1 Happy St

It took us 8 years, but we now know that George Bush has the reflexes of a cat. How did it take us so long to figure that out? He must have studied the 5 D's from Patches: Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive, and Dodge.

Yeah, but who throws a shoe? I mean honestly.

George W. Bush: "Hey Fellas. We haven't done anything bat-shit crazy in a while, and our time left in this office is limited. Anybody got any ideas?"

Advisor #1: "We could announce plans to cancel a holiday. Maybe Halloween or something? It's a pagan holiday anyway."

George W. Bush: "Nah, I kinda like Halloween. I get to dress up and stuff. Halloween stays. Any other ideas?"

Advisor #2: "What about adding a holiday? I know a lot of people that wish there were more days off in August. August has nothing."

George W. Bush: "I like your style. In fact, write that down; we need to do something about August. But c'mon people. I need crazy. Give me something totally bat-shit crazy. We've done it before, I know we can do it again."

Advisor #3: "How about we take that research lab of contagious animal diseases that we have on that isolated island and move it onto the U.S. mainland? How does that sound?"

George W. Bush: "Hot damn we got a winner! You wanna write up the paperwork
Jimmy?"

Advisor #3: "It's Danny, Sir."

George W. Bush: "Whatever Bobby. Have it on my desk by morning."

So what could have inspired this [fake] dialogue? Read for yourself. Ain't he the best?

If you haven’t heard by now, former NBA player Tim Hardaway stated yesterday in a radio interview that he hates gay people. That’s not a paraphrase, he actually said the words "I hate gay people". This of course was in reaction to another former NBA player John Amaechi recently coming out as being gay, and Hardaway was asked his feelings on the matter. Afterwards, Hardaway apologized for his comments by saying "I shouldn’t have said I hate gay people or anything like that. That was my mistake."

I don’t know how you feel, but any time something like this happens, it puts a hop in my step. I live for situations like these. Look how close Hardaway came to using the "my bad" defense, substituting the word "bad" with "mistake". Wouldn’t you love it if more people started using this defense?

- Pete Rose, you gambled on baseball. "Yeah, that was my bad."
- Rae Carruth, you killed your former girlfriend. "Hmm, yeah, my bad on that."
- Brian, you’re not funny. "You’re right, my bad."
- George Bush, you got us stuck in Iraq with no way out. "Yeah, completely my bad."
- Barry Bonds, you took all those steroids. "F___ you!"

Some people need to work on their apologies.

During tonight's State of the Union address, George W. Bush will say a bunch of words, which will be followed up by loud cheers and standing ovations by half the room while the other half sits in their chairs quietly. Then when the cheers die down, Bush will say some more words, followed by loud cheers and standing ovations by the same half of the room that gave him the loud cheers and standing ovations the first time while the other half continues to sit in their chairs quietly. This will go on for like 30 minutes.

Just a prediction.

Quote from Mr. Kruger in a 1997 episode of Seinfeld: "Boy we really took it on the chin this year."

A couple quotes from George Bush yesterday: "2006 was a difficult year for our troops" and "next year will bring more painful U.S. losses."

Let's all be thankful our new defense secretary isn't George Costanza.