1 Happy St

PSA from 1 Happy St

2009-11-03T15:08:00.004-05:00

I just got an email from "PayPal" saying my account was expired and I needed to renew and to "click here". The attached hyperlink is fake and will most likely will bring you to a place you don't want to be. So if you get something similar, don't fall for it. The grammar mistakes should be a dead giveaway, but hey you never know.

Conversation between two marrieds, perhaps you've said too much Edition

2009-11-02T12:49:00.003-05:00

Her: No for real. If I were to die tomorrow, do you think you'd ever get remarried?
Him: Tough to say. All I can say for sure is that you're the only person I've ever met who I could ever see myself being married to.
Her: I better be.
Him: Okay how 'bout you? Would you get remarried?
Her: Hell no. I'm not doing that again. I'd probably have lots of sex though.

How to start a riot in the office:

2009-10-28T11:25:00.002-04:00

Send a broadcast message to the entire floor that says, "I bought some extra Halloween candy. It's in the breakroom. Get it while it lasts."

Only 3 injuries reported this time though, so that's good.

Maybe I will

2009-10-27T08:46:00.003-04:00

For reasons beyond my control, 1happyst.tumblr.com may have been updated for the last time, so this may be my only other option.

I'm still debating. I'll let you know though.

This is the end. My only friend, the end. And you people of course.

2009-01-23T15:32:00.006-05:00

Goodbye Folks. It's been fun. If you'd like to chat, please email me.

I suppose his day will live on in infamy, so there's that

2009-01-23T08:58:00.003-05:00

"Dec. 9 to my family, to us, to me, is what Pearl Harbor Day was to the United States. It was a complete surprise, completely unexpected. And just like the United States prevailed in that, we'll prevail in this." - Rod Blagojevich

Other things that are complete surprises and completely unexpected:

- Opening a door and there being another person on the other side
- The first time you saw the end of The Sixth Sense
- Sneezes
- Joakim Noah having a good game
- Getting a letter in the mail
- Cell phone bills if you went over your minutes
- Surprise parties
- An episode of 30 Rock that isn't funny
- Positive pregnancy tests for couples who weren't trying

Do you know what all of those examples have in common? NONE OF THEM RESULTED IN THE DEATH OF THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE NOR THE DESTRUCTION OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PROPERTY NOR CAUSED OUR COUNTRY TO ENTER A WORLD WAR.

Other than that, his simile is spot on.

Have I mentioned that I hate this man?

SNL on Wednesday's

2009-01-21T13:48:00.002-05:00

I'm out of ideas.

Me too.

What if we dressed Kristin up like some freakish woman who creates mischief.

We've done that 300 times already.

Okay, well what if Will was in the scene with her and he just kept repeating her name over and over again.

I don't get it.

Neither do I, but we're stuck.

Okay, so what will Kristin's character's name be?

Um, Gilly?

Why Gilly?

It sounds funny, right?

No.

C'mon, picture Will just saying "Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly, Gilly" over and over and over again for 5 minutes.

Yeah I don't get it.

Well you better jump on board with it because we're doing it.

Will he make mistakes? Sure. Actually he already did.

2009-01-20T13:33:00.002-05:00

It turns out that Barack Obama made his 1st mistake as President only 3 sentences into his speech. When he said, "Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath", that was wrong. It's true that he's the 44th President, but only 43 Americans have taken the oath.

Grover Cleveland anyone?

A handful of final thoughts

2009-01-20T12:53:00.006-05:00

Why didn't Aretha go with the big bow?

Do you realize that we don't have a President right now all because of Yo Yo Ma? (from Sam at about 12:01 ET)

Hearing Barack Obama give a speech, I can't help but be reminded of Eddie Murphy when he's doing his MLK impression in The Distinguished Gentleman. Are there any handicaps or gays on the committee. No gays.

Pretty typical though. Talked about hope for the new administration. Thanked the outgoing administration. A nice job overall. But did he pick a dog yet?

I double-checked with my opinion and that was the Worst. Poem. Evar.

Okay you were there. You flew to D.C. and stood there in 20 degree weather to watch a guy give a 15 minute speech. What next? Coffee shop? Bar? Laser Tag?

I'd rather watch Army/Navy

2009-01-20T11:43:00.004-05:00

It sounds like I'm listening to a college football game.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009-2013 United States Executive Branch

Woooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#44 (get it?), at President, Barack Obama

Woooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only thing we have to fear is what your country can do for you

2009-01-20T10:14:00.000-05:00

Wait, Barack Obama is only 47 years old? Wow that's young. And he's from Hawaii? That's gotta be a first, right? No wonder people are making a big deal about this.

Overheard in the office

2009-01-20T09:34:00.005-05:00

"Johnny" is talking loudly near "Billy's" desk.

Billy: "Hey Johnny, someone on the other side of the floor wants to talk to you."
Johnny: "Who?"
Billy: "It doesn't matter. Pick someone."
Johnny: "Okay I get it."

I don't know why I put myself through such things, Part 2 (and a TWSS)

2009-01-19T14:29:00.004-05:00

More overheard by Bulls color man Bill Wennington during the radio broadcast: "Nice penetration by Derrick Rose who was able to find an opening. With his length and quickness he has quite an advantage once he gets near the rim."

Oh come on.

I don't know why I put myself through such things

2009-01-19T14:21:00.003-05:00

Overheard by Bulls color man Bill Wennington during the radio broadcast: "That was a good possession on offense by the Bulls. Gordon missed the 3, but Deng was right there for the rebound. He did a good job blocking out and got the easy putback."

I guess that's the Bulls offense in a nutshell: run it through a smallish 2-guard who can't dribble and shoots 40% from the floor. Then get the rebound after he misses. Just the way Vinny drew it up.

The most depressing would-be signing since Michael Jordan laced 'em up for the Wizards

2009-01-19T11:27:00.005-05:00

Via ESPN Rumor Central: The Pittsburgh Pirates have contacted free agent pitcher Pedro Martinez and would be interested if the price is right, the Pittsburgh Post Gazette reported.

I have no problem living in a time when major newspapers in NY, LA, and Chicago are bankrupt. I have no problem living in a time when my house is worth half of what it was worth 4 years ago. I have no problem living in a time when the unemployment rate is near 10%. But I'll be damned if I will accept living in a time when Pedro Martinez is a pitcher for the Pirates.

IM conversation with co-worker (and Cub fan) Donald

2009-01-19T09:37:00.006-05:00

Don has been down on his team since the end of Game 3 against the Dodgers (actually it's probably closer to the end of Game 1). On Sunday, his team traded the once-untouchable (and 5 tool?) prospect Felix Pie to the Orioles for a couple of young pitchers Garrett Olsen, 25 and Henry Williamson, 23. Here is the IM conversation Don and I just had.

Donald(08:31): Was Garrett Olsen like the O's 5th starter last year?
Brian(08:32): Kinda. He's one of those guys who has been good in the minors and then sucks royally when he's reached the majors. Much like Felix Pie actually.
Donald(08:32): ahhh the old crap for crap
Brian(08:32): Or....the old "you take my crap and turn it gold while I take your crap and keep it crap"
Donald(08:33): Or....the old "you take my crap and turn it gold while I take your crap and give it to San Diego to make it gold while taking their crap"
Brian(08:33): i just LOL'd

Cubs Fever! See if you can catch it!

Also, this team won 97 games last year.

Awesome. Go White Sox!

FOLLOW-UP FROM BRIAN: Where was Kenny Williams while this trade was happening? You're telling me the White Sox couldn't find a spot on their roster for a guy like Felix Pie when their current CF's are Brian Anderson and friggin' Jerry Owens? Shameful.

Please turn off all devices and keep your seat back and tray tables...

2009-01-16T12:46:00.005-05:00

Headline seen: US Airways survivor texts: 'My plane is crashing'

Well I guess now we know. It wasn't a bird. Some moron had their cell phone turned on.

/too soon?

Who was that guy who was in that movie about the thing?

2009-01-16T12:06:00.005-05:00

When I was watching Mannequin the other night (still don’t judge me), I noticed that the antagonist, well one of them, was James Spader. I forgot that he was in that, which makes sense because it didn’t really look like him. He definitely looked a lot different in Mannequin than he did in Pretty in Pink. I got to thinking about other movies where I was shocked to learn who one of the actors was. For instance:

- One of Biff’s friends in Back to the Future is Billy Zane.

- The villainous nerdy kid from Road Trip is Daryl from Adventures in Babysitting. "Ya think?"

- Connie, the mom from Son in Law, is also Ferris’s mom. I found this one out by questioning how two "different" actresses can have the same name. Wasn't that against union rules? Oh yeah I'm a smart one.

- Ronald Miller’s little brother is Seth Green.

- Siggy from What About Bob is the "beer has gone bad" guy from Can’t Hardly Wait.

Can you think of more that shocked you when you first learned/realized it?

It's cold out there. What is this Miami Beach? Not hardly.

2009-01-16T10:49:00.003-05:00

One thought crossed my mind as I looked at the thermometer on my dashboard that was showing -18: it could be 50 degrees warmer and it would still be freezing. Pretty cool.

Once it gets down to -18, does it really matter if it gets any colder? Like would I be able to tell the difference between -18 and -35? Maybe. But either way I'm staying inside as much as possible. The only thing that should change is my gas bill. So I'm rooting for colder. I wanna break records.

This really happened

2009-01-16T09:32:00.005-05:00

Jill was wrapped up in a blanket on the couch. I got up to go to bed, so I handed her the TV remote.

Jill: "No I don't want it. I wouldn't be able to flip anyway. I'm all wrapped up here."

Brian: "HA!!!! You need a Snuggie!"

I've got more chins than Chinatown. Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, alright!

2009-01-15T12:38:00.004-05:00

FoxSports.com has learned that the White Sox and pitcher Bartolo Colon have agreed to a one-year deal, pending a physical. Excellent. I wonder what happens during a physical of Bartolo Colon.

White Sox Team Doctor: "Welcome back, Bartolo. First things first; how does your arm feel?"

Bartolo: "It hurts."

White Sox Team Doctor: "Can you tie your own shoes?"

Bartolo: "Almost."

White Sox Team Doctor: "Okay you pass."

Shouldn't they be called "womannequins"?

2009-01-15T09:38:00.002-05:00

Okay I have an idea for a movie. Here me out, I think it’s rock solid. Hey, Rock Solid, that’s a pretty decent porn name. Alright, so this idea: a down-on-his-luck man in his mid-20’s keeps going from job to job, but can’t seem to find anything he’s good at, nor anything he enjoys. It seems like every day he has a new job, and every day he gets fired. Silly, right? Yeah, but also awesome. Until one day, he gets a job as a night cleanup boy at a large department store. Oh you see where I’m going with this.

