1 Happy St

Via here: John McCain and Barack Obama will be interviewed by [gulp] Chris Berman on Monday. Those interviews will air at halftime of the MNF game on ESPN and will "give both candidates a last major chance to appeal to Americans during a coveted spot on prime-time television."

Oy.

For fun, I am going to predict how those interviews will go based on fairly obvious and unfunny characterizations of all 3 guys. Why am I doing this? Hey don't ask questions. Here we go:

Chris: "I'm being joined now by John McCain and Abel and Barack Olabama Crimson Tide. Thanks for joining me Gentlemen."

McCain: "The pleasure is all mine, my friend."

Barack: "I'm a socialist."

Okay I gave up. I was going to do a whole thing there, but I ended up working through lunch today and I just didn't have time. I never even came up with anything for Obama to say, so I just went with 'I'm a socialist'. Whatev's. I debated even publishing this, but it's here, so I said screw it. Feel free to predict the rest of the conversation if you'd like and post it in the comments.

And since I don't want to leave you here empty-handed, click the play button on the youtube clip below for a totally underrated 1990's song that you're sure to enjoy.

If you were only able to catch one of the debates, don't worry. You got the gist.

Via here

I read a headline that says the White Sox won’t be picking up Ken Griffey Jr’s $16 million option for 2009. In other news, my boss denied my request to stay home from work for the next few months while still getting paid.

New drinking game: take a shot every time Mike Singletary says "team" during a post-game press conference.

Hey did you know that there’s a World Series going on? I knew there was one going on last week, but apparently there still is. Yeah I was shocked too. I guess you learn something new every day.

I have a wedding to go to this Saturday. I already have bets for the reception on who will be the jealous single girl who wishes she was getting married instead as well as the over-served guy who dances too much, so really the only thing left to bet on is whether this will be the last song played, or this will be. I'm hoping for the latter.

Now that he’s becoming an elite NBA player, do you think any kids will start buying Rudy Gay’s jersey?

On that note, remember that if at first you don’t succeed, ask your manager to assign it to someone else.

"What you have now in [Derrick] Rose is a guy who can penetrate and put the ball in."

Sometimes it's too easy. Although I'm of the opinion that if you're putting the ball in, you're doing it wrong.

A fantastically interesting read on the economy can be found in the Wall Street Journal today by clicking here. The article is written by Arthur Laffer, the napkin guy. I hate to keep mentioning the economy in this space, but it's an issue that effects all of us and will continue effecting all of us for a long time. So I'll recap the article's finer points by creating a fake Q and A between myself and Mr. Laffer.

Me: Arthur, love your work. You're a true patriot. First question, what are your thoughts on the government bailout?

Arthur: Well it's always a nice gesture to alleviate hardships. Buying defaulted mortgages and injecting capital into banks seems like a very nice thing to do. But you have to remember that the government doesn't create; it just redistributes. Whenever the government bails someone out of trouble, they always put someone else into trouble. Also, for every $100 billion in bailout money, the government spends at least $130 billion in taxes, where the $30 billion extra is the cost of getting government involved.

Me: No shit.

Arthur: No, none at all.

Me: I suppose you have some statistics that would back that up.

Arthur: Of course I do. You can read them all in the article. I'd cite them right now but I doubt you'd want to type all that.

Me: Good point. And thank you for your concern. Bottom line though is that you don't feel that a government bailout is the answer.

Arthur: No, I don't. But not only that, the bailout isn't the only thing they're proposing. Right now, they are preparing for a new $300 billion stimulus package in the next Congress. Each of these actions separately increases the tax burden on the economy and does nothing to encourage economic growth. Giving more money to people when they fail and taking more money away from people when they work doesn't increase work. And the stock market knows it. These plans are horribly short-sighted.

Me: Yeah I think we're seeing that right now. So the big-money question Mr. Laffer is this: if the economy is my #1 concern going into next week's election, for whom should I vote that would best serve my interests?

