1 Happy St

I'm driving to work this morning in the center lane of a 3-lane highway. There's an accident up ahead in the right lane, so all the cars to my right are merging to the center with me. As you can imagine, traffic is moving pretty slowly. As we start to get closer to the accident, this crazy woman from the left lane just ahead of me begins to try and get over to the center (WHERE ALL THE CARS FROM THE RIGHT ARE TRYING TO GET TO AS WELL). The guy in front of me wants no part of her. He's being a real jerk about it too by riding the car in front of him and refusing to let her in. He rolls down his window.

"#### You, Lady! Stay the #### on your side."

Seems reasonable.

I'll let her in though. She's clearly insane and I'm already running late, so what's one more car in this already packed lane? I wave her in and she gets in front of me. But then she puts on her signal again. She's trying to get all the way over to the right. What the hell? Does she not see the accident over there? This woman really is insane. She's rolling down her window. She wants to talk to me. What the freak is going on here?

"Thank you," she says. "The woman in the accident up here is my sister, I'm stopping to help."

"Any time," I say.

What's the moral of the story?

Women can't drive.

So who else is sick of sports right now? Every one of them has some kind of controversy going on. MLB and the Tour-de-France has steroids, the NFL has dog fighting and DUI's and strip-club shootings, and now the NBA has allegations of gambling. Please tell me I don't have to start following soccer.

No, that can't happen. I need my real sports back. So hear me out as I share with you my radical idea on how to fix all this. Everyone involved in these sports should embrace their lack of morals and make everything legal. You want to gamble on the score and shave points? Do it. It will add an element to the game that's unpredictable to the fans. You want to bulk up on 'roids and hit 100 HR's? Go for it. Everyone likes HR's. You want to go to a strip club and shoot a bunch of strippers? Hey, who am I to say that's wrong? Light their hair on fire for all I care. But if it's legal, we can all stop reading about it and just go back to watching the games. No more "Outside the Lines" specials. No more "HBO Real Sports" controversies. I want to see ridiculous calls by referrees, crazy 600 foot home runs, and dead strippers. Call me crazy? No, call me American.