His first night at his new job, he’s not all that enthused with what he’s doing, but at the same time, he can’t help but notice that he enjoys creating mannequins. Did I lose you? I may have, but please hear me out. So he ends up creating this beautiful mannequin who comes to life whenever the two of them are alone together and she helps him create ridiculous window displays at the department store that become so wickedly popular that they end up increasing the store’s foot-traffic to the point where the store is saved from pending bankruptcy. Okay so the idea is still a little wet behind the ears, but the premise is almost too perfect not to be made into a movie, am I right? There will also be a sub-plot or two where a competing department store manager tries to get him fired, there’ll be a bumbling security guard of course, maybe a gay guy or two and a jealous former girlfriend. Look, all the details haven’t been written yet. But I think I’m onto something here.

Oh, the mannequin. You may be wondering how she comes to life. Well that’s the beauty of Hollywood. We don’t really have to explain it. Maybe she can be from ancient Egypt or something and she’s come here via some kind of portal or….you know what, that’s not important. What is important is I think I have a Rock Solid (still a good name) movie idea that needs to be made ASAP.
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By now, you may be wondering what the point of all that was. A few nights ago, I fell asleep with the TV on and I woke up at like 1 AM to this classic 80’s montage playing in the background. I ended up staying awake and watching the rest. Don’t judge me; you would have too.

Keeping it simple, NY Mets-style

2009-01-14T16:56:00.005-05:00

From Paul Lukas: This is the "design" that the Mets will be wearing as a patch on their right sleeves throughout the 2009 season to commemorate the opening of Citi Field. [I] think it's fair to say it takes a very special kind of tin ear, a truly rarefied strain of tone deafness, to put that patch on a big league baseball uniform. What shall we compare it to -- an elementary school computer project? A certain fast food logo? Generic clichés like "My kid could do better" or "How'd that get approved?" can't convey the scope of a design failure this monumental...

If you don't feel like clicking any of those links, here's what it looks like:

I think Paul is being a little unfair. It's got nice rounded edges. The mixture of blue and orange is kind of appealing. And you really can't argue that this season is both the inaugural one and it takes place in 2009. What more does he want? Maybe a slogan? Something like "Mets is our name, baseball is our game"? Nah, too many words and way too confusing. Come to think of it, the word "inaugural" is probably a little too advanced.

Okay, change "inaugural" to "first". Then make the entire thing straight up and down instead of on a slant. Oh that's gold.

My dad was a jerk, the women in my office are all jealous of me, and my estradiol level is off the charts

2009-01-14T12:30:00.006-05:00

Dr. Kristina Durante of The University of Texas at Austin and colleagues found that young women felt more attractive when they had high levels of an estrogen known as estradiol, and they acted on those feelings.

"Women with higher estradiol reported a greater likelihood of flirting, kissing and having a serious affair with someone other than their primary partner and were marginally more likely to date another man," Durante's team wrote in the Royal Society Journal Biology Letters.

Interesting. An updated list of blind date must-asks for guys:

1. Are there any women in your office that you hate?
2. Are there any women in your office that hate you?
3. How's your relationship with your dad?
4. Do you get along better with guys or girls?
5. What's your estradiol level?

Pardon me, do you have any unbelievable stories?

2009-01-14T12:10:00.004-05:00

Via here: Hall of Fame receiver Michael Irvin was stopped at a red light Monday night when two men in a truck pulled up next to him. The driver rolled down his window, so Irvin did the same, thinking the two men recognized the radio talk show host and television commentator. The passenger flashed a gun. Then the retired NFL star heard one of them call out his name and mentioned being a "huge Cowboy fan." Irvin says he began talking with the men about the team's disappointing 9-7 season and Dallas not making it to the Super Bowl. The pair eventually drove off.

Now I'm not going to say that this story isn't true, but I will say that it's a complete lie. No I'm kidding. The same thing happened to me once. Except it wasn't a truck that pulled up next to me, it was a car. And they didn't have a gun, they were asking for directions.

Overheard in the office

2009-01-14T10:58:00.002-05:00

Guy 1: "Hey good morning. How you doin' today?"

Guy 2: "Not bad. You?"

Guy 1: "Can't complain. A little bit of cold. A little bit of snow. Other than that I'm alright."

Guy 2: "Yeah a little bit of cold never hurt anybody. Well except for that guy from Minnesota who died."

Thank God I'm a believer. Ha!

2009-01-14T07:48:00.000-05:00

Have you ever thought that the only thing keeping you from not being a murdering, lying, stealing criminal is that you're not an atheist? I'll be honest, if I was an atheist, I'd be in some serious [bleep] right now. I feel pretty certain about that.

Oh Rickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blew my mind

2009-01-12T15:31:00.006-05:00

1 Happy St would like to congratulate Rickey Henderson on his induction to the HOF. With a little help from Ryne Sandberg, Brian has written Rickey's speech:

RICKEY: What a beautiful day this is. Rickey stands here today before you humbled and a grateful baseball player. Rickey is truly honored and in awe, honored to be in the class with his fellow inductee Jim Rice. And as Rickey looks behind him here, wow, at the greatest players in the history of the game, Rickey is in awe. Rickey knows that if he had ever allowed himself to think this was possible, if Rickey had ever taken one day in pro ball for granted, he's sure he would not be here today. This will come as a shock, but Rickey is almost speechless.

The reason Rickey is here, they tell him, is that he played the game a certain way, that he played the game the way it was supposed to be played. Rickey doesn't know about that, but Rickey does know this: he had too much respect for the game to play it any other way, and if there was a single reason he is here today, it is because of one word, respect. Rickey loves to play baseball. He's a baseball player. He's always been a baseball player. He's still a baseball player. That's who he is.

CROWD: We love you, Rickey!

RICKEY: He loves you too. He was a baseball player when he was ten or twelve years old pretending to be Willie Stargell or Johnny Bench or Luis Tiant, when his bat was an old fungo, his ball was a plastic golf ball, when the field was the street. He was a baseball player at Oakland Technical High School. Even though he was an All-American running back and received two dozen scholarships to play football in college, he turned them down. Then he was signed by the Oakland A's in the 4th round of the 1976 draft. Rickey had too much respect for the game to leave it behind or to make it his second or third sport in college.

Everything he is today, everything he has today, everything he will ever be is because of the game of baseball, not the game you see on TV or in movies, baseball, the one we all know, in dirt fields and in alleys. We all know that game. The game fit Rickey because it was right.

It was all about doing things right. If you played the game the right way, played the game for the team, good things would happen. That's what Rickey loved most about the game, how a ground out to second with a man on second and nobody out was a great thing.

Respect.

Thank you, and go Rickey!

I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press. Without them, nobody would know who the [bleep] I am

2009-01-12T08:53:00.005-05:00

Here is my impression of what it's like to watch the Golden Globes:

And the nominees for Best Actor in a Drama series are:
- Some guy you've never heard of from Dexter.
- Another guy you've never heard of from In Treatment.
- The only guy you recognize out of each of the 5 nominees.
- A third guy you've never heard of from True Blood.
- A fourth guy you've never heard of from yet another show you don't watch.

And the winner is............one of the four guys you've never heard of.

Yay!

Kenneth tries to "top that"

2009-01-12T08:43:00.002-05:00

On January 2nd, I gave you this.

On January 8th, Kenneth gave us this:

This makes me even happier than I was back in May when Nard Dog used my urn joke.

All I have to say is...SnugWow!

2009-01-09T18:14:00.005-05:00

So I bought a Snuggie. The light it comes with is awesome; totally worth the 19 bucks.

Eh, let's try another one.

So I bought a Snuggie. It's awesome. I wear it backwards. You know, like a robe.

Hmm, I still think it's a no. Let's try one more.

So I bought a Snuggie. It's awesome. Except my hands get wicked cold. I wish it came with built-in mittens. Or no holes in it.

Yeah, that's the keeper.

Rod Blagojevich, Sanaa Lathan, and other Randoms

2009-01-09T15:02:00.004-05:00

It’s too bad for my resume' that companies don’t put a whole lot of stock in such skills as "makes good use of that’s what she said" or "keeps his desktop icons meticulously organized" or "always finds the cleanest bathroom stall" or "the uncanny ability to pick just the right amount of time to heat his food in the microwave". Otherwise I’d be in high demand.

Now that Candace Parker is pregnant with Shelden Williams' child, isn’t it about time that Hollywood makes a movie based on their life starring Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan? They could call it "Love & Basketball" or something.

A congressional panel overseeing the $700 billion bailout program says "it has no idea" what banks are doing with the money lawmakers approved last fall to stave off a looming financial crisis. Hmm, it’s a good thing they’re not a congressional panel in charge of oversight.

People who have never worn contact lenses don’t understand what it means to have a bad contact lense day. So allow me to explain it. Imagine someone stabbed you in the eye with a fork. Okay now imagine you have to keep the fork in your eye all day. Yeah it’s like that.

The Illinois House of Representatives voted 114-1 to impeach Hairdon’t. Good news. I look forward to the day when nothing becomes of it. Hey, aren’t there 118 representatives in Illinois? Yes there are. So who were the 3 who didn’t vote? Maybe they were busy voting on that other huge story out of Illinois.

My favorite part of Valentine’s Day: chewy red hearts. My least favorite part of Valentine’s Day: everything else.

What is the likelihood that the part of your windshield wiper that does the worst job during a snowstorm is the part that’s right in your line of sight? Is it 100%?

On that note, remember that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless the apple is tainted with poison.

A little video to brighten your day

2009-01-08T12:27:00.001-05:00

Urine deep trouble now

2009-01-07T15:36:00.001-05:00

Via this via TBL:

A 43-year old Delray Beach man who told police he keeps his urine in a plastic container so he doesn't have to seek out bathrooms was arrested and charged with simple battery Tuesday after dumping the contents of said container over his girlfriend. According to police, Paul Thomas Hamill "saturated" his girlfriend with the urine during the course of an argument in the parking lot of a Stuart service station. She responded by dousing him with red wine and calling the cops.

Been there. Not judging.

We've made one bad decision, we can't stop there.

2009-01-07T15:03:00.003-05:00

From Roland S. Martin:

It is total hypocrisy for the naysayers of embattled Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich to assert that he didn't have the legal right to appoint Roland Burris to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama.