Arthur: You mean the country's interests? Or your interests?

Me: Ah, well played. The country's interests.

Arthur: Well Reagan's dead, and Clinton can't run. So between Obama and McCain, I'd choose option 3.

Me: What's option 3?

Arthur: Exactly.

This morning I wrote this: A woman was brutally attacked at an ATM by a knife-wielding man because her car has a John McCain bumper sticker (this was so crazy it almost sounds fake).

This afternoon I read this: Police sources tell KDKA that a campaign worker has now confessed to making up a story that a mugger attacked her and cut the letter "B" in her face after seeing her McCain bumper sticker.

I'm beginning to hate life.

You may have already read this:
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TOKYO: A 43-year-old Japanese woman whose sudden divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband's digital persona has been arrested on suspicion of hacking, police said Thursday.

The woman, who is jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May, a police official in northern Sapporo said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

"I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry," the official quoted her as telling investigators and admitting the allegations.

She has not yet been formally charged, but if convicted could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

Players in "Maple Story" raise and manipulate digital images called "avatars" that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities and fighting against monsters and other obstacles.

The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Four questions pop into my head after reading that:
1. What the fuck?
2. I'm sorry, so did someone actually die?
3. Why didn't you stop at the bank this morning? You're leaving for out of town after work today and you have no money on you. This would have saved a lot of time.
4. Is that game rated "M"?

The market is so bad right now that they've stopped free trade. A woman was brutally attacked at an ATM by a knife-wielding man because her car has a John McCain bumper sticker (this was so crazy it almost sounds fake). It's dark for the first hour or so that we're awake and it's only light for an hour or so after we get home. The frigging Tampa Bay Rays are representing the American League in the World Series.

I'm tired of doom and gloom. This is supposed to be a happy street. Do you have anything good you'd like to discuss? I'm open for anything.

If something is fun, is it off the chain or off the hook? I can never remember.

We’ve known the man for nearly two decades. So why do some people continue to spell his name "Farve"?

I saw a baby with a piece of hard candy in its hand. I tried to take it from him, but that little guy was having no part of it.

Why are brokerage firms continuing to allow newspaper photographers into their office to take their picture while they look down with their hands on their forehead? That seems counter-productive to me.

Have you ever noticed that the sentimentality over jewelry is almost always linear to its value?

Why hasn’t the light ever gone out on my desk phone that indicates I have a voice mail? And if it ever does, how would I know?

Did you notice all the different rules on balls hit in play that Tropicana Field has? If it hits here, it’s a double. If it hits here, it’s a HR. If it hits here, it’s a foul ball. If it hits here, we kill a hobo. If it hits here, Longoria gets traded to the Yankees. Jeez, if there’s one team that needs a new stadium, it’s the Rays.

Speaking of the World Series, if ever there was a time where I’d condone murdering a singer as he/she was singing our National Anthem, last night would have been that time.

There has to be a better way for me to construct that last sentence. How about this: The Backstreet Boys should be killed.

I'm keeping it short today (that's what SHE said). So on that note, remember that you should always treat strangers with kindness, because you never know if that was only a 1st impression.

Those crazy Brits with their peeing dolls, creepy dads, and...never mind. Just watch.

Note to self: If you're going to ditch out on a restaurant bill just for kicks, make sure you don't accidentally leave behind your purse with your drivers license in it. Oh and your weed. Yeah keep those items close by. A restaurant probably won't dust for fingerprints over a ditched check, but they'll certainly dust for a DRIVERS LICENSE LEFT OUT IN THE OPEN!!!!!!

Another note to self: Quit carrying around a purse. You're a guy.

One final note to self: Pay your stupid restaurant bill next time. The chance of getting arrested certainly isn't worth $46 divided by 4.

