, yes, absolutely, I would want 0-16. I mean, that’s a bit of history. If the Lions go 1-15, they’re just down there with a handful of nondescript and incredibly bad football teams — there wouldn’t be anything SPECIAL about them. If you are going to be bad, be historically bad, that’s what I always say.

But, then I started to think of my own childhood, when I was a young Cleveland Browns fan, and how every football loss took away a little piece of my soul. Oh man, those weeks at school after Browns losses were TERRIBLE. I had that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach for just about the whole week — you know that feeling, when something bad happened, and you just had that sick feeling. You might not even remember precisely what happened was but you still feel it in your belly. I know there are young Lions fans out there who are like that, and I could not wish 16 losses on any of them.

But then I started to think about how much pain the Lions have put those fans through the last few years — I mean, it has been ptiful. It wasn’t just that the Lions were terrible; no, they have snubbed their nose at the fans by refusing to fire their GM, by continuing to hire goofy head coaches, by doing all sorts of nonsensical things in the draft. And as a fan, maybe you want 0-16 so that ownership will REALLY panic and start doing the George Castanza opposite thing. I mean, sure, 1-15 might lead to a new direction, but 0-16 DEFINITELY leads to a new direction, that’s like a punch in the face and everyone would have to stare in the mirror and say, “Um, OK, we literally could not have been worse. I guess every single thing we have done the last few years has been wrong. So let’s completely change course.” That would be good for the Lions.

But then I started to think about those players, the coaches, all the people who invested their hearts into this team. Do they deserve 0-16? Does anyone? Detroit is going through rough times. Isn’t this too cruel?

So basically, I don't know the answer to the question.

Guy 1: I bet you a dollar that I can make this shot.
Guy 2: I bet you $5 that you miss it.
Guy 1: Wait, so you wanna bet $6 then?
Guy 2: No, just $5.
Guy 1: What about the original dollar?
Guy 2: Okay fine. Your dollar plus my $5.
Guy 1: So $6 then?
Guy 2: No. It’s two separate bets.
Guy 1: But it’s for the same thing.
Guy 2: Whatever, you’re not making it regardless.

At least he didn't say "irregardless"

Oh shit, more snow on my car. Bad day.
Hmm, very little traffic this morning. That’s odd. But good day.
My nose is kind of stuffed up. Bad day.
A full pot of coffee is waiting for me in the break room. Good day.
SL is talking real loudly about her kids again. Bad day.
Management is serving lunch to celebrate Christmas. Good day.
I didn’t know about that beforehand, so I brought a lunch. Bad day.
Hey but now I have a lunch for tomorrow. Good day.
Sam keeps asking me for my opinion in his confidence pool. Bad day.
This Fruit Punch G2 tastes delicious. Good day.
Why does this guy keep emailing me? Bad day.
Hey, did you see that caramello is being sold in the break room? Good day.

I think I may have some food issues.

Here is a quote from Rod Blagojevich earlier Wednesday morning:

"I can't wait to begin to tell my side of the story and to address you guys and, most importantly, the people of Illinois. That's who I'm dying to talk to. There's a time and place for everything. That day will soon be here and you might know more about that today, maybe no later than tomorrow."

There's a lot of non-information in there. Luckily, I'm here to translate:

"I can't wait to begin to tell my side of the story and to address you guys and, most importantly, the people of Illinois. It's been over a week since I was arrested and I would have given the people of Illinois my side of the story sooner, but my lawyers hadn't come up with what that side of the story was yet. They're preparing a statement for me though and I think it's just about completed. I'll be honest, I'm looking forward to reading it too. They're some smart people, those lawyers of mine. And the charges against me are pretty straight-forward. I mean I'm on fucking tape trying to sell a Senate job. Believe me, I'm intrigued for my statement just as much as you are."

Whenever I watch a MNF game, I always get a kick out of the player introductions in the beginning where each starter tells me their name and the college they went to. You hear things like:

- Assante Samuel, University of Central Florida
- Victor Abiamiri, Notre Dame
- Donovan McNabb, Syracuse University

Someone who went to Ohio State will always call it "THE Ohio State University". I'm not sure what that's all about. Is there two of them? Is he making sure I know which one he went to? Yeah I don't get it, but whatever. But just once, I'd like for a player to have a little fun with it. Maybe they can make up a school. "Assante Samuel, The University for Southern Baptist Bishops". No, I know. They could use a school that doesn't even have a football team. How about this: "Assante Samuel, The University of Phoenix....on line"

Oh that's gold. It would get at least one laugh.