Hypocrisy? Really? Hmm, you've got my attention. Tell me why.

It seems a lot of folks are excited and happy that Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White took a stand by refusing to sign the paperwork certifying Burris as the Senate appointee. Yet what these same folks somehow refuse to recognize is that Blagojevich isn't some guy sitting around in his office, twiddling his fingers, flipping through the cable channels with a remote and waiting to get impeached. He is still carrying out his duties as governor.

Yeah I know. A crying shame, right? This a-hole is still making decisions. Go on though.

Did you know that since his arrest in December, Blagojevich has pardoned 22 people? I haven't heard a huge outcry over this tainted governor setting folks free.

22 people? Are you serious? You're right, there should be outcry. Perhaps this is something that should be reported a bit more by the media. Hey, you're the media, right Roland? I'm so glad you're touching on this.

Did you know that Blagojevich continues to sign bills that were passed by the General Assembly?

For reals? This is getting out of hand.

Did you know that two days ago, Blagojevich, as determined by state law, set March 3 as the primary and April 7 as the general election to fill the congressional seat of Rahm Emanuel, who resigned after agreeing to become Obama's chief of staff?

No I didn't. But thanks for telling me. It's a [bleeping] joke that this man is still in office. I should ask though, is there a point to all of this?

I was one of the many voices who said that in light of what he was arrested for, Blagojevich should resign his seat because his presence paralyzes state government. And I still believe that. But we are way beyond that now. He chose not to do so, which is his right.

Ugh. So much for arguing the correct point.

Overheard in the office

2009-01-06T15:10:00.003-05:00

Guy 1: "Hey did you hear that they adjusted the atomic clock by one second during New Years?"

Guy 2: "No I didn't hear that. Did I lose a second or did I gain a second?"

Guy 1: "You lost a second."

Guy 2: "Son of a bitch. I can't catch a break."

Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it.

2009-01-06T10:02:00.005-05:00

Headline seen: Romijn and husband welcome twin girls

Poor Jerry O'Connell. He's listed as "husband" in a headline about him and his wife. We're talking about Vern here. No, we're talking about Cush. I've got Cush-lash. Cush-lash, Cush-lash, Cush-lash Cush-lash Cush-lash. No wait, even better. Am I to believe that Trip McNeely doesn't get top billing in a headline?

For shame.

A new study out of "Duh" Magazine

2009-01-06T09:13:00.004-05:00

2005 called. It wants its story back.

Via here:

More than half of teenagers mention risky behaviors such as sex and drugs on their MySpace accounts, U.S. researchers said on Monday. [Researchers] said many young people who use social networking sites such as News Corp's MySpace do not realize how public they are and may be opening themselves to risks, but the sites may also offer a new way to identify and help troubled teens. "We found the majority of teenagers who have a MySpace account are displaying risky behaviors in a public way that is accessible to a general audience," said Dr. Dimitri Christakis of Seattle Children's Research Institute, whose studies appear in the journal Archives of Pediatric & Adolescent Medicine. In one of two studies, Christakis and Dr. Megan Moreno of the University of Wisconsin analyzed 500 randomly chosen MySpace profiles of 18-year-olds in 2007. Overall, 54 percent of the publicly available accounts they checked contained information about high-risk behaviors: 41 percent mentioned substance abuse, 24 percent sexual behavior and 14 percent violence.

Sex, drugs, and violence on MySpace? Now I've heard it all. I think it's time for me to say it one more time. Guys, CANCER STILL EXISTS! CURE SOMETHING PLEASE! THANK YOU!

ED: Dr. Christakis was the name of my childhood pediatrician. Could it be?

Sometimes I hate the tagging function

2009-01-06T08:57:00.002-05:00

I got an email from Facebook that said "Greg has tagged a photo of you" in an album called "Memories"

The next email I got was from my sister via Facebook. It was a comment that said "Greg, why?"

The next email I got was from one of Greg's friends via Facebook. It was a comment that said "Greg, your brother is going to kill you for tagging him on that."

I'm at work, so I can't view it until later.

Today is going to suck.

What the [bleep] did he do to me?

Sight seen: bumper sticker edition

2009-01-05T12:44:00.005-05:00

While I was out driving during lunch, I ended up behind a car that had a bumper sticker that said "DON'T BLAME ME: I VOTED FOR DUKAKIS". I'm surprised I didn't get into an accident afterwards because I spent the rest of my trip trying to figure out how the hell that bumper sticker came to be at that exact moment.

First of all, it wasn't on an old car. I could see if the car was from the 1980's or something, then I could chalk up the sticker's reason for existing that it just wouldn't come off the bumper. But this car was a newer Toyota, no older than 5 years or so. Was it put on there ironically? Or was it to be funny (like that time I put a bumper sticker on my car that was a Spanish translation of "please buckle up")? Or was its owner really using a bumper sticker to express 20 years worth of frustration?

Second of all, where the bleep did they get it? Where does one find a Michael Dukakis bumper sticker? I bet Michael Dukakis doesn't even have a Michael Dukakis bumper sticker.

All these questions, no answers. Frustrating lunch.

I'm the guy in the middle (of course)

2009-01-02T16:29:00.004-05:00

If you're wondering how my friends and I celebrated New Years Eve, look no further. I videotaped our entire evening. I bet your celebration didn't "top that".

Picking on the old guy who recently had a stroke

2009-01-02T15:34:00.005-05:00

Peter Gammons is getting old. His column used to be one that I'd read every time it was updated. Now it includes passages like this:

For all the talk of a salary cap, only twice in the past 30 years has a team won the World Series with a $100M-plus payroll -- the 2004 and 2007 Red Sox. In those 30 years, 20 different teams have won World Series, and it likely would be 21 without the 1994 strike that cost the sport's best team that year -- the Montreal Expos -- a chance to win it all.

Oooo, let's break that down. Only twice in the past 30 years has a team won the World Series with a $100M-plus payroll. Okay yes that's true. But it wasn't until 2001 that a team even had a $100M-plus payroll. Prior to 2001, the record was $92 million, and that team was the 2000 Yankees, WHO WON THE FRIGGIN' WORLD SERIES. Oh and prior to that, the record was $88 million, again by the Yankees, who again WON THE FRIGGIN' WORLD SERIES. See where I'm going here? Peter would have been just as well off saying something like "for all the talk of a salary cap, only twice in baseball history has a team won the World Series with a $100M-plus payroll". It would have been just as accurate, and just as misleading.

2nd part - he said that in those 30 years, 20 different teams have won the World Series, and it likely [key word] would be 21 without the 1994 strike that cost the sport's best team that year -- the Montreal Expos -- a chance to win it all. Oh man. He couldn't leave well enough alone. Ya' know, 20 out of 30 is actually a good enough argument for the anti-salary cap crowd. On its own, it makes a strong case that any team can win it all regardless of payroll. But where he loses me is when he tries to add that 21st team. It's true that the Expos had the best record when the season ended on August 11th, but it's quite the leap to say that they would have likely won the World Series based on that. Let's see, how many teams that had the best overall record on August 11th would go on to win the World Series that year? 2008 Phillies? No. 2007 Red Sox? Maybe. 2006 Cardinals? Hell no. I'm not going back any further, but again, you see my point. Having the best record on August 11th doesn't mean shit.

It pains me to say it, but I think it's time for Peter to hang it up. There's no way Pre-Stroke-Peter would have left a passage like that in his column.

Do you think they'll show Guy backstage waiting to go on?

2009-01-02T12:57:00.003-05:00

I watched an extended version of "That Thing You Do" a couple nights ago on Starz. It included most (or all) of the deleted scenes and it made the movie like 40 minutes longer. At first I didn't know what the hell was happening. I had seen the movie like 418 times (give or take 395), but this time I kept seeing things that I didn't remember. The 3rd or 4th time this happened, I started to realize what was going on (I'm a quick one). The deleted scenes changed quite a bit of what I had previously known:

- The band members at first didn't trust their manager who worked in the van.
- Faye made them all baloney sandwiches. Guy said he hates baloney (just odd).
- Fans got rowdy at the pizza place by the airport (Villapiano's?)
- Boss Vic Koss was a bigger a-hole than we even knew.
- There was a lot more focus on Tina and her dentist (deleted with good reason).
- Guy said "I am Spartacus" 6 or 18 more times.
- Mr. White's character was gay for his assistant (played by Howie Long. Awesome).
- TB Player had sex with one of the Chantrellines.
- Guy's reasoning for staying in L.A. was because he got a job with Clint Howard at the radio station as an interviewer of jazz musicians.

The extended version didn't flow at all. It was like watching an early episode of Seinfeld. It wasn't bad; it just wasn't right. I'd like to know what made Tom Hanks change his mind about Mr. White though.

Posts that go unpublished, and for good reason

2009-01-02T11:58:00.004-05:00

I found an old blog post from 2006 that I never published for some reason. Actually there was good reason. I remember coming up with an idea for an entire post of puns related to the workplace. It probably started with me thinking of one and then trying to think of more until it became worthy to put up here. As you'll see below, it never became worthy. Oh man it's bad.

I used to work for Firestone, but I ended up quitting because the job itself was just too tiring. So then I took a job with Midas and I figured it would be a little better, but it wasn't. Honestly, I'd get home and I'd be so exhausted. At the time, I thought that maybe auto repair just wasn't the industry for me. So I took a couple weeks off and really thought about what it was that I wanted to do with my life. In the interim though, I needed to make some money so I took a job at a shop that fixes watches. It wasn't a good time or anything, but it paid the bills. I also worked part-time at a barista, but it wasn't really my cup of tea. I was familiar with plumbing, but finding work when you're not in the union turned out to be draining. I interviewed to be a driver for Pepsi, but they gave me this written pop quiz and I failed it miserably. During my job search, I would get out all of my frustrations at the gym. Eventually, one of the guys who worked there offered me a job as a trainer. I turned him down though because I didn't think I'd have the skills to make that work out. Finding a job was becoming increasingly frustrating until a friend of mine suggested that I should get a job with the city, like a police officer or a fire fighter or something. So I took his advice and I became a fireman. It's been a blast. The experience so far has been alarming, but I just hope I don't get fired.

Wow.

Wheel of Fortune, Facebook, and other Randoms

2009-01-02T11:06:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was conducting a Google search of Roger Ebert movie reviews. The odd thing though was that my searches were coming back with all of the information I was looking for. I think I may know way too much about Roger Ebert.

Don’t people realize that they can delete the "is" when changing their Facebook status? Brian is you’re an idiot.