Stocks slump for no f*cking reason whatsoever

Okay so I didn't really see that headline, but wouldn't it be appropriate? Just look at some of the stock market headlines that you see on a daily basis. Today the market slumped on recession fears. Okay, but what about yesterday? Wasn't there a fear of a recession yesterday? Yes there was. But that didn't stop the market from surging due to the announcement of a POSSIBLE stimulus package. A stimulus package that hasn't even happened. A stimulus package that has the same possibility of happening today as it had yesterday. I can't find headlines that go back that far, but I have no doubt that the market either slumped or surged on Friday due to something that's still true today. And same for last Thursday. And last Wednesday. And so on. And so on.

So what the f*ck?

They took 'er jerbs.

THEY TOOK ER JERRRRR!

This last part was just for Jeremy. I have nothing left to add. I'm not even saying anything at this point. I'm on ski's looking down at a shark right now.

Fox Sports Jay Glazer reported earlier this week that Brett Favre called the Detroit Lions prior to their game against the Packers a couple weeks ago to share secrets about the Packers' offense. After that game (in which the Packers scored 300 points), players from Green Bay were pissed that Brett would do something like that. But then today during his weekly press conference, Brett denied the allegations that he ever called the Lions. He said that he did speak with Matt Millen, but it was Matt who called him. And they didn't discuss the Packers, they only talked about huntin'. And women. And huntin' and women. And killin' shit. And killin' women. And more huntin'. And gray beards.

Personally, I think this story is so played out.
B-B-B-Bretty and the Jets.
Oh but he’s old and he’s wonderful.
Oh Bretty he’s really keen.
He’s got cowboy boots...and Wrangler jeans,
You know I read it in a magazee-HEEEN, oh oh.
B-B-B-Bretty and the Jets.

The Brewers essentially fired Dale Sveum.
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The team said Friday that Dale Sveum is no longer under consideration to become manager. Sveum was promoted from his coaching position and served as interim manager after Ned Yost was fired with 12 games left in the regular season. The Brewers reached the postseason for the first time since 1982, but lost to Philadelphia in four games in the opening round of the playoffs.
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I always think its unfair when the interim manager gets fired, but it seems especially unfair in this case. Here he was enjoying his job as an assistant coach when all of the suddedn the top guy got fired with only 12 games to go. So he got promoted to fill in for the last 2 weeks. Then the season ended, and now he's being fired completely. Isn't that unfair? Imagine a similar scenario at your job. Your boss gets fired, so the top executives ask you to fill in while they look for someone to fill the position. After they fill it, they fire you completely rather than letting you go back to your old job. Son of a.....

That sucks.

Jose Canseco is saying that he regrets writing a book where he named names about who in MLB was using steroids. During the A&E Network program "Jose Canseco: The Last Shot," Canseco said he regrets mentioning players as steroid users and that he never realized it would blow up the way it did and hurt so many people. He said he wanted revenge on baseball because he believed he had been forced out of the game and the book was his means of getting even.

Hmm, that sucks that he feels bad. Maybe he can write a book about it.

One of the most mindless arguments I've ever found myself on the unpopular side of is my opinion that the Chicago Bears of today would kick the crap out of the Chicago Bears of 1985.

Yeah I have said those words out loud to Bears fans who were around in 1985 and remember that season vividly. And I was ridiculed for it. Perhaps justifiably.

In 1985, the Bears went 18-1 (including the playoffs and Super Bowl) and are generally regarded as one of the best football teams of all time. The Bears of today have lost 3 out of 7 games so far and have a defense that had no problem giving up 41 points on Sunday to a team that starts Gus Frerotte at QB.

So how could I possibly think that the Bears of today would beat the Bears of 1985? It's simple, really. And pretty mindless. But let me try.