Jill likes to set all of her clocks ahead by 4 or 5 minutes. She says it helps her to be on time for things. I’ve tried to convince her of the irony in that, but she’s sticking with it.

Congratulations Gina and Joe on your New Years Eve wedding. I had you both figured wrong. And if you don’t know why I’m bringing this up, click the label below and start from the beginning. Or don’t.

If you are part of a household that goes through milk pretty quickly, it should be your civic duty to buy the gallon with the closest expiration date to the current date while saving the newer gallons for us folks who take longer.

Requiring us to mix 2-cycle oil instead of using straight gasoline to operate a friggin’ snow blower is a scam that even Charlie Ponzi would be proud of.

I like going to the gym at the beginning of January to watch all the newbies trying equipment for the first time. Mr. Regan, you wanna get out of that painters scaffolding?

If I was ever a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, I just know there’d be a puzzle with a well-known phrase that everyone in the world has heard of except me, causing me to buy another vowel as the audience groaned. That kind of public embarrassment isn’t worth the potential for a few thousand dollars. Uh, I’d like to solve the puzzle: that’s the way the bookie stumbles.

And on that note, remember that opinions are like assholes. Everyone’s got one and if they didn’t, it’d be tough to talk shit. Yeah you can use it.

Rod Blagojevich: mad genius

2008-12-31T12:38:00.003-05:00

My governor is a piece of work. I just can't get over how oblivious he is that he thought assigning a senator on Tuesday was the right play. He's going about his business like nothing ever happened. Worst of all, he appointed an old black guy, so he made it tough to even get mad at him.

Hmm, it was a complete jackass move. But he appointed a black dude. If I say that's ridiculous, does that make me racist?

Yes. Yes it does.

If the 2008 election taught us anything as a nation, it's that voting for a white guy under any circumstances is racist. So by appointing a black guy, Rod Blagojevich has made it difficult to speak out about it. He even has some people praising the move.

Fuckin' diabolical.

I'm moving to Michigan.

Cleaning out my locker with some NFL thoughts

2008-12-30T11:50:00.005-05:00

The Lions finished 0-16. They're the first NFL team in history to lose 16 games in a season. Awesome. I'm not sure how you feel about that; I'm pretty indifferent. My hatred for the Vikings and Packers overshadows my feelings towards the Lions. I guess if the Bears don't win the NFC North, I'd wish for Detroit to win it. I like those guys up there.

There is one thing for Lions fans to get excited about. Quotes from their former #1 WR Roy Williams:

[Roy] Williams caught only 19 passes for 198 yards and a touchdown over 10 games after being acquired from Detroit for three draft picks, including Dallas' first-rounder (20th overall). He and [Tony] Romo never got in sync, including an interception on a ball thrown his way Sunday.

"I would love to take the blame for that one, but I can't," Williams said. "Once we get a training camp under our system, we'll be good."

I'm not sure what part of that quote I love the most. Oh wait yes I do. The part where he says he'd love to take the blame for an interception, but he can't. That's too great. Stay positive Lions fans. Hopefully your team doesn't waste their two 1st round picks on skill positions. Look on the bright side; your team finished 0-16, but all they really did was miss the playoffs, which is the same thing my team did. Of course that thought is lost on Bears CB Charles Tillman:

"Yeah, I think we're a playoff team," cornerback Charles Tillman said [after his team lost], still giving off smoke from the torching Houston's Andre Johnson gave him. "We made it this far, and we're this close. Who wouldn't think we were a playoff team? … Aren't we a playoff team?"

Apparently Charles Tillman is unaware of that silly note in the NFL rulebook that states "you can only be considered a playoff team if you actually, you know, make the playoffs. This seems obvious and almost pointless to put in an official rulebook, but hey, you never know."

Oh it's in there. You can check. It comes right after the part about overtime ties. Zing!

The playoffs better get here quick.

You don't have to worry; this is necessary

2008-12-30T10:03:00.005-05:00

We all know that the average prices of homes in the U.S. are dropping. A year ago, single-family homes were selling 18% higher than they are today. This is not news. But it is tough to know what that really means. What is 18% of your home's value from a year ago if you didn't know what your home was worth last December? Also, weren't home prices dropping in 2007 already? When was my house at its peak value? Well, if you're an average American with an average single-family home, your peak value was probably early 2005. The problem with that peak value though was that it was inflated. Actually it was probably just a lie.

Value is real when it's created based on what other people are willing to pay. If you have a house that appraises at $250,000, but people are only willing to pay $200,000, I'm sorry but your house is only worth $200,000. Mortgagers didn't care about this though. They were handing out loans based on the appraisal, and the appraisers were inflating the worth because it was needed for approval. It was a circular process, but everybody was winning. Mortgagers got their money, people got their loans, and everyone increased their "worth". Yay!

Until the purge happened. We're Americans; we can't have a good thing. If something comes along that's good, we exploit it until we kill it. It's like with that show "Who wants to be a millionaire" (the Regis version, not the one with Meredith). Remember when that show came on like 10 years ago? Everybody was watching it. It got record ratings in primetime and it saved ABC. So what did they do with it? They put it on 5 days a week until people got sick of it. They force-fed us with Everything Regis until we wanted to kill him. Then the show started to come back to earth and now it's only on in the morning. It was too much of a good thing.

That was the housing market, and so now the purge is happening. But you know what? Purge is a good thing. It allows for fresh starts. Like the ice age. Can you imagine if a meteor had never hit the earth and dinosaurs were still around? Besides Carl Everett having one less thing to talk crazy about, instead of dogs, we'd have snorkasaurus's and instead of automatic brakes, we'd use our feet. Oh and without the ratings purge, Regis would still be dominating your television from morning to night. Nobody needs that.

So here's to the purge.

A conversation with Jill at the bar...

2008-12-28T23:25:00.003-05:00

Jill: "Oh my god you have to turn around and see this creepy guy sitting at the bar."

Brian: "The guy with the ponytail?"

Jill: "No, the guy next to him."

And she was right. The guy next to him was creepier. I think it's safe to say that if you're creepier than a guy with a ponytail, it's time to start rethinking some things.

ED: this isn't the first "creepy guys" tag. I can't wait to publish this to see what it was.

You don't care about this, so skip it

2008-12-26T17:19:00.005-05:00

It's impossible to skip something when you're told to skip it. That's why you're gonna continue reading. I'll give you a strong effort, but I can guarantee that you'll regret going any further.

Okay, it's your life.

So I'm listening to the Bulls/Heat game on the radio right now. Dwyane Wade just picked up his 2nd foul midway through the 1st quarter, so he was taken out of the game. I never understood the logic with this kind of thinking. I can understand taking him out if you think he's just not in sync or something, but that's not why his coach did it. Wade was taken out so that he doesn't pick up a 3rd foul. Think about that. He's being taken out of the game in the 1st quarter so that he doesn't [POSSIBLY] foul out in the 4th. Doesn't the 1st quarter count just as much as the 4th? Wouldn't it make more sense to keep your best player in the game as long as possible and gamble that he won't pick up another foul? At least then you're not purposely taking away his minutes.

Eh.

Salary cap or suicides? A pledge for the latter

2008-12-26T12:26:00.008-05:00

Some time earlier in the week while I was either finishing up my Christmas shopping or shoveling my driveway for the 80th time or watching a rerun episode of Roseanne or throwing rocks at passing cars from an overpass, the Yankees signed Mark Teixeira to play 1st base for the next 8 years. I know what you're thinking: Roseanne? Yeah, about a month ago, MeTV was showing an old Thanksgiving episode. It was one of them with Nanna Mary (or is it Nanna Marie?) and it's a classic and I always enjoyed it, so I set my DVR to tape it. Somehow though I ended up setting my DVR to tape every episode any time it airs on any station ever and I just haven't gotten around to fixing it yet. So any given day, I'll check my DVR for things that have taped and I'll have a backlog of 4 or 5 Roseanne episodes on there. Whatever. Don't judge me.

Anyway, so the Yankees signed Mark Teixeira for 8 years and eleven billionty dollars (or is it billiondy?). He's a good hitter and a good fielder and he makes the Yankees better and this is just another example of the rich getting richer and blah blah blah gayness. I was intrigued by the signing though because it meant that the Yankees had somehow managed to sign 3 of the top free agents so far this winter who are worth a shit when being graded for their overall baseball skilz. Yeah that's how I spell skilz. How do you spell it? With an S? Two L's? Ha! Child's play. So afterwards, I was so intrigued that I took an unscientific poll of non-Yankee fans to get their reactions to the amount of money that was spent. On average, my poll found two different responses.

1. This is insane. MLB needs a salary cap.
2. This is insane. Every member of the Yankees front-office should kill themselves.

Granted, my unscientific poll consisted of me and my brother-in-law. But the results I think would have been the same with a greater number of participants. I don't have a whole lot of knowledge when it comes to basic economic principles, so I can't really address whether or not MLB needs a salary cap. But I think I have enough knowledge when it comes to basic asshole principles to address whether or not the Yankees' entire front-office should kill themselves. If you're an asshole, the whole world would be better off if you killed yourself; that's a given. So the questions become 'what factors make someone an asshole and do these factors apply to the Yankees front-office''? I think being an asshole comes down to 5 things:

Do people hate you?
Do you not care that people hate you?
Do you do things specifically to make people hate you?
Do you live in New York?
Do people call you "asshole"?

If the answer is yes to at least 1 of those questions, then yes, you are an asshole. So how does the front-office of the New York Yankees stand up? They're a whopping 5 for 5.

Hank Steinbrenner, we'll start with you.

Have the hap-hap-happiest day after Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny bleepin' Kaye

2008-12-26T09:58:00.007-05:00

As you head out to the mall or Target or Macy's or any of the other places I wouldn't want to be within 100 yards of today, remember that the person working behind that service desk isn't making shit to be there. It's probably under $10 per hour and they have to be there all day when they could be out spending time with their family (or doing what you're doing). Also, the person that they waited on right before you was some crazy Mom who was yelling at them because their store has a no-return policy on opened video games. It's not their policy. In fact, if it was up to them, they'd be taking back everything. What do they care? But they're just doing their job. And it's a suck job, especially today.

So be nice.

You did all that for a pinky toe? And Merry Chri...er Holidays

2008-12-22T10:42:00.005-05:00

I probably won't be posting much here if at all for the rest of the week. I'm on vacation and won't be near a computer all that much. Plus when I'm not at work, things just don't happen to me that are worth posting. So lack of material will be another reason. One thing did happen to me over the weekend though. I broke my pinky toe. I was running full speed through my house for no good reason whatsoever and slammed my bare foot into a dresser. It was awesome. My pinky toe got the brunt of the impact. Actually it got all of the impact. I went down like a guy who had just stubbed his pinky toe on a dresser. I didn't even catch myself as I went down so I ended up skinning my knee on the carpet. I haven't had a skinned knee since I was 12. Yeah, so Merry Christmas. We're starting this shit off right. I included a picture over there on the right for your enjoyment. Ain't it great? Poor little guy.

Anyway, since I have nothing left to add, my tradition: Merry "neither this statement, nor any other statement by Brian should be construed as an attempt to offer or render a legal opinion. His well-wishes are privided on an "as is" basis, and Brian disclaims any and all warranties, expressed or implied, including without limitation warranties for a particular purpose. In no event shall Brian be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, punitive, or consequential damages of any kind whatsoever with respect to these well-wishes, and if you're not Christian, he apologizes" Christmas.

And Happy Birthday to Donald, Lisa, and Maegan.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

2008-12-18T11:55:00.003-05:00

Via here:

NEW YORK, New York -- Jeremy Piven is ending his run in Broadway's "Speed-the-Plow," due to a condition caused by a high mercury count, according to Variety.

The "Entourage" star missed a Tuesday evening performance and a Wednesday matinee due to his high mercury count health concerns, but David Mamet, the playwright of "Speed-the-Plow," appears skeptical of the actor's exit.

"I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury," Mamet told the entertainment trade mag. "So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."

David Mamet gets a gold star.

Tomaron nuestros trabajos

2008-12-18T10:19:00.002-05:00

About a week ago I received an unsolicited email thanking me for applying for a Spanish translator job. I rarely if ever get unsolicited email to my work account, but I figured it had to be spam since I had never applied for a Spanish translator job (that I knew of). Also, the extent of my knowledge of Spanish consists of knowing that I’m a gringo and that piso mojado means wet floor. So I deleted the email and thought nothing else of it. Much to my surprise, I got a follow-up.

Brian,

Thank you for your recent inquiry for our [Spanish translator job] at [Company Name]. We have not heard back from you to schedule an interview, but the position is still available. Please contact me at [phone number] so that we can schedule a time where we can meet.

Thank you,
[Guy’s Name]

Should I respond? Oh, and which one of you jokers sent in my resume' for this?

ED: There is no perfect translation for the word "job" in Spanish, so this blog title is the best I can do.

What do Lions fans want?

2008-12-18T09:01:00.003-05:00

At least 2 of the people who have ever come to this site are from Michigan. So perhaps one of them can answer Joe Posnanski's questions:

Do Detroit Lions fans want their team to go 0-16? I think this is a deep question, one that might take a full blog post or essay or something. But I try to put myself in a Lions fan shoes, and my first reaction is that, yes, absolutely, I would want 0-16. I mean, that’s a bit of history. If the Lions go 1-15, they’re just down there with a handful of nondescript and incredibly bad football teams — there wouldn’t be anything SPECIAL about them. If you are going to be bad, be historically bad, that’s what I always say.

But, then I started to think of my own childhood, when I was a young Cleveland Browns fan, and how every football loss took away a little piece of my soul. Oh man, those weeks at school after Browns losses were TERRIBLE. I had that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach for just about the whole week — you know that feeling, when something bad happened, and you just had that sick feeling. You might not even remember precisely what happened was but you still feel it in your belly. I know there are young Lions fans out there who are like that, and I could not wish 16 losses on any of them.

But then I started to think about how much pain the Lions have put those fans through the last few years — I mean, it has been ptiful. It wasn’t just that the Lions were terrible; no, they have snubbed their nose at the fans by refusing to fire their GM, by continuing to hire goofy head coaches, by doing all sorts of nonsensical things in the draft. And as a fan, maybe you want 0-16 so that ownership will REALLY panic and start doing the George Castanza opposite thing. I mean, sure, 1-15 might lead to a new direction, but 0-16 DEFINITELY leads to a new direction, that’s like a punch in the face and everyone would have to stare in the mirror and say, “Um, OK, we literally could not have been worse. I guess every single thing we have done the last few years has been wrong. So let’s completely change course.” That would be good for the Lions.

But then I started to think about those players, the coaches, all the people who invested their hearts into this team. Do they deserve 0-16? Does anyone? Detroit is going through rough times. Isn’t this too cruel?

So basically, I don't know the answer to the question.

I had no idea I worked with Abbott and Costello

2008-12-17T16:39:00.002-05:00

Guy 1: I bet you a dollar that I can make this shot.
Guy 2: I bet you $5 that you miss it.
Guy 1: Wait, so you wanna bet $6 then?
Guy 2: No, just $5.
Guy 1: What about the original dollar?
Guy 2: Okay fine. Your dollar plus my $5.
Guy 1: So $6 then?
Guy 2: No. It’s two separate bets.
Guy 1: But it’s for the same thing.
Guy 2: Whatever, you’re not making it regardless.

At least he didn't say "irregardless"

This is how my day has gone

2008-12-17T16:29:00.002-05:00

Oh shit, more snow on my car. Bad day.
Hmm, very little traffic this morning. That’s odd. But good day.
My nose is kind of stuffed up. Bad day.
A full pot of coffee is waiting for me in the break room. Good day.
SL is talking real loudly about her kids again. Bad day.
Management is serving lunch to celebrate Christmas. Good day.
I didn’t know about that beforehand, so I brought a lunch. Bad day.
Hey but now I have a lunch for tomorrow. Good day.
Sam keeps asking me for my opinion in his confidence pool. Bad day.
This Fruit Punch G2 tastes delicious. Good day.
Why does this guy keep emailing me? Bad day.
Hey, did you see that caramello is being sold in the break room? Good day.

I think I may have some food issues.

I'll give you the truth just as soon as I come up with it

2008-12-17T11:50:00.006-05:00

Here is a quote from Rod Blagojevich earlier Wednesday morning:

"I can't wait to begin to tell my side of the story and to address you guys and, most importantly, the people of Illinois. That's who I'm dying to talk to. There's a time and place for everything. That day will soon be here and you might know more about that today, maybe no later than tomorrow."

There's a lot of non-information in there. Luckily, I'm here to translate:

"I can't wait to begin to tell my side of the story and to address you guys and, most importantly, the people of Illinois. It's been over a week since I was arrested and I would have given the people of Illinois my side of the story sooner, but my lawyers hadn't come up with what that side of the story was yet. They're preparing a statement for me though and I think it's just about completed. I'll be honest, I'm looking forward to reading it too. They're some smart people, those lawyers of mine. And the charges against me are pretty straight-forward. I mean I'm on fucking tape trying to sell a Senate job. Believe me, I'm intrigued for my statement just as much as you are."

It's the sport of kings, better than diamond rings

2008-12-17T11:18:00.004-05:00

Whenever I watch a MNF game, I always get a kick out of the player introductions in the beginning where each starter tells me their name and the college they went to. You hear things like:

- Assante Samuel, University of Central Florida
- Victor Abiamiri, Notre Dame
- Donovan McNabb, Syracuse University

Someone who went to Ohio State will always call it "THE Ohio State University". I'm not sure what that's all about. Is there two of them? Is he making sure I know which one he went to? Yeah I don't get it, but whatever. But just once, I'd like for a player to have a little fun with it. Maybe they can make up a school. "Assante Samuel, The University for Southern Baptist Bishops". No, I know. They could use a school that doesn't even have a football team. How about this: "Assante Samuel, The University of Phoenix....on line"

Oh that's gold. It would get at least one laugh.

A correction to a movie reference that I'm embarrassed to admit I got wrong

2008-12-17T10:56:00.004-05:00

Donald(09:52:31): I'm a little disappointed in you, after getting a plaxo update, i read your blog
Donald(09:52:47): Ronald Miller doesn't stand up to Rico Suave at then end
Donald(09:52:59): it was the other shmoe who spilled cheap wine on cindy
Brian(09:53:21): at the school cafeteria?
Donald(09:53:26): yes
Brian(09:53:39): I thought Rico Suave was messing with Kenneth so Ronald stepped in
Donald(09:54:04): Rico's not that kind of guy.....it was what's his name
Donald(09:54:17): 2:20
Donald(09:54:18): of this video
Brian(09:54:35): damnit you're right
Donald(09:54:38): 2:34..... Rico is on the right.....farm boy in the middle
Brian(09:54:56): I feel ashamed
Brian(09:55:03): but this is going up there as clarification

I know he murders his wives and all, but damn he's cute in a "big head and fat belly" kind of way

2008-12-17T10:05:00.004-05:00

Via here: Drew Peterson is engaged to a 23-year-old woman, CBS-Ch.2 is reporting this morning. His publicist has confirmed the engagement happened a few days ago, the station said. Her name has not been disclosed. Peterson is a suspect in the death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio, and implicated in the disappearance of his fourth wife, Stacy, to whom he is still married.

Women are insane. Yes, I'm impugning all of them. If this can happen again, every woman is responsible.

Perhaps the Bulls would be good if they played in an octagon

2008-12-15T12:58:00.005-05:00

Have you ever stopped and wondered why every MLB field has different dimensions? Don't answer that; it was rhetorical. Of course you've never stopped and wondered that. Only I stop and wonder silly things like that. But hear me out for a second.

Just a couple of examples: the right field foul pole at Fenway Park is 302 feet from home plate. On a good day, I could reach back and throw a baseball that far (probably not). At Petco Field, the right field pole is 322 feet away from home plate. Obviously, left handed pull hitters have a much better advantage playing at Fenway than they would by playing at Petco. With a little research, I could probably come up with a much better example than that one where the two fields I'm comparing have much different dimensions. But my point is this - every park is different. Some favor hitters, some favor pitchers, some favor neither.

Now imagine if the NFL allowed this. For instance, we all know that the Ravens have always been a better defensive team than offensive. So to exploit this, what if they decided to make their field 150 yards instead of 100? Opposing offenses would have further to go to score, which would give their defense an even bigger advantage than they already had coming in.

That'd be silly, right? So why does MLB allow it?

Okay, I'm shutting it now.

A quip about our Prez using 2 movie references

2008-12-15T08:52:00.003-05:00

It took us 8 years, but we now know that George Bush has the reflexes of a cat. How did it take us so long to figure that out? He must have studied the 5 D's from Patches: Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive, and Dodge.

Yeah, but who throws a shoe? I mean honestly.

Looking forward to Teen Witch 2

2008-12-14T23:08:00.005-05:00

I sat and watched "Teen Witch" with Jill earlier tonight.