Let's start with the defensive line. In 1985, they had a mixture of Steve McMichael, William Perry, and Dan Hampton on the inside with Richard Dent and I think Tyrone Keys on the outside. That's one hell of a defensive line. Today, they generally use 4 guys with Tommie Harris and Dusty Dvoracek on the inside and Alex Brown and Adawale Ogunleye on the ends. Not quite as good, right? But look at their sizes. In 1985, William Perry's listed weight was 315 pounds, which made him the only guy on the team to top 300. It even earned him the nickname "the refrigerator". Tommie Harris is currently listed at 305, but nobody is about to give him a nickname like that. And do you know why? It's because he is one of TWELVE guys on his team who weigh over 300 pounds. They're all bigger and faster now. Do you think those defensive linemen from 1985 could get pressure on Kyle Orton when they'd be going up against Roberto Garza at 6'2"/310, Josh Beekman at 6'2"/310, John St. Clair at 6'5"/315, John Tait at 6'6"/312, and Olin Kreutz at 6'2"/292? I really don't think so.

Let me do the same thing with the middle linebackers. In 1985, Mike Singletary played middle linebacker at 6'0", 230 pounds. Today, Brian Urlacher plays the same position at 6'4", 258 pounds. Oh, and he can also run the 40 yard dash in 4.5 seconds*. Was there anybody in the league who was both Brian's size and who could run that kind of 40 yard dash back in 1985? No there wasn't.

My point is that at just about every position, athletes today are bigger, stronger, and faster. So while the 1985 Bears were miles ahead of their closest competition in 1985, they'd get pushed around pretty good in 2008.

Of course you could make the argument that if players back then were offered the same training programs from an early age that players get today, then this would be no contest. But isn't it fun to start a subjective argument that nobody can prove and one that gets people mad for no real reason? Yes. Yes it is.

I told you it was pretty mindless.

*EDIT: I should have put "he used to be able to run a 4.5 in the 40". It's clear that he's lost a step or nine this season. Poor Brian. It was fun while it lasted though.

All of us that sit within a 20 foot radius heard you during that 10 minute personal call that you just had with your spouse. You weren't quiet about it. In fact you were quite loud, almost as if you wanted all of your co-workers to know about your personal business. Well we didn't. And we certainly didn't need you to fill us in after you hung up. That was just awkward. For Everyone. Trust me. So can you do me a favor and click that arrow on the box above?

Thanks.

General Motors has been in talks about a possible merger with Chrysler, a deal that could drastically remake the landscape of the auto industry by reducing the Big Three of Detroit automakers to the Big Two.

A merger would be a historic event, with two of the most iconic names in American industry coming together to survive in an increasingly difficult environment. Both have roots dating back decades in Detroit and, with Ford, long dominated the auto industry — until Japanese and other foreign car makers began making inroads into the American market.
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It's like a man on welfare getting married to a woman on welfare.

"With the economy likely to be weak for several quarters, and with some risk of a protracted slowdown, consideration of a fiscal package by the Congress at this juncture seems appropriate." - Ben Bernanke

Anybody else get the feeling that the people in charge are just throwing darts at a list of options?

Donald sent me that. It made me laugh. And posting it allows me to use a few labels that haven't been used in a while.

Headline seen: Analysis: Credit crisis isn't over yet

I can't help but click on a link that says that. I don't know about you, but I thought for sure that the crisis was over. I mean it's been a tough 2 weeks, hasn't it? If this thing lasts another week or 2, we're all gonna be screwed.

So I clicked on the link, and this is what I saw: Is credit crisis over? Not so fast. An astute observer says the financial system isn't anywhere close to a recovery...

For serious? Who is this astute observer who would make such a claim?

Hmm, could it be the guy who is upside down by hundreds of thousands of dollars and is having trouble making his mortgage payment? No, probably not him. He's an idiot. So could it be the guy who is upside down by hundreds of thousands of dollars and simply stopped making his mortgage payment? Hell no. He's a bigger idiot than the first guy.

I know it. It's that guy in America who has access to a computer or newspaper or television or radio. Yeah it's probably him.

I'll leave it to Ken Tremendous for the follow-up after watching that video:

"You want to rephrase that, Matt?"

"Yes, I do. Ahem. When you get that nice celebration coming in the dugout, and you're getting your weiner diddled by the guys--"

"Okay, thanks. That's enough."