I could pretty much type whatever I want here and it won't matter, will it? There's really no recovery from typing the words "I watched Teen Witch" and publishing it on line for anyone to see. But I'm confident in my whatever it is I need to be confident in, so laugh all you want. Fact is, I took one for the team. I think Teen Witch is one of those movies that girls watch when they're in grade school or junior high and then remember it fondly later in life even though it sucked balls.

Now that isn't to say that it sucked balls in the way that you suck balls. Er, scratch that. No, not my balls. Scratch what you just read. What I meant to say is that it didn't suck balls in the way that Chris Klein movies suck balls; no it sucked balls in the way lower budget late-80's teen comedies suck balls. Bad acting, weird clothes, mullets aplenty, choreographed dance routines, gay younger brothers, popular quarterbacks dating popular cheerleaders, etc. etc. etc.

It starred Blake Lively's older sister, that guy who played Travis from Son in Law, one of the Darren's from Bewitched, and a late 80's Mustang 5.0 convertible. Yeah I think the Mustang got 4th billing in the credits.

Playing the role of Travis from Son in Law's car - 1989 Mustang 5.0 convertible. The director of this spectacular piece of crap had to have been in love with that car. Half the shots came from inside the car looking out, outside the car looking in, and a few from the point of view of the car itself.

I can't even tell you how it ended. It's like the people making it had 90 minutes to tell their story and they simply ran out of time. Nothing really got solved. You know how in every teen movie where the ugly duckling becomes popular, but it's at the expense of their current batch of ugly duckling friends, but then they all make up in the end after the lead learns a life lesson that they shouldn't treat their best friends poorly? Hmm, you don't know? Okay, think "Can't Buy Me Love". Ronald Miller ditches his poker friends for the popular kids, then shits on Kenneth's house. You shit on my house, Man. You shit on my house. Now do you also remember how Ronald stood up for Kenneth at the end when Rico Suave started messing with him in the outdoor cafeteria? Right, because that's what you do when you shit on your best friend's house: you stand up to Rico Suave. Okay so anyway, in this movie, Teen Witch becomes popular and starts treating her best friend poorly. At the end though (yes it takes place at a dance), they never end up making up. That whole story arc goes unfinished. Whatever happened to the best friend? Did they continue hanging out? Also, did Teen Witch continue with her witchcraft? I think she learned her lesson that she shouldn't abuse its powers, but was she still going to use it? Did she have her powers harnessed like Michael J. Fox was able to harnass his wolf? We don't know; the director ran out of time I guess.

This movie really needed a sequel.

By the time you read this, your money will be gone

2008-12-12T00:51:00.002-05:00

It's late and I'm about to go to bed. But I wanted to be the first to point out that by the time we all wake up in the morning, the stock market will have already started its Friday crash. Isn't it nice to know it beforehand? The bailout of the Big 3 fell through, and at the same time, Wall Street advisor Bernard Madoff has been accused of $50 billion worth of fraud in a ponzi scheme.

Awesome.

Happy Friday.

Virtual Insanity, v.2.0

2008-12-11T14:38:00.001-05:00

I wonder if one of these virtual gaming companies will ever develop a virtual virtual console. Imagine yourself being behind the controller of your virtual self as he plays video games. That’d be awesome. You could yell at your virtual self as he wastes away his life, screaming things at him like "go outside you loser" or "don’t swing at the high pitch Man, what are you new to this?" Then your virtual wife can walk in and tell you to turn that shit off and take out the garbage while your real wife walks in and tells you to turn that shit off and help with dinner. It’ll be all kinds of confusing.

Drinkability, Bing Crosby, and other Randoms

2008-12-11T11:47:00.004-05:00

It's really hard to convey to someone verbally that the vacuum you're using doesn't work well.

When taking a certification test, I'd rather bomb miserably than miss by a point or two. Poor Frank.

That vacuum one only works if I don't explain it. It probably doesn't work either way actually.

Companies that didn’t lose billions in the 3rd quarter but still plan to lay off employees in this type of economical environment are unpatriotic. Sometimes it would help if executives looked at the big picture. If keeping people on won’t cause them to go bankrupt in 2009, they should bite the bullet a little bit. Laying people off adds to the problem.

"The difference is drinkability" has to be the dumbest campaign slogan for a beer company in history. It’s not really saying anything, is it? Lots of things are drinkable; it doesn’t make them good. They would have been better off just flashing the words "Bud Light" on my screen for 30 seconds or so.

Do you think there are any politicians in Chicago who regret going through the troublesome route of actually campaigning to be voted in? All it really takes is enough cash to buy in. Screw the commercials and buttons and lawn signs. That’s too risky. Give that campaign money to the top dog and you’re a lock.

On that note, remember that if we had no winter, the spring wouldn’t be so pleasant. Wait no, that’s not true. They’d both be pleasant. Stupid winter.

The more you know, 1 Happy St-style

2008-12-11T08:49:00.005-05:00

I got an email forward this morning from a friend that I found interesting. It looked more like an urban legend than an actual story that happened to someone, but I got to thinking about it and I could see how what "happened" to this lady could actually happen to someone theoretically. So I forward it on to you (unnecessary ellipses and poorly constructed grammar included):
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet... etc...was stolen.. 20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says 'I received your text asking about our Pin number and I replied a little while ago.' When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account. Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad , Mom, etc..... And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good info I think...... very informative...................!!!!!, !!! I think hubby is a jackass, but lots of hubbys are....jackasses. So ladies, if your hubby is a jackass, make sure, you tell him not to give out your BANK pin to you over text!!!!....!!.1>!

Strike this guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy out

2008-12-10T11:35:00.005-05:00

I think I may have mentioned before that my favorite dubbing of a curse word in a movie that was playing on TBS or TNT continues to be when Roger Dorn approaches Rick Vaughn on the mound during the last game in Major League. In the unedited version, Roger says "let's cut through the crap Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you. Strike this motherfucker out." Then Rick smiles, Roger goes back to his position, and Rick strikes the guy out on 3 straight heaters. But in the edited version for TBS, they dubbed in a word that doesn't fit the amount of time it takes to say "motherfucker", and they got this Barry White-like voice to do the dub. It's just awkward and weird, but it always made me laugh.

Well I found it and taped it. So enjoy.

So long, Gov'nor

2008-12-09T15:02:00.007-05:00

Let's recap the charges against my governor Rod Blagojevich:

Charge #1 He tried to sell the appointment of Barack Obama's vacant seat in the Illinois Senate. I'm not sure the alleged extent of it, but it looks like he was willing to give that seat to the highest bidder. In a taped conversation, he was overheard saying "[he's] not willing to give me anything but appreciation, so fuck him."

First of all, the fact that a state's governor has this much power is silly. Why is he allowed to pick? I never understood that. And second of all, in the awesomeness scale that uses arbitrarily-chosen numbers based on nothing whatsoever, that quote is 17 degrees of awesomeness. It takes a certain kind of dumbass to abuse power that was abusive to begin with. Why rock that boat? It's like a kid who is given permission from his parents to stay up late to watch a little bit more television, but he uses that time to watch soft-core porn. Yeah, it's exactly like that.

Charge #2 The FBI also alleges that Blagojevich tried to use the Chicago Tribune's sale of the Cubs as leverage to obtain favorable treatment in the paper's editorial pages.

This one is even better. Every politician is out for money; that's not really news. But in the 2nd charge, it seems as though he's on a mission to stop free speech. That may just be 18 or 19 arbitrarily-chosen degrees of awesomeness. As I understand it, the director of the Trib's editorial page (John McCormick) has been critical of Rod, so the FBI caught our governor on tape with his chief of staff (John Harris) saying things like "fire those bleeps" and "get em the bleep out of there" and "bleep these bleeping bleeps with their bleeping bleeps and their bleeping bleeps". I may have made up one of those.

But the point is that he didn't appreciate that a newspaper's editorial page was being critical of him, so he was doing all he could to get the whole staff fired. I must say, coming on the heels of that newspaper filing for bankruptcy, this has not been a good week for print media. So long Free Press. It was nice knowing you.

And if these charges are true, so long Rod Blagojevich. Knowing you was not as nice. I hope your cellmate shaves that bird's nest on your head while you sleep.

'Cause the mail never stops

2008-12-09T11:29:00.003-05:00

The US Postal Service has two mailboxes side by side on the 1st floor of my building. Each of the mailboxes has the pickup times posted on the front. The one on the left shows pickup times of 10 AM and 5 PM while the one on the right shows only one pickup time at 10 AM. Isn't that odd? I see a couple problems:

One, who in their right mind would put their outgoing mail in the box that only picks up at 10:00? Let's say you arrive at the boxes at like 9:45. Are you going to risk the chance that maybe the carrier was early that day, meaning it wouldn't get picked up for a full day? Hell no. You're gonna put it in the box that picks up at 10 AND 5 to eliminate the risk.

Two, who is this lazy mail carrier that only checks one box in the evening? THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER! It wouldn't even take more time. These aren't those big blue mail boxes that you see on the street. No, they're the ones that are built right into the wall that probably have bins beneath them to catch whatever gets put in.

"Hmm, there's a letter in the 10 o'clock bin. Fuck that, I'm not picking it up. It can wait 'til tomorrow. We have to play by the rules as they're posted or else there's anarchy. Plus I'm a lazy ass."

I'm probably over-thinking this.

Did you actually get to see the Rod?

2008-12-09T09:29:00.003-05:00

Was your Governor just arrested? No? Hmm, well that means you're not from Illinois. We arrest our governors around here. Two for our last two. Yeah that's right.

The backstory behind the Billy Ripken "fuck face" card

2008-12-09T09:19:00.004-05:00

This article is probably more interesting to me than it will be to you, but that's only because I have this baseball card. Darren Rovell of CNBC got an interview with Billy Ripken to discuss how the "fuck face" card came to be. I've had the card since I was a kid and I thought I knew the true backstory behind it, but it turns out I didn't. A good read.

Funky, funky Christmas

2008-12-08T12:21:00.004-05:00

Every year around this time, people will say things like "It just doesn't feel like Christmas yet to me" or "I'm just not in the spirit yet". I'm not sure what that means though. They complain that they used to be in the spirit all month, but I'm not buying it. If it's a yearly complaint, maybe they're just remembering it wrong on how it used to be.

Either way, I'm here to help. If this video doesn't get you in the spirit, nothing will (short of Cousin Eddie kidnapping your boss).

No need to thank me. Hearing you hum it later is thanks enough.

The password is.....

2008-12-08T10:08:00.003-05:00

The hardest part about coming back from a long vacation is remembering how to access all of my daily programs. I've opened the word doc with all of my stored passwords like 5 times already.

Hey speaking of, that word doc is password protected so that any yahoo can't just open it and know all of my shit. But what if I forget what that password is? It's not like I can store it in my password document. That'd be silly. Which begs the question - where's a good place to store your password for your password-protected document of passwords?

Not so instant messenger

2008-12-03T23:21:00.004-05:00

So you're having an IM conversation with someone, but you decide it's getting late and you're logging off. After you say your goodbye, do you wait for them to say goodbye back before you log off? I do; I guess I need the closure. But sometimes it gets a little annoying like if it takes a good minute or two before they respond. C'mon, c'mon, respond damnit. Just a quick "c ya" or something. That's all I need. I can't leave here 'til I get it. It's getting late and I wanna go to bed. Plus my feet are cold. F*cking respond already.....

Weak sauce.

A conversation with Greg over Facebook chat

2008-12-02T10:14:00.003-05:00

Greg
what does "shawty wanna thugg" mean?
lil wayne's lollipop... good song. :)

Brian
it either means some girl wants TO thugg or some girl wants A thugg
not sure though

Yes, it gets the "getting old" tag.

Great moments in customer service

2008-12-02T10:04:00.004-05:00

My friend Tony got an email on Monday from the Chicago Transit Authority to let him know about a rate increase:

Dear Chicago Card and Chicago Card Plus Customers:This is to update you about CTA's fare changes and how they will affect you. Effective January 1, 2009, CTA fares will increase. While we recognize that these fare changes come during challenging economic times, they are necessary to maintain service. It is important to note that there will be no reductions in bus or rail service. Please visit here for a complete listing of the new fares.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So Tony responded:

FUCK YOU CTA!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The CTA responded back to him early this morning:

Thanks for your feedback.
--CTA Customer Service
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Excellent

Lebron James = Forrest Gump?

2008-12-01T18:26:00.001-05:00

"If I was LeBron James, I would shut the hell up. I’m a big LeBron fan. He’s a stud. You gotta give him his props. I’m getting so annoyed he’s talking about what he’s going to do in two years. I think it’s disrespectful to the game. I think it’s disrespectful to the Cavaliers." - Charles Barkley in a radio interview last Wednesday with Dan Patrick."

Lebron’s response: "He’s stupid. That’s all I’ve got to say about that."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------That’s all I’ve got to say about that? Awesome sauce. If Charles responds back with "stupid is as stupid does", I’ll be a happy man.

Someone will laugh, I promise

2008-11-26T11:23:00.002-05:00

You have my permission to use this joke tomorrow. I promise somebody will laugh, but you really have to sell it. Afterwards, give a sneaky smile that says "yeah it was lame but you have to appreciate the effort". That's the key. Okay, here goes. After the dishes are done and the leftovers are being put away, pick up a piece of cold turkey and say, "Man I'm addicted to this stuff. One day I hope to be able to quit, but I doubt I'll be able to do it on the first try."

Then look around and smile. It'll work I promise.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bored games

2008-11-26T09:24:00.008-05:00

I guess this has been out for a while, but I just saw the commercial for the first time a few days ago. It's monopoly with a friggin debit card. Um, we don't accept cash here, but we accept all major credit cards and/or debits. Also, that property you bought at the beginning of the game has dropped in value by 50% while your taxes have gone up, so you just defaulted on your mortgage. WAAAA waaaa! To help pay your bills, you tried to rob the convenient store at the corner but you got caught and now you're in jail. Oops. Too bad there's no longer any get out of jail free cards. No, if you want to get out of jail, you'll have to over-spend for hot-shot lawyer or get a Presidential pardon. It's Monopoly 2008-style! Woo hoo!

What will they think up next? Nobody says "sorry" anymore, so can they change the name of that game to something like "I'm sorry if anyone happened to be offended"? How about instead of "Chutes and Ladders", we have "Chutes and Elevators"? A kid today isn't gonna climb a ladder. And what the fuck is a chute for that matter? Just call it Elevators and Slides.

Candyland? Can we change Candyland? I guess not much has changed with candy except for maybe gum drops. I don't think I've ever eaten a gum drop, so I doubt kids today are eating them. Okay fine, gum drops will change to chewy sweet tarts. Mmm, chewy sweet tarts.

A tip of the hat to you Sir

2008-11-25T13:59:00.000-05:00

I haven't done a research paper in a while, but if I was forced to do one, my works cited page would just be a series of hat tips. I can't think of any research topic where I wouldn't be able to find everything I needed using a handful of blogs or search engines, so my works cited would look like this:

1. h/t daily kos
2. h/t gawker
3. h/t gizmodo
4. h/t google (I'd keep it general)
5. h/t huffington post (just for fun)
6. h/t seth godin
7. h/t wikipedia

Oh c'mon that's funny.

Overheard in the office

2008-11-25T13:43:00.006-05:00

Her: What's your email address?
Me: bs1594@______.com
Her: Is that "B" as in Bosco, "S" as in South Africa?
Me: I guess.

Question

2008-11-25T13:14:00.001-05:00

What's with all the pirates?

Feel the burn? No thanks. Pass the stuffing

2008-11-25T11:12:00.005-05:00

I never understood why workout instructors or gym teachers or meatheads will say things like "no pain, no gain". First of all, who the hell wants to be in pain? In my opinion, no pain, no pain!! I could choose to exercise today, but afterwards my body would hurt. Isn’t that more drama than I need? I’d much rather sit here and do nothing and allow my body to feel no pain whatsoever. Of course the alternative is to actually get up off my ass and do something, which leads me to my second of all; the phrase itself is wrong. "No pain" implies that I’m not working out, so it would stand to reason that I’m going to gain a few pounds, right? Especially around Thanksgiving. So in this case, "no pain, plenty of gain".

I should totally put that on a t-shirt.

The following takes place between bloop blop blip, and blip blop bloop

2008-11-25T10:20:00.008-05:00

In that "24: Redemption" thing from Sunday, I can't figure out why Jack employed the "jump out of the tree like a ninja and land on top of the bad guys" move. That move never works. I remember trying that move once in grade school , but I missed my target by a couple feet. Ouch that hurt. But you know what? Even if I would have hit my target, I think that would have hurt just as much as it did from hitting the ground. Either way, I was still falling out of a tree, right? So what would the difference have been if I would have landed on a person rather than the ground? It's like in wrestling; if a wrestler jumps from the top rope and lands on his opponent, that's usually the crushing blow in the match. The guy who takes the brunt of a jump from the top rope isn't recovering from that*. But if a guy jumps from the top rope and his opponent slides out of the way at the last second, the jumper is the one who ends up in serious pain. I mean what the fuck is that?!? Personally, I think it would hurt more if you landed on the dude.

* I never understood why wrestlers tried this move. By my count (which is unscientific and uses little to no data other than my own memory), jumping off the top rope had a less than 50% success rate. Granted if you pulled it off, you were gonna be the winner. But with the success rate being what it was, I think it was a silly gamble. Sometimes wrestlers could be so dumb.

Back to Jack Bauer, the ninja tree move was the wrong play in my opinion. Maybe if it was only one guy who he was attempting to land on, it may have worked. But he was jumping on two guys. And it was two guys with automatic weapons in their hands. It had no chance.

There's gotta be an easier way

2008-11-24T16:34:00.001-05:00

I just had a conference call that went like this:

Her: Hi who joined?
Me: This is Brian.
Her: Hi Brian. You know we don't need you today so you can drop off.
Me: Okay bye.

Work's got me so stressed right now.

Conversation overheard while installing some windows

2008-11-24T10:15:00.003-05:00

Me: Installing windows are a pane.
Me: No good?
Him: I see right through that joke.

Who's hungry?

2008-11-21T15:01:00.007-05:00

Producer: Do you think we should...oh I don't know...maybe move down a few feet?
Sarah: Nonsense. This is fine.
Producer: Really? 'Cause I gotta say, this feels like a bad idea. I don't really see the value of shooting it from here. Also...and again this is just me throwing this out there...but uh, well there could be kids watching this.
Sarah: Well it could be educational.
Producer: Yeah but it could also get pretty graphic. Honestly, I'd feel more comfortable if we just moved down a bit.
Sarah: Just shoot the son-bitch.
Producer: Fair enough. In 5, 4, 3, 2......

2008-11-21T12:52:00.003-05:00

Funny or Die, Google Maps, and other Randoms

2008-11-20T16:43:00.003-05:00

George Bush’s approval rating is 23%. You might look at that number and think "jeez, nobody likes him". I look at that number and think "jeez, who the [bleep] are these 23%?"

We’ll be back with more unfair George Bush attacks right after this [que music].

I recently changed my personal email password from something I had been using since 2003. How long do you think it'll be before I can enter it correctly on the first try? So far I’m like 0 for 25.

Google maps doesn’t know where my house is. If you type in my address, Google maps takes the liberty of changing it to a house on the other side of town. You have no idea how much trouble this has caused me.

I can’t think of anything that is more boring than watching other people play video games.

Speaking of, I can’t think of anyone who is ruder than the guy who won’t let others play Guitar Hero on the display at Best Buy. Okay maybe I can. But EF that guy anyway.

It took me until the 3rd or 4th time of going to Funny or Die that I realized it wasn’t called Funny Ordie. I kept wondering who or what ordie was.

That’s probably one of those things I should keep to myself. Screw it. You already know that I’m a moron.

On that note, remember that it’s not how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably the parent of a loser.

If Twilight had Chris Klein in it, I'd picket outside the theater

2008-11-20T09:37:00.007-05:00

Seven or eight years ago, I came up with 3 personal rules about movies I'd be willing to see.

1. It couldn't be about mummies
2. It couldn't be about vampires
3. It couldn't have Chris Klein in it

That 3rd rule was me just trying to be funny (and failing again). But those other two rules I still take seriously to this day. Stories about mummies or vampires are uninteresting to me. It's like being a Cubs fan; I understand that there are people who root for the Cubs, but I'm not going to pretend that I understand why. I'd just assume let other people watch while I stay out of the way. I know mummy and vampire movies exist even though I'd rather they didn't. But if someone else wants to be a fan, that's their problem and doesn't concern me.