Guy 1: what state is it in?
Guy 2: keniticiut

Ooo, so close.

I love this story:
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WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. doctors have found the Bee Gees 1977 disco anthem "Stayin' Alive" provides an ideal beat to follow while performing chest compressions as part of CPR on a heart attack victim.

The American Heart Association calls for chest compressions to be given at a rate of 100 per minute in cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). "Stayin' Alive" almost perfectly matches that, with 103 beats per minute.

In a small study headed by Dr. David Matlock of the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Peoria, listening to "Stayin' Alive" helped 15 doctors and medical students to perform chest compressions on dummies at the proper speed. Five weeks after practicing with the music playing, they were asked to perform CPR again on dummies by keeping the song in their minds, and again they kept up a good pace.
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It's funny because I always thought that song was actually about giving someone CPR.

Hey don't you wonder which song provides the best rhythm for sex? Surely it can't be anything by The Ramones, right?

[Edit: I hate being a joke explainer, but that might not make any sense. Songs by The Ramones are famous for being very fast and very short. Eh.]

This is the greatest 4 minutes in cinematic history. I will not dispute this.

So does anybody know any good plumbers? I have a leak in a basement pipe that needs fixin'. He doesn't even need to be licensed. I'm not picky. I just need someone who can fix it.

Back in mid-July, the cost of crude oil reached $147/barrel. At the time, OPEC blamed a weakening supply as the reason for the record cost. We knew better though. It was all speculation, right? George Soros said it back in May: He said those exact words actually. He said that the price of crude oil is based more on speculation than any rational balance of supply and demand and that a recession in the US and the rest of the West would bring oil prices down sharply. Look what we're seeing now. He couldn't have been any more right. I'm no expert in commodities trading, but do you think a greater supply could have caused a $75 drop in 3 months? I doubt it.

I don't support a cap on speculation, but it's pretty clear to me that financial investors were ripping us off all summer.

- Have you ever heard anyone use the word "preposterous" in real life? I haven’t. I’ve only heard it in movies when rich white businessmen are getting fired.

- I was walking on cloud 8 earlier this morning. As I approached cloud 9, I stopped and turned around. You know, because fuck cloud 9.

- I busted out my fall jacket for the first time and there was a $10 bill in the pocket. Normally I’d be happy, but I couldn’t help but think that with the dollar value being where it is today versus last spring, this was kind of like cashing in stock options after a market crash.

- Things are easier said than done, unless you’re an antidisestablishmentarianist.

- Someone in the neighborhood was cooking with charcoal last night. Two thoughts crossed my mind. One was "Mmm, I love that smell". The other was "who the hell still uses charcoal?" God bless them though.

- Jill and I were watching the news last week and she heard that the Bulls had lost their first preseason game. Her reaction: "wait, basketball already? Fu*king baseball just ended!" I feel for her. Really I do.

- Deep dish pizza is an insult to pizza. Nobody will convince me otherwise.

- I’m back to eating Dove ice cream bars. Oh how I missed thee. If you buy them, make sure you get them with chocolate ice cream though. I’d bathe in it if it was socially acceptable. Actually it’s just the cost that’s holding me back.

- I like Brian Billick as a football commentator, but someone needs to explain to him where the red zone is. He was attributing it to every time the offense made it past midfield.

- I could never be one of the street interviews for the E! News fact or fiction segment. When the host would say to me "Mariah Carey is trying to get pregnant, fact or fiction", I would look right into the camera and say "who gives a shit?"

- On that note, remember that crime pays if you’re good at it.

Some people ask me why I have a blog. "Oooh, I have a lot of things to say. I'm important. Let me tell you what happened to me on my way into work. I like to use the word "random". See there? I just used it. Random. I'm random. Love me. Read me."

Yeah, having a blog is a lot like that.

But it's also a place to upload the coolest pictures of all time. Like that picture up there of Kapowski wearing a White Sox hat.