But this influx of vampire bullshit recently is starting to concern me (First with True Blood on HBO and now with this movie Twilight). Someone asked me yesterday if I was looking forward to seeing "Twilight". The look this guy gave me when I responded with "what's Twilight?" reminded me of the look I give to people when they tell me they're fans of Dane Cook; a mixture of confusion and shock with just a hint of anger. I felt like Jon Favreau's clown character in Seinfeld when he said he didn't know who Bozo was.

Me: "What is it some kind of movie?"
Him: "Some kind of movie? Twilight is THE movie. Twilight the movie, that's what it's called."
Me: "So I don't know what Twilight is, big deal. You're hung up on some movie from the 60's man."

Okay, so now I know. It's a busted vampire movie starring Robert something-or-other. It's a movie I'd never see based on a book I'd never read.

Good, great, grand.

Fucking vampires.

I've been "wantink" to do this for some time now

2008-11-18T10:31:00.009-05:00

Jill and I watched The Hills again last night. I told her that it would be the last time I'd watch it. I can't take it anymore. The show is so stupid, the people on it are so unlikeable, and every time I watch it I end up getting mad. And it's not anger that's directed at anything or anyone in particular. It's just general madness. Something about the show irritates me to no end. I've composed a list of possible reasons why I get so irritated. My guess is it's one or all of the following:

- Justin Bobby's goofy hats and the way he sticks his jaw out when he runs out of things to say.

- Audrina's big teeth.

- Whenever a character says "are you serious? oh my god". First of all, it wasn't a big deal. And I have no second of all; it wasn't a big deal. Yes he cheated on her, but it wasn't the first time he did it and it won't be the last. She's a complete fucking moron and he's an asshole so it was bound to happen.

- Brody's birthday parties.

- Everything about Spencer. He's rude, he's dumb, he has no friends, his facial hair is the same color as his skin, and he has a girlfriend who won't leave him. If you were to look up "douche" in the dictionary, it would probably say something about feminine hygiene. Er, you know what I mean; that stupid dictionary picture cliche'.

- Lauren and Stephanie's computer class. Or is it a fashion class? Who the hell knows? What I do know is that nothing ever gets accomplished there.

- Lo. Why hasn't another woman punched her in the face yet? Right square in the nose.

- The way Whitney pronounces the "g" at the end of any word that ends in "-ing" to where it sounds like a "k" sound. Are the guys comink? I have to go out to my car and get somethink. Ugh. It sounds like there's a gallon of phlegm in her throat. Clear that shit.

I'm sure there are more "thinks" that bother me, but those are the reasons that I can think of off the top of my head. So goodbye Hills. It's been a pleasure. And by "pleasure", I mean "series of half-hour increments where I wanted to kill myself after it was over". Enjoy the rest of your run.

BlackBarry losing his BlackBerry

2008-11-18T09:17:00.002-05:00

For security concerns, Barack Obama may have to give up his BlackBerry. From the NYT:

For years, like legions of other professionals, Mr. Obama has been all but addicted to his BlackBerry. The device has rarely been far from his side to provide a singular conduit to the outside world as the bubble around him grew tighter and tighter throughout his campaign. But before he arrives at the White House, he will probably be forced to sign off. In addition to concerns about e-mail security, he faces the Presidential Records Act, which puts his correspondence in the official record and ultimately up for public review, and the threat of subpoenas. A decision has not been made on whether he could become the first e-mailing president, but aides said that seemed doubtful.....aides said he hopes to have a laptop computer on his desk in the Oval Office, making him the first American president to do so.

The first e-mailing President? A laptop computer? He's so techy. What next, a VCR?

Give me an "A"! Give me a "B"! What's that spell? AB!

2008-11-18T09:06:00.004-05:00

This story is awesome.

For 22 sixth-graders from Bellwood, IL, it's the chance -- and challenge -- of a lifetime: If they can get all A's and B's throughout middle school and high school, stay out of trouble and graduate, they'll earn a college scholarship worth hundreds of thousands of dollars to Concordia University in River Forest, IL.

Fifth Third Bank is sponsoring the program, which includes free tuition, room, board and books at Concordia, where tuition is nearly $30,000. It's likely to cost substantially more when these kids start college, around 2015, though Concordia plans to offer a steep discount.

The cynic in me says that this opens up the possibility for lawsuits if a teacher of one of these 22 students gives them a C in the next 7 years. But....wait, I'm no cynic.

This story is awesome.

5 wishes Steve Martin style

2008-11-17T16:53:00.006-05:00

We're approaching that time of year, so if I had just one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free, in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids. Definitely. The second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina Somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too. She's behind me one hundred percent on this, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, y'know 'cause it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? I mean they're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth. So we reorganize.

Here we go; first, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies. Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell. That would be the fourth wish. And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

Thank you Everybody and Merry Christmas.

A long-winded Cubs post

2008-11-17T09:46:00.013-05:00

Ever since I came up with my no-brainer rule, I've been hearing people use that term more and more.

Do you think they'll go for it here on 4th down Johnny?
I'd say it's a no-brainer Bob.

Do you think Dusty will let his starter pitch the 9th?
Of course, that's a no-brainer.

Should I tell my boss I'm unhappy with my salary?
Oh yeah, it's a no-brainer. If you're not happy, you gotta tell him.

In other words, sometimes a no-brainer means you're not using your brain. I was reminded of this last week when I heard one of the local sports radio guys (Brian Paruch on AM670?) saying that the Cubs trading for Jake Peavy is a complete no-brainer (in the good way).

The radio host was saying that whatever the Padres want for Jake Peavy, the Cubs should give it to them, whether it be Jeff Samardzija, Ronny Cedeno, Sean Marshall, Josh Vitters, Tyler Colvin, or anybody. He didn't mention whether or not he'd include Soto (in my opinion, it would be borderline criminal for Jim Hendry to include Soto in a trade for Jake Peavy), but let's assume Soto is untouchable, I still think a trade for Peavy using those other players is the no-brained version of a no-brainer. Let's look at Jake Peavy first.

When he's healthy, Jake Peavy is one of the best pitchers in the league. He strikes out 9 per 9 (sometimes more), he doesn't give up many hits (relative to guys who do), and his ERA has been under 3.00 in four of the last five years (granted, this has been at Petco). These are all good things. But let's look at the bad.

After 2007, he was coming off three straight seasons of pitching at least 200 innings. In 2008, he only pitched in 173. Why did he pitch in fewer innings? Because he missed six or seven starts. Why did he miss six or seven starts? Because he was experiencing elbow pain in his throwing arm. Why was he experiencing elbow pain in his throwing arm? Because he throws a lot of sliders. Why does he throw a lot of sliders? Because that's his 'out' pitch. Why am I asking questions and then answering them? Shut it, nobody asked you. My point is this: the reason he has been one of baseball's best pitchers for the last five years is because he has a wicked slider to compliment his capable fastball. But if the guy is starting to show signs of elbow trouble, you can bet that he'll have to cut down on the number of sliders he'll be throwing in the future. And with a fastball that runs 92-94 mph, what does that make him? Well potentially, it makes him an average pitcher rather than the Cy Young candidate the Cubs thought they were trading for. Granted, he's still a rotation guy, and you can't have too many rotation guys. But let's talk about the guys the Cubs would have to give up to get him.

Jeff Samardzija (who has a no-trade clause. WTF?) is replaceable I suppose. It's not like the Cubs have ever counted on him. He's a reliever with a great arm whom I suspect will always be a reliever. He's good to have around, but not completely necessary. Ronny Cedeno has similar value. He's not a good enough hitter to be their starting SS by any means, but he's a good defensive replacement in late innings and a capable spot-starter. Josh Vitters and Tyler Colvin, well there's your future right there. But who cares about the future? We need to win now! So okay, they're gone. But then we get to Sean Marshall. He sucks, right? Well not exactly. I'm willing to acknowledge that he'll never be more than a back-end rotation guy or long reliever. On the Cubs, however, the back-end rotation guy and long-reliever is extremely important. Look at their starters. You have Rich Harden, who for some reason can't pitch more than five innings a game. You have Carlos Zambrano, who for some reason can't go the entire season without missing a few starts here and there. And with this trade, you'll have Jake Peavy, the "ace" who is beginning to show signs of elbow pain in his throwing arm. Who is the guy who would fill in when Harden gets taken out in the 6th and Zambrano and Peavy miss their starts? Today it'd be Sean Marshall. If this trade were to happen, Sean Marshall would be the guy filling in nicely at the back-end of the Padres' rotation.

So is it a no-brainer for the Cubs to trade for Jake Peavy? Yeah, I'd say it is.

Follow-up note from Brian: I have confirmed that the radio host was Brian Paruch. Greg, you may remember him if I call him by his old Q101 name. He's the Whipping Boy. Yeah now he's on AM670 as a fill-in host. His voice is even more grating now that he's talking sports.

Someone finally got it

2008-11-17T09:02:00.006-05:00

Sometimes when I'm with my friends in a group setting, this blog will get mentioned in conversation. Somebody will say something like "oh, you've never been to his blog?" Then the other person will say "no". Then the first person will say "yeah it's pretty gay, but I check it out sometimes."

And that will be the end of it.

Other times, somebody will come up to me and say something like "Dude, I hadn't been to your blog in like 2 weeks, but I just spent the last 30 minutes catching up on all of it. I loved your joke about Elian Gonzalez." Then I'll say "yeah, thanks. Wait, what joke about Elian Gonzalez?" And he'll be all "hmm, maybe that wasn't your blog. I caught up on a lot of reading this morning."

And that will be the end of it.

But on Saturday, I had a first. I was at lunch with a handful of friends and we were well on our way to that first conversation up there. But watch how it turned out:

Guy 1: "You've never been to his blog? It's pretty gay, but I check it out sometimes."
Guy 2: "What's it called?"
Guy 1: "Number 1 Happy Street"
Guy 2: "Ha....What the frig is the address here?"
Me: "Wait a second. You get it?"
Guy 2: "Yeah, My Blue Heaven. Awesome movie."

I think I'm in love with Guy 2.

Overheard in the office

2008-11-12T15:57:00.006-05:00

These are the kinds of pointless conversations you would have if you were me:

Him: "I don't know how old you were in the 1980's, but blah blah blah market crash blah blah blah oil prices blah blah blah economy blah blah same thing blah blah blah more stuff on the economy blah blah blah in 1987 blah blah blah and then again a few years later."

Me: "Well I was of varying ages in the 1980's because it spanned 10 years."

Him: "What?"

Here's how that entire conversation went in my head: "Wait for it, wait for it, don't pay attention to what he's saying, wait for it, wait for it, the joke sucks but you should still use it, wait for it, wait for it, NOW!"